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Trying to put myself in a more positive headspace, dunno how well it's working, might play a video game to distract/recombobulate myself lmao The urge to start a fresh dragon age playthru stirs, and I do my best to ignore it...
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'Zevran begs for Sandal to kill him. He reluctantly obliges, killing Zevran.'
cool elf pranks w zevran and estel
aka alistair gets punked
[12/29/14, 1:17:10 AM] winters: I THOGUHT IT WAS ZEVRAN ON THAT LOTR POST TOO........... fuck [12/29/14, 1:17:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: in our defense they drew his hair too short [12/29/14, 1:17:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: so [12/29/14, 1:18:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: my eyes moved too fast and i didnt see aragorn and was just like [12/29/14, 1:18:09 AM] casimir reed-stark: a dwarf ok it’s oghren [12/29/14, 1:18:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: wait [12/29/14, 1:18:12 AM] casimir reed-stark: no its not [12/29/14, 1:19:11 AM] winters: imagine zev sleeping w his eyes open and alistair just. sleepy goes into zevs tent to wake him bc they need to pack up camp and he jsut "oH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK @MAKER WHY THIS" [12/29/14, 1:19:36 AM] winters: same though. i was like no wait. wAIT that's not oghren and also. there is an aragorn [12/29/14, 1:19:38 AM] winters: oop [12/29/14, 1:19:56 AM] casimir reed-stark: ZEVRAN AND ESTEL SNUGGLED UP TOGETHER WITH THEIR EYES WIDE UP OPEN AND ALISTAIR GOES IN TO ASK THEM SOMETHING AND IS LIKE [12/29/14, 1:19:57 AM] casimir reed-stark: WHY [12/29/14, 1:20:08 AM] casimir reed-stark: @ANDRASTE WHAT DID I DO WRONG [12/29/14, 1:20:09 AM] winters: iM SCREAMING [12/29/14, 1:20:16 AM] winters: I CANT B REATHE FUCK [12/29/14, 1:20:22 AM] casimir reed-stark: not only are their eyes open but they are also 100% naked [12/29/14, 1:20:39 AM] casimir reed-stark: so when alistair like [12/29/14, 1:20:43 AM] winters: alistair sits down n starts rocking. "why me why me andraste deliver me from this world" [12/29/14, 1:21:02 AM] casimir reed-stark: he like pulls back the tent flap and is like “hey guys it’s almOST AHHHH. AH” and he like . screeches [12/29/14, 1:21:14 AM] casimir reed-stark: and they wake up and both sit up and knock the blanket forward off of them [12/29/14, 1:21:37 AM] winters: NO [12/29/14, 1:21:49 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev pulls a knife out of nowhere and is like WHAT IS IT ARE WE BEING ATTACKED and estels like is it even light outside yet what the hell is going on [12/29/14, 1:22:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair like. looks at their eyes. looks at the knife. looks down. looks immediately back up [12/29/14, 1:22:57 AM] winters: WAS DEATHLY WHITE FROM FRIGHT BUT BLUSHES 2 HIS EARS [12/29/14, 1:23:34 AM] casimir reed-stark: “no no nO everything is! completely fine i just. breakfast there’s breakfast sten and leliana made breakfast oh maker i am . so sorry. please don’t kill me. i’m sorry i opened your tent without uh knocking or something and i’m sorry i woke you up and i’m sorry i have now seen more than i intended there’s breakfast i’m leaving there is breakfast i’m sorry" [12/29/14, 1:24:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: zevran like yawns and gets up and puts the knife down and goes over and pats him sleepily on the shoulder and is just like [12/29/14, 1:24:47 AM] casimir reed-stark: “i do not make it my business to kill my friends for waking me up, even if i was having the most wonderful dream” [12/29/14, 1:25:00 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair is like “c AN YOU PL EA SE PUT PANTS ON" [12/29/14, 1:25:26 AM] winters: P LEAS E [12/29/14, 1:26:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: estel spends the next few minutes after alistair leaves forcing zevran to get fully dressed bc they’re pretty sure it’s not worth teasing alistair by showing up in his underwear, as it might also literally kill him [12/29/14, 1:26:45 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev is like “fine but you’re no fun” estel’s like “not before 10am i’m not" [12/29/14, 1:27:17 AM] winters: honestly though. beautiful [12/29/14, 1:27:18 AM] casimir reed-stark: “you love me anyway” “disgustingly so, yes” and then they make out and are late to breakfast anyway [12/29/14, 1:27:38 AM] winters: gross [12/29/14, 1:27:53 AM] winters: alistair avoids eyecontact [12/29/14, 1:28:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: they show up and are like “sorry it took a bit to get dressed thanks for the food this looks great" [12/29/14, 1:29:33 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair is just like. stares directly at feet. does not make eye contact. does not look at them. refuses to acknolwedge that he is well aware that there is like. zevran is wearing a shirt with a low collar and that mark was not there before and alistair is like. there are so many things i didn’twant to know [12/29/14, 1:30:39 AM] winters: poor child [12/29/14, 1:31:20 AM] winters: on another Elf Trait note: im so super fond of glowy cat eye elves, and the sharp canines that people seem to have picked up. and also able to both see in the dark and have excellent hearing. I'm so glad [12/29/14, 1:32:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: YE [12/29/14, 1:32:58 AM] casimir reed-stark: i love the idea of estel and zev being like “something’s elfy about alistair” and tricking him into night vision mode [12/29/14, 1:33:08 AM] winters: that is SUCH A COOL HEADCANON [12/29/14, 1:33:10 AM] winters: i love that post [12/29/14, 1:33:22 AM] casimir reed-stark: they bring leliana bc full party and a control to make sure it is actually a dark enough place [12/29/14, 1:34:21 AM] casimir reed-stark: they tell her what they’re doing tho and she’s like “that’s ridiculous, look at him, he’s as big as the both of you put together” and they’re like “yeah but i mean his dad was pretty big so whatever are you coming or not” and she’s like “ok but there’s no way" [12/29/14, 1:34:28 AM] casimir reed-stark: they’re like “girl we know” [12/29/14, 1:34:50 AM] casimir reed-stark: so they take her and alistair and alistair’s like why are we out here this is ridiculous where are we going [12/29/14, 1:34:54 AM] casimir reed-stark: “shhh just keep moving" [12/29/14, 1:35:52 AM] casimir reed-stark: they give leliana a nod and she douses the torch once they’re down in a deeper cave and she’s just like “u assholes better be right bc i stg i can’t see shit and if i die trying to prove alistair is part elf and we get mobbed by spiders so help me maker i will terrorize ur asses in ghost hell” [12/29/14, 1:36:07 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistairs like [12/29/14, 1:36:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: AHH. WHY DID YOU DO THAT [12/29/14, 1:36:16 AM] casimir reed-stark: here give me that [12/29/14, 1:36:25 AM] casimir reed-stark: walks straight up to leliana and takes the torch and is like [12/29/14, 1:36:40 AM] casimir reed-stark: well shit we dont have a light why did we go down here with just a bunch of you asshole rogues [12/29/14, 1:37:02 AM] casimir reed-stark: leliana just does this short little gasp and zev and estel high five [12/29/14, 1:37:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair’s l ike “what" [12/29/14, 1:37:26 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev’s like “good news! remember your shitty sister?? she’s not your sister!” [12/29/14, 1:37:34 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair’s just like “what and also can we please go home" [12/29/14, 1:38:15 AM] casimir reed-stark: “holy shit look at that over there” “ok there is nothing over there you’re just fucking with me i can… see….. just fine….. what are you miserable elves up to" [12/29/14, 1:38:27 AM] casimir reed-stark: “leliana why are you helping them do this i thought i could trust you” [12/29/14, 1:38:43 AM] winters: darling [12/29/14, 1:39:26 AM] casimir reed-stark: “hO LY SHIT LOOK AT THAT. OVER THERE. WHAT IS THAT” “dude you just tried that one i’m not falling for it A AHHH HHG AIN S HIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THATS THE BIGGEST SPIDER IVE EVER SEEN” leliana’s like “IM GOING TO MURDER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU IF WE DIE FOR YOUR SHITTY ELF PRANKS” [12/29/14, 1:40:25 AM] winters: SHI T [12/29/14, 1:41:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: they manage to get back by just running for the surface at full title [12/29/14, 1:41:04 AM] casimir reed-stark: *tilt [12/29/14, 1:41:29 AM] winters: ty have to call out directions to leliana. she's good but she still can't see in the pitch black [12/29/14, 1:41:31 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev’s like “ALISTAIR PICK LELIANA UP AND CARRY HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT” [12/29/14, 1:41:37 AM] winters: SHIT [12/29/14, 1:41:46 AM] winters: THAT'S A BETTER ALTERNATIVE [12/29/14, 1:42:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: he’s just like “i am so sorry” and she’s like “for what where the fuck are you” and alistair just unceremoniously picks her up and throws her over his shoulder and runs [12/29/14, 1:43:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: they wind up back at camp like panting and out of breath and redfaced and leliana looks like she’s about to stab alistair in the face and then come for the other two and morrigan just raises an eyebrow critically and wynne is like “are you alright what on earth happened” and leliana’s like “i’m going to bed before i kill all of these idiots is what is happening right now goodnight" [12/29/14, 1:45:45 AM] winters: alistair goes to call out an i'm sorry but thinks better of it. turns on zev n estel like........ wtf guys. w HAT IS GOING ON what was that WHY did we do that. s ooooooo dangerous. that was dangerous w HY im fine this is fine [12/29/14, 1:46:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: they’re like [12/29/14, 1:46:20 AM] casimir reed-stark: well. we had an idea but we really didn’t think out fully what to do if we were actually right [12/29/14, 1:46:29 AM] casimir reed-stark: the plan did not get that far [12/29/14, 1:46:50 AM] casimir reed-stark: but anyway congrats on being one of us [12/29/14, 1:47:03 AM] casimir reed-stark: he’s like what the FUCK are you talking about [12/29/14, 1:47:05 AM] winters: g REAT [laughs weakly] wait. what [12/29/14, 1:47:31 AM] casimir reed-stark: yeah see the thing is u know how leliana was the only one of us who couldnt see shit in that cave [12/29/14, 1:47:43 AM] casimir reed-stark: yeah humans cant see shit in the dar [12/29/14, 1:47:54 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistairs like well THIS human can. wait what [12/29/14, 1:48:06 AM] winters: yEP [12/29/14, 1:48:22 AM] winters: haha guys gr8 prank good one [12/29/14, 1:48:36 AM] winters: i dont get it [12/29/14, 1:49:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: “im going to bed and for the record youre both assholes” “yeah and whats ur point round ear” “wE ALL HAVE ROUND EARS I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS JOKE IS YOU BOTH SUCK” [12/29/14, 1:50:00 AM] winters: C HILD [12/29/14, 1:50:20 AM] casimir reed-stark: morrigan walks over and is just like “fucks sake u dense fools. zevran. estel. please stop fucking with him like this he’s not smart enough to figure out what you’re saying on his own. alistair. you’re a fucking idiot and also you’re half elf apparently. congradulations, now you have a reason to be shit on by society like the rest of us." [12/29/14, 1:50:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: “now will you all stop yelling and go to sleep” [12/29/14, 1:50:43 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair just makes a weird squeaky noise [12/29/14, 1:51:36 AM] winters: zev and estel like awh morrigan you ruin all our fun [12/29/14, 1:51:57 AM] winters: alistair trying 2 cope with it. a lright okay i definitely need to lay down now [12/29/14, 1:53:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: “my dear morrigan” “stop” “ehem. rude. my /dearest/ morrigan, has it ever occured to you that you are a fun sponge” *morrigan: shapeshifts* *zevran: exit, pursued by a bear* [12/29/14, 1:54:04 AM] winters: N ICE [12/29/14, 1:54:34 AM] winters: i love the. ehem. rude [12/29/14, 1:54:36 AM] winters: amazing
death death and more death
in which everyone dies and i made em cry and divorce me like four times but its ok i also cried and divorced myself. talkin abt the zevstel fade thing but also then... zevbela.... dying.... and then suddenly!fenders.... surprise...... also dying.... horrible....
[12/29/14, 4:00:53 AM] casimir reed-stark: did u read the dear avery thing [12/29/14, 4:00:58 AM] casimir reed-stark: i forget if i made you read that [12/29/14, 4:02:28 AM] winters: i cant rmr the titles tbh [12/29/14, 4:02:36 AM] winters: you linked me 2 fics so [12/29/14, 4:02:48 AM] casimir reed-stark: no that was. that was a zevstel post i made [12/29/14, 4:03:02 AM] casimir reed-stark: that i made bc i was listening to dear avery too much and it mademe think of a thing bc its [12/29/14, 4:03:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: haha [12/29/14, 4:03:12 AM] winters: oh SNAP [12/29/14, 4:03:14 AM] winters: no i didnt [12/29/14, 4:03:21 AM] casimir reed-stark: oh boy [12/29/14, 4:03:28 AM] winters: g od FUCKIGN DANG IT [12/29/14, 4:03:41 AM] winters: stop getting on the goddamn pain train casimir [12/29/14, 4:03:48 AM] casimir reed-stark: http://pimpmyaravel.tumblr.com/post/106004866340/i-love-to-die [12/29/14, 4:03:59 AM] winters: i love to die [12/29/14, 4:04:07 AM] winters: im going to die [12/29/14, 4:04:09 AM] casimir reed-stark: http://cloudbank.co.vu/post/105987071404/dear-avery-the-decemberists [12/29/14, 4:04:15 AM] casimir reed-stark: accompanying listening [12/29/14, 4:10:40 AM] winters: iM CRYING F UCK OFF WITH UR ZEVESTEL [12/29/14, 4:10:51 AM] winters: rmr how we were talking abt happy zevestel things earlier [12/29/14, 4:10:58 AM] winters: and then u decided 2 bring the pain back [12/29/14, 4:11:02 AM] winters: t HANKS [12/29/14, 4:11:08 AM] casimir reed-stark: hey man this is bittersweet at least [12/29/14, 4:11:17 AM] casimir reed-stark: THEY GET TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN ITS NOT ALL BAD [12/29/14, 4:11:24 AM] casimir reed-stark: i mean they are still dead. they are still very much dead [12/29/14, 4:11:49 AM] casimir reed-stark: but i mean how many ppl can say they got to fuck their dead lover in the fade man. zevran that’s how many [12/29/14, 4:12:13 AM] winters: ofc it's zevran [12/29/14, 4:12:38 AM] winters: i'm just. im glad but im in a lot of heartache about it [12/29/14, 4:14:14 AM] casimir reed-stark: after zev and isabela die (many many years later)….. estel is there to greet them and zev is like. shifts uncomfortably not sure what he’s suppsoed to do and bela’s like oh just go to them you idiot come on we’re not getting any younger [12/29/14, 4:14:55 AM] casimir reed-stark: zevran and isabela live a long time together but something still says to me that when they die they die together in one really impressive blaze of glory [12/29/14, 4:15:37 AM] winters: i can imagine that so easily. one last time, my dear isabela? of course. [12/29/14, 4:15:51 AM] casimir reed-stark: neither of them wants to get old [12/29/14, 4:15:58 AM] casimir reed-stark: they do anyway but there’s a point at which it’s like [12/29/14, 4:16:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: we all have callings of our own [12/29/14, 4:16:17 AM] casimir reed-stark: it’s time. [12/29/14, 4:17:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: we’ve had a damned good long life. too long. let’s go. hand in hand they probably like [12/29/14, 4:17:13 AM] winters: im sure they have heists that they always wanted to pull but the posibility of drying was too high. theres always that one quest theyve always wanted to do i imagine........ [12/29/14, 4:17:59 AM] casimir reed-stark: steal a mountain of gaatlok and use it to blow up some tevinter slaver building. they find ways to get all the slaves out and just. blow up the slavers and their riches with them [12/29/14, 4:18:29 AM] winters: oh. yeah [12/29/14, 4:18:57 AM] casimir reed-stark: but it’s impossible to do it and trigger it without being close enough that the blast will hit whoever does it so while they aren’t like. inside. it’s the concussive force of the explosion that knocks them back and they’re gone before it hurts [12/29/14, 4:19:23 AM] winters: they planned it well. i just, yeah [12/29/14, 4:19:31 AM] winters: the only way i could imagine them going [12/29/14, 4:20:17 AM] casimir reed-stark: they got fenris to help of course. he understood what they were doing and it was his life’s work really and he wouldn’t give them the information they needed to do it unless they promised he could go with them [12/29/14, 4:20:29 AM] casimir reed-stark: someone to bring their bodies back. he wouldn’t let them just disappear [12/29/14, 4:21:42 AM] winters: oh no [12/29/14, 4:22:53 AM] casimir reed-stark: merrill is furious at first that they didn’t say goodbye and tell her but fenris is like come on be serious would you have let them go in peace [12/29/14, 4:23:16 AM] casimir reed-stark: and she’s like i don’t know honestly [12/29/14, 4:23:24 AM] casimir reed-stark: i might have. [12/29/14, 4:24:15 AM] winters: they become the closest of friends. fenris becomes more tolerant as he grows older, less quick to anger, realises past mistakes. but isabela is still the only one he lets call him on a lot of things, or call him names. i always imagined that, no matter what, bela and fenris became close [12/29/14, 4:24:29 AM] casimir reed-stark: yeah [12/29/14, 4:25:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: at least in estelverse it’s 100% canon that all of the da2 LIs have stuff w each other at some point p much [12/29/14, 4:25:24 AM] winters: yeah [12/29/14, 4:25:27 AM] casimir reed-stark: merrill only has stuff w hawke and isabela [12/29/14, 4:25:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: but [12/29/14, 4:25:40 AM] casimir reed-stark: fenris and isabela have a thing and so do isabela and anders at one point and then like [12/29/14, 4:25:55 AM] casimir reed-stark: im total garbage about fenris and anders winding up being like [12/29/14, 4:26:09 AM] casimir reed-stark: gradually becoming friends and then actually just caring about each other [12/29/14, 4:26:26 AM] casimir reed-stark: i cant stand fenris/anders when its like. wow they hate each other and they make out lol [12/29/14, 4:26:57 AM] casimir reed-stark: i want fenris/anders where theyre both alone and angry and hurting and they reconcile their differences and come to see that they’re soft in all the same places??? [12/29/14, 4:27:12 AM] casimir reed-stark: and that their hardness doesnt have to be pitted against each other either [12/29/14, 4:27:28 AM] casimir reed-stark: they come to an understanding and then there’s just the general sense of fondness you develop when you know someone that long and they save your skin so many times [12/29/14, 4:28:02 AM] winters: honestly yeah. i just. yeah lmao wow that's such an important thing to me [12/29/14, 4:28:05 AM] casimir reed-stark: no one’s ever quite sure whether they’re “together” ever but [12/29/14, 4:29:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: when anders gets his calling… fenris goes to the deep roads with him. not all the way down. anders won’t let him not make it back [12/29/14, 4:30:11 AM] winters: you cant do this to me. youre not allowed to fuck me up with anders and fenris today as well [12/29/14, 4:30:12 AM] casimir reed-stark: but they go together and they fight together and when the hurt in his head overwhelms him and a darkspawn cuts him down finally, fenris snaps and kills every last one in the vicinity so he can hold anders while he dies [12/29/14, 4:30:48 AM] winters: nO [12/29/14, 4:30:58 AM] winters: i want a divorce [12/29/14, 4:31:21 AM] casimir reed-stark: and he’s grown just good enough at this by now to bite back how badly he wants to beg him not to go after all. this is why they came here and they both knew it but don’t leave me alone not when i only just realized i wasn’t while you were here [12/29/14, 4:31:34 AM] casimir reed-stark: and anders just. [12/29/14, 4:33:56 AM] casimir reed-stark: “i’m glad you came. glad you stayed. i’m sorry. sorry i have to leave you alone again. i know you’re thinking it, it’s alright. thank you. you have been a most unlikely friend. and a more unlikely lover. and i am happy. to have my last moment be here with you and not alone with the dark.” [12/29/14, 4:34:19 AM] casimir reed-stark: “don’t get yourself killed on the way back without me to protect you, alright" [12/29/14, 4:34:51 AM] casimir reed-stark: fenris just growls out like. “as if i need you to protect me, mage. what am i going to do without you” [12/29/14, 4:35:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: “keep fighting” [12/29/14, 4:35:16 AM] winters: why are you doing t his to me im crying so much [12/29/14, 4:36:51 AM] casimir reed-stark: “i’m sorry i can’t fight with you anymore. it’s so cold. hate the blighted deep roads” fenris just holds him a little closer. he’s got one arm wrapped around him, the other pressed to the wound on anders’ side [12/29/14, 4:37:00 AM] casimir reed-stark: trying to keep him warm [12/29/14, 4:37:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: it doesn’t work [12/29/14, 4:42:06 AM] winters: are you quite done [12/29/14, 4:42:12 AM] winters: tearing my heart out [12/29/14, 4:43:19 AM] casimir reed-stark: anders hand just suddenly tightens on fenris’s arm and there’s blood at the corners of anders mouth and he smiles and coughs and looks right in fenris’s eyes and tries to say something and fenris is just like “stop, i know, you don’t have to hurt yourself to say it” “don’t… you’ll always wonder… what it might sound like… if i don’t… say it… it’s alright… don’t know how it happened… glad you’re here… glad to meet death in the arms of a man i love…” and fenris stutters and he’s terrified and anders is having trouble keeping his eyes open and fenris feels his eyes stinging and he’s so angry but he makes his words gentle “and better to know that man loves you as well, i hope. know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. sleep well, my friend.” [12/29/14, 4:44:45 AM] winters: well i stopped crying and now im crying again i hope ur pleased. im glad they had each other though, that they loved each other in the end and that fenris could be there [12/29/14, 4:44:55 AM] winters: im so messed up [12/29/14, 4:45:02 AM] casimir reed-stark: anders eyes flutter, half open, and then closed. his hand slowly loosens its grip on fenris’s arm and all the tension of the years finally releases. and he’s gone. [12/29/14, 4:46:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: and fenris does what hasn’t been done in maker knows how long - he brings back the body of a lost warden. he can’t bury him back in any of the places they called home, but he can take him out of the deep roads at least. anders hated the deep roads. [12/29/14, 4:46:48 AM] casimir reed-stark: there’s a forest outside the entrance, so fenris buries him there [12/29/14, 4:47:22 AM] casimir reed-stark: he digs the grave with his sword and his hands and before he goes he plants a tree on top of it. merrill would have liked that. [12/29/14, 4:48:11 AM] winters: she would [12/29/14, 4:48:46 AM] casimir reed-stark: he takes anders staff back with him, and starts the long road home, to where hawke is [12/29/14, 4:50:00 AM] casimir reed-stark: hawke asks him how far he went with him and fenris just says “all the way down” [12/29/14, 4:50:30 AM] winters: oh [12/29/14, 4:50:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: varric’s like “what’s that mean” and fenris snaps back “it means all the way. to the end. what more do you want me to say" [12/29/14, 4:53:24 AM] casimir reed-stark: he sighs and is just like “isabela please just make the joke alright i can see it’s in there and you’re trying to not because the man i loved just died but. i mean . oh maker whatever i don’t care i’m going to bed it’s been a long journey home and i dont want to deal with being awake bye" [12/29/14, 4:53:34 AM] casimir reed-stark: he just walks out and theyre all like [12/29/14, 4:53:38 AM] casimir reed-stark: well i dont know what to say about any of this [12/29/14, 4:53:49 AM] casimir reed-stark: i dont know how to deal with anders actually being dead let alone THAT [12/29/14, 4:54:17 AM] casimir reed-stark: isabela spnds a minute whisper-arguing with zev before the agree to go see if they can help fenris out [12/29/14, 4:54:33 AM] casimir reed-stark: he angrily kicks them out and insists he wants to be alone [12/29/14, 4:55:28 AM] casimir reed-stark: merrill comes in a bit later and talks with him a bit. he tells her about the tree he planted. and that he meant to from the start. he brought the seeds with him. pure ironbark. nothing less for a hero of that much strength [12/29/14, 4:56:31 AM] casimir reed-stark: she tells him anders was lucky to have had him there, even if it had taken him a long time to get to there. she’s lucky to have him here now too. they all are [12/29/14, 4:57:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: she puts both hands on his face and just gently tells him not to let his grief make him careless. we can’t lose you too [12/29/14, 4:57:09 AM] winters: u can fuck r ight off. i cant believe this. i just whined out loud. n o [12/29/14, 4:57:48 AM] casimir reed-stark: he snaps back that he won’t but he knows she’s right and he softens and sighs and just . manages a thank you [12/29/14, 4:58:00 AM] casimir reed-stark: she gives him an odd look and gets up to go but [12/29/14, 4:59:00 AM] winters: she always believed in them both. that had a big impact on them, didnt it? even when they would snap and snarl, she was always there....... [12/29/14, 4:59:12 AM] winters: bye [12/29/14, 5:01:48 AM] casimir reed-stark: turns back at the last moment, kneels back down, tucks some of fenris’s loose hair back behind his ear, smiles, and kisses him. gently, just once. “you aren’t alone, fenris,” she says. “and no one ever belongs to only one person. even if your heart lays mostly with one, it’s never only theirs. and no heart is incapable of loving again simply because its lost. we all cared for him, and i’m sorry. i know what it’s like to lose people you love.” her face twists with that sorrow of remembering - mistakes she never stops killing herself over, the faces of everyone who died because she tried too hard and they didn’t love her like she loved them and she was wrong. [12/29/14, 5:02:42 AM] casimir reed-stark: she leaves fenris to his thoughts, goes back to her own bed, to where hawke is [12/29/14, 5:03:31 AM] casimir reed-stark: “so do we have to post guards outside his tent to make sure he doesn’t go running off to get himself killed too?” [12/29/14, 5:04:00 AM] casimir reed-stark: “i don’t think so. i think he’ll be alright, actually. with time. it gets a little easier. we just have to keep reminding him we’re here to help." [12/29/14, 5:05:52 AM] winters: that. y eah [12/29/14, 5:07:54 AM] casimir reed-stark: how did i do this again [12/29/14, 5:07:59 AM] casimir reed-stark: why do you keep letting me fucking do this [12/29/14, 5:08:27 AM] winters: i T OLD YOU TO END THIS IMMEDIATELY im SORRY [12/29/14, 5:09:21 AM] winters: w ow we moved from zevestel to zevbela to andersfenris........... and it was a LL ABT DEATH THIGNS [12/29/14, 5:09:33 AM] winters: at least zevestel was bittersweet [12/29/14, 5:09:41 AM] casimir reed-stark: SO WERE THEY ALL COME ON MAN [12/29/14, 5:09:42 AM] winters: and zevbela was like. that was nice [12/29/14, 5:09:49 AM] winters: WTF YEAH [12/29/14, 5:09:59 AM] winters: I J UST REALISED LMAO [12/29/14, 5:10:01 AM] winters: BUT LIKE [12/29/14, 5:10:14 AM] casimir reed-stark: dying in a last blaze of glory together! reunion in dreams! dying in his arms! [12/29/14, 5:10:27 AM] winters: bye [12/29/14, 5:10:32 AM] winters: i love [12/29/14, 5:10:38 AM] winters: but im sad [12/29/14, 5:10:43 AM] casimir reed-stark: also at some point fenris definitely does take up zev and isabela’s offer to join them in their tent for a while [12/29/14, 5:10:54 AM] winters: yeah. that feels right honestly [12/29/14, 5:11:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: he really hadn’t been doing a good job of hiding that he got used to not sleeping alone tbh [12/29/14, 5:12:48 AM] winters: i need to lay down [12/29/14, 5:13:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: this all just came out bc i like [12/29/14, 5:13:23 AM] casimir reed-stark: i am so cautious abt talking. about how i . am actually huge fenris/anders trash but only in this very specific way [12/29/14, 5:13:40 AM] casimir reed-stark: i do not want anyone to get the wrong idea [12/29/14, 5:14:26 AM] winters: i was always like no!!!!!! im not about anders/fenris!!!!! but i think tht's bc so much of it is like........... angry!!! i hate you!!!! lets bone to work out our frustration!!!! [12/29/14, 5:14:32 AM] winters: and im really not about that [12/29/14, 5:14:40 AM] casimir reed-stark: same [12/29/14, 5:14:57 AM] winters: but this. the growing to love each other, understanding and taking the time to be comfortable and kind. that's my thing [12/29/14, 5:15:26 AM] casimir reed-stark: but what a surprise its almost like i really really like ships that start out as varying amounts of disdain and dislike for each other [12/29/14, 5:15:41 AM] casimir reed-stark: and then eventually give way to understanding and trust and love over time and circumstance [12/29/14, 5:15:57 AM] casimir reed-stark: i also just do not for one minute buy that they dont develop more than they are shown to in da2 [12/29/14, 5:16:16 AM] casimir reed-stark: ten fuckin years man come on i just don’t believe aveline and isablea are the only ones who reconcile their differences over that time [12/29/14, 5:16:17 AM] winters: for friggen sure [12/29/14, 5:17:13 AM] winters: how can you be around someone for 10 years, and not learn to be more accepting because it's obvious that keeping up that hate is hard and painful and it's relaly not just worth it in the end [12/29/14, 5:17:22 AM] winters: and as if the rest of them would ahve put up with it for so long [12/29/14, 5:17:48 AM] winters: you cannot tell me that someone wouldnt have knocked some sense into them, or talked to them [12/29/14, 5:18:03 AM] winters: they're stubborn men but not that stubborn [12/29/14, 5:19:32 AM] casimir reed-stark: seriously [12/29/14, 5:20:47 AM] winters: that lack of development is so fucking stupid. fenris ends up being so good wiht a mage hawke in the end like fuck off he wouldnt be okay wiht anders at that point too [12/29/14, 5:21:41 AM] winters: i have faith in this child, and i have faith in anders. get away from me w ur 10 year grudge without apologies or reconcilement bioware [12/29/14, 5:21:43 AM] winters: i refuse [12/29/14, 5:23:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: rly
i love to die
i listened to dear avery and then i thought about zevstel and then i made up this whole fade dream disaster and i made maddi cry and also i cried and then we talked a bit abt other characters but it's like at the end and several of them. this is mostly zevstel emotions haha what's new
mir: idk if you're around/available at all but next time you are and i am remind me to tell you about the dear avery zev in the fade idea i just had bc im crying by myself alone in my room and i have to tell someone at some point or i'll die
maddi: TELL ME
let me cry w/ u
mir: ok prerequisite do you know the song dear avery by the decemberists
bc it's a necessary part of this idea i've had it stuck in my head for weeks and i just put it on repeat again and then suddenly had a thought
maddi: No I do not but I can look it up
mir: i'll go reblog it
maddi: #trufriend
mir: ok i reblogged it
secondary prerequisite i don't know if this is how the fade works but i literally don't care
bc i don't know what people feel happens in the afterlife and i like the idea that maybe after you die you become a spirit or at least some part of you can be found in the fade
bc if the fade is where you go in dreams
maddi: I feel u
mir: then it makes sense to me that when you dream you could find some part of what you've lost
like the part of you that dreamed stays in dreaming forever?
esp with elves bc you know that's like
literally what the ancient elves did instead of dying
the endless dream
anyway i was listening to this song and thinking about it and then zevstel bc i'm always lately haha i love to die but anyway
and. some years after their death, zevran still dreams of them, of course. he will always dream of them, from time to time at least, they will always be with him. it's a curse and a comfort both
but he's never sure what it means. just some conjuring of his heart,he figures?
they never speak to him, and though sometimes he can touch them, they seem distant. he guess it makes sense
they're far away and out of reach and even if there's some part of them in the fade or in him that lets him see them, it makes sense he can't really reach out and touch them
but he'd give anything to hear their voice again, even if they didn't really say anything, it would be enough, though that doesn't keep him from thinking what it might be like if he could have their counsel back
their comfort in the dark and the shine that they were, his hope
they made him believe in everything
that the world was a beautiful place and worth fighting for
and that he was worthy of being a part of that and of being loved
and that he could help
that helping was worthwhile and things could be changed, differences could be made, that loving and trying and fighting were not without meaning
it seems cheap to say he'd kill to hear them speak one more time
because he's killed for so much less
and then one night, an anniversary of the day he lost them, of course, the dream is different
he finds himself in unfamiliar territory in his dream
the fade outside his dreaming
it's terrifying and beautiful
soft and glowing and strange
he thinks he might be in some kind of forest, but its not any forest he knows
maddi: [softly] don't
mir: the trees are taller than any he's ever seen and they seem both to sparkle and to absorb light entirely
plants grow at their bases, vines around their trunks, with flowers that make him dizzy to look at too long
a gentle breeze stirs his hair and he only just notices that he's naked but he doesn't mind, because he feels safe, there's nothing else in the woods that can hurt him, the fade is supposed to be full of spirits and this must be the fade, but he hasn't seen a single one this time
he supposes he's not a mage so maybe they're just not interested
he follows a faint path, he instinctually suspects is a halla's foraging trail, through to a clearing
the light is dappled and shining in the glowing mist, the soft, almost golden grass beneath his feet that barely seems to touch his skin
and estel is there
maddi: [whispers] don't
mir: their skin is covered in scars, some he knows, some he doesnt, and their long hair is unbound, spilling over their shoulders, over their breasts, and creators help him it was never that only, it was so much more, but he has missed their body
he doesn't expect words or touch but this is enough, this is everything, peace with them and he swears at least this once its not something he built in his head
and then they reach out their hands to him and he comes to them and reaches out and takes them and oh mythal guard them and keep them here forever please he takes their hands and they take his and he can feel them
speech is hard and he doesn't recognize his own voice when he speaks
he wants to tell them everything, i love you and i've missed you and you were so brave i've tried to be brave too but sometimes its so hard without you
after a moment he realizes he sounds strange to himself because somehow he's speaking elvhen
and it overwhelms him that he has no idea where he is or how he got there or if he can ever get back but he almost hopes he can't
more than almost
and they smile
and draw him close to them and they're so warm how are they so warm
he can feel their lips against the skin of his neck, just below his ear, as they murmur "i've missed you too, ma vhenan"
and he shivers, his entire body just filled with light and why now, he wants to stay forever, but why now, he's glad of it, doesn't want to forget what they feel like in his arms, but how is he supposed to hold anything else once he's remembered them all over again
as if they can hear him thinking, maybe they can, they tell him they have time
they don't understand it all, can't tell him much more, but they fought for this, and he doesn't ask from who because he's somewhat terrified to know
but he knows
his warden would fight a god for the favour to see their beloved again
they spend an eternity together, or a moment, he kisses every scar on their skin, every freckle, they touch each other in every way they can find, talk and don't talk, and they sing to him, songs they learned somewhere far away
songs he doesn't think he can take back with him, even though he wants to
he imagines if leliana could learn these songs
but he doesn't think they could be heard outside the fade
maddi: Mir I'm a mess this is amazing
mir:
after some time immesurable and immaterial passes though
he feels himself growing suddenly tired
and they both know they're being called back
maddi: No
mir: i will always be with you, estel tells him, always, in your heart i am alive, but do not be afraid to love others, please, you taught me to love, do not forget your own lessons
and he smiles and kisses them and tells them he could never
and if there's a part of him that wants to scream at them and beg them why did you do it why did you leave me how could you let me go he knows they didn't and he knows why and he knows. he knows them as he knows himself, maybe more, and he could never hurt him with those things, and they know, they've asked themself all the same, he knows, but it still stings in the back of his throat sometimes
they don't know if they'll ever see each other again, but estel swears they'll keep trying
zevran lays down in their arms in the clearing, warm light bathing them both in gold
and when he wakes in the cold ferelden morning, some of that lingers
he closes his eyes and remembers them, and he can still hear their songs, but he can't sing them, and that's ok
wherever they are, they're ok
they're at peace, maybe it's time he tried to be so too
it's been four years since he lost them. it's time to start moving on
not letting go, never letting go
but to believe in going forward
maddi: MIR IM CRYING
WHY DO U DO THIS
mir: because i love to die
maddi: u love to die and kill me
U r the worst
mir: i cant die alone i cant do it ok
maddi: God ur the worst so much
One day I'll tell u some of my horrible anders/hawke headcanons
Like my demolition lovers one
mir: song inspired headcanons more like (dies)
maddi: EVERY TIME
mir: my hawke/anders stuff is mostly pretty sweet actually bc its all just heron being this wall of support just holding anders up with strong soft hands and never doubting him
and there's bittersweetness obviously but like in the end the tinuvielverse is all the happiest endings for everyone lmao
that wasn't quite intentional but all my ships in that 'verse end in "and then they got gay married and were happy forever"
maddi: My hawke, Lucien, romances anders and everything hurts because their romance is literally the burn fast an bright kind
The happiest ending any of my kids ha is "loses an arm and suffers severe PTSD for the rest of his life with the boyf"
That's aras tho
mir: i mean like tinuviel becomes warden commander and leliana becomes the fuckin divine and frees mages and tinuviel finds a way to put off her calling beyond normal limits out of her pure love and tenacity for leliana and the world like literally she just manages to reject the calling bc of how much she believes the world needs her
and then heron gets anders to safety and refuses to leave him ever and protects him and they eventually adopt kids and raise them somewhere safe
and tintalle. well. becomes keeper and defies anyone to say a word about dorian staying with him
tinuvielverse is literally "everyone is gay and has happy endings"
maddi: God imagine Dorian with a dalish clan what a mess
That's so nice tho
mir: it's a lot less complicated than the estelverse but also much less tragic
and then casperverse is really all over the place??
in estelverse and tinuvielverse everyone is Really Sure of their duty and their passion at their causes and being heroes and all that and like
casperverse is all people who are like "i have no idea how i got here and kind of would like to go home"
maddi: Incredible
mir: selaverse is the least consistent just bc canary is a combo breaker. sela and bellatrix are both "aggressive dark ladies who kick ass hardcore" and then canary is like "i like putting flowers in my beard and having way more intense sex with my gigantic boyfriend than you would assume about me based on that first statement"
maddi: OMFG CANARY
I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT FROM A TINY DARLING NAMED CANARY
mir: tiny bear
maddi: I feel like aras would admire the heck out of canary
Like aras is this 19 year old virgin who tries so hard to look cool but is actually a huge fuckin dork
mir: omg i have to get dressed
maddi: And he'd just be like 'WOAH' @ canary and starry eyes
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fuck you em, you fucking suck, how dare you make me think about this, i'm getting a fucking divorce
in which a joke about our fucking twitter icons turned into me talking about what would happen if zevran and ruive met and then i FUCKING DIED!! IM DEAD!!!
em: also. in this dm it looks like ruive is fucking looking up at zev and it's terrible
mir: i just had a heart attack thinking about that oh mf cukin. heck. theyw ould look up to him tho... i just broke my own heart so hard
em: No.. no shut UP
mir: i'm in critical condition i can't believe i hadn't thought abt what would happen if they met him and esp if they found out.... his... hlep
they meet him in the typical like "fight first ask questions later" way and they just know that leliana trusts him so they're like "k cool"
em: dont do this???? talking to zev abt warden hahahahha im cry
[whispers] n o
mir: and then when they've won he just gets up smiling and covered in blood but looking very alive and winks at leliana
and he's just like "not as young and beautiful as we used to be, eh? or at least, not as young, we are still both very beautiful"
em: flirts to the bitter end
mir: "ah but where are my manners! your young companion here is this 'herald of andraste', yes? honoured to meet you, im sure. my name is zevran arainai"
and like they get acquainted and ruive is charmed from the get go and he makes leliana smile and brings out this whole new side of her and
and they like. wait a bit before they do but finally as they're back in camp, ruive interrupts and is just. "i'm sorry but, where did the two of you meet, exactly? you've known each other a long time?"
zevran smiles and he's just. had the strangest look
ruive can't shake the impression that he's trying to look like. through them. like it's just his eyes but he can't stop staring, and, well
at first they were just kind of like. they're used to staring at this point. but usually people stare at them, then their hand, then stop
but like they get the impression that he's really not looking at them at all and that he also doesn't realize he's doing it
em:
f uck
mir: either way, he finally stops, for a moment, when they ask him where he'd met leliana. he's been laughing for hours, but... somehow...
somehow it's the first moment he's looked truly happy? ruive can't make sense of him at all, but they want to try,
"let's see... it was... almost twelve years ago? has it really been so long..." he trails off, only for a moment, but long enough that
ruive notices leliana move to interject, but he keeps going before she can, though they have time to trade quick reassuring smiles
"we met in the company of the hero of ferelden. i'm sure you'll have heard of them, and likely from better storytellers than myself"
em: my heart is in my throat
mir: ruive's eyes go wide bc you know, this is their hero, their legend, the one they played at being when they were a kid and emulate now,
and they just "YOU knew warden mahariel? you were one of their companions? with leliana and king alistair & morrigan?" their face lights up
and it's been twelve years but something about them, about ruive, their earnestness maybe, their hope, tenacity, their wry wit, who knows,
maybe just their tanned skin and their red hair and their bright eyes, green and full of wonder and youth, or maybe the way they fight,
their hands on their bow like the grip is part of their body, the way all dalish hunters are, the way that estel was, creators, why now,
em: whines
mir: zevran can't stop his voice from cracking as he looks down into the fire and just says "yes. i knew estel. for as long as i could."
and ruive, for all their reckless nature, knows better than to ask anymore, just to wait, to let him say or not say. it's not their place.
but after a moment he looks up and smiles again. "it's alright to ask, da'len," he tells them, and they're startled at his use of the word
but he says it in a rough, strange way, like it tastes strange in his mouth, and they know he doesn't use elvhen words very often
and something about him makes them want to be brave. "were you... i'm sorry, i don't know how to ask. did you... did you love them?"
em: oh
mir: "more than the moon loves the stars or the sunset loves the horizon," he tells them. "do not be sorry to have asked. it is good to say."
after that they mostly sit in silence and let him talk. leliana seems warmer and younger, listening to him, sometimes adding her own parts
em: "it is good to say" my darling heart. and just. them having the chance to reflect in a way that brings them back to life almost.
happily instead of steeped in sorrow
mir: and so they hear all the parts of the story that will never make it into all the legends and the ballads
em: they're at peace now. and being able to share their memories with someone who Knew
mir: it's hours and a few skins of wine before zevran admits that his strange look is because ruive looks just like estel in so many ways
and they understand, almost at once, the odd looks sometimes cast by leliana, or the way king alistair faltered for a moment at redcliffe
it's the same sort of understanding they had when they first met hawke, of all the easy fondness varric had for them, despite his distance
but of course, this is even more
after a time zevran asks them "so, my young hero, i know it is unlikely to have been so lucky in love as my estel was, but what of you?"
they tell him, after a momentary exchange of permissive glances with leliana of course, about josephine
em: oh my god. antivans out the ears
mir: zevran insists on meeting her, of course, and leliana is just like. oh maker i've been trying to keep them from each other for years
em: im l aughing
mir: zevran just. tells them. to remember that life is unknown. only love and death are certain. make sure to know them both with intimacy.
and never to let your heart grow cold and bitter, nor your hope to die. there's an odd glimmer in his eyes on that one,
and ruive doesn't understand that he had a double meaning, that the glimmer was bc it was a ill humoured joke - estel, of course, means hope
when they finish the mission that brought them together, zevran swears a sort of fealty to them, to be there if they ever have need
to let him guide them in any way he can, or to support them if they need that instead, and they accept gladly, but don't understand why
it's not because they were particularly impressive or because they remind him of estel only, surely? zevran doesn't seem the type
so they ask leliana why she thinks he placed his loyalty in them so quickly, and she sort of. hesitates and then says. she has an idea. but.
"is it just because i remind him of... of warden mahariel? surely that's not enough alone?" and leliana sighs and says "you know, i'm not sure it is entirely my place to tell, nor to know what zevran is thinking, thank the maker for that, i'll be honest, but… i suspect he sees both pieces of estel and himself in you, and a sort of... missed opportunity. a second chance, if you follow my thinking"
and ruive's just like "you know i'm really not sure i do" and leliana sighs and just says "i've said enough, why don't you ask him yourself?
so. next time they see him. they do and he's like "well what did dear leliana tell you" and so he tells him. and he laughs
and he's like "she never misses anything, does she? well, some things, you would be surprised, but... this time, she is right. you know i had quite hoped to avoid this conversation? i had hoped you would be so used to declarations of followers by now you would not ask. and yet, here we are.
no, don't apologize, i did say you could ask whatever you wished, were it in my power to grant an answer. and my embarrassment is common enough, so it would be foolish to call it a reason to keep an answer from you. no, leliana is right. a "missed opportunity", as she so tactfully phrased things, is precisely what i see. you are... a little older than we may have had, but…”
he trails off and ruive takes just a minute on the up take before their eyes sort of widen incredulously and they're like. omg
and as if to prove that his call is totally bang on here, they both spend the next several minutes completely unable to talk to each other
bc they both definitely can only be in either "way too intense, even light stuff" mode or "everything is a joke, even horrible things" mode
em: oh. my god i didnt even. i didnt think abotu that either and now......... shit
mir: so they go back to just. chatting and easy stories and stuff and ruive just like. has no idea how to actually react to this but like
to be fair neither does zevran. ruive had thought since they'd met that he saw estel when he looked at them and that was why he looked odd
but it's not estel he's seeing. it's what they might have had together if estel had lived. he's seeing the kids he didn't get to raise.
ruive notes to be cautious around introducing him to their brother, should it ever happen. their blond brother. with the dark vallaslin.
em: oh. shit
wtf babe im about to cry
mir: i mean if zev met tintalle first he probably wouldn't have seen so much resemblance, but meeting him after knowing ruive, he would for sure
and like. ruive is very much a black sheep in their family, so while zevran would be fond of tintalle, he wouldn't have seen the same thing
em: yeah, ic an see that
mir: au where estel doesn't die and ruive is literally zev and estel's kid
im going to pass out
em: BYE
welcome to estel/zevran hell
enjoy ur stay!!! disclaimer: i love to die
this is literally just me talking abt how estel's death affects zevran. misery and despair
wow i am being just really exceptionally emotional about dragon game today. i just started crying about estel and zevran. tho. to be fair estel and zevran is really just the most miserable thing in any of my dragon game anything. it's hell and i'm dying
"but mir! u made the choice! you could easily not have that happen!"
yeah but. it affects So Much in my alpha world state. it Has to happen, it's absolutely vital to my personal lore in my alpha world state that estel dies. everything kind of comes from that in some way or another, but... that. doesn't mean that i get any less Extremely Fucked Up about it tho bc it's really miserable and. zev is Alone for too long afterwards
i mean eventually zev gets his own happy ending but it literally is twelve years later that he finally gets his peace and happiness
--
it's like. none of these song specifically really fit estel/zev at all but it's the most profoundly sad da ship i have so that's why i'm thinkin abt it
idk if it makes it worse that they were so happy and zevran both does and doesn't recover the way he does or not. but they were so happy, and yeah they wouldn't have had all that much of a future. assassins and wardens both don't have very long life expectancies. but. there was never hesitation with them. they both knew their days were numbered all along. they lived and loved so strongly while they could
it's just that neither of them expected their time to be up so soon. they were just settling into the idea of building lives together. they were so completely happy & at peace with each other. which. is part of why estel did it. bc they truly felt. they'd always be with him, and estel's choice was between leaving people behind the way they had been left, or by having more people they loved die because of them.
estel chose to die bc they couldn't let anyone else die in their place. never again. not after tamlen. but they've also learned that loss lasts forever, but. it can be eased by other loves. you can learn to love again, your heart continues to beat, and the things left behind when you're the one left behind make you stronger in ways nothing else does. it's all just justification but it's their choice and their conviction never falters
it's sort of. ironic. they are able to die. and leave zevran behind. almost entirely because of how zevran taught them to love so strongly
they know they'll leave scars but that zevran won't ever be alone. he'll understand. and he'll keep them with him. and he'll move on.
he won't ever let them go but he won't let them hold him back. it'll hurt him sometimes, but their ghost will keep him warm, and in the end, they face their death with resolution and think of him. estel's life was short. their lives together in love shorter still. but they were happy, and that never fades, never loses meaning. their love stays when they go, like tamlen's stayed for them, to ease the heart even as it makes it ache
zevran isn't surprised. shocked to lose them, yes, but not at their choice. he understands. a true hero could never belong to just one man.
he'll never fully shake the ache that creeps up in him, mornings waking up after dreams of them like they were never gone, shaken, longing, but he'll never blame them for what they did. he loved them too much to remember them with bitterness. and they changed the world. in the end it doesn't matter all that much that they changed him first, or that they were so much of his world, that they saved him before they saved anyone else, because what they mean and meant to him is different than one they mean to the world, to ferelden, to their people and their other companions left behind, but they're all around him in those different meanings.
he'll never lose them entirely, and he'll never lose their love, knowing they were happy once, that if things were different, in another life maybe, they could have been happy forever. and sometimes that's enough. it has to be. he decides to live life more for the both of them rather than let his own languish and slip away like he had been before he met them. they would have wanted to see them free again. they would have wanted to see him happy.
in memories of touch and whispers, laughter, tears, words exchanged long into the night, the tending of wounds, the heat of battle, and the heat of love, side by side, zevran will keep them alive within him, but more than that, beyond just the bounds of what he can hold he knows that while the intimacy belonged to him alone, that there are pieces of every hero that are never sung, that even so, as he will keep them alive in his heart,
the world will keep them in song forever,
for now his love is a legend, and legends never truly die.
zev/isabela in alpha state and more of the Everything Goes Back To Estel
aka "it takes like 13 years but zevran DOES get a happy ending", ft mentions of The Kids and like. it is a Really happy ending. i tried to make up for the zev/estel misery??
yeah...... gods ok
ok so first you have to understand that in my alpha world state zevran was involved with my warden and estel died to kill the archdemon, and that isabela was involved with my hawke but petra ultimately wound up with merrill and isabela stayed with the two of them together for a while before she moved on bc she never stays put long
also isabela was friends with estel and like they did the threesome thing soooo. yeah zev and isabela have all that history AND zevran's dead lover (arguably the only true love of his life up to that point and they were just starting to be like. happy and safe and think about building some kind of life together even if the calling was hanging over their heads and life is full of dangerous surprises but neither of them thought it would end that soon and not like that haha i love to die) so they have that between them to boot
they love and understand each other fiercely in a way literally no one else in the world will ever be able to and they wind up travelling together after da2 after isabela leaves merrill and petra and varric and then at some point or another after they've been together for quite some time they just realize that like. they're going to stay together for the rest of their lives and they're both ok with that idea. they're never going to get tired of each other. they're never going to feel unsafe with each other. they'll never feel lonely or like they're just drifting aimlessly place to place if they have each other, because they make life an adventure to live, so long as they live it together
and like isabela is bad at love and zevran had finally gotten it after all that time but wounds like that don't heal all the way really ever and besides he kind of didnt let himself get over it? like estel has been dead for a dozen years at that point but he is really like. he doesn't WANT to get over them he doesn't WANT to move on he really doesn't want to risk falling in love again because he loved them so much and they were so good for him and he lost them so soon and so hard and some part of him whether or not that's something he admits to himself really hasn't given up blaming himself in this twisted around way for their death
literally both isabela and zevran kind of have this idea that they're both like. cursed. if they love someone that person will ultimately get hurt. and they'll lose them in the long run and they won't be able to keep them safe and they can't deal with that
so it takes them a long time to realize that they're kind of in love with each other and that it happened so slowly and accidentally that they never had the butterflies or the awkwardness of courtship they just slipped somehow into the place where they share everything effortlessly and they trust each other implicitly and they'll be happy no matter what as long as they stay together. and they've always been attracted to each other obviously and neither of them cares if they other has other sorts of affairs obviously but they both know that at the end of the day they're for each other now and that's. ridiculous. they have a stable life together (as stable as you can be when you go around sailing and travelling and getting into tons of trouble i mean).
when they visit hawke and their family, the kids call them aunt isabela and uncle zevran
at some point when they're extremely drunk they even wind up somehow getting married. neither of them remember the wedding and both suspect foul play but no one present will fess up to being instigator, but its on the records at the chantry in denerim and that means it must have actually happened, so, well, that actually happened
(it was a complicated prank idea worked out between hawke, varric, and leliana, actually, though its unclear whether the original prank idea that varric and hawke came up with was to have a fake wedding that they did remember or a real wedding that they didn't. so they also suspect foul play, which is completely dead on, because it was pretty much all leliana pulling the strings there, unsurprisingly. she had some kind of idea that this might just wind up sitting in the back of zev and isabela's heads and like. it would help finish healing the wound they'd all suffered. and she should know. she'd loved their warden too.)
they never have kids of their own, but they visit hawke, merrill, and varric's kids a lot. to a slightly lesser extent, they're involved in aveline and donnic's kids lives too, just with aveline supervising a little more strictly for their visits than hawke's family does, especially after one of her twins declares at dinner during a visit that she wants to be a pirate queen when she grows up too!
they see all the kids grow up, see the circles dissolved, leliana crowned divine, see the world change, finally, for the better.
they're both a little staggered when they meet the inquisitor for the first time at one point, on invitation to a banquet in skyhold by varric and hawke and leliana, because this tiny redhead dalish elf reminds them both Way Too Much of estel.
zevran later comments on it and leliana's like "i suppose it takes a very particular kind of person to save the world, doesn't it?"
(everyone glances over to where petra is stuffing an entire turkey leg in their mouth, and they stop and go "what" and leliana laughs and is like "nothing". petra is an entire inch and a half shorter than ruivë, and they both share their complexion, hair colour, and eye colour - the same estel had. a very particular kind of person indeed. apparently having strong ties to the dalish helps too, being as the only one of the three of them who wasn't dalish went on to marry one and become sort of an honorary elf more or less to several of the clans at least and to have two elvhen children)
and perhaps most unexpected of all for the both of them, they both live a long time. neither expected to cross much past thirty, if that, but they both somehow manage to grow old together.
