#about green

Him, as I over-apologize for something: So which one of yall is the one that constantly apologizes? P sure it's not one of the guys I normally see.

Me-as-Cyan, sweating: How did you figure out that's a different alter from the ones you've already met and also hi I'm Cyan

Also him, as I'm bouncing around making drinks: hi Little Reimei

Me-as-Yellow: ???? I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING

Also him, noticing the fact I went from "I love doing dishes" to "ugh please no more dishes": Okay I know that was Gray earlier, who are you?

Me-as-Purple: YOU NOTICED ME SWITCH BEFORE I DID????

And it's not just him, a few of the other baristas and shift leads also can tell apart some of the fronters (mostly when it's Green, Purple, or Yellow) or even note when we've switched.

who is more excited for halloween?

Honestly, they're both pretty pumped! With costumes and spooky music (I feel like Green would try very hard to learn how to play a theremin). They'd throw an awesome Halloween Party!

who gives the best gifts?

Depends on what one consider "the best" gifts. Purple's are definitely more expensive but Green's tend to be more thoughtful and surprisingly practical.

who sings along to the radio the loudest?

This is an ongoing competition.

who actually finishes a book they’ve started?

Purple. I don't see Green as much of a book reader (though I think he would read fanfics, it's mostly oneshots).

who falls asleep during a movie?

Green, but honestly neither of them would very frequently.

who plans a surprise getaway vacation?

Purple. He wants to show Green around to all the places he's never been.

who comes home with useless decorative knick knacks for the house every single day?

Maybe not every single day, but I feel like Green actually would bring home like, keychains and stuff (though Purple does it sometimes too).

who takes more pictures?

Green. Purple will happily pose for the camera but he doesn't really have too much of a social media presence.

who likes baths? who likes showers?

Showers for both. Purple soaks in the bath occasionally, but generally these guys shower.

who keeps a weekly planner?

Purple, but mostly to keep track of what Green is up to.

who actually watches the discovery channel?

They both might occasionally.

who brings up having kids first?

Maybe Green, but that's a big maybe.

who fixes things around the house when they break?

Yellow. King sometimes.

who leaves their dirty towels on the floor?

GREEN.

who makes the coffee in the morning?

Purple, though he prefers tea, Green likes coffee

who gets jealous over very petty things?

PURPLE.

who exercises more?

Green, though that's not to say Purple doesn't exercise.

who starts listening to christmas music in october?

Purple tends to start listening to it earlier than Green.

who actually reads the newspaper?

Me-as-Ginger: yeah absolutely I drink teas all the time, what's up?

Coworker: can you tell if I over-steeped this?

Me: yeah can you hand me a cup of water first to wash down this vanilla latte I'm drinking?

Coworker: *hands me the water and tea*

Me: *rinses out the taste of coffee, give myself a second, then tasting the tea* yeah that's very definitely over-steeped

Coworker: cool thanks man

Me: no problem. *takes a sip of my latte* god I fucking hate this drink why did I even order it

Me:

Me:

But I've realized that we've perhaps leaned too far in that direction yet again, and while there's nothing inherently wrong with saying stuff like "this is x's favorite color" or "y bought this plushie"... when we start blaming each other for actions and pointing fingers instead of accepting that the other alter is as much a part of me as "I" am, we end up pushing each other away. I've been inadvertently distancing myself from Green's cranky moods and thus failing to realize that Green's crankiness is my crankiness and thus something that I need to address and allow myself to experience. Or, I've been trying to convince myself that any childish behavior that I've been exhibiting lately is because of a child alter co-fronting or otherwise influencing me, and while that may be true... well. There's nothing wrong with being childish, and I should embrace that as a part of me instead of thinking of it as belonging to "someone else".

But... I'm not "just" an imaginary friend. I've fronted before, like many of the other alters in this system. I've talked to alters other than Purple. Hell, I've been the host for this system on and off... but I still struggled with identifying as "Reimei". Like, sure, I'm a part of the Reimei system. But... am I Reimei? I couldn't tell you that for a long time. Logically, if I'm an alter in a system, then that means I'm a part of that system, right?

I've struggled the most with the idea of fusion and identifying with a singular sense of self. It had nothing to do with losing the others, or losing myself. It was that I didn't feel like a part of Reimei the person. I was always Reimei's imaginary friend, inherently separate from the rest of the system. I didn't understand what it meant for me to be both an imaginary friend and a part of this system. Did that mean I was my own person? A completely separate identity? "You don't have to fuse if you don't want to," the others told me again and again. But I wanted to. But I also didn't want to. And I wanted to understand why I didn't want to.

And so.... I spoke to the only other alter I knew who had similar-ish origins to me. I spoke to Tiger Plushie Green, who, while not actually our Tiger Plushie irl, is an introject of him. And we talked about how we're similar, why we're different, and, notably, why he's able to consider himself Reimei while I struggle with it. "Well you see, even though I'm not actually our plush tiger toy, Reimei had a habit of projecting a personality into that plushie," he told me. "And by projecting into the plushie, that means Reimei, or rather, I, was projecting a part of myself into the toy."

And... it felt like something clicked for me. My entire perspective of myself changed in that moment. I realized that I have always been Reimei, but I was so lonely that I projected a version of myself into an imaginary friend so that I could be less alone. The thoughts and feelings I had projected onto that little imaginary mouse all originated from... me. But I am also that mouse, because the mouse is a part of me. I cried so hard, suddenly understanding what it means to be "a part of Reimei" and also what it means to be "all of Reimei" at the same time. I'm both. I'm an imaginary friend of myself. How sad, how lonely I must have been as a child, that I found solace in becoming a mouse to soothe my own pain.

Except.... well, now that I have a fuller picture, sure, some of it was different parts struggling more with specific aspects of ADHD, but also a not-insignificant aspect of all this was that we weren't aware of how much we each struggled with the other symptoms. Sure, my hyperactive symptoms don't necessarily present the same way, but I'm still incredibly fidgety and need to get up and walk away from my desk pretty regularly. That's not the same as Purple running up and down hallways or speaking quickly or bouncing on our feet, but it's still very definitely hyperactivity. And I was honestly just completely blind to my own executive dysfunction because I believed I just needed enough pressure to start on a project, when in reality "needing enough pressure" is in itself an example of executive dysfunction at play. Similarly, Purple struggles with remembering what tasks need to be done each day, and Green has trouble planning things out even when he knows what needs to be done, both of these being examples of them having trouble getting organized.

I also think that, now that we're more integrated, there's a lot more bleed through where the aspects of our ADHD symptoms we'd each respectively dissociated away is now hitting each of us more. So not only am I dealing with my own lack of organization skills and whatnot, the other stuff is also starting to compound and thus I'm having trouble juggling these new or heightened symptoms that I haven’t really dealt with before.