System of the Mystic Defenders

There were 7 assassins hired to kill Franz, all were amateurs and 2 had Tuberculosis. All were armed with a gun, a hand held explosive, and a cyanide pill in case they got caught.

The first 2 assassins, the psudo leader of the assassins and a child, were first to have a shot at Franz. Neither took the shot for some reason.

The third assassin, who had TB, was on a bridge a bit ahead of the first 2, he through the explosive, which bounced off the roof of Franz’s car and blew up car behind them because the assassin forgot to account for the fuse length. He then ate this cyanide pill and jumped in the river.

The cyanide pill was out of date and the river was shallow. He flopped in the water like a disappointing fish and violently vomited everywhere.

The fourth assassin, also with TB, was stationed in a sandwich shop in the center of town. He decided to just sit around and see if Franz would come back.(foreshadowing)

Franz, instead of leaving the area where someone tried to assassinate him, stuck around and went to town hall to give his speech. The note cards for said speech were in the blown up car. So he had someone go back and retrieve these bloody note cards from the burning car so Franz could give this speech.

Then, again, instead if leaving the town where someone tried to blow him up, Franz decided to visit those injured in the explosion at the hospital. The chief of security and the mayor made a route that went through a bunch of back roads to avoid going through the center of town, where the car was blown up.

No one told the drivers.

So the Franz and company shipped out, with all but Franz’s car taking the back roads. The chief of security, who was in Franz’s car, stopped the driver in the center of town, right next to the sandwich shop, so they could push the car back and take the back roads because this all happened before reverse was a standard function in cars.

Sandwich shop assassin was still there, and chose violence. He went out, shot Franz, and took a shot at the chief of security, but missed and killed Franz’s wife. He then turned himself in, feeling guilty for killing an innocent woman.

Sandwich assassin turned in all of the other assassins and all were charged.

Psudo leader got the death sentence

The TB bunch both got 20 years, even though they are the only 2 that hurt anyone and sandwich guy actually killed Franz.

The others got 8 years, 6 years, and 2 got 4 years in accordance with their ages as they were under 18.

it is so funny to me that we basically got the show we had been screaming about for years, but not because a writer made a calculated move. he actually didn’t realize he was doing it.

but now i’m like 98% sure he’s basically straight

“there are sustainable ways to use animal products, leather is good resource, indigenous people hunting sustainably is not an environmental problem” 

and “individuals should take some responsibility for the environment, veganism and plastic-free lifestyles should be heavily encouraged” 

and “veganism/vegetarianism/plastic-free is not an accessible lifestyle for everyone”

and “large corporations and corruption are directly responsible for the climate crisis, and dismantling them and not having a fossil fuel based economy is the most important thing in saving the environment” 

guess what, it’s time for an all-new exciting episode of Weird Biology! today we’re investigating this lovely flower that I just found. it was just sitting innocently on a tree branch and it’s a lovely shade of pink, so I-

hang on, it just moved. 

what the fuck. lemme just…

aaand it just stabbed me in the finger. sorry folks, turns out we aren’t dealing with a flower at all! it’s the frilly, fashionable master of disguise,

AHA! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! STAB!

the first westerner to describe the Orchid Mantis in 1879 (a journalist from Australia) thought he was seeing a moving, carnivorous flower! obviously he was wrong, as flowers absolutely don’t do that! ha ha! (the point is, it’s an easy mistake to make. especially if you’re a journalist from 1879.)

the Orchid Mantis is a perfect flower mimic, with a dazzlingly sinister sense of fashion.

SO sinister.

the Orchid Mantis is found in the rainforests of Southeast Asia, from Malaysia to Thailand. they are small and delicate, covered with High Femme pastel frills that conceal their deadly mantid forelegs. (mostly. it’s like seeing the outline of a switchblade under a fancy skirt.) 

females grow to be about 3 inches long, while males barely reach half that. they range in color from delicate pinks to lacy purples to eggshell white to that obnoxious pale yellow you only see in Easter decorations.

and except for the giant alarming eyeballs, they look exactly like, well. orchids.

THE BETTER TO SEE YOU WITH, MY DEAR.

like all praying mantids, the Orchid Mantis is a carnivore who feasts on the flesh and possibly souls of lesser insects. but with their fantastically flamboyant fashions, how are they supposed to hunt? well, the answer probably won’t surprise you! 

because the Orchid Mantis looks so much like a flower, the pollinators come to it. butterflies, bees, moths, you name it. they buzz in, thinking they’ll get a mouthful of nectar and some pollen like good buggy citizens. and what does the Mantis do when these well-meaning helpful friends show up?

why, they prey.

THE BETTER TO STAB YOU WITH, MY DEAR.

also like all praying mantids, the Orchid Mantis worships the silent gods of Slice n’ Dice. when a delicious butterfly or bee bumbles too close, the Mantis promptly stabs the fuck out of it with a lightning-fast strike, and chows down.

in other words, they’re three inches of Death Metal contained under a thin veneer of tea party.

maybe a tea party where the hostess stabs you in the chest.

when they aren’t victimizing kind and helpful insects who only wanted to see a cool flower, the Orchid Mantis goes about the business of continuing the species. since adults only live about 8 months in the wild, this is more of an urgent matter than you would expect.

because Orchid Mantises are pretty rare and not studied often, we’re not actually sure how the deed is done in the wild. (I’M FINE WITH THAT.) if it’s anything like captive breeding programs, most of the dudes just get straight-up eaten. the Orchid Mantis lady is in complete and terrifying control of the situation, and often prefers a snack to the gentle embrace of a lover.

mantids are just kind of like that.

role model?

if the dude mantis is successful in his efforts, the lady mantis will then go off and lay 50-100 eggs clustered on a stem surrounded by a gross protective foam. in 5 to 6 weeks, the baby mantises will emerge and begin eating each other immediately.

(mantises are HARDCORE.)

seriously though, the babies (which look like itty-bitty adults) are red and black when they hatch. they disperse rapidly into the underbrush, at least the ones who don’t get cannibalized by a sibling. (that was real. did you think that wasn’t real?)

in a few weeks, the babies will molt and grow out of their Goth phase, emerging in the true High Femme style of their parents.

WE WILL NEVER SLEEP! ‘CAUSE SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!

because Orchid Mantises are so rarely seen, we’re not actually sure how they’re doing in the wild. it is believed that they are under threat from habitat destruction, as many of the rain forests they live in are plowed over. these frilly creatures need protection and support if we want them to still lurk stabbily in the wild.

however, the Orchid Mantis is extensively bred in captivity for the pet trade. it is the most popular kind of Mantis in the pet trade (for very good reasons), and its beauty and stabby nature will likely be around for a long time yet.

whether you like it or not.

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee or check out my Patreon to see extra content and support Weird Biology.

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IMAGE SOURCES

ALRIGHT SO my pal @kalreyno wanted help with drawing fat characters and as a fat artist i felt like i could give a bit of helpful insight on that. there’s also been a lot of complaining about “boo hoo fat characters are hard to draw so i can’t include them in my work Ever” goin on lately so if that’s your case then this is for you too!! and also just for anyone who would like help with fat bodies in general, ofc. anyway, let’s get this show on the road!!

let’s start with some common misconceptions. these are the two main attempts at chubby bodies i run into, so i’ll focus on them. 

the Anime Chubby i see everywhere, and it’s just……so wrong in many ways. first of all, there is almost no additional body fat compared to your average thin character - except for where it’s added in “attractive” places (breasts, hips, thighs). the breasts are way too perky, and don’t have the realistic shape fat would give them (though how to draw accurate breasts is another tutorial all on its own lmao). there is still a thigh gap, which usually only happens in very thin people, and bones are still visible on the surface of the skin, which also rarely happens in fat people.

the Michelin Man is better in some ways, but still not that great. it’s a slightly better attempt, but basically all that’s done there is taking a thin character and blowing them up, while giving no thought to fat distribution. the thigh gap is usually still present, and they look a lot more hard than soft - and fat is very soft and pliable.

here’s a chart on how fat usually distributes (if you can’t read my messy writing, “1. next to no fat, 2. moderate amount, 3. most of the fat distribution”). basically, the more muscle an area has, the more prone it is to develop fat, such as the abdomen, thighs, and upper arms. it’s important to note that fat sits on top of muscle, and that it does distribute in different levels, and not evenly across the body as shown in the Michelin Man. 

now, here’s an accurate fat body with all of that kept in mind!! notice how the fat isn’t only kept to aesthetically pleasing areas, and how it sits realistically on the character’s body. their breasts sag a lot more, which happens even in thin people with larger breasts, and the nipples are pointing more downwards than straight out. there is no thigh gap in sight, there are no bones in sight, and most importantly, they have fat rolls, which are very important in drawing a convincing fat character!! as far as i know i’ve never met a single person with no rolls at all, and everyone has them, whether thin or fat - they’re just more prominent and more consistently present in fat people. pay close attention to where they are and how they’re shaped.

here are a couple of drawings showing how fat is affected when sitting vs stretching. as seen in the first, the fat specifically on the stomach is distributed a lot more evenly and stretched out, so it becomes “flatter”. the love handles are still pretty visible, though, as well as the fat on the thighs and arms. the breasts are raised with the shoulders, and the fat on the shoulders and near the neck forms rolls as it’s being pushed together. 

in the second, there is a lot less room for distribution, so the fat is all pushed together. the breasts sag and the stomach forms rolls and spills into the lap. a good analogy for the way fat works is to liken it to a water balloon, and thinking of how its shape would change when resting flat on a surface, hanging off of a ledge, held upright, etc.

here are a few extra tips i find a lot of people miss!

first on the top is the hip/pubic region. the first circle is showing the way the bellybutton is folded in fat people, as opposed to stretched out in thinner people. the second is the stomach fat spilling over onto the pubic region and creating a separation in the two areas, which is something that’s missing in a lot of art. in addition, the pubic mound also gains fat, making it round as seen in the profile drawing i did up there (i’ve heard people refer to it as fupa?). the last in the hip region is the lack of a thigh gap. i can’t stress this enough!!!! if you’re trying to draw a convincing fat character, make sure their thighs are pretty much always touching!! for reference, mine literally don’t separate until my feet are about 2ft from each other.

the bottom right is showing the double chin, which a lot of people are afraid to draw!! fat does distribute itself here too, and there’s nothing wrong with it, so don’t feel like you shouldn’t give fat characters a double chin in your work for fear of it looking like a caricature.

in the bottom middle, it’s showing how fat affects different types of breasts with the presence of more or less breast tissue. 

lastly, at the very right are stretch marks with their usual locations and directions, which i also can’t stress enough!!!!! i sometimes forget to add them honestly, but they’re so important in accurately portraying fat characters, as they literally come from the skin being stretched from fat being gained (and they’re also just rlly neat lookin like why wouldn’t you lmao). some people have less and some people have more, feel free to experiment with them!

the last thing is body types!! there isn’t one single way for a person to be fat, so feel free to experiment with shapes once you’ve learned the basics!! 

so there you have it, a tutorial on how to draw chubs!! now go forth and make some accurate fanart or some rad fat characters, because the world could always use more of both. hmu if you have any questions or concerns, and thanks for reading!!

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English law was actually quite lenient towards the cunning folk for a long time. throughout the 15th and 16th centuries the lawmakers, judges and religious leaders focused on the Maleficar, witches who would bring harm to the community, who would curse/hex, dance with the devil, eat babies etc. etc.

The cunning folk were somewhat exempt, I think I read somewhere that infamous douchebag Matthew Hopkins left them well alone because he knew that they were doing good.

It just amazes me that at that point in history we were so afraid of witchcraft that we decided to prosecute and murder any man/woman accused of a Maleficar, we had the Malleus Maleficarum in many English courts which detailed how to horrifically torture a witch properly, hell even king James I wrote a book detailing his fears of magic.

And yet we left the cunning folk alone despite the fact they were magical practitioners. I’m sure there are many cases of these humble men and women being persecuted and killed, but on the whole we respected them and their craft.

“ “Cunning Folk” is a term used by historians to describe both male and female professional practitioners of magic in Europe. These cunning people were physicians, healers, psychics, magicians, and providers of magical services to their clients. The cunning folk were the wise women and men. In the cunning folk’s historic society eclectic knowledge and wisdom was key; the cunning folk were seen by the population as distinct in society for their knowledge acquired from either a supernatural source, a hereditary ability, or from their literacy, as many people back then couldn’t read or write. They were central to the experience of the magical world for the majority of people; and almost everyone knew at least one cunning man or woman.    When you think of magic in Europe, you are most likely to think of witches and their Sabbath in the woods at night. Although cunning folk were referred to in rare instances as “White Witches”, in Early Modern Europe the cunning folk were seen by the majority of the population as very distinct from witches. Cunning folk tended to work alone, using Christian names of God in their magic, reading from Christian grimoires, and utilizing Biblical verses. To them magic was a helpful tool which accompanied their Christian religious beliefs rather than composing them. Many today attempt to mystify or glamorize the cunning folk as “the true historic witches.” Outside of fantasy the cunning folk were ordinary, if only a bit kooky, people who could read and developed an interest in magic. They sent for mail order books, studied up the most popular of them, in some cases even just bought the books to look impressive on the shelf. Witchcraft was persecuted because it was seen as heretical and diabolic, where cunning folk were safe from persecutions. In fact, the same grimoires used by the cunning folk were brought into circulation largely because so many Catholic clergymen studied and practiced with them.    Cunning-craft differed from witchcraft and witches in the religious sense as well, because witches were seen as believing in a mix of devil worship and paganism, as flying to their Sabbath with the goddess Diana and meeting with the Devil, and the witches’ rituals were seen as heretical and often criminal. Where the cunning man worked alone in his home, witches travelled to a Sabbath to meet with a coven. They were seen as anathema to the Christian God, whether this meant paganism or diabolism. The classical Grimoires were not seen as the domain of the witches as reading and writing was seen as a pure, Godly act mastered only by nobility or clergy. The cunning folk, not commonly charged with heresy, were for the most part safe from the witch persecutions, because even if the church didn’t always approve of their magical practices they were still not seen as diabolic or heretical and were therefore not under the church’s authority.” I totally agree! I talked about it in my article “Dual Faith, Renouncing Christianity & differences between Witchcraft, Folk Magic and Pagan Survivals”.