i write things (she/her)

Your longtime lover, Bucky Barnes, was exactly what you were missing right now. It had been an eventful summer for you two; let’s be honest, as enhanced superhumans, your lives were always eventful. It’s how you found each other. But this summer had been eventful in a different way. Brutal attacks were made on Earth, which brought you and Bucky back to Wakanda. He still felt indebted to the Wakandans, and made every effort to help and protect them. Where he went, you went; and so you found yourselves living in a hut together for the summer, feeding goats in your free time and fighting blue-blooded aliens when duty called. It was overwhelming at times, and you two needed each other for exactly that reason.

Just like children sleeping, we could dream this night away

On the flip side, though, people don’t warn you that even when you’re a superhero, you still have normal couple problems. Specifically, living together. It was a temporary situation while you were fighting in Wakanda, but you and Bucky had never considered living together before. Your aging was delayed; why would either of you ever want to rush these big relationship milestones? But sharing one room in Wakanda made you both realize some things about your relationship. Unfortunately, these were conflicting realizations, and they led to countless nights bickering over your future as a couple.

Bucky had loved the shared living situation. From the night you had arrived back to the Avengers compound, he had pushed the idea of living together, getting engaged, then married, maybe even have some little enhanced Barnes kids running around. And it overwhelmed you. You hadn’t been subjected to Hydra torture like he had, but your teen & young adult life had been traumatic all the same. You were given the serum in a Russian doping experiment, a failed attempt to see if the super serum could be detected in an Olympic-level blood test. The answer was yes, it could, but your time as a lab rat wasn’t over. You were brutally tested on for countless days without sedation or relief in any form. You were never brain wiped or frozen either, which meant that your trauma was much more recent than Bucky’s, and it replayed fresh in your mind.

Your nights were far more restless, and your migraines were nearly constant. You two had befriended each other originally because you realized you had similar struggles. He had been the one to wake you from your nightmares and hold you close, night after night. He never asked for anything in return, and you never quite realized that as he was helping you, it was saving him too. You were less confident than he was; still afraid to simply live, still uncomfortable in your own skin. No matter how much help you had, only time would make that go away. He knew that.

But there’s a full moon rising, let’s go dancing in the night

That didn’t change the fact that you hated change. You adored Bucky all along, and everyone could see it, but you had still been hesitant when he officially asked you on dates. He had done it the old-fashioned way- slowly, and like a gentleman, so there was less chance of scaring you off. “I don’t care if it takes me 100 years to get you, honey,” he always told you, “I’d rather wait than lose my chance with my favourite girl.”

And boy, did he wait. But finally, he got the girl. The compound celebrated for him that night. That was nearly two years ago now. And only a week ago was your return from Wakanda. Bucky had reasoned with you all through the day and night, but you wouldn’t have it and he didn’t know why. You had yelled at him, “Bucky, give me a break! You know, you know more than anyone I’m not comfortable with this. Please.”

“I know, my love, but I’m begging you. I was sure you’d want this. It’s me, it’s your boyfriend. I want to love you every day for the rest of our lives, you KNOW that. I want a wedding with you. I want a house, or at least a shared room together here. I want kids, if you do! Let me give it to you.” Bucky had pleaded, his voice raised.

“You told me you’d rather wait than lose me!” You yelled back at him. “Remember that? Seems like right now you’re not living up to that. So maybe… maybe you’re losing me.”

Bucky’s heart dropped down to his knees, which felt weaker by the second. For the first time, you had rendered him completely speechless. He knew that when you said something, you meant it. He also knew that you were very closed-off, which made you very stubborn, especially when it came to your boundaries. He had pushed a little too far, he had overstepped a little too soon, and he realized it instantly. But he could tell your mind was made up. Still, he begged.

“Y/N, honey, you don’t mean that. You know I can’t lose you. You’re my everything! That’s the reason I’m asking you this! Just give me this. Please. I only ever want this with you,” he cried to you. You were already leaving his room.

“Then you can wait for me again.”

We know where the music’s playing, let’s go out and feel the night

There’s a couple good sayings about regret, right? How a few moments of misplaced value could mean an entire lifetime of regret. And although your “moments of misplaced value” only happened a week ago, you were certainly expecting the regret you felt to last an entire lifetime.

You wanted more than anything to run back to Bucky and tell him how sorry you were. You shouldn’t have yelled, you shouldn’t have said those things to him. He wasn’t pushing too far, or losing you, you were just tired of the thought of change. And mostly afraid. You were terrified. You thought, how can he want kids? Another asset that Russian agents can take from us when we’re captured again?

Your paranoia had always been at a high level about being taken again. It was a “when”, not an “if”. As much as Bucky had tried to convince you otherwise, you believed they would come for you sooner or later. And when they did, you couldn’t imagine being taken from a husband and children. You loved Bucky, but you wanted to be as alone as possible. The more love you received from people, the more it would hurt when you were stolen from them again.

But it was autumn, the air was getting colder, you were alone in your bedroom in the midst of a huge Avengers party, and god, you hated being alone tonight. If you and Bucky had never fought, or if you had chosen your words a little more carefully, you wouldn’t have to be alone right now.

When we were strangers I watched you from afar

Bucky was outside in the cool autumn air, soaking in the sights. Tonight was Tony Stark’s Harvest Moon Gala, which he held every fall. The man used any excuse to throw a formal party, and Bucky had been dragged to it. He sat alone at his table and watched the couples swaying on the floor, dreaming about his own girl. Not yours anymore, Barnes.

He wanted nothing more than to just ditch this party and go drown his sorrows in his own room, but Steve had forced him to get dressed in a nice outfit and dragged him downstairs to the party. That was almost 3 hours ago, and his social battery was draining more and more by the second. When he got like this, he usually just went and found you; his safe place. He had to remind himself frequently these days that you couldn’t be his safe place anymore. That thought killed him more every day.

He had been a stranger to everyone lately, walking circles around the compound. He wasn’t angry, not one bit. How could he be angry with you, his one and only? He knew he pushed too far, too soon. He knew it was all his fault. But now it was done, and he knew the way you were, and the thought wouldn’t stop repeating in his head, you lost her, you lost her, you lost her. The words in his head almost became too much for him to bear when a familiar voice cut through it. “Man, you look like shit.” Sam Wilson slapped his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, coming up from behind him. “What’s on your mind?”

“Just thinking about her,” was all Bucky could say.

When we were lovers I loved you with all my heart

He didn’t even have to say your name; just the word “her” sent him into a flashback from months ago. July in Wakanda was a blur. He could remember waking up next to you, looking down to see you curled into his side, facing away and resting on top of his arm. You had always adored and been careful with his prosthetic arm, which made him a thousand times less insecure. The best part of snuggling into a metal arm? It never fell asleep during the night. He’d wrap his flesh arm around you until you woke up, when he’d kiss your cheek from behind you and plead to stay in bed for just a minute longer.

After many more long minutes, you would force him to get out of bed along with you. He always loved to watch you stretch in the mornings; no matter where you were or what was happening, it was nice to have one thing constant. You’d always lean against a wall or sit on the edge of the bed and raise your arms above your head, stretching everything out with a lazy yawn. He loved the way the morning sunlight hit your skin as you stretched in front of the open door. In those moments, and most others, he felt like he could just look at you forever.

He could recall spending the day running around with the local children and feeding the goats, maybe tending to a few crops. The simple life. He was touching you whenever possible. The next day, you might get called in to fight some aliens, and never make it back. Who knew? He had to make sure that if it was going to be your last day together, you knew how much he loved you, just in case. You’d just laugh at his paranoia and clinginess, but he knew you felt it too. Probably even worse than he did.

You’d end the day with a quick dip in the pond just outside your little house. On the extra hot days, the children would swim with you around lunchtime as he watched from the shore. But your evening swim, after everyone else had retired for the day, was a ritual just between the two of you. He lived for these quiet nights spent with you. It’s all he wanted; he finally felt safe, and free, and madly in love with this fucked-up, anxious girl who came from Russia right into his heart.

You’d just swim in your underwear, walking out until it was deep enough to dive underneath. It was your idea first; Bucky had been hesitant, but you’d always want to tempt fate and swim right up to your neck. Hell, if he didn’t call out for you protectively, he knew you’d swim out past where either of you could touch. It was relief from the heat, but it was also a sense of freedom that neither of you felt very often. It was an independent choice, one of the very few that the Winter Soldiers were ever allowed to make.

He would always watch silently as you dipped your head underwater, your wet hair shining in the beams of the sunset. He loved you forever, and he thought he’d have all the time in the world to say it. But now, it was October, and he was alone.

He couldn’t take his thoughts anymore. Sam had probably said something to him, but it hopefully wasn’t important, because with three words, Bucky was gone.

“I gotta go.”

But now it’s getting late, and the moon is climbing high

In seconds, Bucky was pushing through crowds of people, knowing exactly where he had to be right now. He didn’t even care if he was spilling drinks, bumping shoulders a little too harshly. He couldn’t resist any more. He gave you time and space, and he waited. God, he waited. It made his heart ache, the pain pulsating through his ribs as if it was real. He couldn’t do it anymore. Even if this hurt him more, at least it was something.

He figured you were watching one of your comfort shows right now, cozied up in your room. You were a lot newer to the crew than Bucky, with less connections, so nobody was going to force you to come to this party. Tony knew better. Plus, he didn’t want to push you or make you freak out. Most people here walked on eggshells around you. But never Bucky. He knew exactly where to step, and stepped confidently, walking right into your life and patching up the holes in your spirit.

He was exactly right; you were watching Ted Lasso, your all-time favourite comfort show. You were covered in piles of blankets, and you looked a mess, not that anyone was around to see it or give a shit. You exhaled with a long sigh, reaching for your half-empty bag of chocolate chips. You were well beyond being ashamed for eating a bag of chocolate chips in bed. Tucked in your blanket cave with the TV blaring, you nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard three loud knocks on your door.

Annoyed, you shuffled over to the door, abandoning your blankets. Whoever the hell was knocking was about to be sorry. Especially on the night of Tony Stark’s big autumn party, when all of his decorated guests were hoping for the Avengers’ newest freak show to make an appearance. You were specifically trying to stay in and hide tonight. You opened the door to see a man in black dress pants and a grey collared shirt, with dark hair back, blue eyes sparkling, and heart beating out of his chest. You could see it in his body language, and you were sure he could see it in yours too.

“Bucky?”

I want to celebrate, see it shining in your eye

“Y/N,” he breathed anxiously, “Can I-”

“Bucky, what are you doing here?” You interrupted him. Your heart was screaming at you to give in to him; to tell him that you were just scared, and paranoid, and most of all, really fucking sorry. But you waited.

“There’s a party tonight.” He told you, shuffling in his place as if he forgot how to stand in a doorway. It wasn’t his first time standing anxiously at your bedroom door, but this was the first time he was here to apologize.

“I’m aware,” you replied, more cold than you meant to, “I’m not coming out.”

“Y/N, you- you don’t have to get dressed up. I was just wondering if I could have one dance with you? I’ve gotta say some things.” You both had to say some things, but Bucky knew if he didn’t go first, you’d just never speak to him again. Your worry would get the best of you, and you’d wait for him to apologize first, even though it should’ve been you. So he might as well just take this bullet for you.

You were standing there in pajama pants and an old, ratty T-shirt Sam had given you months ago. Before Wakanda. You frowned at Bucky, already planning to turn him down. “Buck, look at me. There’s people and-”

“I don’t care, honey! I don’t care. Come out with me. It’s not even cold out; and it’s so pretty and people won’t even notice you’re there. Please.” Suddenly, your lover was begging you again. This time, though, it was somewhat working. You looked behind you for your slippers.

“Forget shoes, just come barefoot.” You turned back to him. How did he know exactly what you were thinking? “Please?” You knew he’d leave and give you more time if you wanted, but that’s not what you wanted. You picked up his hand, silently giving him the “yes” he was looking for. He smiled at you hesitantly, knowing things were still tense between you. He wordlessly led you down the hallway and into the elevator. You stood looking straight ahead during the short elevator trip, too shy to even glance at the man who was your everything just days ago. Before you knew it, the two of you were stepping out into the cool autumn air.

Because I’m still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

There were two things you instantly noted about the party. Firstly, Bucky was wrong. It was quite cold. Not cold like your time spent in Russian labs, but cold enough to make you shiver standing in just your PJ pants and a T-shirt. Your feet stood on top of each other uncomfortably, shifting due to the coldness of the ground. You felt frozen in place as you looked at the party, and they all looked right back at you.

That was the second thing you noted - Bucky was wrong about nobody noticing you. Every single guest seemed to be looking right at you like you had three heads. Some of them were probably expecting you to have three heads, as a matter of fact. You knew they had heard through the Stark grapevine about the girl who was rescued and taken in by the Avengers, the freak show who was fucked in the head trying to become an Olympic star. Your breath suddenly caught in your throat as all your worst fears came true; your paranoia turning all the blood in your body to ice. You quickly felt a hand on your lower back, guiding you back to reality before something terrible happened.

“You’re alright, my girl, breathe steady. Come with me, ok?” Bucky spoke lowly into your ear as a song ended and another began. People slowly started to go back to their drinks and dancing, upon realizing that you were just a normal girl in your pajamas. You breathed a sigh of relief when their attention was off of you, and Bucky led you out to the side of the dance floor. Quickly wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you closer, you rested your head on his shoulder.

You knew this song from somewhere; it was definitely Neil Young. You vaguely remembered your parents playing it on autumn nights. Soft guitar strummed in the background, but you were paying more attention to the man swaying you in his arms. “So… you were watching Ted Lasso, right?” He asked awkwardly. You nodded into his shoulder.

“I like Roy.”

“The one who swears a lot, right?” Bucky didn’t watch a lot of TV, but he still tried to remember who was who in your favorite shows.

“Yeah, that one.” You laughed under your breath. Awkwardness aside, Bucky started to really talk.

“Y/N, I was wrong. I know. I pushed you and I know I shouldn’t have. I just get scared that you and I will never get the chance to do this stuff together if we don’t now. I would marry you right now if I could.”

“Bucky, I-I don’t want to get married right now. I’m sorry too, I didn’t have to yell at you like that. You weren’t losing me, I was just scared.” You lifted your head to look him in the eyes. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not ready for that stuff. I’m sorry if that’s a deal breaker, I don’t know why, I just can’t-”

“Doll, of course that isn’t a deal breaker. I knew a normal life wasn’t really in the cards for us, and I asked you on that first date anyway. I waited for you anyway. I want you because I’m in love with you, and if that means waiting 20 more years or never getting married, never living together or having kids, I’ll live with that. The last thing I want is to lose you.”

“I know, Buck. You didn’t lose me.” He pulled his arms tighter around your waist and leaned down to kiss you; it felt like home, and it was exactly what you needed tonight. All the wrongs of the past week had been righted with one kiss, and you both smiled into each other’s lips because you knew. You laid your head back down on his shoulder.

“So, are we..”

“We’re okay, Bucky. Let’s just dance.”

And dance you did. As songs ended and began again, he held you closer and closer. Through the evening, people filtered out, but you two danced right until the last song. “Reflecting Light” by Sam Phillips played, one of your favorites. Nearly everyone was long gone, and the air was only getting colder, but you could hardly feel it. In this moment, you felt overpowered by love. You finally seemed to understand why Bucky wanted the things he did; why he was always there for you when you needed him, why he treated you better than you could ever treat him in return. There was no motive, and he wasn’t thinking about being captured or harmed anymore. Those days of suffering were over, and in their place were years of love. Just true, pure love. You had always felt it, but you hadn’t understood it until right now.

Maybe you’d revisit the living situation in the morning.

I’m still in love with you