Nada Roaa

It’s a weird thing, you know, my awareness of all of my inner problems and their origins, yet being completely stagnant and unable to move towards healing and building a future for myself. I feel paralyzed. I am paralyzed by fear and uncertainty.

I sit and wonder if my life is even worth it? Is it worth it to search for a personal spark that helps me push forward, when all I feel is pain? Is it worth it to move forward when a dagger is stuck so deep in my chest, making me overly aware of that stabbing sensation? Or do we move forward solely because we’re driven by our love for our families and friends, sparing them the mental torment of us taking the « easy » way out.

What if a part of me, deep down, knows what I’m made for in this world, my spark, fuel, ultimate end goal, yet, is unable to put in any effort, as I have zero motivation, and I’m just damaged beyond repair.

People are built different, some have a thicker skin, they can’t be easily broken by life’s chaos, whilst others present a biological vulnerability that makes more susceptible to mental damage, and I believe I’m the latter.

''No Nora, you didn't succeed in your exam because you're god's loyal servant, you did because you studied for it and giving an invisible entity credits for your accomplishments is plain stupidity''

Some believers like to play around that and minimize the pain every being on this planet goes through by claiming suffering is a character building experience, which is, in my opinion, a pathetic way to justify the intervening creator's cruelty.

Trauma never makes its victim stronger, quite the opposite actually, it breaks you, steals your peace, renders you powerless and helpless, gives you nightmares, painful flashbacks, holds you hostage for years until you heal, ruins your relationship with your body and in some cases it can even kill you. So where's the character building y'all were talking about?

Also, what would a cat learn from all of its suffering? A dog? A helpless little animal?

But it’s not gonna happen cuz I’m stuck here :’)

The way that religion brainwashes people into cutting contact with their loved ones because they no longer believe in it is depressing. I am so sorry about that and i hope you can get out of that situation and live happily according to your own rules without being villainized by a bunch of toxic abusive believers 🤗

My friends or shall i say ex friends, challenged me amid a silly misunderstanding to bring out something that i bring into our friendship since they have to endure the looks of judgements and the outcast treatment for their association with me. An atheist, someone who doesn't believe in the abrahamic god (how dare she), someone who doesn't have a religion to guide them in this life, someone who lacks a moral compass, as they claim. In 2024 i made a pact with myself to STOP over explaining my stance. This includes but not limited to, my morals, my values, my beliefs or lack thereof, my identity, my whims, dreams...etc especially to someone who will never ever open their mind to accept a perspective or pov other the one their communities feed them regularly. Trying to humanize myself in a society that will forever paint atheists and non believers in a bad light since its beginning is a mistake and a waste of time, energy and my mental sanity.

For me, i thought friendship was about accepting the beautiful and ugly parts of your friends and seeing their imperfections as little quirks that just makes them who they are. I was wrong. I think this was a lesson for me to continue being a loner and never establish any deep relationship with muslims knowing they will drop you the moment they know who you truly are.

This is one of the many many beautiful things islam took away from me. The ability to make friends and connect with people. Because no matter what i do, i'm seen as a bad person who you shouldn't associate yourself with if you're a believer. I could lead you to the path of sin and disobedience. A path where you hypothetically question the absurdities that your community has fed u. A path where reason is put before faith.

Some people might say that i should stop victimizing myself and being a victim in every scenario since life is unfair for everyone and i should just stop bitching and moaning non stop. But aren't I a victim in a society where i know there are a hundred thousand people who would want me dead? Aren't I a victim in a society where the law prosecutes blasphemers for using our ''god'' given right to speak freely about the things that hurt us? Aren't I a victim for being named an abomination, a disgrace, a heathen? Aren't i a victim for facing hate crime? Aren't I a victim as a liberal ex muslim woman in a conservative islamic state?