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trying to figure out if i really am nullrace like i've been iding as, or if i just went with that out of fear because that felt "safer" than being trace. but i truly do feel nullrace at times so maybe it fluctuates for muis?? and then of course being a system on top of that makes everything so much harder... guhhh wei wish these things were easier ;_;
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I just got done with like a theater camp i was doing and I wanna do more shows soon I really like the place im going to rn but jesus christ I just relized how hard its gonna be going back to talking to no one all day everyday.
I dont actually hate people or humans and I thought I knew that but most the time it was more like "well not all people are evil and horrible and their life has value and I can see that "
but no like I genuinely like people I think. This theater group feels like the first time I'm in a place where everyone isn't hoping I suffer or die or think im crazy or weird these people are so nice.
They probably wouldn't even think of as anything im just a guy that they treat like a human but its the frist time I feel like an actual human with worth and its so nice to talk to people who are kind and trustworthy
I dont know. I think this is what it feels like to be human or atleast human like. To be able to have small talk and not get stared at yo eb able to just be like kinda friends or acquaintances. All my life its always felt like I had a few real friends some strangers and everyone else wanted me dead for some reason.
Random people in public or workers or doctors or teachers or peers or anyone will treat me like some strange creature they'll just stare at me when I speak and say rude shit for no reason
But i feel human around these people and its the nicest ive ever felt and its just some random kids in aa theater camp but when im mean to them or directors I actually feel bad and I can have a conversation for once just a normal one. And its so nice
It just feels how human interaction was supposed to be
Is this how normal people feel??? I kinda always assumed "normal" people didn't like ea h other either. Just less obviously
i just realized my bitchy ex friend has tumblr.
HEY RAYLAN IF YOU EVER STUMBLE ACROSS THIS JUST KNOW I HATE YOU AND ALL YOUR BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU.
YEA I'M TALKING TO YOU , INITIALS ARE R.R.W. DEADNAME STARTS WITH A B. SHITTY MOM? YEA I KNOW. RAN TO MY HOUSE ONCE? SA'D ME IN SCIENCE? SAID IT WAS A JOKE AND TWISTED THE SITUATION? YEA YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE LIL BRO DON'T THINK WENT AND FORGOT APRIL 29TH, 2:1O - 3:20 π₯Ή
fog it's like i have nothing good or meaningful to say. fuck this shit genuinely pissing me off now. i just want to contribute but nooooo. i have nothing. and also, i miss out on shit. like a lot. so. i'm stupid. and. well idk wht to say anymore!!!!! sick of it
I find the whole concept of comparing your pain to others really stupid but when my family tries to justify doing something awful to me with something that's like a very mild version of what I have to go through on the daily I get really annoyed
"i deserve to smoke in your room at 11pm even though it makes your eyes burn and gives you headaches and makes your sleep awful and sometimes even chip teeth because i have a stomach ache!!:( you could never understand what I'm going through!!" I'M
I get very severe stomach pains that I've gotten since I was a child and still have undiagnosed or properly treated so I VERY MUCH understand. and with that I very much. don't care! leave me alone!
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I LOATHE whenever i finally get over a paranoid fear I have and then not even two seconds after I think of something that triggers another paranoid fear so im just in a perpetual cycle of fear and its
Ok so this person saw my scars and told the leaders that they were uncomfortable sharing a room with me due to it and all that jazz and that i DONT WAKE THEM UP IN THE MORNING!? mate im not your alarm got forbid I dont go to bed at 7 am, but yeah they left the room a mess I had to clean it up for the next person moving in and they decided to but another trans person in it because said person also wasnt chill abt an ftm in their room ok bra. I feel like this could be illi mcmillin coded but transfem, but I think it could easily be an illi situation (out of headcannons and context)
i'm actually so happy i'm actually feeling better wearing thight tops and croppeds..... ik that's stupid but i've always been insecure about my torso in general because i've always heard that being chubby is ugly and that women with bigger chest are desesperate so it's actually really good to be more free to wear something like that without fearing being talked behind my back
and also wearing skirts is so good!!!!! i feel so good with them but yet i feel kinda weird
