#11.08

what did he mean by normal exactly here? i’ve seen this used uncharitably yeti be some pretty dark things but to me it’s sam’s sideways inability to name his own failures. normal is standing in for his lack of academic prowess, good job, inability to save dean, and ofc his own addiction…

it’s less painful to put this in abstract terms, i think. normal/abnormal implies a state of being rather than his own actions. getting away from john is a way of blaming john for bad things that are actually quite beyond john (i.e. jess and azazel)

it’s a childish disappointment that normality didn’t equal “success,” and john wasn’t the sole root of all “Bad” in the world maybe

I'm a little confused about the "academic prowess" and "good job" angle here, unless you're talking about Sam Wesson in 4.17 "It's A Terrible Life" having a job he hates and his Stanford education being given to Dean. I have some meta about what I think is going on there. I do agree this has a lot to do with John, and feelings of inadequacy—just not over academics or career.

My angle on Sam's "normality" thing is that as a child who, like Dean, was neglected, Sam internalized a belief that there was something wrong with him—that he was inadequate or in some way shameful. (I talk about in more detail here). Obviously we know Dean suffers from similar wounds, but they don't manifest in the same way. In fact, Sam and Dean both are somewhat unaware of the other's feelings about their childhood for a very long time. Sam sees Dean as someone who simply didn't suffer any feelings of inadequacy or loneliness during their childhood, and he was very wrong about that, but Dean buried all his feelings (he hid them from everyone, especially Sam and John) and he does have an extreme gift to adapt to his environment and find a way to thrive, so Sam (not seeing Dean's loneliness or insecurity or feelings of rejection from their dad) assumed he was the only one having a hard time with their life being constantly uprooted. Dean also had a lot of natural aptitude for hunting and at least on the outside, appeared to be trusted more by their father, so Sam felt inadequate in comparison (some of this was nothing more than him being younger, but he internalized it as lacking aptitude).

Sam started out wanting to be invited on hunts because he was lonely and hated being left behind (see: 11.08). Something shifted in his teenage years. I'm not a huge fan of 4.13 "After School Special" more generally, but it does suggest to us that by the time Sam was about 14, his feelings of inadequacy had turned to hopelessness about ever feeling accepted, and because they were constantly moving around, he was also always the new kid at school so he always felt like an outsider when he tried to connect with other people his age. This lead him to further internalize that there was something wrong with him. At the same time, he was beginning to identify hunting as the reason for his inability to lay down roots and the reason John was never around—because John constantly uprooted them to hunt, but then also left him/them behind and disappeared for days/weeks at a time because (from Sam's perspective) Sam wasn't good enough to be invited on the hunt (to come with him). So like a normal kid, he craved stability and a home and friends and a dad who was around, but he felt inadequate, and hunting was the source of the instability and part of the feelings of inadequacy so Sam began to reject hunting. He began to say, "I don't want to hunt, because I am not good at it, I am not like my brother or my father." However, I think it's particularly telling that while telling his teacher he doesn't want to be a hunter like his brother and father, Sam's personal essay that he had turned in was about all of them hunting together (an essay that also made him look like a freak, which contradicts some of what he says in that episode about wanting to be perceived as the normal kid for once).

So Sam rejected hunting and began pushing for normal things, partly to establish his individual identity and find things he felt good at, but also as a rejection of John, and out of a natural human need for stability and esteem. Sam felt even more like an inadequate son because he pursued these normal things representing stability (see: 1.08) but John was actually less disapproving that Sam thought/then John allowed Sam to see (in fact, we learn in season 3 that John kept Sam's division 1 soccer trophy—soccer was one of the things Sam thought John was disappointed in him for doing instead of more "hunting" related things). This escalates all the way to the big fight about school and Sam getting a full ride to Stanford and leaving. The thing is, Sam still is like... the lonely outsider. He tells Dean in 1.06 that deep down, he never felt like he fit in at Stanford. Over time, Sam rediscovers his love of hunting (see my: #sam the hunter tag). He realizes he is good at this stuff, and that he likes being with Dean, and in 2x02, he decides to hunt in John's memory.

At the same time, Sam's begun having visions, then in season 2, learns he was fed demon blood as a baby and all of this other shit, and those beliefs from childhood that there is something wrong with him—that he is some sort of freak and that's why John was never around and that's why he's lonely—suddenly have this... explanation. And it's not the real explanation! The real explanation is that he was a neglected kid! But Sam begins reframing everything in his mind as, "This is why I have always felt wrong and bad". These terrible thoughts about how he is this horrible monster and always has been, and that's why he can never be good enough to deserve respect or approval or attention or love. And because John is gone, Sam begins projecting these feelings about himself onto Dean as a replacement for their father and a person who isn't giving him the respect, approval, or love he deserves—or would deserve if he hadn't been "ruined" as a baby. And because it happened when he was a baby, he feels helpless—powerless... so when Ruby says, "I can give you the power to turn your monstrosity into a force of good and you can save the world", Sam... wants. He can't stop himself from being a freak, but he can turn this horrible thing he thinks he is into a force of good. The problem is, he is also in competition with Dean because of this desire, because the angels say Dean's going to save the world, not Sam. And Sam wants to prove them wrong, which turns Dean into a rival, and worsens these feelings of inadequacy and these feelings all the way back to the beginning that Dean is the good and perfect son and the hero and Sam is the inadequate disappointment and the monster and the villain.

So in 4.21, Sam's childhood self tells him, "I thought we were going to be normal" (we were going to be normal, and that was how we were going to escape the loneliness and feelings of inadequacy—by doing a good job at being normal!!!). Present Sam tells him to grow the fuck up—that he never had a chance of being normal. He was ALWAYS going to be a freak. He has BEEN a freak since he was 6 months old (this is not TRUE but it is the messaging Sam has internalized). Season 4 Sam has vehemently rejected normality as possible, and sees embracing monstrosity as the way to gain acceptance—by flipping the script and using the demonic forces he's dabbling in to save the world (4x05 "Monster Movie" foreshadows this with Dracula trying to flip the script on the classic monster movie). The thing is, being a "monster" is a self-fulfilling prophecy! Sam is not a monster! But he's turning himself into one physically by consuming so much demon blood he won't be able to turn back, because he is convinced himself that a monster is what he has always been anyway, and that is something he cannot change.

Because, you know, men can like sexy pink satin, cook, care for people, be intuitive and emotional, admire and relate to women, and desire men. All those things are things a man can definitely do. And Dean does. I think he would love to not comply with gender, but he doesn't have time for himself in that way. He's too busy being god's favourite toy.

aww thanks! of course i agree about john's expectations of dean's behavior when raising him. but i think that's complicated by john both wanting dean to act in ways that are stereotypically masculine (teaching him how to use a gun at a very young age (1.18, 2.06, 11.08) and also saying things like, "that's my man" to an elementary schooler (1.18). but he also expected dean to do very stereotypically feminine things: frequent primary responsibility for feeding and caring for a child (i literally cannot cite all the examples of this godbless that is the whole show (to meeee)).

and i think that from what we've seen of dean's personality, the second is the one that comes much more naturally. he LOVES to cook and feed his family (and anyone). and while i definitely don't like the forced parentification or repeated forced responsibility dean experiences over the course of the show, i genuinely do think if given the choice, he would chose to care for and cook for and clean for his family in ways which are extremely stereotypically feminine.

and i think the way that that came naturally to dean and the amount of laundry, cooking, dishes, and sam's school-prep he did as a child probably made john lean a little harder on all the ways he wanted dean to still "be a man" etc. it can't have been easy for john, who already felt he was semi asking his kids to pause their lives so he could do his Hunt, to see dean to some extent pausing his growth into manhood by having to fulfill these feminine roles. i mean in 14.13, john emphasizes the normative hopes and expectations he had for dean. of course john wanted him to listen to rock music and was pleased when it seemed like dean was starting to sleep around.*

and of course dean learned to put on that mask.

i think it really is beautiful as the show goes on to see him let the mask go more and more. from little things like cooking lots in the bunker and wearing his special apron to his comfy purple pajamas - and in general more whimsical home clothes (noodle socks, scooby-do boxers, hot-dog pajama pants). to feeling he can express fear and discomfort with more ease ("always am" [scared] (15.16), not wanting to go in the tunnel (13.06), spiders (13.08), "never said i wasn't scared" (14.12), "hot bread" (15.20**). to his self confidence ("i'm good with who i am" (14.13), "lady, i'm tolstoy" (15.11), talking about retirement (13.23)) beyond his assigned role as value through self-sacrifice alone.

all of those signs lead me to believe that as time passes, as his life is less fraught with danger and conflict and death around every corner, he will have the time and space to heal and to bloom into more of the person he wants to be. and all signs point to that person being very different from the person that john, chuck, alastair, amara, gabriel, michael(s), zachariah, cain, crowley, even sam, and certainly anyone who values rigidly defined gender differences would expect.

(also your line about dean admiring and relating to women is SO spot on. i just have to shout that out. i just watched 2.18 and the way he is so impressed by tara's acting (speaking of acting and masks etc!!) is so charming to me. i said more about how dean sees and respects women's performances here. but yeah i loved how you said that!!)

*okay that one is from john's journal im sorry. but it tracks for me.