also petra, but like, that's a given for me, still, mostly merrill
also there's a bit about naia and naia/isabela at the top there and a brief heron mention and a bit abt maddi's aras who i also love
casimir:
i pretty much always sort of base my characters on their optimal romance based on who i'm going to romance??
like partially take inspiration for them from. that. basically??
maddi:
I DO TOO OMFG
like from the get go aras was gonna be Dorian's bae
That is how aras happened
casimir:
and like there's plenty of other contributing factors obviously in no way is anyone sculpted to be The Perfect Partner
maddi:
'Gotta get the tevinter booty - need a boy elf for that'
casimir:Â
but like. heron was crated to be a cuddly comforting dad type who was extremely pro mage and very protective of family and people he cares about and like predominantly actually pretty anti-violence but has no problem with violent acts for a cause that helps people in the long run
maddi:
But then of course I fell in love with aras and like. His romance is almost a side thought at the moment
casimir:Â
so heron's character is very big but it was all originated from like. make someone who would be perfect for anders
petra i didn't specifically craft this way but after i was developing their character more they turned into like
having always had a fascination with dalish culture and being very spiritually questioning and having turned from what little andrastan faith they once had after ostagar and the sack of lothering
bc having gone through all of that they kind of decided that if the maker WAS real that he was a fucking asshole and that they had no interest in serving them
maddi:
Petra sounds hella
casimir:
they're incredibly caring and very fierce and sort of borderline feral, very unpredictable, very much a trickster kind of person, and bc they grew up with bethany and their father, fiercely protecting one, idolizing the other, they're also pretty strongly pro mage rights
they're very open gender and sexualitywise but tend to be attracted predominantly towards women
so with their attraction to dalish culture, unconventional views on blood magic and general rule breaking in general, fierce protective streak, and their general type attraction-wise
as well as them being my youngest hawke (they're 22)
their being absolutely devoted to merrill but also very attracted to and loving with in a somewhat lighter way with isabela was. pretty natural
naia has a bit of a looser moral compass, tending to not be quite as tied down feeling, and though she grew up protecting bethany, she has never felt any real bond with carver and kind of gave up trying years ago, so winding up without bethany and just with carver kind of. knocked a lot of the caring out of her. and she still cares about her friends and her family and generally about mage rights bc she is a mage but she doesn't get involved like the others do
ideally she would like to do her own thing and not get wrapped up in all this champion nonsense really
but, much like isabela, she realizes that's not an option, and reluctantly rises to the occassion
hence: isabela romance
maddi:
You are literally so amazing ok
My hawkes can all be summed up as 'snarky fucking loser in love'
And tbh I've never romanced Merrill because I read her as aro and having a sexy thing with bela but like. Your Petra is just so perf for Merrill.
Your hawkes are all so great
casimir:
i love merrill she's my one true love tbh like
petra is my canon hawke obvs and
i just. i'm. merrill is truly the best love interest we all have our bias and merrill is mine but i just love her so much and her romance is so sweet and so nice and i love her so much
and tbh thinking about her in world states where her clan is killed and she's not romanced breaks my fucking heart??? she's so profoundly lonely and romancing her heals a part of her she won't acknowledge is broken that only breaks more if she loses her clan like that
like the rest of the companions benefit from their romances for sure but. none of them are lonely like merrill is lonely
maddi:
[softly] whoops that is my world state
casimir:
and romancing merrill gives her the things she craves the most. she gets a home and a family who love and care for and respect her and stand by her even through decisions that are dangerous or maybe kind of bad
and then when things fall apart they stay and they hold her together so she doesn't fall apart too
maddi:
Mir ur making me want to romance Merrill now
casimir:
when you romance merrill there's all these little details like you can talk to orana at one point after merrill moves in and she talks about merrill asking her to help her try and learn to play piano and like bodahn and sandal are so fond of her because she's so sweet to them and just
maddi:
GOSH
Like romancing anders hurts but??? I feel like romancing Merrill would be jut as emotional but with JOY????
casimir:
she's such a ray of sunshine tbh like it comes through in everything like when you romance merrill isabela's the only one who says anything nice to you about it and really she mostly says "be good to her she deserves the world" but when you romance anders or fenris merrill at some point comments on both of them looking happier and they're both like "why would u say that" and merrill's like "because it's good and i care about you and i'm happy that you're happy"
and that means so much bc they're SO AWFUL to her
but merrill is... used.... to people she loves being terrible to her.... and she still cares so much anyway
and she doesn't just let people walk all over her she always fights back but in the end she understands that they're hurting and she loves them anyway even if they treat her like shit
maddi:
Literally all I wanted for da2 was a dlc where you can fucking rip the boys a new one for being a dick to Merrill
Like it makes me so mad
casimir:
she's so unbelievably strong and determined but she's also just so small and so delicate and fragile sometimes that like. anders needs someone to hold him together so he doesn't collapse in on himself, but merrill needs someone to hold her hand and stand next to her, she gets all the strength she needs from just. knowing she isn't alone.
maddi:
Especially with anders like??? Just because she's a blood Mage??? ANDERS BABE WHERE IS UR INTERSECTIONALITY????
casimir:Â
also fun fact! i'm gay and crying i love merrill so much lmao i'm literally crying right now
fucking incredible
but yeah anders and fenris are. really shit to her and it's really unfair
maddi:Â
OMG MIR
Don't cry gosh
(Or do cry I'm not gonna lie I've cried about anders so many times)
(And bela)
(And fenris)
(And now cole the list goes on)
casimir:Â
same tho
anyway
but she's still mostly just sunshine back to them and it? really hurts me tbh?? bc i. know that. i know how that is. i know anders' bitterness and his caring so hard it hurts but. i know merrill's caring and trying so hard anyway even though you know you might lose even more and people don't understand you and the people you love don't love you like you love them and honestly you're so lonely but it. doesn't matter so long as you can do something that helps. and. be there if they ever let themselves need you
doing what you need to do for yourself but. ultimately what she does for herself isn't just for herself. she does what she does alone because no one else will believe in her and stand by her and do it with her but she's doing it for her people it's all always for her people
and petra means everything to her bc petra doesn't question it for a moment. she just asks what she needs and where she needs them to be to help her
for the first time there's someone who will do everything and anything for merrill instead of her just throwing herself, literally her life force bc that is what blood magic is, to help people
like??? merrill is covered in scars and the emotional scar of how this magic makes her an outcast and feared and treated like absolute shit but she keeps doing it and hurting because she believes so strongly that this is worth fighting for and bleeding herself dry for and dying for this is worth risking her life and more because they've lost so much and while she has turned away from her path as keeper she also really hasn't
it's a keeper's job to remember and that's what she's trying to do. she would've stayed with her clan and kept on as their first if they would have let her keep her mission and stay
they've lost so much and she's. willing to give up everything she has to get some of it back
maddi:
I have to go to bed BUT I am super into u talking about ur faves ok so JUST KEEP SENDING ME MERRILL STUFF and yeah pls feel free to talk to me whenever because I have NO ONE TO TLK TO ABT MY DRAGON AGE PAIN
casimir:
merrill is the most underrated fucking character and it makes me so angry sometimes
maddi:
Merrill is so important gosh
casimir:
i was gonna talk to u about lavellans but then this happened and i'm such a wreck lmao
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literally this is like a crash course (it's... abridged... no kids mentions.... not involving my revised thoughts on anders' calling.... lmao....) on post da2 headcanon for petra and alpha world state in general but esp petra and their companions and relationships it's hella long u have been warned and also predictably includes some Big Sad
also ft weird dwarf marriage so that's nice, but. buckle up.
well if you're asking about my hawkes after. well. i can tell you.
petra stays with everyone longer than the rest of them. petra has always been isolated, because of bethany mostly, keeping her safe. petra had never loved anyone like they loved bethany until they came to kirkwall, would do anything for her. bethany blaming them for the deep roads fucked them up? (i've retconned my actual game choice on this one bc in petra's save bethany went to the circle but i hate that so. yeah.)
bc petra blames themself too, hardcore. petra did everything, everything everything everything, their entire life, for bethany, to keep her safe. but then she's gone and she's going to die, someday, not today because of anders thank god for anders, but someday, too soon. before they die. grey warden life expectancy and all that. and they never stop beating themself up over it. they're not a very grim person, but they're a loyal one, and they don't let go. losing bethany hardens them a lot, but it also just sets that loyalty on fire.
so when it's all over, they hold on to everyone as hard as they can.
they lose aveline first, of course, because the rest of them have to get out, and aveline has to stay. and it kills them both a little bit because they're so important to each other, because aveline owes her life, and everything in it more or less, to petra in some way or another, and because petra has always been a strange little bit in love with aveline in the kind of way where they were just happy to be there for her, to be around her, and now they can't do that, and even though they have merrill and isabela and varric and everyone, it still hurts, and the hurt stings and lasts, largely because they know it's the beginning of the end. and they're going to lose the rest of them someday, too soon, one way or another.
fenris goes next. anders tries to be the first to leave, but petra won't let him. fenris can fend for himself, so when he slips away from camp without leaving a note to say where he's going, petra lets him, even though they see him go. they don't get up to tell him. they hope he knows they were watching anyway. and that they'll see each other again.
when the rest of them wake up, everyone sort of wanders around useless and aimless the rest of the day. merrill cries - she's scared for him, she says, and angry. he left to keep the rest of them safe, but that's stupid, she knows that's why he left, because he felt like somehow everyone was in less danger with him gone, and like they didn't need him, but how could he think that? anders doesn't want to show that his heart is echoing that sentiment. he snaps back at her, some sarcastic comment that doesn't have any real fire to back it up, something about wondering why she'd still want him around when he was so terrible to her.
she smiles back at him, tells him simply, the same reason she doesn't want him gone - it doesn't matter how your family hurts you sometimes, they're still your family. he doesn't know how to react. no one's ever wanted him to be their family before, and here's this girl he's been absolutely horrific to most of the time, telling him she cares? that she wants him there?
they're idiots, fenris and anders, of course. merrill straightens up and looks around, checks to see if fenris left anything. she smiles and tells the camp he brought his books with him. she'd been helping him learn to read.
despite it all, anders goes next. despite them all trying to protect him, keep him secret, keep him safe. despite merrill's proclaiming them all a family, despite petra begging him not to go, please, we need you, not you need us, they never say that, but anders feels that in their words, and that's why he doesn't stay. it's been months, on the road, never in one place long, cloaks with hoods that cover your face, fake names, no distinguishing features. they're whispers in the night and ghosts on the wind, untraceable.
anders plans his leave. he plans carefully. and if petra suspects, they don't say anything.
they decide to go back to ferelden. there's nowhere safe in the free marches, and most of them know the area. too well. too well.
anders procures a map, for old times sake he jokes, they head for the anderfels. it's spring. the snows won't be too deep.
they go into the foothills together. but anders doesn't come back down with them.
petra asks merrill to help them pray - they've never been andrastian, but merrill has gods of her own, maybe they can help. please, he knows this place, please don't let him get hurt, please don't let this be the last time i see him alive, please.
bethany, of course, was never with them to begin with. she has the wardens. she's safe, enough, sort of. safer than wandering with her fugitive sibling, anyway.
summer comes, and isabela tells petra she can't stay. they can't help it, they know they shouldn't, but they can't help but demand to know how she could do that, not now, please, don't do this, don't leave me, not you too, and how could you break merrill's heart like you know this will?
they fight after that. but isabela stays, and petra doesn't tell merrill that she almost didn't.
they go back to the free marches, not too close, but varric is homesick, even with the chaos, even though petra (wearing a disguise, of course, they'd be mad to enter the city without one) can see that it weighs heavy on him. this is his city, even more than it's theirs', and he was happy here, but he's lost so much. as fate would have it, bastard that fate can be, it's where he loses hawke too - cassandra hears wind he's in town, and apprehends him. he manages to send word, some breath of what happened, to petra, telling them to get the hell out of town, take merrill and isabela and just leave, don't worry about him, they'll be together again soon, meet me at the hanged man at midnight, it's the last time i'll be able to see you and i'm not sure for how long. after that you have to go.
so petra's there, ten minutes to midnight, scared and red eyed from not letting themself cry and not being able to sleep. they go alone, despite protests. they won't risk losing anyone else, and varric told them to come alone anyway, so they did. he sends apologies to merrill and isabela, but if they're going to be apart for maker knows how long, he has something to say first.
and that's when my weird headcanon about qp dwarf marriage comes into play, idk if you've heard about that, but i have this idea i came up with that dwarves have different kinds of marriage ideas than humans do, based on dwarf culture and values - dwarves can marry for love, yeah, and to have families, but there are other kinds of unions that are for different kinds of bonds. there's a kind of "marriage" for business partners to bind them together by coin or politics, and there's one for something more than friends, deeper than friends. a love forged in stone, they call it. it's unavoidable, rarer than the more flighty love that comes with romance or sex. it's not something you seek out. it's something that happens, that you find unexpectedly buried in something you already had, like precious stones where you thought a mine yielded only slate. it means something humans don't have words for, so he doesn't know how to say it, but they don't have much time.
hawke's face is hidden under magic and a dark woolen cowl, but varric knows them by their walk when he sees them. he knows them by their figure, how they carry themselves, the way they smile, the callouses on their hands, the place they wear their daggers on their belt and their back. he knows everything and he wants to learn the rest.
so he tells the shortest and hardest to tell story he's ever told, and it's a question in the end.
a rambling mess, full of "oh hell, you know how shit i am with this kind of emotional crap" and "maybe i'm just being an idiot because of this whole 'kidnapped by the seekers' thing, you can leave any time and just wait until i break out or whatever"
but he manages something about never having met anyone like them, well, one close, but not quite, they always know what to say except when they don't and then it's still the right thing, he'd follow them anywhere, wants to, hates that they have to put the story on hold for whatever this crap is, something pretty close to "you complete me" but less gauche, and hawke raises an eyebrow but says nothing until he mutters "shit" and goes silent for a second, looking like he wants something to be said.
"are you asking me to marry you?" they joke, but of course
varric's response is a somewhat nervous laugh. he's never nervous. "actually, yeah? see, here's the thing, you humans don't really have the same sort of stuff we dwarves have, i know, shocking as that may seem to know based on all the striking similarities we share otherwise." he tells them a rough approximation, trying to leave out as much of the mushy parts as possible. it's just not either of their style.
hawke smiles and tells him to shut up, of course i will, shut up, i can't believe you got off being kidnapped to propose weird dwarf marriage you insane beautiful bastard.
varric reaches into his pocket, pulls out two strong but light chains, and what looks like (and is) a bit of some piece that broke off bianca and was replaced that he'd kept around for longer than he'd like to admit considering this was why he'd kept it.
they don't trade rings, you trade these. a chain with something that holds some real part of the other, so if you're parted, you have something of them beyond what you carry in you already. something physical. the chains are from the same metal, the same stone, like you are. hawke rummages in their pockets, embarrassed, cracking jokes, oh but i don't have any bits from my daggers laying around whatever will i do
they wind up with leandra's locket, always in their belt pouch, always always always, a reminder of love and loss, of failure, never again, never losing anyone like that again, and they thread it carefully on the chain, fasten it around varric's neck, can't help but laugh at the dainty thing on him, and let him put the bit of bianca on them.
varric admits he'll probably put it somewhere else. probably sew it into the lining of his coat. safer there, and less silly looking. hawke tucks the bianca pendant into their shirt, and their binding. it gently presses against their skin when their armour shifts. it's comforting.
a crier calls out 2am. they hesitate, bend down, gather up as much of varric as they can, hold him for as long and hard as they can, and varric does the same, they're both so bad with feelings, it's all sarcasm and action, but this is it, who knows how long, don't think about how long, just don't say that, please don't say that, i'll be back with you before you know it, don't tell me where you're going, i'll find you, i'll always find you, that way i can say i didn't know, but hawke tells him to lie, just lie, you call yourself such a good liar just prove it, the world's a big place and i refuse to lose you in it. (not again, please, not again, not you too, they add, but that goes unspoken. he hears it anyway.)
just before he lets them go, varric whispers a few names, places, people, a code word or two, and slips a piece of paper into hawke's hand. where to go, who to talk to, stay invisible, but don't you dare disappear on me. i wouldn't, wouldn't dare, you know that, don't you dare, don't get into any trouble i wouldn't get into, don't do anything too fun without me. (come back to me soon.)
take care of them for me, varric tells them. merrill especially, but isabela too. she thinks she doesn't need you. we were all stupid enough to think that at one point, weren't we? don't let go. i'll be back before you know it.
but isabela does leave. and it does break merrill's heart. but petra knows she'll be okay, because she doesn't leave alone, not like she said she would at first. she doesn't disappear into the night like fenris and anders, doesn't go to spare them something stupid that it doesn't spare them at all.
she goes because she finds the right time, the right opportunity, and petra lets her, because if they don't let her go now with grace, she'll leave later with bitterness, and she won't have anyone to leave with like she does now.
she comes back a few days later, tracks them down for a real goodbye, not the letter on the nightstand in the inn they were staying in for once she left before.
mutters something about zevran making her feel guilty about not kissing merrill goodbye. petra teases them both, what, not guilty about not giving me my goodbye kiss then? and isabela laughs. not remotely, she says, but she doesn't mean it, of course she doesn't.
so petra lets her go. and merrill does too, now she knows she's safe, with someone else who calls her family, someone else who loves her, even if he doesn't quite see how much.
and so it's just the two of them. and merrill, for the first time in their long trip, suggests their next destination.
she hasn't seen that part of the forest in more than ten years, but it still smells like home, and when she dreams, she dreams about the friends she lost there more vividly than she has in years, and she wakes up in tears and petra just holds on to her and doesn't ask too many questions until she's ready to answer them.
merrill wanders, looking for something, finding nothing.
eventually, they move on.
varric gets a letter through to them through sera, of all people, who gives him the address of the friend that works out of denerim, who tracks hawke down, not far from the city. not that sera knows what she's helping with, but varric promises her anything for the help, thanks her three times, and even she raises an eyebrow at that. not that she says anything to anyone about it, but she keeps it in mind, and of course she makes bad jokes that varric shoots down coldly immediately once it turns out that she was helping him bring hawke to skyhold.
merrill finds another dalish clan, isolated, enough that tales of hawke haven't reached them, and they wonder at the company this young mage keeps, and they tell her she can't stay too long - they already have three mages, but she's welcome for now.
it won't be long, hawke promises. i'll be back. stay with them, stay safe, i'll find you, vhenan.
merrill lights up as she always does when they call her that.
she stays. she learns. she lives. in a strange way, she heals a little. her hair's grown much longer, her face is starting to show age. she's got too many scars to hide now. petra trusts her, and that's enough that she trusts herself, and there's no lyrium when you're on the run. you use what you can. to their credit, for what it's worth, the clan she meets doesn't turn her out for it, though she knows they notice.
she asks their hahren for every tale he knows of those who can walk the fade at will, their keeper any spell that can help. they know much, this clan, but it's still barely anything.
still, she touches hawke in their dreams. briefly, softly, but she knows they wake up and they know. they don't remember too clearly, but they know.
it tears hawke apart all over again to leave. stroud wasn't a friend like the others were friends, but he was a friend nonetheless, and he's gone, and they always blame themself, no matter how much varric tells them it's not their fault, and fuck, at least hawke's still here.
they let it go.
and then, they leave. it gets harder, they realize. every time it gets harder. they ask varric for news of the others, and he has some, little bits. isabela is still with zevran, off sailing, finally. she's happy, or happy enough, safe, or safe-ish. fenris and anders are. well, they're both still alive. he can't say much more than that about either one of them.
what about you, hawke? he asks
what about me, i'm right in front of you
and varric cracks a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. it makes him look his age, or more than.
you know what i mean, he says, you always do.
and they do, of course, he's right. i don't know, hawke admits. i don't know how i am. i'm alive. for now, i'm alive and so are you and so is merrill and isabela and fenris and anders and aveline and bethany and i guess that's enough. this will all blow over before we know it, it'll be back to normal, wicked grace and piss whiskey at the hanged man on fridays, anders losing his pants to fenris at dice again, just like always. just you wait and see.
never thought i'd say i wanted to see that again, varric laughs. and he refuses to say goodbye. they hint at it, they both drop words that might go before goodbye, but when hawke leaves, they leave in the middle of a chapter, not at the end of it. to be continued.
(someday, when it all does finally end, or, more or less end, they all find each other again. they find somewhere to call home. a few somewheres, maybe, or somewhere that changes place from time to time. but they don't let go anymore. they don't pretend they don't need anyone.
anders joins in helping merrill teach fenris to read, and in return, fenris helps them both tend a garden. he mentions something about somewhere to put down roots, but only petra knows what he means. isabela and zevran come and go with the wind, aveline stays in kirkwall, bethany's still with the wardens. fenris and anders both leave sometimes, but they always come back, and they get a little less reckless. even merrill leaves from time to time.
but mostly, they stay together.
and of course, the dog stays. the dog stays until he's too old to stand. like he knows the smell after all this time or something like it, he holds out until they reach somewhere just near where lothering used to be. they bury him in their old back yard, or their best guess of where it was.
ten years, fifteen. they slip into a lull, almost a sense of security. if the world hasn't got them yet, maybe they've gotten the best of it.
but the calling comes anyway.
nothing lasts forever.
and someday, they'll all have to say goodbye.
hawke tries not to think about that too much, like they try not to think about how much time bethany has left, or whether it's better to know for sure, rather than to just wonder and not know until they're gone.
merrill says there's a calling for everyone. all we can do is make everything before that matter as much as we can and hurt as little. no one can do more.
they keep going. they don't let go. but they move on.
and after that? after everything? who knows, really.