#2018was

2018 hasn’t been exactly the kind of year that I expected it to be. I had a lot of great experiences but also had a ton of downfalls that had me almost quitting. To say that I had a tough year is an understatement. This year was the second year of officially being done with college and actually starting to do “adult” things. Not those things, but the things an adult would do to survive. Right now I’m writing this while listening to Spotify’s custom-made playlist “Christmas Pop”, so forgive me for the messy, disorganized thought process happening right in this post. 

Drama aside, 2018 has taught me a lot of lessons that I’d never get anywhere else aside from being at the rock bottom. Sure, the mountain top gave me a view of what’s below, but the real things happen on the other side. Without further ado, here’s my 2018. 

January was a month that I officially started at my new job as a Behavior Therapist. I started working with young children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), implementing treatment programs tailored for each individual’s needs. At first I was hesitant to take the job, but it was 5 minutes away from the house and it provided an opportunity for me to go full-time. This, in turn would provide me with benefits and more earnings, which I need because I planned to go back to school this year. I started the training process, which seemed easy at first. But the real deal happened when I started face-to-face training with the children. 

February came, and I was focused on working a lot of extra hours from being part-time for a month. I finished my training and passed the preliminary competency tests. I was so happy,  and they immediately scheduled my exam to become an official Registered Behavior Technician. I had a week to review and then I made it. Man, was I so happy. I became fully independent with my kids and starting getting close to 40 hours almost every week. 

March was a rather chill month for work, except that I started doubting if I’ll ever be enough for my significant other. We haven’t spent a lot of quality online time (we were in an LDR since 2016) I felt that my partner was pulling away. I tried to save it but the arguments would always end in a hot mess. I tried giving him the space he needs and he gave me mine. Also, I almost lost my cousin in what seems to be an unexpected elopement into Oregon after an Instagram story stating she doesn’t care anymore. I was so distressed and I couldn’t give my 100% at work all of the time. Thankfully, we were able to take her back, and man, was I so happy. 

April was significant, because this was the month my employers offered me full-time status and benefits. I was doubting myself but I just accepted the offer since this was what I was waiting for, anyway. I started working full 40-hour weeks and oh boy, the adjustment was not what I expected. I took the leap from 25-28 hrs/week to a full 40. I didn’t know how much 12 additional hours of work could do until I did it. 

May was a month I’d always remember because  I thought I could salvage what I had with my partner. We were supposed to be 2 years the following month. And things went along fine for a while. But that’s what I thought. It went downhill from this month on, eventually leading to our break up. At the same time, I got my permission letter from the Board, allowing me to take my examination to become a nurse in the state of California. I had to force myself to review 3 hrs a night after work, even when I was not emotionally prepared. I was determined not to let my depression get in the way of my license. I have waited so long for this. 

June was supposed to be the month of our 2-year anniversary, but unfortunately, we didn’t make it. I still woke up exactly at 12 midnight on the supposed day of our anniversary. We were both online, but we posted separate things on our profiles but probably made it visible only to each other. I was so devastated, and I was crying for 4 hrs straight. We decided that we’d have no form of any contact after this, in  order to start our recovery. It was hard. I tried hard, and I was able not to contact him but almost every night I was crying so much. 

My examination was a week away from it, so I decided to stop reviewing and just take a break and reserve myself for the test. Thank heavens I passed. I officially got my license number a few days after I passed it. 

July was my birthday month. I decided I’d focus myself on work and family for now. I wasn’t emotionally ready for anything anyway, as I am still not okay. But it didn’t feel as significant as I usually would have, because I celebrated my birthday at work. I was with my kids and they greeted me, but I wish I was off on that day. Haha. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and the kids, but I hope I was not working that day, that’s all.  My family and I celebrated my birthday just with a dinner at a restaurant. I think that’s how adults celebrate it, right? Also, this month was the one I started feeling a little bit of burnout here and there because of long work hours combined with working with different kids almost everyday. It tested my flexibility and knowledge of the basics that I learned from training and how I’d apply it to a kid I haven’t worked with before. Thankfully I survived, and most of them love me now. Haha!

August was the month I was saving up most of my money from work because I decided to go back to school for some further studies. Thankfully my dad said he’d help me and so I enrolled for a program that started the following month. It’s still ongoing, and I hope to finish it with flying colors. I was afraid my employers wouldn’t let me do it, but fortunately, they did. They said it was because of how they value me as an awesome (their words, not mine) employee and they’d rather have me gone for a little bit than forever. 

I was still recovering from my emotions when he decided to visit my house and actually talk to me, after months of not talking. I so badly wanted to get back together, but I told myself not to do it. We talked for a bit but I was holding back my words and my tears the whole time. I tried to be happy for him and pretend that I’m okay with what he was saying. What a way to end my August. 

I started studying in September in Miami, Florida. It was my first time there, and it was so humid and warm at the same time. Luckily, I made some new friends. However, I decided I’d live on my own because it provided me with a sense of privacy and just in case I wouldn’t have any friends while I’m there. I was wrong.

October rolled and although I was friends with almost all of my classmates, I had joined a specific group of people I’d call my home. We had a lot of shared stories almost every night, and we’d always hang out late. I formed a friendship I haven’t had in such a long time, and I thought I didn’t deserve them. But they made me feel like I can be myself around them. 

November was like October, except that there were a lot of instances where I’d feel burnout at work; I had this one kid I’m working with that even though I’ve already had him for 3 months, he showed low to no signs of improvement on the targets my team had. I began to feel frustrated and I’d usually doubt myself if I deserved to be working with this kid.  There were nights when I’d blame myself. 

December went by so fast. I didn’t even feel it until it was done. School was still going on, and me and my classmates had a Christmas Party in Miami. I had a small argument with one of my close friends, one of those I had made in October. I’ve apologized ever since, but we haven’t talked to each other after it happened. 

I know I shouldn’t be feeling hurt anymore, but I did, as I saw my ex got engaged. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal but for me it was. I thought when the right time came, I could win him back. But nope, not anymore. 

One of the best things happened this month though, as I was able to see my older brother in Augusta, Georgia after not seeing him for 6 years. I flew straight from Miami to Augusta and spent 4 days in Georgia. He and his friends took me to Atlanta and showed me all the beautiful places to go visit. They took me out to awesome restaurants and we ate so much food. I flew right back to California on the 24th to celebrate Christmas with my parents, though. Well, also because I had work on the 26th. 

I know for a lot of people, the things I have here are mostly normal “adult” things, but words are not enough to explain the emotions, feelings, and thoughts I had this year. I apologize if you think I wasted your time reading this post of my year in review. I try to do this so I won’t forget significant things that happened to my life every year. 

I must say that even though there were bad things that happened to me this year, I’m glad I survived this year. This year was definitely harder than 2017, and 2016 (which was my best year so far). My patience, faith, and resilience was tested a lot this year. I received a lot of great things and learned a lot of valuable lessons, which I will be carrying this next year. There were things I wish I could turn back, and there were things I wish I could’ve just skipped. But I think the journey is part of the process. I want to think that everything I’m going through right now is supposed to make me a better person than I was yesterday, which is what I strive for everyday. 

I’d like to say sorry for everyone I hurt this year, be it intentionally and unintentionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. Thank you for everyone new I met, thank you for those who stuck with me through thick and thin, thank you for those who came and taught me lessons. 

Cheers to you, my dear reader (if you made it this far), for finishing 2018. I wish you all the best for the following years to come. I know you had a hard year too, one filled with struggles and pain. But guess what? We made it.