It's been real and it's been fun, but I've outgrown this. I don't want to be back where I came from, I just don't want to be stuck here anymore. I left home to get away from the mundane, meet new people, and learn something. 11 months later it's time to do it again. Routine has become just that for too long, the most interesting people I met are away starting new adventures, and I've hit a wall learning. That doesn't mean I hate this town, it just means it's time to broaden my horizons. Exchange is fun, but it could never last much longer than a year. When you go abroad in high school, you're freezing your life for a year to experiment with a new one. But the new life has to end, and the idea of doing something greater than lounging around a foreign town is simply appealing. You might grow as a person by going abroad, but at the cost of not getting to grow in life. I crave to learn. I crave to drive and to start working, to move out and become self-sufficient and all the other little milestones that come with growing up. By being here, I feel like I'm wasting time at this point. My German isn't drastically improving anymore, and even if it was, it's not something I'm interested in making a career in. It's a tool, nothing more. It's something that I have fun learning on the side, but it's all I've been studying the past year. I want a break. I want refreshment.

At the end of the week there was an award ceremony, and my team came in first (though I should probably mention we were the only ones in our class). 

On Wednesday, I’ll have been here two months. I have no idea where the time’s gone. I really feel at home here, but I’m absolutely terrified the entire year will go by so fast. Sure, I’m experiencing a lot of new things, but at this point I just can’t imagine going home and returning to school. I think it’ll be interesting to see where I stand at the end of my year, since I already feel so taken-aback at the generosity of people and the things I’ve been able to do in only two months. There are cons to being here, but the pros overwhelmingly outweigh them.

Today I had the pleasure of visiting the nearby city of Kiel with a few of my oldies. I got to skip my 7th class in order to go, so that was definitely nice. We didn’t really have a plan for what exactly we wanted to do there, so we all wandered towards the water until we got the idea of going to Starbucks (so original, right?). One of the Aussies FaceTimed one of her oldies, which resulted in them just shit-talking people I’d never met. Afterwards, we pretty much just walked around a bunch, then had Chinese food and waited for our respective trains. It wasn’t super eventful, but it’s the sort of hanging/wandering around I miss. 

Every single time I’ve tried to post here in the past month or so, I just haven’t been able to. The posts sit stockpiled in my Google Drive, as if that will stop time. The passing of time is inevitable. I’ve been here 7.5 months. I’ve got 3.5 left. The problem is, I’m in love with my host culture. It suits me. And unlike the other exchange students I’ve talked to, I’m rejecting my real culture. This is a fairly recent development, and I have no idea what to make of it. I only want to speak German, even with other native English-speakers, I refuse to read or watch TV shows or movies in English, and quite frankly, I don’t want to be typing this in English, even though my German really isn’t “all that.” I haven’t really talked to my real family in a couple of months, besides occasional “Happy Birthday!” and “Can I have more money?” texts. They try to make jokes, but it just frustrates me, because my sense of humor has so drastically changed. I’ll admit to requesting a case of my favorite gum, but that seems like the last remaining part of the US I love. I suppose it’s good that I really like where I’m at, but the bubble I’m living in will burst soon enough. I already know the expiration date, July 20th, just thinking about it makes me numb. There’s a long and winding road ahead. Those stockpiled posts are coming.

Crap I didn’t see the notification for this until this morning. I just introduced myself and followed the prompt our district has, which I can no longer find, but it included things like: What is a typical day for you? What classes do you take? How long does school last every day? Do you take the bus, walk, etc. to school? Do you have siblings? How is your relationship with them? What do you plan on doing in the future? You could try to take one of the things you do and talk more about why you like it. For example, if you play soccer, you could explain that you’re extroverted and enjoy working with a team, or if you like math class, you could write about how you’re a very logic-based person. I hope this helped at least a little. Sorry for such a late response. If you have more questions just ask!

Happy first day of exchange! You don’t know anyone yet, but that’s okay. When you start school, you’ll definitely feel pressured to immediately become friends with people who do everything just slightly differently. It takes time, but you’ll get there. Keep trying, and don’t be afraid to switch between languages as you please; people are always  interested in what you have to say in English, but you suck at German. You’ll greet everyone on the train to Munich, and even meet some of the most admirable people during that ride, no matter how condescending they seem. There will come a point when you can tell anything to these people, just because they put themselves in the exact same crazy situation as you. They will come a point where you will be totally uncrackable. You’ll feel like anyone can know anything about you. Some days you’ll feel like a celebrity. Some days you’ll be invisible. You’ll kiss someone in the dark with 4 of your newfound best friends, and it will be one of those crazy stories. Literally overnight, you’ll go to never having kissed anyone to making out with a Brazilian you’ve just met and having orgy rumours buzzing around. And you’ll kind of like it. You’ll learn to make a move. Yeah, that’s how confident you’ll be. You’ll grow to wake up everyday and love living in this tiny town. Being in a car will become an unmistakably thrilling experience. You’ll realize you’ve got a little thing for one of the first people in your new life, but that’s actually totally normal, believe it or not. You’ll be friends sort of but always kind of wonder if you’re actually just being irritating. You’re slightly afraid of your host family finding out you aren’t perfect, but they know damn well and they’re going to be a huge influence when you let them. You’re going to want to get on a plane and be home in 15 hours, but you also know nothing will be the same. You’ll feel stuck… God, will you feel stuck, and anxious and confused too. Some days will never end, and others you’ll Google “How many days since August 19, 2015” and feel numb looking at the results. You’ll feel like nothing matters where you are, but it does if you make it. You’ll start to think you regret a couple things, but you don’t.  About halfway through this fiasco, you’ll absolutely freak out when it hits you how soon you’ll be leaving, but you won’t really comprehend why. You’ll talk to Quinn in Flensburg, and he’ll tell you you’re just getting to the good part. And you’ll ponder it and realize he’s right. You’ll start to forget the rules, but you won’t be the kind of person that will get sent home. You’ll learn to really go for it and fuck the rest. You’ll see your old life through two lenses, as if wearing a pair of old-fashioned 3D glasses; on one side, it’s totally comfortable and determined. On the other, it has nothing new to offer you; you’ve outgrown it. You’re going to have a little bit of an identity crisis. When you see the American flag you’ll get a really vivid proud feeling. When you see Americans, you’ll want to cringe most of the time, though sometimes you need to veg out in your own culture. Yes, America has a culture. Just not one you can put your hand on easily. You’ll get irritated at yourself for not being more extroverted. Eventually you’ll be the type of person who openly admits to liking pop music. You’ll wonder how you got such an incredible life. You’ll be someone you could only dream about becoming 10 years ago.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed at my first host family’s house with a weird feeling. I changed families a couple weeks ago, but my host parents are out of town this weekend so I’m staying with my first host family and all of their irreplaceable glory. It’s been great just chilling with them again. I honestly feel like they’re real family, which has really started to take it’s toll. It’s made me realize I’m terribly grounded in two places thousands of miles apart. The past five months have turned me into a different person, but not in the way I imagined. My opinions and views are still the same, and I still poke fun at the same things, but I’ve grown rhetorical armor; I can take a beating. I’m much more confident, and while I’d still consider myself an introvert, I’ve realized how much I actually like being the center of attention. It sounds terribly selfish, but everyone notices when you improve in any way, and that’s a huge confidence booster. I’m madly in love with finally having a new image that’s not dependent upon who I was throughout elementary school, and the fact that I’m continuously crafting it myself is flat-out exciting. I doubt I would have survived here this long without such a spectacularly generous and caring family. They always found time for me, which I might never get used to, and now I’m realizing I’m almost halfway through my exchange and the idea of things never being exactly the same is setting in. I can come back and visit, but I’ll be a visitor looking in on how things have progressed in my absence, which is simply inevitable. I’ve realized how much can change in so little time, or perhaps how so much time can seem like so little. I’ve questioned where exactly in the world I belong, and have discovered how prevalent and defining some of my specific traits are. I’ve survived cultural whiplash, but now I’m halfway to being catapulted back. Once again, however, I feel stunned. I’m in yet another new environment, but I don’t feel like I have to make myself known as much. I still see my old family often, and they know exactly who I am. It’s weird seeing their dynamic go on minus me, when I feel like I don’t fit in better anywhere else. Leaving my first family has been so much harder than leaving my native land and biological family. As I was brainstorming a way to finish this off, my host dad came in with vegetarian meatballs and that’s pretty much a summary of how great my time here has been.

I've already tried posting this five times.. New Year's Eve/Silvester! I spent my New Year's Eve, or "Silvester" as we say in Germany, in Hamburg. It took two hours by train and streetcar to get there, but it was worth it. On my first train, the sky was PINK! it was gorgeous, but no one else seemed to pay it much attention. When I arrived at the main train station in Hamburg, it was only 18:00 or so, but people were already lighting fireworks all over the place and security guards were on the streetcars (which are actually underground in most of the downtown-area). When I first got to the platform of the streetcar to my friend's house, there were other foreigners shouting in what sounded like Arabic, and lighting firecrackers underground. From that point on I could tell it was going to be an interesting night. The wonderful Brazilian exchange student I was staying with for the night and her host dad picked me up somewhere in suburban Hamburg, and we got ready for the night in her house. Later, her host family took us to dinner at a family friend's house. The Brazilian and I tried Raclette, which I unfortunately did not take pictures of, and we all watched 'Dinner for One,' (I really wish I could italicize on mobile) which is apparently some sort of New Years tradition here. Quite honestly, it was awful and repetitive; perhaps it's better suited to German humor. From there, we went to the local streetcar station, and met up with other exchange students in downtown Hamburg. At that point, police vans lined the streets and officers with S.W.A.T. Team-style gear were everywhere. People of all from around the world were running into the streets and setting off fireworks, or even worse: lighting them in the crowd. We went down towards the Elbe (a river) and stood along the water where all those touristy boots pick people up and drop them back off every couple of minutes. When the clock struck midnight, we popped open a bottle of juice, because as Rotary youth exchange students we're not allowed to drink 😉, and watched the fireworks. At around 12:30, we dashed to the subway station, where we tried to all stay together until the train came. Right as the doors were closing on the train before ours, someone tried to light firecrackers in the car. When security noticed, the man ran onto the platform and security tackled him. The police came with guns (a rare sight it Germany), and got everything under control. 15 or 20 minutes later we were on our way to a house party. By the time we got there, all the Germans were already drunk, so the exchange students banded together and lounged around upstairs and in the living room corner. At 5 AM I finally went to sleep, and slept through the clock striking midnight where I was last year. It wasn't an incredibly crazy experience, but I don't regret going to Hamburg with the exchange students rather than staying in Plön with my German friends.

Christmas in Germany! Everyone says, "Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas on exchange." I'm not quite sure if that's true, but it was certainly different. I honestly felt like Christmas was more low-key here, even though it is the only holiday (besides New Year) that Germans recognize this time of year. In the bigger cities there were Christmas markets ("Weihnachtsmärkte" in northern Germany), but at home I never associated big Christmas markets in the middle of the city with Christmas, so that's probably why it didn't seem Christmas-y. Unless I was somewhere touristy, I also didn't really see images of Santa or stockings around, which was fairly odd. Instead Germans seem to associate candles (especially red, likely because of their presence on Advent Wreaths), these weird paper star/light things (you can sort of see one in the picture above in front of the big chandelier thing), and Glühwein (warm wine that's sold everywhere at Christmas markets), with Christmas. They also seem to consider singing Christmas carols (which tend to be more religious here than back home) a Christmas-y thing to do, even past the age of 12 or so. All of the trees I saw were real, and didn't have a ton of ornaments; the few ornaments that did adorn trees didn't seem to be personal on any level (for example, none with "Baby's First Christmas 1997" plastered upon them.) On the 24th of December ("Heiligabend") they exchange gifts. By American standards, I would say Germans exchange very few gifts, but I would consider myself on the spoiled end of the spectrum. (Perhaps this goes back to a recurring theme I've seen amongst Europeans: travel before material.) It seemed like Christmas Eve was also usually spent with only one's immediate family. At 23:00, we went to the local church (where I took the photo above) and I sang with the choir (even though I can't sing all that well). The 25th was when my extended family here all got together and ate, but didn't give gifts to one another. The 26th is also a "Weihnachtsfeiertag," or Christmas celebration day, but by then everyone seemed really still and used the time to recover from visiting family. It was enjoyable, and honestly I didn't feel very homesick. I'll be back for next Christmas, and it was fascinating getting to know what Christmas is like in Germany. Right now, I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve in Hamburg with the other exchange students!

This weekend has been great! On Friday I only had the first 4 classes, but my class had breakfast together for the first two, the third was cancelled, and the fourth we went to the auditorium to watch the 5th- and 6th- graders sing Christmas carols. After school, my host sister and her friends invited the other exchange student here in Plön and me to a soccer game. I had a great time, even though the team we were rooting for lost 0:4. Afterwards we lingered at a Christmas market for an hour or so. For some reason, the train we took home was a 6+ carriage double-decker, which was super cool because the usual one is a 2-4-car single-decker. Yesterday (Saturday) was my 4-month mark. My host brother and I went to a Rotary Christmas thing. One of the Rotarians has a ton of land and invites the club to cut down Christmas trees every year. Afterwards we went into the basement of the (literal) castle he calls home for a cake buffet. This year is my first year having a real Christmas tree! Today I'm going to the church in the middle of town with my host sister to help my YEO's wife/my next host mom collect donations after a Christmas concert. I'm still not completely used to Christmas being the only holiday this time of year.

Tomorrow is my last day of school before winter break! Time is flying by. The past few weeks have been crazy. I turned 16, went clubbing, hung out with my exchange student clique for the last time all together (1/2 of us are oldies), had another orientation, and got to explore a couple Weihnachtsmärkte ("Christmas Markets"). As far as school goes, I've been able to participate a lot more, but I think one of the higher-ups thinks I'm constantly skipping school (actually just constantly a class or two late or leaving early because of a doctors appointment, glasses repair, orientation, etc). Otherwise, everything is going well. My classmates have finally started to invite into the city after school for food. I think that's a huge stepping stone, since a lot of exchange students in Germany seem to struggle with getting to know Germans. Today my grade level had a Badminton tournament for 2.5 hours. I asked a couple of friends to hold my phone and they took a bunch of selfies and set one as my phone background. Then they invited me to get lunch (DÖNER!!!!) in the city and we got back to school just in time for gym class. We got to choose between gymnastics and soccer, so I chose the latter. It was super fun! I love how so many people are into football here, but I think it's weird that girls don't play it. At least where I live, soccer is actually more popular amongst girls than guys. Netflix here is fortunately existent, but Parks and Recreation is unfortunately not available to stream, so I've been watching Aziz Ansari's new show, "Master of None". (I'm typing this on my phone so the title is just getting quotation marks sorry.) It was pretty good, AND I COULD UNDERSTAND IT IN GERMAN WITHOUT SUBTITLES OF ANY KIND which was cool. I found out I'm probably changing families in the beginning of January. I'll most likely be staying with my YEO (I think that's their position?), who is super nice but I can't help but want to stay with my current family. So yeah, that's life at this point.

I'd like to start off by saying I accidentally began to write "Shock" in German. Which brings me to my big announcement; I'm finally madly in love with Germany and the "German way." Going back to daily life in the U.S. would be a chore. I always dreamed of reaching this point. It's been a journey getting here, but I survived! Of course the first couple of weeks of exchange were great; I was like tourist falling into fake love with Europe. However, tourists never adapt, and they don't tend to linger around too long before returning to the comfort of their familiar lives. So I wasn't really a good candidate for the tourist life. After two or three weeks, things changed. I felt like I had been here long enough that I shouldn't still be asking questions about the windows and the shower and where I should leave my toothbrush and a million other little things, but I still didn't know how things worked. It was so frustrating not knowing anything.Obviously an entire society wouldn't do something a certain way if it didn't work well for them, but I couldn't get used to people telling me that is just the way it is. I'm not the sort of person to believe in something without reason. My solution: I just kept asking the same questions until I got at least one answer that seemed reasonable. It's interesting that you've "always done it that way," but someone must have influenced you or you must have had a reason to develop the habit of doing whatever action a certain way. Once I started to get answers, I felt like I had a better understanding of how people think here, which helped a lot. As soon as I was able to understand the German mindset, I began to understand why things were done a certain way without asking an array of questions. Right now, I constantly try my best to think like a German, and it's, made everything a lot easier. People always told me to stay open minded, especially abroad, so I tried. It turned out I should have been thinking like a German.

Crap I meant to answer this privately but now all I can do is edit it. Why, Tumblr?!