#*zevstel

mir: idk if you're around/available at all but next time you are and i am remind me to tell you about the dear avery zev in the fade idea i just had bc im crying by myself alone in my room and i have to tell someone at some point or i'll die

maddi: TELL ME

let me cry w/ u

mir: ok prerequisite do you know the song dear avery by the decemberists

bc it's a necessary part of this idea i've had it stuck in my head for weeks and i just put it on repeat again and then suddenly had a thought

maddi: No I do not but I can look it up

mir: i'll go reblog it

maddi: #trufriend

mir: ok i reblogged it

secondary prerequisite i don't know if this is how the fade works but i literally don't care

bc i don't know what people feel happens in the afterlife and i like the idea that maybe after you die you become a spirit or at least some part of you can be found in the fade

bc if the fade is where you go in dreams

maddi: I feel u

mir: then it makes sense to me that when you dream you could find some part of what you've lost

like the part of you that dreamed stays in dreaming forever?

esp with elves bc you know that's like

literally what the ancient elves did instead of dying

the endless dream

anyway i was listening to this song and thinking about it and then zevstel bc i'm always lately haha i love to die but anyway

and. some years after their death, zevran still dreams of them, of course. he will always dream of them, from time to time at least, they will always be with him. it's a curse and a comfort both

but he's never sure what it means. just some conjuring of his heart,he figures?

they never speak to him, and though sometimes he can touch them, they seem distant. he guess it makes sense

they're far away and out of reach and even if there's some part of them in the fade or in him that lets him see them, it makes sense he can't really reach out and touch them

but he'd give anything to hear their voice again, even if they didn't really say anything, it would be enough, though that doesn't keep him from thinking what it might be like if he could have their counsel back

their comfort in the dark and the shine that they were, his hope

they made him believe in everything

that the world was a beautiful place and worth fighting for

and that he was worthy of being a part of that and of being loved

and that he could help

that helping was worthwhile and things could be changed, differences could be made, that loving and trying and fighting were not without meaning

it seems cheap to say he'd kill to hear them speak one more time

because he's killed for so much less

and then one night, an anniversary of the day he lost them, of course, the dream is different

he finds himself in unfamiliar territory in his dream

the fade outside his dreaming

it's terrifying and beautiful

soft and glowing and strange

he thinks he might be in some kind of forest, but its not any forest he knows

maddi: [softly] don't

mir: the trees are taller than any he's ever seen and they seem both to sparkle and to absorb light entirely

plants grow at their bases, vines around their trunks, with flowers that make him dizzy to look at too long

a gentle breeze stirs his hair and he only just notices that he's naked but he doesn't mind, because he feels safe, there's nothing else in the woods that can hurt him, the fade is supposed to be full of spirits and this must be the fade, but he hasn't seen a single one this time

he supposes he's not a mage so maybe they're just not interested

he follows a faint path, he instinctually suspects is a halla's foraging trail, through to a clearing

the light is dappled and shining in the glowing mist, the soft, almost golden grass beneath his feet that barely seems to touch his skin

and estel is there

maddi: [whispers] don't

mir: their skin is covered in scars, some he knows, some he doesnt, and their long hair is unbound, spilling over their shoulders, over their breasts, and creators help him it was never that only, it was so much more, but he has missed their body

he doesn't expect words or touch but this is enough, this is everything, peace with them and he swears at least this once its not something he built in his head

and then they reach out their hands to him and he comes to them and reaches out and takes them and oh mythal guard them and keep them here forever please he takes their hands and they take his and he can feel them

speech is hard and he doesn't recognize his own voice when he speaks

he wants to tell them everything, i love you and i've missed you and you were so brave i've tried to be brave too but sometimes its so hard without you

after a moment he realizes he sounds strange to himself because somehow he's speaking elvhen

and it overwhelms him that he has no idea where he is or how he got there or if he can ever get back but he almost hopes he can't

more than almost

and they smile

and draw him close to them and they're so warm how are they so warm

he can feel their lips against the skin of his neck, just below his ear, as they murmur "i've missed you too, ma vhenan"

and he shivers, his entire body just filled with light and why now, he wants to stay forever, but why now, he's glad of it, doesn't want to forget what they feel like in his arms, but how is he supposed to hold anything else once he's remembered them all over again

as if they can hear him thinking, maybe they can, they tell him they have time

they don't understand it all, can't tell him much more, but they fought for this, and he doesn't ask from who because he's somewhat terrified to know

but he knows

his warden would fight a god for the favour to see their beloved again

they spend an eternity together, or a moment, he kisses every scar on their skin, every freckle, they touch each other in every way they can find, talk and don't talk, and they sing to him, songs they learned somewhere far away

songs he doesn't think he can take back with him, even though he wants to

he imagines if leliana could learn these songs

but he doesn't think they could be heard outside the fade

maddi: Mir I'm a mess this is amazing

mir:

after some time immesurable and immaterial passes though

he feels himself growing suddenly tired

and they both know they're being called back

maddi: No

mir: i will always be with you, estel tells him, always, in your heart i am alive, but do not be afraid to love others, please, you taught me to love, do not forget your own lessons

and he smiles and kisses them and tells them he could never

and if there's a part of him that wants to scream at them and beg them why did you do it why did you leave me how could you let me go he knows they didn't and he knows why and he knows. he knows them as he knows himself, maybe more, and he could never hurt him with those things, and they know, they've asked themself all the same, he knows, but it still stings in the back of his throat sometimes

they don't know if they'll ever see each other again, but estel swears they'll keep trying

zevran lays down in their arms in the clearing, warm light bathing them both in gold

and when he wakes in the cold ferelden morning, some of that lingers

he closes his eyes and remembers them, and he can still hear their songs, but he can't sing them, and that's ok

wherever they are, they're ok

they're at peace, maybe it's time he tried to be so too

it's been four years since he lost them. it's time to start moving on

not letting go, never letting go

but to believe in going forward

maddi: MIR IM CRYING

WHY DO U DO THIS

mir: because i love to die

maddi: u love to die and kill me

U r the worst

mir: i cant die alone i cant do it ok

maddi: God ur the worst so much

One day I'll tell u some of my horrible anders/hawke headcanons

Like my demolition lovers one

mir: song inspired headcanons more like (dies)

maddi: EVERY TIME

mir: my hawke/anders stuff is mostly pretty sweet actually bc its all just heron being this wall of support just holding anders up with strong soft hands and never doubting him

and there's bittersweetness obviously but like in the end the tinuvielverse is all the happiest endings for everyone lmao

that wasn't quite intentional but all my ships in that 'verse end in "and then they got gay married and were happy forever"

maddi: My hawke, Lucien, romances anders and everything hurts because their romance is literally the burn fast an bright kind

The happiest ending any of my kids ha is "loses an arm and suffers severe PTSD for the rest of his life with the boyf"

That's aras tho

mir: i mean like tinuviel becomes warden commander and leliana becomes the fuckin divine and frees mages and tinuviel finds a way to put off her calling beyond normal limits out of her pure love and tenacity for leliana and the world like literally she just manages to reject the calling bc of how much she believes the world needs her

and then heron gets anders to safety and refuses to leave him ever and protects him and they eventually adopt kids and raise them somewhere safe

and tintalle. well. becomes keeper and defies anyone to say a word about dorian staying with him

tinuvielverse is literally "everyone is gay and has happy endings"

maddi: God imagine Dorian with a dalish clan what a mess

That's so nice tho

mir: it's a lot less complicated than the estelverse but also much less tragic

and then casperverse is really all over the place??

in estelverse and tinuvielverse everyone is Really Sure of their duty and their passion at their causes and being heroes and all that and like

casperverse is all people who are like "i have no idea how i got here and kind of would like to go home"

maddi: Incredible

mir: selaverse is the least consistent just bc canary is a combo breaker. sela and bellatrix are both "aggressive dark ladies who kick ass hardcore" and then canary is like "i like putting flowers in my beard and having way more intense sex with my gigantic boyfriend than you would assume about me based on that first statement"

maddi: OMFG CANARY

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT FROM A TINY DARLING NAMED CANARY

mir: tiny bear

maddi: I feel like aras would admire the heck out of canary

Like aras is this 19 year old virgin who tries so hard to look cool but is actually a huge fuckin dork

mir: omg i have to get dressed

wow i am being just really exceptionally emotional about dragon game today. i just started crying about estel and zevran. tho. to be fair estel and zevran is really just the most miserable thing in any of my dragon game anything. it's hell and i'm dying

"but mir! u made the choice! you could easily not have that happen!"

yeah but. it affects So Much in my alpha world state. it Has to happen, it's absolutely vital to my personal lore in my alpha world state that estel dies. everything kind of comes from that in some way or another, but... that. doesn't mean that i get any less Extremely Fucked Up about it tho bc it's really miserable and. zev is Alone for too long afterwards

i mean eventually zev gets his own happy ending but it literally is twelve years later that he finally gets his peace and happiness

--

it's like. none of these song specifically really fit estel/zev at all but it's the most profoundly sad da ship i have so that's why i'm thinkin abt it

idk if it makes it worse that they were so happy and zevran both does and doesn't recover the way he does or not. but they were so happy, and yeah they wouldn't have had all that much of a future. assassins and wardens both don't have very long life expectancies. but. there was never hesitation with them. they both knew their days were numbered all along. they lived and loved so strongly while they could

it's just that neither of them expected their time to be up so soon. they were just settling into the idea of building lives together. they were so completely happy & at peace with each other. which. is part of why estel did it. bc they truly felt. they'd always be with him, and estel's choice was between leaving people behind the way they had been left, or by having more people they loved die because of them.

estel chose to die bc they couldn't let anyone else die in their place. never again. not after tamlen. but they've also learned that loss lasts forever, but. it can be eased by other loves. you can learn to love again, your heart continues to beat, and the things left behind when you're the one left behind make you stronger in ways nothing else does. it's all just justification but it's their choice and their conviction never falters

it's sort of. ironic. they are able to die. and leave zevran behind. almost entirely because of how zevran taught them to love so strongly

they know they'll leave scars but that zevran won't ever be alone. he'll understand. and he'll keep them with him. and he'll move on.

he won't ever let them go but he won't let them hold him back. it'll hurt him sometimes, but their ghost will keep him warm, and in the end, they face their death with resolution and think of him. estel's life was short. their lives together in love shorter still. but they were happy, and that never fades, never loses meaning. their love stays when they go, like tamlen's stayed for them, to ease the heart even as it makes it ache

zevran isn't surprised. shocked to lose them, yes, but not at their choice. he understands. a true hero could never belong to just one man.

he'll never fully shake the ache that creeps up in him, mornings waking up after dreams of them like they were never gone, shaken, longing, but he'll never blame them for what they did. he loved them too much to remember them with bitterness. and they changed the world. in the end it doesn't matter all that much that they changed him first, or that they were so much of his world, that they saved him before they saved anyone else, because what they mean and meant to him is different than one they mean to the world, to ferelden, to their people and their other companions left behind, but they're all around him in those different meanings.

he'll never lose them entirely, and he'll never lose their love, knowing they were happy once, that if things were different, in another life maybe, they could have been happy forever. and sometimes that's enough. it has to be. he decides to live life more for the both of them rather than let his own languish and slip away like he had been before he met them. they would have wanted to see them free again. they would have wanted to see him happy.

in memories of touch and whispers, laughter, tears, words exchanged long into the night, the tending of wounds, the heat of battle, and the heat of love, side by side, zevran will keep them alive within him, but more than that, beyond just the bounds of what he can hold he knows that while the intimacy belonged to him alone, that there are pieces of every hero that are never sung, that even so, as he will keep them alive in his heart,

the world will keep them in song forever,