tacos & sweet tea

I lost my virginity against my will. I don’t like to call it rape because I feel that I put myself in that situation and was naive and young and thought I cared about this person. At the time, I wasn’t even angry. I just knew I tried to stop it and couldn’t and then because I cared about him, I thought that it was ok? I don’t know I don’t even like to think about it.

Anyways, because of that experience and many other situations with men that I cared about and trusted…I feel like that all led me to sometimes disassociate and do things that I sort of felt pressured into. Like I always thought if someone has sex with me that means they love me, right? And then finding out that they don’t really care always hit me hard and it took me forever to learn that lesson. (I’m not really sure that I’ve even 100% learned it yet)

My point is that I have this huge fear of my daughters being…traumatized? Is that the correct word? By boys/men that they trust. Like the thought of them being as naive as I was makes me sick and sad.

What a sad day 😔

I guess it’s really the ones that were fine one minute and gone the next.

I really hate that I can tell what they hear from their dad when they’ve been with him for a few days.

Or maybe I’m just a crazy ass mom. And if that’s the case then so be it but there has to be rules. I feel like I’m a very easy going mom but there’s a limit to how much freedom they can have because they’re still children!! I’m not even asking for them to not go to the places they want to go but just check in with me!! Don’t be out at 11 and I haven’t heard from you. Yes, I have their location but I feel like they still need to at least text me.

I can feel my very unhealthy reaction wanting to come out.

I know these people love me but sometimes I just question their decisions. How come I always feel the need to keep people happy and not disappoint them? Like I genuinely try to think of how other people would feel and I don’t think I get the same consideration. Even when I have expressed how I feel and things don’t change…

Anywho, work was good today. I got to hang out with the babies in NICU. I think I’m getting close to seriously thinking about getting my master’s. Maybe next year when I have two off to college? Everything is just so expensive! But will it ever be the right time? Or do I just need to hope for the best and start?

I’m going to try to stop thinking and read a book. Back to work in the morning.

Yesterday my youngest told me that I’m always doing things and never taking a break even when I’m sick. That kind of hit me in a way I didn’t expect. I don’t want them to remember me that way. I don’t want them to think that’s expected of them. I just feel I have so much on my plate and not anyone to share the load with. I need to work on that though. Show my kids that it’s ok to relax.

I don’t have a New Year’s resolution but maybe it should be to be a better example of taking care of yourself. In so many ways but especially by relaxing. We’ll see how successful I am. It’s going to be tough seeing as how I’m sick and still have been coming home from work and doing stuff around the house. (But it needs to be done! 😩)

And maybe by focusing on taking it easy then I’ll make more time to be here. I miss it but I just can’t focus long enough for some reason.

It's my 17 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

My brother and sister got into a huge argument on thanksgiving. I tried to stay out of it but then I tried to make it end and my brother ended up leaving. I still haven’t talked to him but that’s not unusual. I will not be apologizing and I don’t think my sister should either. We’ll see how Christmas goes. I have to work anyways.

Part of me wants to wait until my kids graduate high school to date. Part of me really misses having a person. I don’t know how I would ever meet someone unless it’s at work (which I am kind of against) or somewhere with my kids. Men never approach me so it’s a nonissue but kind of makes me sad? Ugh. I’ve always been really bad at noticing when someone is flirting with me. I just assume everyone is nice to me because I’m nice to everyone?

Senior band night.

I already have a knot in my throat. I remember bursting into tears at her first parent teacher conference in preschool from how proud I was (and still am) of her.

🥹

My parents are both from Mexico, so when I was in her shoes, they couldn’t really help me because they didn’t really know the way things are here. It didn’t cross my mind at the time that my parents weren’t helpful. I was never even resentful about it. I do think back now, like oh it would’ve been nice to have them to be supportive and encouraging and remind me about stuff. So those are the qualities I try to have as a mother now. Give me kids all the things I didn’t have, right?

Well I reminded my daughter about her senior band night form she needs to fill out soon. There wasn’t a deadline but the event is Friday so I’m assuming they need it asap. I even offered to do it for her. But she tells me to just let her live. She asked if I just want to stress her out? I said no, I’m just trying to help alleviate your stress. She says no and that the only reason it is stressful is because of me 😭😭😭 so I guess I need to back off but I worry that if I back off too much then it’ll also be my fault that I didn’t help or remind her.

I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I recognize that I’m might be being dramatic but I just want to do the right thing and it makes me sad that I’m trying my hardest and it’s the wrong thing. I just want what’s best for her and her future and I feel like I’ve already failed her in so many ways and I’m still somehow fucking it up.

I feel so happy and so sad. I’m not sure which emotion is winning today but I think they’re happy tears.

Get it together, Claudia!!

I ordered the new iPhone weeks ago. Why does everyone else have a new phone except me?

My dad and the ex went to our property this weekend again. I think at this point I have to just get over the fact that my brother and dad don’t care how I feel about it even though I’ve made it clear. It’s mind boggling to me. Also apparently my brother and his kids stayed at his gf’s house?? I just can’t understand them.

I’m ready for cooler weather. It’s still summer here and I’m over it. I really wish I could move somewhere that has actual seasons. Maybe someday.

There’s only a few more weeks of marching season. Competitions are done. Just a few more football games and we can breathe. With it being my oldest’s last season, I don’t want it to end…but also mama is tired! They literally have something going on everyday and when they don’t, I’m working.

My oldest is applying for universities already. I’m so proud of her but it’s so strange watching this happen. She’s so much better than me at her age and I’m so grateful. I can’t wait to see what she does in life.

I have to work Christmas this year but that means I’m off Thanksgiving and new years. I’m ready for Christmas music 😂