#2019highlights

I welcomed 2019 with an anxious heart. The year 2018 wasn’t exactly good to me so I prayed and hoped 2019 will be little better. Cheers to hoping 2019 will be for us! was how I ended my first entry back then. I was hopeful, yes, but anxious. 

The first months weren’t easy. It did not get better like how I wished it would be. I felt more lost, confused, and even hurt. My head was in a bad place. I was breathing and working and accomplishing but I didn’t feel like I was living. I wasn’t doing much but I felt so so so tired. I was longing for something else. I was desperate to escape. I knew I was broken so I tried so hard to hold all my pieces together. Maybe it’s the reason why I constantly felt so tired. On my own I struggled to hold it all together. March came and I was admitted at the hospital for several days. My physical self started giving up on me too is what I thought. I was on the edge. 

Then came this retreat I was forced to attend. I used “forced” because I didn’t want to go at first but it was one of the best decisions I have made yet. I’m so thankful I went. It was where I learned to let go and surrender. I kept trying to hold my pieces together when God reached out both His hands and said  “My child, give them to me. I got you, remember?” I was shattered. I remembered praying “Lord, if the only way to make me whole again is to break me, then break me Lord.” You know what, He did. It didn’t hurt, though. With my heart and both hands raised, I surrendered. I finally let go - of all my worries, fears, pain, doubts, hate, and guilt. I felt free. I was free.

I wasn’t instantly better. “Healing is a process” I kept reminding myself. I had to be patient because I knew it would be a long journey. The next days were tough but unlike before I did not feel like I was doing it alone. I did not have to hold myself together anymore. The Lord held me. He still does and He will always be holding me.

In September, I decided to quit my job. Not because of my boss, colleagues, or even my responsibilties. I left because I wanted to rest in God. I wanted to fully embrace my healing process. I wanted to pause. I wanted to seek God more. I wanted to know myself deeper.

After a few days, I left for Malaysia to do volunteer work for 6 weeks. It was my first time to go somewhere that far without any family or friend with me. At first I was hesitant but God’s Word reassured me of His promise and truth. I knew He was with me.

Being alone in a foreign land for more than a month, I learned so much. About myself, my country, my World, and my God. I have discovered my strengths and learned about my weaknesses too. It was a beautiful experience of being totally dependent on God and His Word.

In November, I came back and faced my reality: I am 24 with no job. I didn’t even have any savings to start with. I was still anxious but at the same time confident. Since then, I have been spending more time with my family, and the people who truly cares for me. My joy in serving in different ministries was also restored. I was occupied with too many activities yet it all felt like rest. 

I don’t know much about you but I know you might have been struggling for quite some time too. It will probably get worse and you might want to give up. But I want to encourage you with this: If there’s one thing 2019 has really taught me, it’s surrender. Let it go. You don’t have to try so hard anymore. In fact you don’t even have to try at all. With arms raised and heart surrendered, you will find rest in the Lord as I have. That’s guaranteed. He said it Himself.

There were still sad days for me, I believe there will always be. But now I no longer have to dwell in it. I no longer have to believe that I am not meant for great things. I no longer have to think that I am a hopeless case. I get anxious but now I am also confident. Not because of me but because of the God who holds me.

Now I am unemployed with no certain source of income. My friends are getting engaged/marrried and yet I am not even close to being in a relationship. Some girls my age are in their strongest and most fit when it comes to their physical bodies and yet I’m still trying to resist that second cup of rice. I don’t even know what path to take next but I am choosing to stay under God’s cover. I am trusting His will. I am surrendering.

Traders weren't short of entertainment in 2019. From flash crash to tweet-mania, the year has seen it all. So, let's rewind to the beginning, look back and live the moments that shaped us in the past year. Watch the video now.