Just trying

Some people are assholes. That's a fact of life whether you're one or many, but it's harder to live with the assholes when they live inside your head. Maybe they hurt your body. Maybe they drive away your friends. Maybe they go on tirades about how awful you are. I could go on- there are a lot of ways to hurt people that you share a brain with, and all of them suck.

Headmates have reasons for hurting people. If they're lashing out at you or the people you care about, then they've got some idea or feeling driving that behavior. There are some common ones:

They're in pain. They're carrying rejected emotions, self-hate, or some other form of suffering and don't have the coping skills or outlets to handle it safely. Lashing out, hurting themselves, or causing other problems might drown out the pain, or it might project it out onto you. They may not even realize the pain they're causing belongs to them if they've buried it deeply enough. They just know that they feel better if they lash out.

They're frustrated and don't have a better way to process or express that.

They're responding to a trauma trigger. Something's happened that's called up the need to fight, flee, or otherwise do whatever it takes to deal with the situation. They might not know that it's a trauma response, or they might know but have no better way to deal with the need to act.

They're hiding something and hurting you is better than that thing being uncovered. Hurting people is a great way to discourage coming any closer to whatever they're hiding- if you poke the brain bear and it bites you, then you're eventually going to stop poking the brain bear.

They're avoiding something. It's easier to be a jerk for a quick rush of power than it is to admit that you feel powerless or alone.

It's also easier to think of yourself as inherently evil, bad, cruel, etc. than it is to admit that other people's decisions to hurt you weren't your fault.

They're bored and nothing else is any fun. They might not have hobbies, jobs to do, or much else to waste a day on. Getting a big reaction out of you is entertaining and free.

You're not going to pay attention to them if they don't hurt you. They might not have a place in your life, or their place might be conditional on doing whatever you want to do instead of what they want to do. If you've tried asking nicely, begging, screaming, manipulating, and whatever else it takes to get heard without any success, but being an asshole works, then you're going to keep being an asshole.

Your life sucks and they know it. The friends they're trying to drive away might be abusing you, codependent, or causing problems. Your family doesn't feel safe to be around. Your job is crushing you. Something has to change and you're not listening, so they've taken matters into their own hands regardless of the consequences. They're trying to help you, though it looks like they're hurting you because you don't have the context.

Someone they care about is being threatened (inside the system or outside), and they're doing whatever it takes to make the threat go away.

They hate themselves and believe that they deserve to be hurt. They might be taking it out on themselves and catching you in the crossfire, or they might be trying to goad you into hating them so that you hurt them and cause the pain that they think they deserve.

There are plenty of other reasons that someone in your system might be hurting you or others. If you can, ask them why they're doing what they're doing. They might tell you, or they might not, but it lets them know that you care what's bugging them. Keep checking on them from time to time, and they might open up more.

Sometimes You're the Asshole

It's easy to blame other people for hurting you, but sometimes they're being reasonable without your realizing it. You might be causing or perpetuating patterns in your system that hurt all of you, yourself included. Changing these patterns is more likely to stop your system from hurting you than almost any other action you could take.

If any of the following situations feel true, then you might want to consider whether your own behavior is contributing to patterns of pain and control in your system.

The others are only allowed to control your body when you give them permission, and they don't like this arrangement.

You know exactly what's wrong with the others and how to fix it, even if they think otherwise.

You are actively trying to kill, drive away, control, or get rid of the others, especially those that you don't like or don't want around.

The others aren't allowed to have friends, hobbies, or experiences for themselves. They're only allowed to hold beliefs that you agree with, and they can only act in ways that you approve of.

You might believe that limiting them is the best decision for your own safety, and it may be, but you don't place equal limits on your own behavior.

All of your spending money is yours. If the others spend any money, they're stealing from you.

You make major life changes that your headmates strongly dislike; their protests aren't important enough to affect the decision.

You regularly sell, donate, or destroy things that your system members bought or made.

Even moreso if you do this to punish them.

You do your best to ignore your headmates or convince them that they don't actually exist. You make a point of tuning them out, pushing them away, or trapping them inside.

The others claim that people in your life are actively hurting them. You maintain the relationships even if given concrete proof that these people are hurting your headmates.

If you see yourself in any of these situations, you're not a bad person. You're doing the best you can with what you've got. But doing these things makes it a lot more likely that your system is going to lash out in your direction, and you might benefit from trying to change your own behavior. Getting along better with your system makes it a lot easier to live your life, and making some space for the others' needs and wants helps with that.

It might be worth asking your system what they think about how you act and really listening to the answers- not blowing up if they're upset, but getting into a position where you can hear out the underlying needs and make a plan to do something about it together.

The Art of Being Nice

If someone in your head is hurting you, then you don't have to put up with their shit, but you also don't get to hurt them back. It's tempting sometimes. It can feel good. It can give you a sense of control or power over them, and it can feel like you're getting payback for what they've done to you. It might even scare them. But hurting them isn't going to make them stop hurting you. It's just going to make them think you deserve it, or it's going to drive them to hurt you worse in hopes you'll leave them alone, or lead them to lash out in hopes of re-establishing their "scary alter street cred". Hurt people hurt people, and attacking them back perpetuates the cycle.

You know what makes the assholes willing to change in the long run? Being nice to them.

I'm serious. Being nice to the asshole works. It can suck for a good while because they're going to keep being an asshole right back for a while, especially if they don't know how to handle people being nice to them, but it's the one thing that can get through to people. Yelling at them or locking them up in your head for hurting you won't fix any of the problems leading them to hurt you in the first place. It just teaches your headmates that they can't trust you to respect them. Being nice eventually rams it through that they can have their needs met without having to fight for it.

The best tool you have for preventing harm is your own support. Offering comfort, redirecting aggression, and working with your headmate instead of against them can be very effective in reducing how much harm they do. You may find that offering support is enough to stop them from causing harm in the first place.

I know it's tempting to yell at them, rant about them to friends, or throw them in brain jail so you won't have to think about them. You might be pissed off, scared, or confused yourself, and that makes it easier to do hurtful things. Try to find outlets for those emotions that have nothing to do with the person hurting you. Draw pictures of what your feelings look like- they don't have to be good. Punch a pillow. Write a note and then burn it. Do what you've got to do, but don't do things that might loop back and hurt them. No one likes to find out that their friends hate them because someone else badmouthed you to them behind your back.

It can be hard to offer aid to someone who's hurt you. Other headmates may be able to step in and give support more comfortably, and it might be worth asking inside whether anyone is willing to do so. If they're not willing to do so, then you may have to find ways to offer help without overwhelming yourself. You might be able to leave resources for them, create tools that they can redirect harm onto (such as a stuffed doll they can destroy), or find external friends that they can talk to about their feelings. Having any form of social support is an enormous help.

Harm Reduction

Sometimes headmates can put you or others in serious danger. If this is the case for you, then you may need to find ways to reduce how much harm they do until you can get to the point where they'd rather not hurt you.

It can be tempting to lock them inside your head. After all, someone can't kill you if they can't use your body. This can be okay in dire emergencies, but locking headmates inside shouldn't be your go-to solution, and it should never be a long-term plan. Trapping someone inside their head against their will can do a lot of harm, and these tactics tend to make everyone suffer much more than they have to. Imagine being trapped inside of your own head for an indefinite time, stuck watching someone else live a life you hate while unable to do anything but scream at them or stew with your own pain. It's a deeply unpleasant experience that would be at home in a horror movie. Being hurtful doesn't mean that a person deserves to lose all autonomy; it means that they need support and care while they find other ways to meet their needs.

There are some situations where you may have to hold someone inside against their will for a short time. For example, if a headmate is actively trying to carry out a suicide plan, then you might have to take action to protect yourselves if nothing is working to calm them down or dissuade them.

There are ways to do this with compassion and care. Always ask the headmate if they're willing to come inside and let you handle the situation first. Let them express any concerns about coming inside and do your best to address them (even if you personally disagree with them). Be honest, but respect their opinions and try to understand where they're coming from. They may be willing to take some time inside to safely express themselves if you show that you can handle the situation in a way that they approve of.

If you truly have no other choice than trapping someone inside against their will, then do it for as little time as possible, and as transparently you can manage. Give them a clear time duration for being kept inside ("we'll let you out in one hour- we get home then, so we can sit down and talk to help you feel better") and commit to that. Ideally, they shouldn't be locked up for more than a day. If you can get away with a shorter time, then do so.

Have someone in the system sit with them inside if possible, and check in on them yourself as often as you can. They may yell at you or lash out. Let them. Take turns if it's too much to tolerate, but having someone to talk to can help a lot with preventing fears of abandonment or rejection. It's easy to be afraid that the people who locked you up plan to throw away the key. Let them know that you have no intentions of abandoning or ignoring them, and that you'll let them out as soon as you can.

Ideally, you'll never need to lock someone inside. There are better ways to prevent serious harm from happening. One of the easiest ways is to make a contract with that headmate. In exchange for hurting you less or limiting themselves to certain kinds of hurt, you can give them something that they want without making them fight for it.

Making this contract shouldn't be a one-sided process; work with each other to find an agreement that works for everyone. They might veto some of what you ask for. If they do, rework the contract into something that both of you can follow. There's always a good reason behind the veto, and talking about it can help you figure out how to handle the situation.

If your headmate asks for something that you can reasonably give them (time in control, a physical object, support, tools, etc.) as part of their contract, then give it to them. Getting what you want makes it a lot easier to decide to be nice, and feeling cared for can help folks who lash out because they feel ignored or overwhelmed. This can be scary if they're asking for time in control, especially if they have a history of hurting people, but give them a chance to follow your agreement. You might be pleasantly surprised.

If your headmate asks for something that you're not willing to give them, then explain why you're not able to provide what they asked for. Let them explain why they want it and what will happen if they can't have it. Some things can simply be dropped from the contract if they turn out to be minor requests. Others might have unexpected importance. Keep an open mind and try to find another way to meet the underlying need or want behind the request.