but not in the sense that i think im ugly. i think im hot, but in the sense that i feel out of place. i feel like i look rugged.
maybe i feel this way bc my face looks more masculine than other girls. everyone else looks cute, and small, and "petite," and then theres me
maybe i feel this way bc everyone else is paler than me. recently -bc its summer- i realised how dark i actually got. i tan really easily(probably bc im dominican). my friend told me "holy tan" today. like, i see myself... sometimes i like it, most of the time i dont.
i remember in 5th grade i always felt out of place, but for a slightly different reason. i always felt bigger than the other girls. they were shorter than me, thinner than me, more feminine than me. again, more "petite."
i think that feeling morphed into what i feel rn.
now, i just graduated 8th grade-the last day of school was today- and theres a bunch of people who are taller than me. i like hanging w them, they make me feel.. safe.. idk, it sounds weird ig. but other times i feel stupid if im just surrounded by tall people.
and, now, i have a crush on my friend. i wrote her a love letter, and she ghosted me. she nvr talked to me after that. i asked her like 2 months later if we could continue talking to eachother and she said "idk." she always says that to questions people ask her. its so annoying.
that rejection did smth; idk what. i now look in the mirror, and think im gross.
i feel disgusted by what i did. i feel so fucking gross.
i think, 'how could i like her? shes my friend'
then, when i look in the mirror, when i look at my dark skin, when i look really closely, closely enough to see my pores, is when i feel ugly.
gummygunk
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