#007fest2020

Okay so

Q is a tech youtuber bc duh

his name is Peter

his channel name is The Quartermaster

but he just goes by Q

he works with software and engineering

“Today we’re going to make an ai to read all of twilight and all of paradise lost and make it write a crossover”

Sometimes he does Top Gear challenges for fun

“Today I’m going to make a push-pull car using the front halves of a Ford Fiesta and a Fiat 500 welded together”

his twitter is a mess

curate???? your feed??? what’s that??

he retweets anything and everything

look I don’t understand how do the twitter

but it’s find bc neither does Q

this things he tweets are exclusively:

updates about his youtube channel

requests for help with the youtube channel

‘does anyone have a spare soldering iron in London I could borrow mine broke’

‘vote which of these top gear challenges I should do next: the van boat or the diy campervan’ (the van boat wins but he does both anyway)

random things that happen in his life with little-to-no context

‘today a bloody komodo dragon ate the earphones I made for James so we’re leaving the zoo quickly before the keepers kill us for bad animal husbandry or smth’

James is his boyfriend

but no one actually knows who he is

people want to know but Q is oblivious and hardly ever checks his mentions

when people theorise in his comments he answers them in the most unhelpful and vague ways possible

‘:eyeemoji: who’s James’ ‘my boyfriend’

‘wait so who actually is q’s bf???? do we know???’ ‘his name is james’

does he know what he’s doing? maybe (yes)

he has a pretty solid core following of a maybe ten thousand ish

people suggest he make merch but he doesn’t know what design

eventually he decides to make a t-shirt with a picture of his Q mug

(the Q mug features heavily in every video)

(fans have theories about what’s in it)

(current favourites are: straight vodka, strawberry milkshake, just plain water)

(it’s tea. it’s a mug of tea.)

(but that’s not fun. so. theories)

when that sells out, he adds his cats to the mix, drawn like they’re tucked into the mug

those designs sell out even faster

the cats also feature heavily in every video

Rameses presides over projects like a line manager

Romulus ‘helps’ with the projects

aka knocks tools off the table constantly and/or spends half the time laying over Q’s hands while he’s trying to type

new subscribers think it’s cool that Q named his cats after historical figures

the ogs think it’s hilarious that he named them after computer storage

(RAM and ROM)

well this got out of hand ig I’ll do a separate post for Bond

oh no this is going to become a Thing isn’t it

right. Bond.

Bond is a stunt youtuber

his channel is called Double Oh Seven bc he’s part of a squad

he only ever uses his surname on the channel

why?? something something boys bonding boarding school no christian names thank you

sometimes he cameos on other Double Oh channels and sometimes they cameo on his

other times they collab to post elaborate videos on a channel called M Presents where they do stuff like recreate movie fight scenes in a back garden

all the Double Ohs (there’s 13 of them) have their fan bases but Bond is one of the most popular

if not the most popular

bc he’s the most reckless which makes for the most fun watching and also he’s pretty shameless and ends up shirtless an unreasonable amount

so yeah he’s got Fans

unfortunately for them, he also has a boyfriend

he does not mention his bf very often, and never by name

just occasionally he’ll say something like “I’m gonna be in trouble when I get home” whilst staring at a wrecked heap of motorbike

someone eventually asks why? and he’s like “oh yeah my boyfriend makes most of our gear”

this is during a Q&A with Double Oh Three who immediately points out that Bond is the only one who can get away with his level of destruction

he immediately shoots back that she also gets leeway bc of her gf

(more on those two later)

still, he has guest stars on both his own channel and M Presents

and The Straights are always trying to ship him with whatever woman with whom he’s been on screen for three whole minutes

meanwhile everyone with eeyes and ears and half a functioning braincell are like?????? he says he has a boyfriend???? stop being fucking weird about this and also homophobic

Bond does not have a twitter bc he can’t be bothered to check any sort of social media

but he has an insta for bts photos which is a solid fifty-five percent showing off ridiculous injuries

one time he gets actually shot bc someone didn’t swap the bullets out for blanks in an M Presents scene

Double Oh Three films an ig live laughing too hard to keep the camera steady bc Bond is being grumpy in the back of an ambulance

people call her out for it

Bond ‘somehow’ gets into the M Presents twitter and makes a statement telling people to knock it tf off bc she’s a friend and he was fine

and then he steps back and lets Carter deal with the rest herself bc she is Very Capable

The next video on his channel is a more sedate one that involves him scaling a human sized cat tower with two very confused actual cats

“both the climbing frame and the cats belong to my bf bc he made me promise to take it easy until I’m slightly less shot”

after approx. four years of this, someone on twitter finally makes a connection

‘wait so his bf makes all the gear and has two cats??? also [extremely zoomed in blurry screenshot of the Q scrabble mug in the background of a video]’

‘guys are you seeing this???????’

‘@thequartermaster are you dating bond from double oh seven’

Bond and Q have a conference in the back of the cab on their way to date night while R watches the kids cats

Q tweets back that yes he is dating bond from double oh seven

there are several main responses to this:

‘wait two people I follow are dating and I never knew?’

‘yeah that makes sense actually’

‘aw you guys r cute’

‘wait is bond james????????’

people start making compilations of all Q’s tweets ft stupid stuff James says overlaid over Bond being cool on Double Oh Seven

Bond and Q do one (1) collab video on each of their channels

on Q’s channel: ‘My boyfriend tries to build a bike from scratch’

this is punishment for the last time Bond wrecked his bike

Q helps, but only minimally

mainly he just laughs at Bond being extremely confused by the instructions

on Bond’s channel: ‘Teaching my boyfriend parkour’

this is punishment for the bike building video

Q is surprisingly good at it

except when he nearly brains himself on a bike rack bc he’s too busy staring at Bond a few metres ahead

people turn it into a meme

distracted boyfriend except for a loving (but dumb) relationship

but they do end up actually being in shot in each other’s videos sometimes, now

Bond tries twitter to retaliate for all Q’s dumb stories about him

and gives up in less than a week

instead he just makes a new insta and posts stupid photos of Q

the most liked photo is one of Q absolutely furious after Bond nearly dies in a car stunt

(he nearly dies taking the photo, too, bc Q is about half a second away from throttling him)

tune in tomorrow for more dumb james bond youtuber au