mizu ⋆‧°𓏲ּ𝄢

Rape me

Use me

Degrade me

Abuse me

Throw me around

Blow my brains off

Be rough

But you are too kind

And you are too nice

However I am not;

A feral animal

A rabid dog

For my teeth are sharp and my desire is wild

And when I'm excited

I bark and I bite

But don't be scared

Of the growls and the spit

I am just an excited puppy

In the body of a blood-hungry beast

So I'll rape you and use you

Degrade and abuse you

I will tear your heart out with my bare canines

And eat it slowly, to prove that I care

And when time comes

For me to be put down

I will comply

Except for a piercing howl

As the bullet strikes me down

I never meant harm

While I smoke to die

I smoke to smell sick

And ward off the good

I smoke to have rotten teeth

And bite hard

Infest 

I smoke to taste poorly

And poison the one I adore

I smoke to crack my lips 

And dry my skin

So my touch will repulse

I smoke to make my lungs bleed

Just like I do daily

I smoke to open a hole in my throat

A hole you could never fill with all your love

I don’t smoke to enjoy

I smoke to kill

I smoke to destroy

In the end 

My body will grow old

My body will decompose

It will burn and turn to ash

Just like the cigarettes 

I so often smoke

And so I will dispose

Of this earthly burden

Ascend

Just like the cold smoke

Leave it all behind

For I have seen enough

And so I will smoke

Tonight, I had a dream you died

I woke up in a sweat

Suddenly, last night's fight didn't seem so important

And suddenly, there is so much I never got to tell you

And suddenly, I hadn't held you enough

smoke filling my lungs sweet death the best of them all

filter in between my teeth the flame inside of my palm a warm embrace

buzz a soft kiss planted on my cracked lips

a smell so familiar it feels like home

Darling

I cut myself again

Can you clean me up?

Darling

I burned down our house

Can you build it up again?

Darling

I hurt you so badly

My baby boy

Can you heal yourself?

Just like you always do

No shame

Such a burden

I am

You deserve someone better than this

Forgive me

My sweet boy

I am hard to love

And to make things worse

What is wrong with me?

Ever since I was little

I was always the odd one out

Girls would give me ugly looks

Boys wouldn’t give me looks at all

Now I’m grown up

And I’ve changed a bunch

But either way

A creep I remain

No matter how much makeup I wear

Or how push-uppy my bras get

I’m still the odd one out

I still go mute,

squirm in my seat

and bite my cheek

I’m still the weird girl

That speaks funny

And so no one ever invites me

No one talks to me

I am lonely

I am no one 

…

I’m “not like other girls”

University

Dirty place

Miserable faces

“Why did you choose to enroll in this programme?”

…

Why did I?

It is sucking the life out of me

I have lost myself

Who am I?

What do I do in my free time?

When did I last speak with my loved ones?

I don’t know anymore

My heart skips beats

My head pounds hard

I hurt

Sleep? Food? All for the weak

I have rejected my humanity

For a “pass”

This feels like a cage

I am but a poor bird inside

While the rest are outside the bars

Mocking me

Throwing stones at me

“Such a freak, always sitting by herself”

“That was such an easy exam, how could you fail?”

“Miss, you should be more considerate of the deadlines”

“Stop sleeping in!”

Get out of my head

Get me out of this cage

Let me be free

Free me 

Mom and Dad,

If you really love me

Why do you treat me this way?

I am so tired

Of you

And of me as well

The same old arguments

Screaming, spitting, fighting

Swiping, bursting, bleeding

Red 

Drop

Drop

Drop

Why don’t we just get along?

And pull each other further into misery

Drown in it

Suffering must run in our veins

Sorry for disappointing you

I know I’m not the the person I used to be

I’m not the person you were

I’ll never be the person you wanted me to be

But if you gave me one more chance

I promise 

I am scared of eye contact

Which is why I never look in the mirror

There are so many eyes on my body

Open, round

Red

Cold

Bloody 

Rotten

Judging

Eyes

On my arms

Hips

Chest

I can’t escape their gaze

They must be judging me

They hate me

They hate me so much they turn red

Out of fury

Sometimes they pity me

And they shed warm crimson tears for me

Weeping like a widow

Who lost her husband at war

I also lost me, in a war with myself

They are always watching

I hate it

I need this to stop

I hate how they look at me

So I break all the mirrors in my house

Useless

In the process

I cut my skin

And more eyes break through

Peeking at me curiously

Wondering

Dear Juliet,

My bestest of friends

There’s something that I know is wrong

It’s something filthy, unnatural

Something a proper lady like me should not partake in

However

Sometimes it just feels so right

It feels right when my eyes wander to flowy skirts

Soft skin

Delicate features

It especially feels right when I feel your scent on myself

When your touch burns

When your gaze causes a rainforest in my heart

I know it’s wrong 

But why does it feel so right?

When I’m in my room at the dead of night

And only the thought of you can satisfy my body’s longing

It’s wrong

It’s so 

So wrong

I have to stop

You cannot give me what I need

Your touch is hot for it is a thing of hell

You’re a wicked siren

Luring me 

All of you are luring me 

Into the depths of sin

Father forgive me

For I have sinned

…

Dear Juliet,

My bestest of friends

It has been years since we last spoke

High school was such a peculiar time

We were all so young and careless

Now I’m old 

You are old as well

Did you know I am a mother?

My children are sleeping in the room next door

While the love of my life lies next to me

As I’m writing this letter

He’s such a good husband!

He is everything I’ve ever wanted

The right one for me

Tall, blonde, handsome

So caring and considerate

Just like you,

in a way…

I know we don’t talk as much these days

But just know that I still think about you

Often

I am so happy 

I would not have it any other way

I know this is the right path for me

But sometimes

Just sometimes

At the dead of night, when I'm cold and alone

My mind wanders

And I imagine what it would have been like

If I had chosen wrong

Would we get to grow old together?

Would we get to have a small family of our own?

Would your beauty still take my breath away just like it did back in the day?

Would your presence take away the ache I safely stored in the depths of my heart?

Would I still feel guilty

For letting you fill my emptiness?

Alas

The Lord knows it’s too late for what ifs

My only regret is the fact

That I’ll never know

Whether it was right or wrong

To be yours