#*estelverse

other shitty roommates in da shitty roommates au: entire da2 team live together obviously. they have a house on campus but like

most of them aren't in college bc my modern "ppl are vaguely college aged" aus aren't college aus bc NOT EVERYONE IS COLLEGE THATS BORING

anders is in college, bethany is, heron is, merrill is? idk if petra is i feel like they just take like. random classes but somehow r still

like. star on campus. everyone wants petra at their parties. petra goes to everyone's parties and wrecks shit but they still love them

petra will literally like. show up with varric and isabela and merrill and like. go into the kitchen, steal a bunch of alcohol, break a lamp

insult the host of the party, get in a small fight in the back yard, and then get invited back the next week. they're a force of nature.

they also bring their dog to parties even tho heron keeps asking them not to bc he's worried about the dog. sometimes heron will go just to

make sure that grendel doesn't get hurt. mostly anders won't go to parties with them but if heron goes sometimes anders will and it's. wow.

[anders standing on a table commandeering a karaoke mic to drunkenly yell at everyone about mage rights] heron's standing by incase he falls

another important part of this au: petra's vine account. petra getting merrill to do blood magic for the vine. terrible

FUCK OK IM. fenris and anders got assigned to be roommates freshman year before fenris dropped out and it was, obviously, a DISASTER

they only managed to not literally kill each other bc like. petra showed up to drop something off from heron for anders and is like "oh hi

fenris what's up" and anders and fenris at the same time are like "YOU KNOW THE HAWKES???" and petra's like oh man THATS your roommate

holy shit that's terrible anders is just like "you don't even go here why are you here" they're like "irrelevant, i'm still laughing at you"

"also i actually do have some stuff my brother gave me to give you for some like?? i don't know actually. why are there so many copies"

anders is just like "he...a ctually did it.... i thought he was joking i was going to try and find time to print them out myself tomorrow.."

fenris is like "so it's some ridiculous activist crap" and anders is like "YES it IS sorry we cant ALL care about NOTHING" petra's like. wow

"heyyyy so anyway great transition heron and varric and me are throwing a party at our place you're both invited it's saturday see you then"

they both attempt to protest that they didn't say they'd go but then stop bc they're still in that "i refuse to agree with you on ANYTHING"

saturday they're both like. fenris is sitting on his bed reading. anders is putting zines together at his desk. fenris is like. so.

are you going to the hawkes' party. anders is like why are you and fenris is like idk free drinks i guess right and anders is like. sure

mir: idk if you're around/available at all but next time you are and i am remind me to tell you about the dear avery zev in the fade idea i just had bc im crying by myself alone in my room and i have to tell someone at some point or i'll die

maddi: TELL ME

let me cry w/ u

mir: ok prerequisite do you know the song dear avery by the decemberists

bc it's a necessary part of this idea i've had it stuck in my head for weeks and i just put it on repeat again and then suddenly had a thought

maddi: No I do not but I can look it up

mir: i'll go reblog it

maddi: #trufriend

mir: ok i reblogged it

secondary prerequisite i don't know if this is how the fade works but i literally don't care

bc i don't know what people feel happens in the afterlife and i like the idea that maybe after you die you become a spirit or at least some part of you can be found in the fade

bc if the fade is where you go in dreams

maddi: I feel u

mir: then it makes sense to me that when you dream you could find some part of what you've lost

like the part of you that dreamed stays in dreaming forever?

esp with elves bc you know that's like

literally what the ancient elves did instead of dying

the endless dream

anyway i was listening to this song and thinking about it and then zevstel bc i'm always lately haha i love to die but anyway

and. some years after their death, zevran still dreams of them, of course. he will always dream of them, from time to time at least, they will always be with him. it's a curse and a comfort both

but he's never sure what it means. just some conjuring of his heart,he figures?

they never speak to him, and though sometimes he can touch them, they seem distant. he guess it makes sense

they're far away and out of reach and even if there's some part of them in the fade or in him that lets him see them, it makes sense he can't really reach out and touch them

but he'd give anything to hear their voice again, even if they didn't really say anything, it would be enough, though that doesn't keep him from thinking what it might be like if he could have their counsel back

their comfort in the dark and the shine that they were, his hope

they made him believe in everything

that the world was a beautiful place and worth fighting for

and that he was worthy of being a part of that and of being loved

and that he could help

that helping was worthwhile and things could be changed, differences could be made, that loving and trying and fighting were not without meaning

it seems cheap to say he'd kill to hear them speak one more time

because he's killed for so much less

and then one night, an anniversary of the day he lost them, of course, the dream is different

he finds himself in unfamiliar territory in his dream

the fade outside his dreaming

it's terrifying and beautiful

soft and glowing and strange

he thinks he might be in some kind of forest, but its not any forest he knows

maddi: [softly] don't

mir: the trees are taller than any he's ever seen and they seem both to sparkle and to absorb light entirely

plants grow at their bases, vines around their trunks, with flowers that make him dizzy to look at too long

a gentle breeze stirs his hair and he only just notices that he's naked but he doesn't mind, because he feels safe, there's nothing else in the woods that can hurt him, the fade is supposed to be full of spirits and this must be the fade, but he hasn't seen a single one this time

he supposes he's not a mage so maybe they're just not interested

he follows a faint path, he instinctually suspects is a halla's foraging trail, through to a clearing

the light is dappled and shining in the glowing mist, the soft, almost golden grass beneath his feet that barely seems to touch his skin

and estel is there

maddi: [whispers] don't

mir: their skin is covered in scars, some he knows, some he doesnt, and their long hair is unbound, spilling over their shoulders, over their breasts, and creators help him it was never that only, it was so much more, but he has missed their body

he doesn't expect words or touch but this is enough, this is everything, peace with them and he swears at least this once its not something he built in his head

and then they reach out their hands to him and he comes to them and reaches out and takes them and oh mythal guard them and keep them here forever please he takes their hands and they take his and he can feel them

speech is hard and he doesn't recognize his own voice when he speaks

he wants to tell them everything, i love you and i've missed you and you were so brave i've tried to be brave too but sometimes its so hard without you

after a moment he realizes he sounds strange to himself because somehow he's speaking elvhen

and it overwhelms him that he has no idea where he is or how he got there or if he can ever get back but he almost hopes he can't

more than almost

and they smile

and draw him close to them and they're so warm how are they so warm

he can feel their lips against the skin of his neck, just below his ear, as they murmur "i've missed you too, ma vhenan"

and he shivers, his entire body just filled with light and why now, he wants to stay forever, but why now, he's glad of it, doesn't want to forget what they feel like in his arms, but how is he supposed to hold anything else once he's remembered them all over again

as if they can hear him thinking, maybe they can, they tell him they have time

they don't understand it all, can't tell him much more, but they fought for this, and he doesn't ask from who because he's somewhat terrified to know

but he knows

his warden would fight a god for the favour to see their beloved again

they spend an eternity together, or a moment, he kisses every scar on their skin, every freckle, they touch each other in every way they can find, talk and don't talk, and they sing to him, songs they learned somewhere far away

songs he doesn't think he can take back with him, even though he wants to

he imagines if leliana could learn these songs

but he doesn't think they could be heard outside the fade

maddi: Mir I'm a mess this is amazing

mir:

after some time immesurable and immaterial passes though

he feels himself growing suddenly tired

and they both know they're being called back

maddi: No

mir: i will always be with you, estel tells him, always, in your heart i am alive, but do not be afraid to love others, please, you taught me to love, do not forget your own lessons

and he smiles and kisses them and tells them he could never

and if there's a part of him that wants to scream at them and beg them why did you do it why did you leave me how could you let me go he knows they didn't and he knows why and he knows. he knows them as he knows himself, maybe more, and he could never hurt him with those things, and they know, they've asked themself all the same, he knows, but it still stings in the back of his throat sometimes

they don't know if they'll ever see each other again, but estel swears they'll keep trying

zevran lays down in their arms in the clearing, warm light bathing them both in gold

and when he wakes in the cold ferelden morning, some of that lingers

he closes his eyes and remembers them, and he can still hear their songs, but he can't sing them, and that's ok

wherever they are, they're ok

they're at peace, maybe it's time he tried to be so too

it's been four years since he lost them. it's time to start moving on

not letting go, never letting go

but to believe in going forward

maddi: MIR IM CRYING

WHY DO U DO THIS

mir: because i love to die

maddi: u love to die and kill me

U r the worst

mir: i cant die alone i cant do it ok

maddi: God ur the worst so much

One day I'll tell u some of my horrible anders/hawke headcanons

Like my demolition lovers one

mir: song inspired headcanons more like (dies)

maddi: EVERY TIME

mir: my hawke/anders stuff is mostly pretty sweet actually bc its all just heron being this wall of support just holding anders up with strong soft hands and never doubting him

and there's bittersweetness obviously but like in the end the tinuvielverse is all the happiest endings for everyone lmao

that wasn't quite intentional but all my ships in that 'verse end in "and then they got gay married and were happy forever"

maddi: My hawke, Lucien, romances anders and everything hurts because their romance is literally the burn fast an bright kind

The happiest ending any of my kids ha is "loses an arm and suffers severe PTSD for the rest of his life with the boyf"

That's aras tho

mir: i mean like tinuviel becomes warden commander and leliana becomes the fuckin divine and frees mages and tinuviel finds a way to put off her calling beyond normal limits out of her pure love and tenacity for leliana and the world like literally she just manages to reject the calling bc of how much she believes the world needs her

and then heron gets anders to safety and refuses to leave him ever and protects him and they eventually adopt kids and raise them somewhere safe

and tintalle. well. becomes keeper and defies anyone to say a word about dorian staying with him

tinuvielverse is literally "everyone is gay and has happy endings"

maddi: God imagine Dorian with a dalish clan what a mess

That's so nice tho

mir: it's a lot less complicated than the estelverse but also much less tragic

and then casperverse is really all over the place??

in estelverse and tinuvielverse everyone is Really Sure of their duty and their passion at their causes and being heroes and all that and like

casperverse is all people who are like "i have no idea how i got here and kind of would like to go home"

maddi: Incredible

mir: selaverse is the least consistent just bc canary is a combo breaker. sela and bellatrix are both "aggressive dark ladies who kick ass hardcore" and then canary is like "i like putting flowers in my beard and having way more intense sex with my gigantic boyfriend than you would assume about me based on that first statement"

maddi: OMFG CANARY

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT FROM A TINY DARLING NAMED CANARY

mir: tiny bear

maddi: I feel like aras would admire the heck out of canary

Like aras is this 19 year old virgin who tries so hard to look cool but is actually a huge fuckin dork

mir: omg i have to get dressed

 got Gay abt josephine/ruivë lmao

thinks abt how when u first talk to josephine she greets you in elvhen but then is like “yeah but that’s about all i know maybe you could teach me more i would like to know more about dalish culture but uh that’s not what we’re here to talk about really” 

ruivë teaching her more words…. and culture stuff….. after they start being A Thing…. josephine going out of her way to find like… old books and little bits of scattered information bc they know how much ruivë cares about their culture and how much dalish pride they have…… gets them like…. a pendant commissioned from an orlesian jeweler that looks like halla antlers bc she finds out that ruivë’s tattoos are a gesture to ghilan’nain…….

one day they’re just laying around josephine’s room or something, josephine’s reading a book and ruivë is reading through some letters or fiddling with some crafting materials or something and they look up and are like hey there’s. a word i want to teach you.

and josephine’s eyes get all lit up like they do at getting to learn new things and at them sharing their culture and opening up and whatever…. and they sit down on the bed with josephine and are just like “ok repeat after me” and then they teach her… how to say…. ma vhenan….. and josephine says it a bunch and is like “alright so what’s vhenan mean then, ma is a possessive article, and the word is part of the word for your society before the imperium, right? elvhenan? so what does it” and then she stops and ruivë’s laughing at her and they’re just like. reaches out and takes josephine’s hand and puts it on their chest and is like “right there. ma vhenan.” and josephine takes like two seconds to recover before teasing about how that was possibly the first time ruivë had managed to be actually romantic and were they taking lessons from someone

just…. thinkin about josephine getting Really Into dalish culture more and more and just really opening up to it and just finding it all really beautiful and fascinating and revelling in exploring it with this strange small elf who has unexpectedly become so important to her…….. 

casimir:

i pretty much always sort of base my characters on their optimal romance based on who i'm going to romance?? like partially take inspiration for them from. that. basically?? maddi:

I DO TOO OMFG

like from the get go aras was gonna be Dorian's bae That is how aras happened

casimir:

and like there's plenty of other contributing factors obviously in no way is anyone sculpted to be The Perfect Partner

maddi:

'Gotta get the tevinter booty - need a boy elf for that' casimir: 

but like. heron was crated to be a cuddly comforting dad type who was extremely pro mage and very protective of family and people he cares about and like predominantly actually pretty anti-violence but has no problem with violent acts for a cause that helps people in the long run

maddi:

But then of course I fell in love with aras and like. His romance is almost a side thought at the moment casimir: 

so heron's character is very big but it was all originated from like. make someone who would be perfect for anders petra i didn't specifically craft this way but after i was developing their character more they turned into like

having always had a fascination with dalish culture and being very spiritually questioning and having turned from what little andrastan faith they once had after ostagar and the sack of lothering bc having gone through all of that they kind of decided that if the maker WAS real that he was a fucking asshole and that they had no interest in serving them maddi: Petra sounds hella

casimir:

they're incredibly caring and very fierce and sort of borderline feral, very unpredictable, very much a trickster kind of person, and bc they grew up with bethany and their father, fiercely protecting one, idolizing the other, they're also pretty strongly pro mage rights they're very open gender and sexualitywise but tend to be attracted predominantly towards women so with their attraction to dalish culture, unconventional views on blood magic and general rule breaking in general, fierce protective streak, and their general type attraction-wise as well as them being my youngest hawke (they're 22) their being absolutely devoted to merrill but also very attracted to and loving with in a somewhat lighter way with isabela was. pretty natural

naia has a bit of a looser moral compass, tending to not be quite as tied down feeling, and though she grew up protecting bethany, she has never felt any real bond with carver and kind of gave up trying years ago, so winding up without bethany and just with carver kind of. knocked a lot of the caring out of her. and she still cares about her friends and her family and generally about mage rights bc she is a mage but she doesn't get involved like the others do

ideally she would like to do her own thing and not get wrapped up in all this champion nonsense really but, much like isabela, she realizes that's not an option, and reluctantly rises to the occassion hence: isabela romance maddi:

You are literally so amazing ok My hawkes can all be summed up as 'snarky fucking loser in love' And tbh I've never romanced Merrill because I read her as aro and having a sexy thing with bela but like. Your Petra is just so perf for Merrill. Your hawkes are all so great casimir:

i love merrill she's my one true love tbh like petra is my canon hawke obvs and i just. i'm. merrill is truly the best love interest we all have our bias and merrill is mine but i just love her so much and her romance is so sweet and so nice and i love her so much and tbh thinking about her in world states where her clan is killed and she's not romanced breaks my fucking heart??? she's so profoundly lonely and romancing her heals a part of her she won't acknowledge is broken that only breaks more if she loses her clan like that like the rest of the companions benefit from their romances for sure but. none of them are lonely like merrill is lonely maddi:

[softly] whoops that is my world state casimir:

and romancing merrill gives her the things she craves the most. she gets a home and a family who love and care for and respect her and stand by her even through decisions that are dangerous or maybe kind of bad and then when things fall apart they stay and they hold her together so she doesn't fall apart too maddi:

Mir ur making me want to romance Merrill now casimir:

when you romance merrill there's all these little details like you can talk to orana at one point after merrill moves in and she talks about merrill asking her to help her try and learn to play piano and like bodahn and sandal are so fond of her because she's so sweet to them and just maddi:

GOSH Like romancing anders hurts but??? I feel like romancing Merrill would be jut as emotional but with JOY???? casimir:

she's such a ray of sunshine tbh like it comes through in everything like when you romance merrill isabela's the only one who says anything nice to you about it and really she mostly says "be good to her she deserves the world" but when you romance anders or fenris merrill at some point comments on both of them looking happier and they're both like "why would u say that" and merrill's like "because it's good and i care about you and i'm happy that you're happy"

and that means so much bc they're SO AWFUL to her but merrill is... used.... to people she loves being terrible to her.... and she still cares so much anyway and she doesn't just let people walk all over her she always fights back but in the end she understands that they're hurting and she loves them anyway even if they treat her like shit maddi:

Literally all I wanted for da2 was a dlc where you can fucking rip the boys a new one for being a dick to Merrill Like it makes me so mad casimir:

she's so unbelievably strong and determined but she's also just so small and so delicate and fragile sometimes that like. anders needs someone to hold him together so he doesn't collapse in on himself, but merrill needs someone to hold her hand and stand next to her, she gets all the strength she needs from just. knowing she isn't alone. maddi:

Especially with anders like??? Just because she's a blood Mage??? ANDERS BABE WHERE IS UR INTERSECTIONALITY???? casimir: 

also fun fact! i'm gay and crying i love merrill so much lmao i'm literally crying right now fucking incredible

but yeah anders and fenris are. really shit to her and it's really unfair

maddi: 

OMG MIR Don't cry gosh (Or do cry I'm not gonna lie I've cried about anders so many times) (And bela) (And fenris)

(And now cole the list goes on)

casimir: 

same tho

anyway

but she's still mostly just sunshine back to them and it? really hurts me tbh?? bc i. know that. i know how that is. i know anders' bitterness and his caring so hard it hurts but. i know merrill's caring and trying so hard anyway even though you know you might lose even more and people don't understand you and the people you love don't love you like you love them and honestly you're so lonely but it. doesn't matter so long as you can do something that helps. and. be there if they ever let themselves need you

doing what you need to do for yourself but. ultimately what she does for herself isn't just for herself. she does what she does alone because no one else will believe in her and stand by her and do it with her but she's doing it for her people it's all always for her people and petra means everything to her bc petra doesn't question it for a moment. she just asks what she needs and where she needs them to be to help her for the first time there's someone who will do everything and anything for merrill instead of her just throwing herself, literally her life force bc that is what blood magic is, to help people

like??? merrill is covered in scars and the emotional scar of how this magic makes her an outcast and feared and treated like absolute shit but she keeps doing it and hurting because she believes so strongly that this is worth fighting for and bleeding herself dry for and dying for this is worth risking her life and more because they've lost so much and while she has turned away from her path as keeper she also really hasn't

it's a keeper's job to remember and that's what she's trying to do. she would've stayed with her clan and kept on as their first if they would have let her keep her mission and stay they've lost so much and she's. willing to give up everything she has to get some of it back maddi:

I have to go to bed BUT I am super into u talking about ur faves ok so JUST KEEP SENDING ME MERRILL STUFF and yeah pls feel free to talk to me whenever because I have NO ONE TO TLK TO ABT MY DRAGON AGE PAIN casimir:

merrill is the most underrated fucking character and it makes me so angry sometimes maddi:

ok so. obviously we all know bioware has brought back characters from the (potential) dead before, like it is entirely possible for your world state to have had cullen, anders, and leliana dead (amongst others) all to have that just tossed out when they show up bc hey they’re important to the plot here but so sorry about how you got them killed before bc turns out they were only MOSTLY dead but we’re never going to talk about that bc it’s just not polite dinner conversation or something

i don’t really bat an eyelash at this tbh ok i’ve been dipping in and out and around marvel/dc comics fandom stuff since i was like twelve i’m used to weird retconning and infinite revivals with increasingly bullshit explanations and side effects and whatever. if your audience likes a character that’s dead and you have use for them or somewhere to put them in that works, you bring them back. death is permanent in real life, but it doesn’t have to be in fiction, and honestly the way comics (dc especially lmao fuck dc that’s a different conversation tho and i’ll cry so we’re not getting into it). anyway. the way that comics work has always been like when someone dies (unless it’s marvel ultimates), they are going to come back at some point. the tragedy is the reactions of all the characters around them, the clamouring to try and fill the hole they leave, and how they eventually come back and how that messes with things again. bruce faking his own death fucks with the batfam’s trust, jason getting tossed in a lazarus pit after feeling like bruce let him die causes him to get a rad new hair style and start murdering people, you know how it goes. but in the meantime, we get to sit around wondering when they’re going to be back, and being sad or just pissed off (coughs damian coughs) that they’re gone. 

those deaths still matter, bc they tend to write good stories around them and actually deal with grief and loss to a certain extent, but there is definitely a certain degree to which comics fans tend to be just like “oh no. he’s dead. again. whatever shall we do. do you suppose it will be four months or just three until we see him again. can’t wait to see how he comes back from this one.” like there’s jokes about how none of us can remember how many times bruce has fucking died at this point bc it’s not actually a joke i have no idea i think it’s six but i’m not sure if that’s counting faked deaths or not. so you see my point

bioware death retcons at least are all of possible deaths. because of player choice (something that obviously comics don’t have unless you’re jason todd lmao literally the worst most miserable event in comics history), depending on what each player does and how they interact with the game and its characters, everyone has a chance to have a whole bunch of characters die or leave or like. never show up in the first place. i’ve heard a surprisingly large number of people say that they completely missed recruiting leliana or sten in origins, and tbh i have had the ability to go look for blackwall for days of actually playing inquisition and still haven’t done it and keep forgetting (i swear i’m gonna go pick him up next time i get to play, even if it does mean i have to assign a 24 hour guard to him to make sure he keeps well away from my wife lmao what a creep)

but for sake of plot, cool characters can be pulled out of the archives and the devs get to go “well you know what, this character is cool and a lot of people liked them and we’re going to use them even though technically they could be dead in some people’s saves, bc it’s more fun to have the continuity of the character existing in the world than the continuity of having every possibly dead character be dead forever bc we give people WAY too many options to kill cool characters that we’ll all totally regret later lmao”

and you know what i’m good with that. i think that’s totally fair bc obviously i think that maybe bioware needs to stop having so many options to frickin kill off cool characters that would be cool to see again jfc stop giving people the options to do shit like give fenris back to danarius what would possess you to ever even supply that option what the hell is wrong with you. but. i digress

so this brings me to what i was originally responding to, which was the idea of having the warden back in da4 as a companion or even as the pc

to which everyone with a living warden presumably went “cool” and to which i responded “not a chance in hell”

out of my four wardens, only one of them is dead, but they are my main warden, my alpha save warden, and their death means a lot and really lastingly affects my headcanons of how my entire world state works. 

having estel sacrifice themself wasn’t a decision i made cheaply, and wasn’t a decision they made cheaply either. all other things aside, there’s just the fact that, by letting them die, i was consciously deciding that in my alpha world state, what i consider to be canon, that ferelden was saved, the blight cured, the archdemon slain, all by a nonbinary dalish warden who a lot of the world would still call a kid (my alpha world state pcs are all really young, petra was the oldest at 22, estel was 19, and ruivë is 17). and that Means Something. think what you will of martyrdom, but it leaves a lasting impression, and in my mind, estel’s sacrifice to end the blight paved the way for people being able to accept ruivë as inquisitor many years later. retcon their death, and you leave the world questioning the validity of those dalish heroes. you give people a reason to discredit them. 

and then there’s the love interest fact. estel dying meant zevran losing them just when he was getting used to having them, and if you think both of those things didn’t change him then you’re ridiculous and wrong. estel dying meant, for all that they were never really together, that leliana internalized this idea that everyone she loves will eventually die because of her, more or less. estel’s sacrifice is what makes alistair feel deeply selfish and childish for being so petulant about their influencing him to marry anora, which ultimately, along with zevran reminding him at one point that he hadn’t exactly met his love on the best terms either, leads to alistair letting himself open up to the idea of actually loving anora and not resenting her and distancing himself on principle. losing his best friend, and watching one of his other friends lose the love of his life, has a huge impact on alistair as a person, as a ruler, and as a lover.

AND THEN THERE’S MERRILL!!! estel dying doesnt just affect race relations in thedas wrt how people think kabout the dalish, the future of their companions, and the future of ferelden in general (and the rest of thedas), but it also specifically affects merrill, and therefore has a huge secondary impact on petra, because they romanced merril, and merrill still partially blames themself for what happened to estel and tamlen, or at the very least, is haunted by it, and driven towards her goal with the eluvian because of it.

also estel’s death also doubly affects isabela, bc isabela winds up having been a third in estel and zevran’s relationship and then going on to be a third in merrill and petra’s before she finally leaves and reunites with zevran. 

and you can toss all that out by saying this is all my headcanon mostly and therefore it’s not particularly consequential and that bringing back the warden in whatever way would be cool and fun for people and that my headcanon doesn’t matter in comparison to what is actually canon or what the majority of people experience or want and like whatever ok

but bringing back the warden because their death is such a big deal if it does happen means either somehow the rules conveniently are changed and you don’t actually have to have someone give themself up killing the archdemon, turns out the wardens have been dying for no reason like that for centuries haha our bad, so basically they never died!!!, or they came back somehow?

and while the latter could be interesting if you come up with a Really Good Reason, but would mostly just feel cheap and suck no matter what probably, the former is just fucked on a number of levels

not even to go into the whole “haha the wardens are actually wrong and useless” idea of it, but like

i don’t fucking think a warden who sacrificed themself to end the blight would be the kind of person who would have then spent the next ten plus years in hiding pretending to be dead when they’re not really

if estel had had a single breath left in their body, they would have used it getting as close to back in zev’s arms as possible

which leaves the only possibility really being that if they somehow lived or were brought back then they would have to just not have their memory intact or their free will intact an those are both horrible options

the only thing i can think of that would hurt zevran more than losing them is to have this terrible diluted version of them back so long after he had finally found a way to live again and accept that loving them changed him but they’d want him to be happy so he’d have to find a way. so he had.

and bringing them back with pieces of themself missing would just be horrific

whereas bringing them back entirely with some bs explanation for where they’ve been or having conveniently had them pop out of some kind of rift or some shit after all this time like nothing happened would be cheap as hell 

either way, as much as i would love for all my loves to be happy and safe forever, there’s a reason estel died, and there’s always a weight to heavy choices and there’s nothing that wrecks a good story like handwaiving the results of those choices and just going “well sorry about all this loss and the ripple effect of your choices, but the thing is we just don’t care about your choices and that effect is meaningless, but aren’t you excited to have your warden back???” or something would just be. terrible

i liked how the warden came back in inquisition for people whose warden lived. i liked what i’ve seen of how the different responses go. the difference between a dalish warden commander’s letter and a cousland who married alistair’s letter is really interesting

it’s just. in my world, in my version of things, there isn’t a letter. there can’t be. and that’s how that world works.

ruivë begs for more stories about estel from leliana because the story of a dalish warden overcoming everything starting from even less than ruivë starts from gives them hope that they’ll be able to have the strength and cunning and integrity and the loyalty of their companions to be able to overcome what they’re up against, and to be able to make hard decisions and retain their, for lack of a better word, humanity, through it all

i love my warden, and there isn’t a place in all my headcanon and lore about the way my canon world works that they haven’t touched in some way

and that all kind of crumbles if it turns out they’re still alive, or it warps if it turns out they’re brought back

i guess because in the end it was their choice that resulted in their death. they weighed their options and they did what they felt they had to and what was right, rather than letting anyone else get hurt or make those hard choices on their behalf

whereas all the other choices you can make that result in people dying who later had their deaths retconned are. well. not their choice. it’s not really the same thing at all to let a side character die and then surprise they’re a main character in the next game or whatever

it’s totally reasonable to think even that it’s possible that you only thought they were killed, and they later recovered

a warden who sacrifices themself isn’t like that

my lavellan inquisitors are actually siblings it’s just like. different timelines where one wound up at the conclave rather than the other… i really hope that there’s not like a later thing i haven’t heard about where you get a lot more details about the inquisitor’s family and past bc i have so much headcanon i don’t know what i’ll do with myself if there’s actual canon that totally messes with a ll this…. my kids….

either way, tintallë was the one who was actually supposed to go, aka he is who the clan ACTUALLY sent, bc he is both older and generally a bit more levelheaded about things than ruivë is, and like. he’s the first to their keeper and all that i mean he’s a very good choice of spy/diplomat, he has like, tact and subtly where ruivë mostly has inexplicable charm and dumb luck

in the case of ruivë being inquisitor, it is bc either way they convince him to let them tag along bc they haven’t gotten much chance to like interact with humans and see the world and stuff bc they are literally like. ruivë got their vallaslin earlier that year they are literally only just barely not a kid in the eyes of their people. they are like. seventeen years old they are completely not cut out to be in charge of anything 

but anyway, ruivë convinces their brother to let them tag along and he’s like “sure fine just don’t cause any trouble” and then of course. they do. or rather, in the timeline where tintallë becomes inquisitor the way it should have happened, he successfully convinces ruivë to stay at camp while he goes to the conclave so they won’t get themself into any sort of weird trouble

either way they both survive the conclave tho but think the other didn’t at first and don’t get a chance to find out bc suddenly one of them is inquisitor and can’t do anything about the rest of it until later

if ruivë becomes the inquisitor, then they are at the conclave bc they Really wanted to go and tintallë wouldn’t hear about it and they’re like “fuck this i’m tired of everyone treating me like a kid” and they slip a sleeping draught into their brother’s soup the night before so that he’ll just sleep through the whole thing

so in that timeline, tintallë wakes up, figures out what ruivë did, finds out what happened, and heads back to clan lavellan heartbroken and feeling very off and guilty and unsure of how to tell his clan and their parents that not only did he let his little sibling come with him, completely disobeying the clan’s decision in the matter, but he then did not attend the conclave and wound up letting them die on his watch

he spends time sort of wandering in the hinterlands on the long trek home and meditating on things and reaching out to spirits he senses and trying to figure stuff out and then he winds up in a tavern somewhere and finally catches wind of the inquisition and its unlikely leader, a tiny redheaded dalish archer who is managing relatively well despite being absolutely none of the things anyone wants them to be or expects them to be and tintallë is like “are you kidding me” like he’s hugely relieved that they’re alive obviously but he’s also like i can’t believe this i can’t believe i’ve spent a month wandering in the hinterlands not talking to anyone so i could try and find answers in the woods and in myself and in the beyond for why things transpired to keep me alive but let them die like this and not only are they not dead but they are also going around causing trouble, saving the world, and yelling “the maker isn’t real” at everyone who tries to call them the herald of andraste like of fucking course this would happen

ruivë spends the whole first part being like this is my fault this is terrifying what am i doing i’m not cut out for this tintallë would be so much better at this than i am he should have been there not me what the fuck am i doing holy shit what is that where is my brother i absolutely cannot believe he died but what if he died how will i know when will i know if he’s okay where is he can he come pick me up and take me home now this wasn’t the plan at all i have NO IDEA HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING IM GOING TO CRASH 

finally, several months later, they get word back that one of their agents spoke to clan lavellan’s first directly on a mission and ruivë freezes and is like WHERE IS THE AGENT ARE THEY HERE ARE THEY IN HAVEN WHERE ARE THEY SEND THEM TO THE WAR COUNCIL RIGHT NOW I NEED TO SPEAK WITH THEM RIGHT NOW and they’re all just like ??? and josephine’s like “OH. YES. LELIANA PLEASE GO GET YOUR AGENT IN HERE” and leliana’s like “ok sure” and cullen makes some sort of disgruntled noise while cass looks around for an explanation that is not there

the agent is brought in a minute later and ruivë is like YOU SPOKE TO THE FIRST OF CLAN LAVELLAN. THE FIRST TO THE KEEPER OF MY CLAN. TELL ME WHAT YOU TALKED ABOUT HOW. THEY LOOKED. DID YOU FIND OUT THEIR NAME

the agent is just like “uh. yes. um. your. uh. your heraldness. um. he looked fine? dalish? white hair, but kinda curly like yours is, bit taller than you but not much, is this really what you want to know about the mission” and ruivë like almost starts crying and then they’re just like “that shit lord i can’t believe he didn’t think to send me so much as a dream letting me know he was okay” and cass is like “is anybody going to fill me in on what’s going on here” and josephine smiles and is like “the first of clan lavellan’s keeper is our dear inquisitor’s older brother. they were both supposed to be in attendance at the conclave, but… circumstances kept tintallë at their camp. this is the first news we have had that made it clear he has made it home safely”

in the other version of events, things are more or less the same except ruivë finds out that tintallë is inquisitor a lot faster bc they do not do the “wander alone in the hinterlands seeking guidance” thing bc they are not a thoughtful magely type by any means and when they find out they turn around and head for haven to surprise him in his sleep (aka almost give him a bloody heart attack) by finding where they are and sneaking into his quarters and just showing up, subsequently teasing him about how he just can’t help but take on more responsibilities and making some like “what are you now, keeper of the inquisition? keeper of thedas?” and he’s like “i’m not keeper of anything yet i’m still the first there’s just some complications going on and why are you here i was asleep i. i’m so glad you’re here this is so much to deal with and i was terrified i thought you were dead i kept searching for you in the fade but there’s so much going on out there now since the breach and with this. weird stuff. going on with me. that i just couldn’t follow any of the old paths to get to you the way i used to i’m so sorry please tell dad and the keeper and everyone i’m ok ok you have to go back to the clan and tell them i’m ok and i’m sorry and that you’re alive and i promise i’ll come home when i can i love you ok but like fen’harel’s great furry ass don’t sneak up on me when i’m in bed like that how many times do i have to tell you not to do that” and ruivë’s like “at least one more time B)”

tintallë just rolls his eyes and wishes he could ask them to stay bc he’s kind of lonely and lost feeling really but a keeper is trained to be strong and do what they must to protect their people and this is a weird way to have to do that but it’s what the gods meant for him to do clearly bc like andraste my ass he knows that isn’t who gave him this power but dang is he looking to try and figure out who DID bc the gods aren’t supposed to be able to reach thedas really either??? he has so many questions that he can’t get answers to especially bc solas drives him nuts a lot of the time bc it’s like. yeah hi i’m the first to a dalish clan you can stop shit talking the dalish any time now you’re not better than us ya flat eared shit i don’t care if you’re a fadewalker dude you’re not actually all that special or different you only had to help me bc i was disoriented in an explosion ok i probably have some idea of what’s going on like a little bit or i could but not really any less than you do dude come on

their mum is a hunter and their da tends the clan’s halla but is also kind of a hedge mage? like he’s a mage but like. really lowkey and he’s not super trained bc their clan had a few magically gifted kids his age and he was never the most promising candidate for keeper esp bc he just doesn’t have all that much active magical power (and he just really doesn’t have the organizational mind or leadership skills for it, though he does have a reasonable amount of charisma, a very good memory for lore, and a lot of passion for it all, which like. he would’ve been a much better hahren, if anything, and he actually does do a lot of storytelling and is really good friends with the clan’s hahren and like is kind of considered hahren “second” almost bc he’s like not officially being trained and never was or will be bc him and the current hahren are around the same age, he’s like, maybe seven or eight years younger, but he’s the second best storyteller by general agreement, more or less)

i came up with him being a mage before i knew abt the three mages rule for dalish clans so i just. i figure he’s lowkey and important to the village and no one finds him at all a threat and clan lavellan is bigger and more open and has more mages naturally occurring in their bloodlines or smth so like they have five mages but tintallë and ruivë’s da and one of the others are just like really benign mages who’ve been around forever and like the other one was the keeper’s second for a while but she backed down when she had a kid was a mage so she could keep her kid?? so like her and their da are allowed to stick around bc they’ve been there their entire lives and nothing has ever run amiss of either of them so. the clan trusts them and feels safer, even, with them, bc they have a lot of knowledge between the two of them

also the keeper is their great aunt on their mother’s side so with magic on both sides it was kind of like inevitable that one of them would inherit it and everyone was actually quite worried what would have to happen if the second child was born a mage too bc that would mean six mages and one unproven and they would have been forced to give them up to another clan and no one wanted that so it was lucky that ruivë came out a magicless disaster

wow i am being just really exceptionally emotional about dragon game today. i just started crying about estel and zevran. tho. to be fair estel and zevran is really just the most miserable thing in any of my dragon game anything. it's hell and i'm dying

"but mir! u made the choice! you could easily not have that happen!"

yeah but. it affects So Much in my alpha world state. it Has to happen, it's absolutely vital to my personal lore in my alpha world state that estel dies. everything kind of comes from that in some way or another, but... that. doesn't mean that i get any less Extremely Fucked Up about it tho bc it's really miserable and. zev is Alone for too long afterwards

i mean eventually zev gets his own happy ending but it literally is twelve years later that he finally gets his peace and happiness

--

it's like. none of these song specifically really fit estel/zev at all but it's the most profoundly sad da ship i have so that's why i'm thinkin abt it

idk if it makes it worse that they were so happy and zevran both does and doesn't recover the way he does or not. but they were so happy, and yeah they wouldn't have had all that much of a future. assassins and wardens both don't have very long life expectancies. but. there was never hesitation with them. they both knew their days were numbered all along. they lived and loved so strongly while they could

it's just that neither of them expected their time to be up so soon. they were just settling into the idea of building lives together. they were so completely happy & at peace with each other. which. is part of why estel did it. bc they truly felt. they'd always be with him, and estel's choice was between leaving people behind the way they had been left, or by having more people they loved die because of them.

estel chose to die bc they couldn't let anyone else die in their place. never again. not after tamlen. but they've also learned that loss lasts forever, but. it can be eased by other loves. you can learn to love again, your heart continues to beat, and the things left behind when you're the one left behind make you stronger in ways nothing else does. it's all just justification but it's their choice and their conviction never falters

it's sort of. ironic. they are able to die. and leave zevran behind. almost entirely because of how zevran taught them to love so strongly

they know they'll leave scars but that zevran won't ever be alone. he'll understand. and he'll keep them with him. and he'll move on.

he won't ever let them go but he won't let them hold him back. it'll hurt him sometimes, but their ghost will keep him warm, and in the end, they face their death with resolution and think of him. estel's life was short. their lives together in love shorter still. but they were happy, and that never fades, never loses meaning. their love stays when they go, like tamlen's stayed for them, to ease the heart even as it makes it ache

zevran isn't surprised. shocked to lose them, yes, but not at their choice. he understands. a true hero could never belong to just one man.

he'll never fully shake the ache that creeps up in him, mornings waking up after dreams of them like they were never gone, shaken, longing, but he'll never blame them for what they did. he loved them too much to remember them with bitterness. and they changed the world. in the end it doesn't matter all that much that they changed him first, or that they were so much of his world, that they saved him before they saved anyone else, because what they mean and meant to him is different than one they mean to the world, to ferelden, to their people and their other companions left behind, but they're all around him in those different meanings.

he'll never lose them entirely, and he'll never lose their love, knowing they were happy once, that if things were different, in another life maybe, they could have been happy forever. and sometimes that's enough. it has to be. he decides to live life more for the both of them rather than let his own languish and slip away like he had been before he met them. they would have wanted to see them free again. they would have wanted to see him happy.

in memories of touch and whispers, laughter, tears, words exchanged long into the night, the tending of wounds, the heat of battle, and the heat of love, side by side, zevran will keep them alive within him, but more than that, beyond just the bounds of what he can hold he knows that while the intimacy belonged to him alone, that there are pieces of every hero that are never sung, that even so, as he will keep them alive in his heart,

the world will keep them in song forever,