#12.19

Meanwhile, Sam:

i’ve got like two other asks in my drafts. but first i send this because this thought occurred to me and consumed my thoughts during christmas

so it’s a well known fact that dean is overridden with guilt and responsibility (7.5)

but recently i’ve started to wonder about his sense of safety. like is there a single time dean feels totally safe? it’s a known fact that during earlier seasons the boys would sleep in jeans, or boots ready to bolt in case of danger; they sleep with guns under their pillows (5.16, 12.19, 13.6);

dean tells sam, when he’s already an adult, that knowing what’s in the dark, of course you must be scared of the dark (1.1), and dean probably found out about the supernatural when he was around eight years old, i don’t think he slept easy ever since; which is sad on its own, but we also for a fact know that sometimes they sleep outside in impala (5.22, 11.4), so just imagine a pre-series, stanford era dean, all alone slipping by the side of the road with nothing but jacket wrapped around him, clutching the samulet, a gun in glove box and darkness all around him, that poor baby :((

of course, in later seasons, they have the bunker, the safest place on earth, also more skill and friends, but i don’t think you can erase lifelong feeling of fear and lack of safety

also, just to add the quote from 1.03:

“See when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom. And I was scared too. I didn’t feel like talking, just like you…but see, my mom, I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day, and I do my best to brave. And maybe, your dad, wants you to be brave too.”

how often are you scared, dean winchester, that you think about your mom to feel brave every day? the poor baby, i just wanna hug him

sorry it probably got way longer than it should’ve been, but i’m looking forward to ur reply <33

hi nana <3

well number one i love your episode citations here!!!

and yeah, i mean dean sleeps with a gun under his pillow by the time he's 12 (3.08) and with a gun he's responsible for using in the room since he was 9 (1.18). and 11.08 implies that dean started actually hunting before he was 9 :(

so just imagine a pre-series, stanford era dean, all alone slipping by the side of the road with nothing but jacket wrapped around him, clutching the samulet, a gun in glove box and darkness all around him, that poor baby

LIKE OKAY YES I'm imagining it and i'm taking psychic damage!!! but seriously fics with flashbacks like this are why i get out of bed in the morning.

so one of the most load bearing lines to me comes from 15.16:

CAITLIN: Hey. That thing. Were you scared? DEAN: Always am.

it makes me absolutely devastated that this is The final monster of the week episode of supernatural before they go up against the final villains, GOD and DEATH themselves. it was just a run of the mill hunt. and dean was scared. he always is.

this episode also reveals that seeing the dead kids in the baba yaga's nest was something young dean had nightmares about "for the longest time" and that it was so unsettling to him that even as an adult, he's shaken by the scene again.

dean is always doing things he's scared of because he cares so much about saving people. one of the things i've been tracking in my notes is how often dean "loses" rock paper scissors to sam and ends up "having" to do the more dangerous task. he is always trying to be the bait, trying to go in first, trying to keep sam from being in more danger.

but something beautiful happens in later seasons where you start to see behind the mask just a little. of course, with the above scene but also in 13.06 when he just does not want to go in the ghoul hole

DEAN: Mnh-mnh! No, I don't wanna – Okay.

or 13.08 when they need his blood to open the vault

DEAN: I mean, there could be anything in there. Anything, right? There could be spiders. There could be the spiny blade thing… Snakes. Spiders. You don't even know, do you? Correct. I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay. Yeah. Going in. Do it. Oh. Eh. Gah! Aah! Ah!

these moments are so beautiful to me. because god - because he's admitting that he's scared and doesn't want to do something and then he does it anyway. my brave boy. and it recalls 4.06's "i'll man the flashlight."

also there's definitely more to be said on dean's emotional arc in s4 and 5: learning he's been raised from the dead by god but not having that mean he is safe. he will be resurrected (4.01, 5.16) but not because of care for his own life. he's an outift :/ this speaks, i feel like, to your point about has he ever felt safe. because there's this moment where it's like yeah maybe you're special maybe you're safer... but no... you're just expensive clothes.

oh there's also this AWFUL moment in 3.01 right after dean makes the deal for sam's life when sam jumpscares him as he's sleeping in the car and you can feel how much more nervous and scared he is now that he knows he's going to hell when he dies. like it is SO intense to me.

DEAN: No. But I spent all day canvassing this stupid town with this guy's stupid mug, and, supposedly, he drinks at this ... stupid bar. There is a loud pounding on the window; BOBBY and DEAN both jump. It is SAM, who grins at their discomfort and slips into the back seat. DEAN: That's not funny!