#911lonestarweek

He settled into a rhythm, learned to love the peace and quiet. It gave him time to focus on him; to explore the things that he loved. He read more books, he blasted his music, he tried new recipes. He even enjoyed it; this time to himself.  But the desire for more, for that familiar warmth of a home was always there, a thought always relegated to the back of his mind. But what he had was fine, it would do for now. 

Enter TK Strand, who blew up Carlos’s entire existence without even trying. 

At first, it’s no different from the others: he comes and goes; quick hookups and frantic kisses before he’s back out the door and Carlos is left trying to catch his breath. Then Carlos tries to do too much too soon and even those hookups are over, for a while. 

Eventually, they find their way back to each other and though it is tentative and careful, it’s something, Carlos is sure of it. The hookups become less frantic, the time spent lingering increases. TK is there more and more often and maybe, just maybe, it feels right. 

Then the universe interrupts with a bang - literally. 

The day TK is shot Carlos came home from the hospital to his empty condo and does not think he has ever hated the silence more. He and TK may not have a label but they are something and now TK is hurt and Carlos doesn’t know what to do with himself, with all this pain in his heart.

He leaned against the door, trying not to remember how they had woken up together just this morning - an occurrence that was becoming more and more frequent. It was becoming common enough that Carlos was almost optimistic enough to hope that it would be a sign of things to come. 

But that couldn’t happen if TK was dead. 

He banished that thought from his head as he pushed himself off the door and strode purposefully towards the kitchen. No, he wouldn’t even let himself think it; he wouldn’t even put that idea out into the universe. What he needed was a distraction, something to focus on that wasn’t the thought of TK in a coma, that wasn’t the memory of hearing the gunshot and just knowing that something was wrong. 

Dwelling on it wouldn’t do him any good, he knew that. He needed a distraction and so he gravitated to the kitchen, as he so often did. He would make bread, he decided: something labor-intensive and precise. Besides, the idea of kneading something was appealing right now. 

He set about pulling out the ingredients, steadying his breathing as he went. He reminded himself that he had every reason to be optimistic, that there was no real reason to expect the worst. TK had received treatment immediately, had been rushed to the hospital within minutes. He had everything going for him; as much as someone who had been shot could, at least. It worked, if even only a little. 

Then he turned to the sink to get the water he would need for the dough, and the sight of two coffee mugs - sitting innocently side by side, waiting to be washed - almost toppled him. 

He remembered now the quick moment where he had slid them into the sink before he and TK had walked out the door. He could see TK’s grin as he sipped from his mug clear as day, raising his eyebrows suggestively as Carlos had lamented that if they had gotten moving sooner they could have had time for breakfast too. He had fired back some quip about them choosing exercise over food that had caused Carlos to laugh, nearly choking on his coffee in the process. 

The image in his head of that moment was filled with a warmth he had felt more and more. It was the feeling he had been seeking all along, the sensation he had always wanted to feel from his home. He had been starting to feel the beginnings of it with TK. He didn’t want to lose that;  he didn’t want to lose him. He was so close to having the home that he wanted, the life that he had pictured for himself was in reach. 

But it had become increasingly more apparent to Carlos that a certain firefighter was an integral part of the equation. He had been trying for years only to find that there had been a missing piece all along. 

Carlos didn’t know what it was: his laughter, his smile, his voice or maybe a little bit of everything. What was certain was that TK made his house feel like home. He had brought mess and noise into his otherwise clean and orderly life and Carlos knew without a doubt that it was exactly what he had needed. He didn’t want to lose that, he didn’t think he could handle it. After so long he had finally found exactly what he had been looking for. He just needed someone or something in the universe to listen, to take pity. He just needed TK to be okay. 

Everything after that would be fine, Carlos was sure of it. 

--------------

Someone in the universe must have been listening because TK is okay, in the end. And after a bit of confusion, so are they. 

More than okay actually, in Carlos’s opinion. They wanted to start fresh but having already laid all of the foundations, it was no time at all before they fell into comfortable patterns. That warmth Carlos had noticed and longed for returned and it filled his home with every laugh and smile the other man shared. 

TK became more of a fixture at the condo; stuck waiting outside for Carlos to get home enough that Carlos gave him a key. He jokes it’s so that the neighbors won’t call the cops about a suspicious man loitering, but really it’s an offering; a stepping stone. A gesture to say that he hopes that maybe this could be TK’s home too, someday. 

Slowly his things started joining Carlos’s: a change of clothes in the drawer, his running shoes by the door.  A cheesy figurine TK had brought for Carlos as a joke, a vase they had bought at the farmer’s market because TK thought it would look nice in the entryway. The charger for his AirPods in the kitchen and the change from his pocket on the nightstand. Small and inconsequential bits of his life maybe, but tangible proof that TK had been here and that he planned to come back. 

Soon it is not just TK’s things filling the space but his friends as well. Carlos had offered to host them all once the pandemic hit as a way to maintain some sense of normalcy. He hadn’t been sure what to expect with inviting an entire fire station into his condo (though he did have a private laugh at the look of horror he could picture from his dad, the Texas Ranger, at the very thought) but the sound of laughter and casual banter-filled his kitchen and his heart in a way he had almost forgotten. 

It wasn’t long before his friends became their friends and that warmth he had been chasing for so long lingered more and more. He felt it in the sound of laughter and light conversation, he felt the heat of it lingering as he and TK lay in each other’s arms on the couch, stealing a moment of solitude before they cleaned up from the evening's festivities. 

It’s on one such night, while they were cleaning up, that Carlos noticed TK was quieter than usual. They worked in companionable silence but Carlos stole glances at the other man as he put away the clean dishes, trying to decipher the storm in his head. Minutes passed and Carlos was about to ask what was on his mind when TK spoke. 

“Your house must have been so quiet, before.” 

Carlos looked up from the sink with a start to see TK surveying the space thoughtfully. “I’m definitely sure there were no rowdy firefighters eating all your food.” 

“You don’t know that,” Carlos countered, “maybe I had some secret firefighter friends before you came to town.” 

“I don’t think so, babe,” TK retorted with a raised eyebrow, “firefighters are awful gossips, I would have heard” 

“It has been a change,” Carlos agreed, thinking about the smile that had come across his face at the sound of laughter drifting through his living room and the sight of their friends smiling as he sat with his arms around TK on the couch just a few hours ago. It was so different from his life before, but in the best possible way.

“You sure you wouldn’t rather be with someone who didn’t bring this level of chaos to your life?” TK asked and though his tone was kept purposefully light Carlos could hear the doubt lurking directly behind the words. 

“No,” Carlos said decisively, shutting off the water and turning to face TK, stepping forward and placing his hands on the other man’s hips, and meeting his eyes. They were so full of doubt that it caused a physical ache to shoot through Carlos’s core. He held them though as he said his next words very clearly, need to make sure TK understood that there was no doubt in his mind: “You’re the only one for me. Friends and all, no one else even comes close. You are it for me, Tyler Kennedy.” 

There is silence in the wake of his words, but Carlos knows in his heart it is a different quiet than he had been so accustomed to. It wasn’t cold or impersonal, it didn’t echo with solitude and loneliness. It was a comfortable silence of two people coexisting; using the silence to hear each other, to grow. It was just another piece of the home he had been trying to build. 

“I never liked the quiet,” he admitted, hands still on TK’s waist. “Growing up, our house was never quiet.” 

“Mine always was,” TK confessed, “there was never anybody around to make it not be quiet. I hated it.” 

His voice was soft as he admitted that and Carlos tightened his grip on his waist, pulling him closer. 

“I never wanted my home to feel like that,” he told TK honestly. “All I have ever wanted is for my home to be full of warmth and laughter and love. I never had those until you came along. You’ve made my house into a home, Ty. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly thank you for that.” 

When TK looked up to meet his eyes Carlos was startled to see that they were full of tears. He reached up a hand to cup Carlos’s face as he spoke: “You are home to me, Carlos. You have been for a while. If anything, I should be thanking you. What we have together? It’s more than I could have ever dreamed of. To know that you are happy is all I could ever ask for.”

Carlos leaned into TK’s touch, savoring the warmth and familiarity of it. He thought about the words TK had just shared and the key that he offered not so long ago. He saw a life for them together; filled with laughter and love and friends and family. He had been too afraid to ask, still wary from the early days when pushing had almost been their end, determined to not seek too much too soon and risk it all. But the way TK was holding his gaze left few questions in Carlos’s mind. All he would have to do is ask, and it would be done. He leaned in closer, capturing TK’s mouth in a kiss that he hoped conveyed the words he couldn’t say just yet, to tell him what he now knew. 

Judd’s laugh echoes around the firehouse, gaining the attention of anyone still left, and even Owen has to chuckle, knowing instinctively that there’s no way this is staying between him and Judd. He finds he doesn’t mind it, though; they’re a family now, and this is what family does. 

But apparently Judd isn’t going to let the issue go, following Owen as he heads back to his office.

“What’s your deal with Reyes, then?” he asks.

Owen sighs and stops walking, turning to face him. “I haven’t got a problem with Officer - with Carlos.”

“But…?”

“But.” He shrugs and walks into his office, slumping down into the chair. “I just worry, is all.”

“Yeah I get that,” Judd says. He pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. “Actually, no, I don’t; I don’t got kids yet, but I imagine it’s normal. But, you know, T.K.’s a grown man, free to make his own choices, and all that.”

“I know,” Owen says. “It’s just…” He sighs. “Look, I don’t know how much T.K.’s told you all, but he hasn’t had much luck with relationships. And his last one… It seemed to be going well, and then it blew up right in his face. It really, um. Really knocked him for six.”

“The overdose,” Judd infers, and Owen grimaces.

“Yeah,” he murmurs, looking down at his desk. 

Judd shifts, clearly uncomfortable, and Owen wants to tell him to go home. He’s about to, in fact, when Judd instead clears his throat.

“Listen, I ain’t no expert on any of this,” he says. “But I do know a thing or two about relationships. And what T.K. and Reyes have?” He shrugs and leans against the doorway. “Kind of reminds me of how me and Grace used to be.”

“Used?” 

“You know, the honeymoon period? When you think sunbeams and rainbows shine out of each other’s asses?” Judd shakes his head at Owen. “C’mon, Cap, surely you of all people understand. Things change after you’ve been together for a while, but it doesn’t mean you love them any less.”

“I’m not exactly the expert on functional marriages,” Owen says, but he’s being difficult. He gets what Judd means, and he appreciates it.

Judd laughs. “Well, my point is, I don’t think you need to worry. I know you’re gonna anyway, but, like I said, Reyes is good. And if he ever decides not to be, well then. I guess it’s a good thing T.K.’s got me for a brother.”

“You realise he’s a cop?” Owen says. Judd just shrugs and grins, which makes Owen smile. “You know, I haven’t seen T.K. smile like that in a long time. Since way before we left New York.”

Judd’s smile softens into something gentler. Then he sighs and shoves himself away from the wall, turning to go. “Think I’m done feeling my feelings for one night,” he says. “See you, Cap.”

“Night, Judd.”

Owen watches Judd walk away and smiles softly, laughing to himself. Judd’s right; he really doesn’t need to worry. The 126 are a family, and this is really what family does - they protect their own. 

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” he blurts out loudly, slapping his hand over his screen.

He cringes as Judd slowly lowers his book, while Marjan and Mateo pause their game. All three look over at them with amused smiles on their faces. He’s sure if he turns around to look in the kitchen, he’ll find that Paul has stopped what he’s doing to watch them too.

“TK – “ Carlos starts softly. He can hear the gentleness in his voice but also the humor, and he feels his face grow hot at his tone, along with the grins on his crew’s faces.

Not really looking at anyone, he shoots up out of the couch. “I gotta go,” he gets out, his face growing hotter when his voice cracks.

“Where? You’re on shift!” Judd calls out to him, but TK isn’t listening, not when his sole focus is to get away from everyone’s amused looks as they watch him leave.

He turns the corner and heads for the dorm rooms. He knows his reaction is downright childish, but now that he’s started, he wants to commit to the behavior, hide under his blanket until his face isn’t so red, and he can erase from his memory the look on his crew’s faces. He finds a half-asleep Buttercup on his bed; the big mutt opens an eye to look at him. Proving how sensitive he is to TK, the second he sits down, Buttercup shifts over to rest his head on his lap, looking up at him with sleepy soulful eyes.

“Thanks, buddy,” he says softly, running his hand over the top of the dog’s head. He hears footsteps, but doesn’t bother to look up from petting the Bernese on his lap; he already knows who it is.

Carlos sits down next to him; he doesn’t say anything; instead, he just waits silently in that supportive way of his until TK is ready to speak.

“I overreacted to you seeing your picture on my phone,” he says quietly, looking up from Buttercup to Carlos. He takes in the gentle, concerned look on his face and feels something shift inside. “I don’t even know why.”

“Maybe because it feels like revealing something you weren’t ready for me to know?” Carlos questions, still tender and understanding like always.

TK thinks about the statement for a moment and finds truth in it. Carlos knowing that his picture is his lock screen, feels oddly intimate. It leaves him acutely aware of how vulnerable he is with him.

He gives Carlos a small nod. “People have always said I wear my heart on my sleeve,” he starts quietly, biting down on his lip before continuing. “And all it’s gotten me is my heart stomped on.”

“And now it makes you gun-shy to be so exposed,” Carlos answers just as softly. TK feels a wave of affection as he hears no judgment in Carlos’ voice, only empathy.

“It’s not that I want to hide my feelings from you,” TK says quickly, needing Carlos to know that. He doesn’t want his past failures to ruin the good thing he has with Carlos today. “I want you to know I care about you. I hope you know that.”

Carlos answers him with a beautiful smile, his arm coming around TK’s shoulder, giving him a soft pull into his space. TK goes willingly, tucking his face into Carlos’ neck as he gives him a sideways hug. He shifts to get closer to Carlos, and Buttercup makes a grumbling noise from where he rests his head on TK’s lap. He smiles when Carlos’ hand joins his, petting the large dog until he closes his eyes again.

“I know you care about me,” Carlos assures him. “Since we made our relationship official, I haven’t once questioned it.”

TK lets out a relieved sigh. “Good, you need to tell me right away if I ever do something that changes that. I can be self-involved sometimes, but I never want to hurt you because I’m being a clueless dick.”

He feels Carlos shake a little as he laughs. “I promise to tell you if you’re being a dick, Ty.”

TK snorts softly at the teasing. He tilts his head back, pressing his lips against the underside of Carlos’ jaw.

They stay quiet for a moment as TK enjoys Carlos’ embrace. “Can I show you something?” Carlos asks quietly after a moment.

“Mmhmm,” he mumbles, mellowed out from being in his boyfriend’s arms.

He lifts his head from his shoulder when Carlos pulls his phone out, playing with it nervously.

“Okay – so don’t judge me,” Carlos starts, and TK raises an eyebrow at the shy smile he sees on his face. A moment later, he understands why. Carlos’ lock screen is a sleepy TK, and TK remembers the moment Carlos took the picture. It was a few weeks ago when he came over to his place after being on shift for three days, more asleep than awake.

“I’m your lock screen,” he says quietly, going warm to the tip of his toes.

“Not just my lock screen,” Carlos confesses, wrinkling his nose adorably as his cheeks turn pink. He enters his passcode, and TK can see what he means. He’s Carlos’ home screen too; only this time, it’s a picture of them together. One that TK took one afternoon when they were goofing around. Carlos’ face is half-hidden in TK’s shoulder while he smiles at the camera.

“I’m your home screen,” he whispers, letting out a small laugh, he feels so happy he could burst.

“Yes,” Carlos says with a smile of his own, his face is still pink, but his smile is full and pleased. “And if you look at my camera roll, you’ll call me a stalker from the sheer amount of pictures I have of your face.”

TK laughs gleefully, his eyes going a little wet.

Carlos shakes his head at his enjoyment, his lips curved upward. “I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way.”

TK nods, understanding what Carlos is trying to say. He’s grateful for this beautiful man that somehow, despite their less than great start, cares about him – loves him.

Suddenly he’s not as scared anymore, and he takes his phone out, opening his camera.

“What are you doing?” Carlos asks even as he grins, pulling him closer.

“You have a picture of us as your home screen,” TK answers, lifting his phone in front of them. “I need one too.”

Carlos lets out a soft laugh before he smiles as he turns to look at the camera, and TK takes a moment to look at him. He’s so head over heels in love he can’t think straight.

“Carlos?” he murmurs, his lips a breath away from Carlos’ cheek.

“Yeah?” Carlos asks, not looking away from the camera.

TK grins, his heart pounding hard under his chest from how sure he is. “I love you.”

His eyebrows raise slightly in surprise; in the many months that he has known TK, the man has never invited him over to his place. Sure, their moment on top of his Camaro only two nights ago seemed to imply that they might be moving in a different direction, but still... This feels big, in a way, and Carlos is ashamed to admit it, but he didn’t think TK would be taking big swings this soon. 

His delay in responding becomes obvious when his phone buzzes again in his hand.

I miss you.

His eyebrows raise even higher, this time accompanied by a soft smile. It’s not that TK has been constantly emotionally distant, but he’s not usually this forthcoming either, especially through text. Carlos huffs out a laugh, thinking about how it’s only been a couple of days since they had some alone time, but how much he has also missed his… whatever they are now. And since Carlos has never really been one to hide his true feelings, he doesn’t hesitate to tell TK that.

I’ve missed you too. Be there in 20 minutes, that okay? 

20 mins is perfect! No speeding, Officer Reyes ;)

Fondly, Carlos rolls his eyes, dropping his phone on the counter and moving towards his bedroom. If he’s going to see TK, he’s going to need to wear something other than his faded sweatpants. 

--------

Eighteen minutes later, he’s pulling up outside the Strand house, tapping his fingers nervously on the steering wheel as he comes to a stop. He doesn’t even know why he’s feeling anxious; he’s known TK for months now, and he’s seen a lot of different sides of the man that he’s come to care for deeply. For some reason, this invitation feels like a turning point for them, and the pressure of what that could mean causes him to rub at his forehead, trying to lessen the stress he feels building there. He just really wants this to work out, probably more than he’s ever wanted anything, if he’s being honest.

Shaking himself, he gets out of the car and moves up the front path towards the house, noting the absence of Captain Strand’s truck in the drive. With a deep breath, he raises his hand to the door and gently knocks. 

It must be only seconds later when the door opens, almost as if TK was standing there in wait. Their eyes immediately link, a gentle softness that pulls a breath from Carlos. He just saw TK earlier this week, but that doesn’t stop Carlos from feeling like he’s seeing him for the very first time; it happens more often than he will probably ever admit. 

“Hi,” TK says gently, cutting through the silence. Carlos feels his smile widen slightly in response. He takes a chance and steps through the doorway, sliding his arms underneath TK’s to wrap him in a hug, mindful of his shoulder. TK tenses in surprise before huffing out a laugh, wrapping his own arms around Carlos’s shoulders.

“Hi,” Carlos replies, pressing his face into TK’s neck. He’s quickly discovered that it’s his favorite place to be.

“Hi,” TK breathes out, nuzzling Carlos behind the ear. He shivers in response, feeling a little ridiculous, but he kind of doesn’t ever want this moment to end. Before he can say anything further, his stomach lets out a small groan and he feels TK begin to shake with laughter as he pulls away slightly, giving him an amused look. “Either you're hungry, or I’m awakening some very strange parts of your body.” 

Carlos rolls his eyes. “You awaken every part of my body, cariño” he says, knowing full-well how stupid it sounds as it comes out, but he also notices how TK’s eyes darken just a bit, so he can’t be too embarrassed. “I am a bit hungry, though,” he admits. “Work was a little crazy and I skipped lunch.”

TK grins, letting out a small noise of understanding. “I just may be able to help you with that,” he says, grabbing Carlos’s hand and turning to lead him further into the house. He follows, gripping tightly to TK’s hand as he looks around. The decor doesn’t surprise him — it’s very similar to the remodeled firehouse, and he recognizes Captain Strand’s commitment to his personal style. It makes Carlos smile, happy to see a little further into TK’s world. 

TK leads him to the back of the house and through the sliding patio door into the backyard, where he stops abruptly, Carlos jerking quickly to the side to avoid running into him. He looks out at the small, fenced-in area, and can’t help the sharp breath that steals into his chest.

The yard features a picnic table, currently ladened with a full dining setup. He can see multiple candles at both ends, dishes of food next to those, and two plates at the center. Near the middle, he sees two champagne flutes and an ice bucket with two bottles sweating in the mild Texas heat. Carlos’s gaze shifts upward, above the table, eyeing the string lights that criss-cross over the table, twinkling softly. He grips TK’s hand tightly, intertwining their fingers as he feels himself vibrate with overwhelming emotion. TK never fails to surprise him, and it knocks him back every time.

He thinks the other man understands, as TK rises up to press a soft kiss to his cheek before dragging them closer to the table. Carlos allows TK to drop his hand as he reaches for one of the bottles and pours two glasses of sparkling golden liquid for them. He’s confused as he silently watches, taking his glass with a small shake of his head, TK clinking them together and raising his eyebrow to indicate that Carlos should take a drink.

The minute the liquid hits his tongue, Carlos recognizes the definite lack of alcohol. “It’s grape juice,” TK confirms, a small blush on his face as he takes a sip. “I know it’s kind of childish, I just wanted to recreate the—”

Carlos cuts him off with a kiss, smiling as TK lets out a small gasp, causing Carlos to push closer, parting his lips. TK does the same and as their tongues brush against one another, Carlos can faintly taste the juice, but mostly he just tastes TK. It’s kind of his favorite taste in the world.

They get lost in each other for a moment, Carlos reaching up to grip the back of TK’s head when he senses TK’s hand on his waist. He feels like he could spend the rest of his life kissing TK and never regret a single second of it, but at some point they both need air. “I really like grape juice,” Carlos says when their lips part, pressing forward to rest his forehead against TK’s. He watches as TK’s lips raise into a soft smile.

“I hope it goes well with dinner, which I have to be honest with you, I did not make” TK says, pulling back to gesture down at the table. Carlos follows his lead, moving to sit as TK stands across from him, grabbing his plate to begin serving the food. Carlos recognizes the baked red snapper, and his heart immediately swells in his chest. “First big thing to know about me: I burn water. You do not want me to cook for you.”

Carlos lets out a sound of disagreement, staring up at TK as he moves along the table filling the plate with salad and bread and asparagus. “I’d be happy to give you some lessons,” he says. “I love to cook.”

“I remember,” TK says, a slight grimace on his face. He doesn’t let it linger though. “You really think you could teach me a thing or two? People have tried before.”

“I think we could at least get you past the ‘burning water’ phase,” Carlos jokes as his plate is placed in front of him. “This all looks incredible, TK. All of it,” he says, gesturing to the entire set-up. 

TK blushes down at his plate before reaching for his glass, raising it to hover between them. “To surviving a solar storm,” he toasts, and Carlos responds, taking another sip. “Speaking of, how’s work? You said today was crazy?”

Carlos nods, diving into his day as they begin to eat. It’s easy, comfortable conversation, with TK responding with his own insight into what’s going on at the firehouse. He may not be back at work, but his team texts him constantly in their group chat, and he’s stopped by to hang out with Buttercup a couple of times. When TK speaks, Carlos can’t help but stare openly, watching as his bright green eyes reflect the twinkling lights above them. The thought of TK is usually enough to make his brain short-circuit, but seeing him here, so relaxed and happy as he shares a story about Marjan and Mateo and a prank gone wrong, Carlos can’t help but to admire his radiance. He’s unlike anyone that Carlos has ever seen. 

“This was delicious, TK, thank you,” he says, tossing a napkin onto his now-empty plate. “It means a lot that you did all of this for me.”

TK, who at this point is completely relaxed, stares across the table at him, tapping his fingers along the wood grain. For a minute, they just sit in silence, staring at one another, happy to be sharing time and space. Carlos watches as TK rises and moves around the table, leaning down to press a short kiss to his lips. He grabs his hand and moves away, pulling Carlos up from the table. “Come sit with me.”

Carlos happily follows TK over to a garden bench off to the side that he had missed when he first entered the yard. They sit side-by-side, TK immediately folding himself into his side as Carlos puts an arm around his shoulder, careful of his healing injury. TK grips the hand in his lap, caressing his fingers, almost as if he’s distracting himself. Carlos waits with bated breath, unsure what he might be building to say.

“I used to dream about moments like this,” TK says into the silence. Carlos glances down at him, but TK is looking off towards the table and the twinkling lights, lost in thought. “My high school friends used to laugh at me all the time about my high aspirations for romance.

“I think I blame my parents. They may have gotten a divorce, but the minute I heard how they met, I knew soulmates were real. Something about the idea of a young firefighter and a stressed-out law student meeting because she forgot about her dinner in the oven while studying and nearly burned her building down, it just screamed everlasting love to me.”

Carlos huffs out a laugh, somewhat in response to the story but mostly in response to what TK is doing; he’s never openly shared so much personal information before. He can feel TK’s smile against his chest. 

“Even when they separated, I convinced myself that it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other, it was just because the world wasn’t built to support their love story. And then, years later, when I realized I was gay, I couldn’t help but wonder if the world was built to support mine.”

Carlos grips TK’s hand in his own, feeling the pain of his words. He remembers feeling similarly when he discovered the truth about himself. It’s a feeling that he knows will probably never go away completely.

“But my parents were completely supportive,” TK continues. “I never doubted their love for me, not about that. So, with all of that support surrounding me, I kept believing in love. In the fairytale of it all, the earth-shattering romance. Even when things got harder, I still believed in that dream.

“I dated a lot in college. I put myself out there, I charmed boys, I wooed them. I did everything I could to make it feel big, make it feel like that dream that I wanted. The problem is, you can’t just create a big love story out of nothing. I tried really hard to do that, too hard. Like, ‘dated a user and used with him because I thought it would bring us closer’ level of trying. Turns out, pills can help fill the gaps that you’re trying to fill with guys who don’t give a shit and dads who choose their work over you.”

Carlos can feel TK shaking, and he tightens his grip on him, learning down to press a kiss to his temple. TK turns his head just slightly, pressing his lips against Carlos’s shirt, near his rapidly beating heart. He knows it’s impossible to actually feel it against his skin, but Carlos can’t help but feel like TK has branded him. 

“My addiction got bad enough that my parents couldn’t ignore it anymore. I went to a rehab place upstate the summer after my graduation. When I came back, I enrolled in the academy. I’d always wanted to be a firefighter, and Dad was happy to have me close, to watch me. It worked for a few years. I fell in love with my job, with the high that comes with saving people. I stayed away from pills, I did the casual thing with guys. It wasn’t my old dream, but it felt okay. And then I met Alex.”

TK pauses, pulling away with a sigh to lean back against the bench, looking up at the night sky. Carlos adjusts himself to accommodate the sudden change, his nerves spiking at the movement, but also at the heavy way that TK speaks the name. 

“He was a nice guy,” TK says, still looking upwards. “Better than any of my college boyfriends, better than the casual hookups. He was a photographer, we met at a first responder fundraiser. He was nice to look at and we looked good together. I felt good with him. 

“My dad didn’t care for him. He thought Alex was too self-centered, too interested in who he was going to be and not at all interested in where he was or who he was with. I don’t really know if that’s true. Looking back, I can see that I fell into my try-too-hard behavior from before: I planned all of our dates, I introduced him to all of my friends, I bought him nonsense gifts just because, I said ‘I love you’ first. I was always the one putting my heart out there. I didn’t see all of that then, though. I thought he was my soulmate. I thought he was my dream, and I wanted to marry him.”

TK closes his eyes, heaving out a heavy sigh. Carlos itches to hold him again, but he doesn’t know where this all is going, and he wants to respect TK’s need for space. He scoots over just a bit, pressing their sides together again, but he doesn’t reach out, choosing instead to leave his palm lying flat against his thigh. It feels like forever, but finally, TK reaches out and takes his hand again, interlocking their fingers. 

“You know the rest,” he says with a sigh. “Nuclear breakup, at the dinner where I was going to propose. He had been seeing someone else for months. It’s so obvious to me now, he was always pulling away, filling his evenings with ‘work.’ There was this distance between us, and I didn’t see it. Or I didn’t want to see it. And then it all just collapsed around me, this fairytale idea of what our relationship was, and I couldn’t handle it. So I tried to fill the gaps again, and I went too far.” 

Carlos shutters out a small gasp at the reminder of TK’s overdose. No matter how many times he thinks about it, he can’t get past the idea that he was this close to never meeting the man sitting next to him. He was so close to never experiencing everything that TK makes him feel and want. TK turns, his eyes full of concern, and pulls their bodies together, caressing the back of Carlos’s neck as they both breathe deeply in each other’s arms. 

“You weren’t supposed to find me so soon, Carlos Reyes. When I got here, I wasn’t anything like myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I couldn’t feel anything, and I didn’t want to. I was so tired of trying. I was tired of losing myself to this idea of something that, clearly, I could never have. 

“And then you walked up to me in that bar and I… Carlos, men like you are not supposed to exist,” TK says with a laugh. Carlos rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to speak, but TK cuts him off before he can say anything. “Don’t argue with me on this, I’m right. I’ll ask every single person in Austin, and they’ll say the same thing. Even the straight guys.

“But there you were, and I may not have wanted to feel anything, but you didn’t give me a choice. You were otherworldly. And you have to know, you’re the best partner I’ve ever had in bed.”

Carlos can feel himself blush as he turns to hide in TK’s uninjured shoulder. He hears the firefighter laugh, and feels him press his cheek against Carlos’s curls.

“I mean it! I’ve never had anyone give so much of themselves to me before. It was overwhelming, in the best way. You lit me up, Carlos. And I couldn’t stay away, even when I really wanted to.” 

Carlos closes his eyes, knowing what TK’s going to say next. 

“That night,” TK says, squeezing Carlos tighter as his voice stutters. “Carlos, you have to know that I have so many regrets about that night and the way I reacted, the way I treated you. I’m so sorry.”

“Ty, I know,” Carlos says, raising his head to look TK in the eye. He cups his cheek, trying to rub away the stress that he can see on TK’s face. “You’ve already apologized for that, and I forgave you.”

“I know, I know,” TK replies, covering Carlos’s hand with his own. “But let me explain, okay. It’s important to me.” When Carlos nods, he goes on. “No one, and I mean no one, that I have ever dated has done something like that for me. Cooking me a full dinner after midnight, just because you wanted to see me, talk to me, get to know me?”

“It was ridiculous, I can’t believe I did that,” Carlos huffs, shaking his head. 

“It was my dream, Carlos,” TK whispers. Carlos’s eyes widen at his candor as they stare openly at one another. “That dinner was like something out of every dream that I have ever had about romance. The idea that someone would go to such lengths just to spend time with me? That they would understand my life in such a way that they wouldn’t be put off by my weird schedule? That they would light candles, and dress nicely, and serve me dinner? That was everything that I ever dreamed of, and something I had never had. And it scared the hell out of me.” 

“Ty, you don’t have to be scared of me,” Carlos tries, but TK keeps going.

“I know that now,” he says, “but then? Then I didn’t want those feelings. I didn’t want the dream. The dream had hurt me, the wound felt too fresh. I didn’t want the big, romantic fairytale. I just wanted simple and easy, and I hurt you. I was selfish and I made a mess of everything, and I’ll always be sorry for that.”

Carlos pulls away then, breathing deeply as he clutches TK’s hand in his. This is so much more than he expected for this evening, and he needs a moment to process. He looks at the night sky, the stars twinkling along with the lights hanging in his periphery. He wants to tell TK that he doesn’t have to keep apologizing, but he doesn’t think that his words would be enough. He realizes now that this dinner was TK’s way of making amends for that night. It means a lot to him that he would go this far to show how much he cares, even if Carlos forgave him months ago. A gentle breeze rustles the leaves on a nearby tree in the backyard, and Carlos gets an idea.

He rises from the bench, pulling his phone out of his back pocket and opening his music app. He clicks play on a song, keeping the volume low as he turns back towards TK. The other man is looking up at him, his face concerned as his eyes continue to twinkle in the lights. Carlos holds out his hand. “Can I share something with you now?”

TK doesn’t hesitate before taking his hand and following Carlos to the middle of the backyard. He turns and gathers TK into his arms, pressing him close as he starts to sway to the gentle guitar music. TK seems confused at first, but he slowly allows Carlos to turn them in a slow circle.

“I’m not a dream, Ty,” Carlos speaks softly into his ear. “I’m a person, just like you. And I’m not a perfect person, as much as I try to be. I’m going to make mistakes. You’ll make mistakes. We’ll make mistakes together. We’ll fight sometimes, we’ll scare each other. It’s going to be a lot. I’m not a person who feels things casually. I’m an all-in kind of guy.”

Carlos pulls back, cupping TK’s face in his hands. His eyes are shining with tears that have yet to fall, and Carlos can’t help but press his lips to TK’s forehead in comfort. 

“There are going to be more messes,” Carlos adds, staring directly into the eyes of the man that he probably already loves. “But I already know that I would rather make a million messes with you than live a mess-free life with anyone else.”

A tear falls onto TK’s cheek as he raises his hands to grip Carlos’s wrists, keeping his palms pressed against his face. 

“I’d rather be scared with you than have it easy with anyone else,” TK whispers, his eyes heavy as they refuse to break contact. 

Carlos feels every part of him melt as he closes the gap between them, pressing his lips to TK’s in a kiss that feels like a seal, binding them together. He can taste the salt from the other man’s tears, and he pulls him closer, wrapping him in all of the love and support that he has to give.