Survive, Thrive, and Feel Alive

I decided to do something a little crazy, but AMAZING!

In some regards the pandemic was a blessing. It gave me time to slow down and re-evaluate my life. I’ve always had a passion for the written word – lines intermixed on a page meant to conjure up your soul. I continually celebrate my love of literacy day in and day out, but what about my other passions?

2020 – 2021 has given me time and space to RECLAIM my PASSIONS. That’s passions with an “s” – as in plural/multiple!  When the pandemic hit, something in me awakened. Physical and mental health sprinted to the forefront of my mind. I watched as my own children became stagnant. I watched as news reports and colleagues shared thoughts on the desperate need for children and adults of all ages to interact, play, and destress. How can individuals learn and grow if they feel physically and emotionally depleted?

I’ve been an athlete my whole life. Without athletics, I would not be the confident and accomplished woman I am today. It’s taught me about discipline, teamwork, and grit. I’ve be a coach for about half of my life. Breaking down skills, strategizing game play, and empowering my players both on and off the field has given me so much joy. And it’s this JOY that I couldn’t ignore any longer.

Let me start with this…

               Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

               Answer: To work on his next movement.

If that didn’t at least bend a tiny, sly smile from your lips, then you may want to stop reading now? Or, better yet…you may want to dive head first into the words ahead because they may just be the medicine you need.

Over the past few months, social distancing has become the norm. Separate. Walk away. Cross the street when someone is heading in your direction. Zoom…don’t meet in person. The problem here is more than just a virus…the problem is the loss of laughter. The loss of human connection. The loss of lightheartedness. According to an article on HelpGuide.org “When you…really connect face to face, you’re engaging in a process that rebalances the nervous system and puts the brakes on defensive stress responses…And if you share a laugh as well, you’ll both feel happier, more positive, and more relaxed—even if you’re unable to alter a stressful situation.” Laughter is essential to human existence. If we can’t find the humor in everyday living…then what’s the point?

Fourth of July weekend my family and I were riding the “struggle bus”. Our youngest, age 3, was running a fever and the oldest, age 7, was whining up a storm. My husband and I were just trying to appease them and so we turned on the tv and tried to just chill. I wanted to celebrate America a little, and hopefully ease the whining so we went outback and lit some sparklers with the girls. Finally…ten minutes of unbridled joy…until…in one swooping gesture - my 3 yr. old swung her sparkler so hard she released the fiery stick into the air! In slow motion, I watched with horror as it narrowly missed lighting her sister’s hair on fire. In a flash, I darted to the yard and picked up the still burning sparkler. I was about to yell, to march toward her and lecture about the dangers of an open flame, when all I could do was shake my head, sigh, and exhale a train of snickers. As I made eye contact with my husband…the giggles just increased. Ahhhhh, yes…the turmoil of parenting, the utter comedy of it all!

I found the lightness in the moment. I challenge you to look for the laughter. Create it. Share it. Embrace it. Laughter is worth living for!

My suggestions:

-          Ask “Alexa” to tell you a funny joke.

-          When you talk to someone on the phone, instead of asking “What’s new?” ask “What’s the funniest thing you’ve had happen lately?”

-          Jam out and dance with ridiculous moves! No alcohol required. Bonus points if you randomly challenge someone to a dance off.

-          Need a midday break? Visit YouTube and type in “funny animal videos” or something similar.

-          “Flinch” on Netflix! OMG my hubby and I were in tears laughing!

-          Lay on the floor. Have someone lay his/her head on your belly, then start with one loud “Ha” then add on…”HaHahahah”. Watch how the fake laughs transcend into real laughter as your heads bob up and down.

-          Type “comedy” into Pandora and you will get a bunch of comedians doing 2-5 minute sketches.

-          Look up some “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” via old Saturday Night Live episodes.

My home is a haven. My home is a claustrophobic box. My home is where I work, play, laugh, cry, scream, sleep, eat, and drink…I definitely drink here! 😉 Some days my house feels stable, other days it feels like an earthquake is shaking its foundation.

We’ve all spent A LOT more time at home these past few weeks – the outside world swirling out of control around us, while we try to stick to controlling the square footage we inhabit. If you’re anything like my husband, then DIY projects have been looming in your brain for weeks on end.  By controlling his physical space, his emotional space becomes more grounded. Ta-da…we have a new front porch! 😊 As a person who was constantly on the go, I’m now re-teaching myself how to relax (since my little girls are trying to erase all my sanity with their whining and crying). But one thing that I know, amongst all the uncertainty of the world, my house, my home has “good bones” and because of that “the rest don’t matter.”

I’m fortunate, though my life isn’t perfect, I don’t have to worry about extreme circumstances shattering my home, my family (*knock on wood). On the days when I feel frazzled and up to my eyeballs in work or drowning in child induced exhaustion, I worry that my home isn’t enough. I worry that my marriage, love, support, guidance, and efforts…just aren’t strong enough to make my home withstand the winds of change. But I know that at its core, my home is a place founded on possibilities and growth. My home is a place (even when my husband and I disagree) built on a steadfast, everyday kind of love. It’s not a glamorous “Lifestyles of the Rick and Famous” kind of home. That wouldn’t suit my personality one bit. My home is evolving daily, but at the cornerstone you will find unwavering love.

My long-time friend just purchased her first single-family home. Watching her eyes glow as she talked about moving in with her dogs and having her own yard, showed me how important having a “home” truly is. This friend and I grew up down the street from one another as little kids, and now in our 30’s as we are molding our houses into true homes - ones full of laughter, friendship, and love. Even if we are creating these homes hundreds of miles apart, we are making sure our “bones” are good…the rest - the miles between us, stress, invisible viruses, turmoil - “don’t matter.” Our homes are where are our hearts rest every night, and our homes are the place where we launch every goal we pursue each morning.

One year ago, I felt lost. I was struggling with roadblocks in my career and various personal attacks directed at my family and friends. One year ago, I was seeking an outlet. My husband’s career switches, my daughter’s anxiety, my aunt’s cancer, my friends’ integrity, and even more friends’ relationship turmoil…all carried a weight of sadness and oppression upon my days. The outlet I stumbled across, one year ago, was the simple act of journaling.

As an English teacher, I write all the time for my students - giving them sentence stems or modeling an essay structure.  I’ve created countless graphic organizers and worksheets to support learning, but the writing is almost always direct and objective.  Rarely, as an adult, did I write for myself…that was of course until about one year ago.  

When I was a little girl, I loved writing in a diary. I’d find a hiding spot in the corner of my room and write about a secret crush or a classroom party. Then, I would take great care to find the best place to stash my diary so that my nosey brother wouldn’t see the intricate details of my strikingly average life. Over the years, as a grown-up, the idea of writing became a task, a duty, a job requirement. Yet, one year ago, as ideas and emotions were racing through my body at sometimes lightning speed, I was able to find a pen and an old marble notebook. I began my mornings reflecting on quotes and biblical verses in order to calm my mind and heart. I wasn’t worried about spelling or punctuation. I was just letting the pen take hold of my soul and guide me.

As the year progressed, I traded in the marble notebook for a fancy journal with gold-trimmed edging and an elastic string clasp – a birthday gift from my mom. Now, writing has become a therapeutic and liberating gift I have given to myself. And I share my gift with others by taking my journaling into the digital world via my blog survivethriveandfeelalive on Tumblr.com.  I’ve found that sometimes there are things beyond our control, but I’ve also found that I can control my emotions, reactions, and overall aura through the fluid strokes of a pen on crisp white paper. Then the stems of those words sprout into my blog entries. I hope that that my words have brought others comfort and inspiration they way they have done so for me.

This past year has taught me a lot about gifts and gratitude. Sometimes physical gifts can make our day – a new outfit or a bottle of wine. But sometimes you can gift yourself a moment in time, a slice of comfort, some peace of mind. How can you embrace all the gifts in your life? Gratitude. A life of gratitude is a full life. The next time I journal I’ll be reflecting on the following gifts:

(1.) A strength of mine for which I am grateful for is…

(2.) Something money can’t buy that I’m grateful for is…

(3.) Something that comforts me that I’m grateful for is…

(4.) Something that’s funny for which I am grateful for is…

(5.) Something in nature that I’m grateful for is…

(6.) A memory I’m grateful for is…

(7.) Something that constantly changes that I’m grateful for is…

(8.) A challenge I am grateful for is…

(9.) Something interesting, that tests my knowledge and skills, for which I’m grateful for is…

(10.) Something beautiful that I’m grateful for is…

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.” –  George R.R. Martin

Since discovering this quote a few years back, it’s become a sort of mantra of mine. I share it with my students at the beginning of every school year – This is WHY I’m here kids…this is WHY YOU ARE HERE! I mean, think about it, if we live inside our own world – our own bubble – and never experience the world from another’s perspective, what kind of life is that? It’s a linear, somewhat predictable train…a train that never stops to immerse in the scenery or chat with fellow passengers. A life full of literature - full of reading - is one that is multi-dimensional and intriguing. It’s a train with a million routes to follow and numerous settings to explore. Reading, my friends, is a gateway drug. It’s exhilarating and enriching.

Right now, thanks to Covid-19 many people are stuck inside…itching for outdoor adventures, parties, restaurants, etc. etc. etc. And many of us are reading…reading up on the frightening news, reading up on ways to teach our confused and cranky children, reading up on “worse case scenarios” as the disease spreads. Well, here’s my advice – grab a book. Literature. A story where perhaps there is a “happily ever after” because sometimes we need to escape, to wander, to dream and that’s what good can exist. Books can do that for people. They bring life into the stillness of a room. I love curling up with a book and a blanket. I’ve spent time with Isabelle as she helps save the lives of others during WWII* and I’ve traveled on a raft down the Mississippi River with Huck and Jim*, watching their friendship grow. You see, these books come to life every time someone new lays eyes on their pages. The characters’ lives help us as we navigate anxiety, love, loss, compassion, friendship…the list goes on...

I’m not saying you should live a life full of fictitious friends and ridiculous illusions – I’m saying it’s okay to soak up the words, let them resonate, and expand your mind and emotions. Get lost, escape in a book.  We can drive ourselves crazy reading news (fake or otherwise), political rantings, or even home school curriculum guides. Absorb the pages of a good story and remind yourself that all stories are connected. In our journeys we gain strength and understanding by reflecting on the places, people¸ and situations we encounter – whether they are real or mere reveries of the stories we have read.

*The Nightingale by: Kristin Hannah

How long is your to-do list? Mine is never-ending. There’s the physical – grocery shop, pick up prescription, drive kids to gymnastics, buy and send a birthday card. All of these are self-inflicted, loving gestures that I willingly attend to for my family and friends. Then there’s my emotional to-do list – pray for patience, conference with another educator about a troubled student, build up my own kids with positive praise, try to plan the best lesson to engage my disengaged students, leave a note to show my husband and little girls how much I love them. All of these are self-inflicted, loving gestures that I willingly embrace for others and for myself. My mind is constantly racing with “What’s next?” This question looms in the corners of my brain and my heart. So, here’s my biggest challenge, the most difficult, but most desirable to-do list item – rest!

I’m like most, I can’t wait for the end of the workweek and the exhilarating elixir of Friday afternoon. The weighted fog of the daily grind lessens, if just for a few hours, and I can’t wait to breathe a little easier. Next step? Make plans. What’s for dinner? Are we hanging out with friends tonight? What laundry needs to get done? Who’s taking the girls to their friend’s birthday party? It’s never-ending. Don’t get me wrong, I love to crush a few adult beverages with my friends and watch the joy on my kids’ faces as they run around during a play date, but where is the rest? The silence? The ease of just living?

Last week, in typical fashion, I left work frazzled after dealing with a particularly rambunctious class and thought I’d run a few errands before picking up my kids from the bus and daycare. With my mind still reeling from my students, I made it in and out of two stores, only to pull out of my parking space and completely demolish the front bumper of the car parked next to me. I lost it! I bawled like a baby. I was overwhelmed and my brain wasn’t in a clear place, so what happened? An accident. A careless accident. I’m thankful the woman whose car I hit was very understanding, but I couldn’t help but feel awful as I began to write the next to-list in my head. Who do I need to call? How much will this cost? How will I get to work next week? If I can _________ then maybe the kids can still go to _____________? My scattered brain and heart were now tied up in even more chaos. Not only did I complicate this woman’s life, but also mine. I just made my to-do list even longer!

Rest. The answer is rest.

Silence. Space without distractions. Quiet time. Peace. Meditation. Prayer. Ease.

I don’t need to run three different errands in less than hour before picking up my kids. I don’t need to attend every friend gathering. Fear of missing out – FOMO – can just take a hike! I don’t need to get to “zero inbox” in my work email. I don’t need to try and save every student who walks into my classroom.

Because…if I just rest, the world of  will continue to turn. If I just rest, others will step into my space and the to-do list will get done because our collective energy will converge into something powerful and strong. If I just rest, I will be able to clear my mind and approach life with ease and greater understanding.

I used to be a coach. As a former athlete, coaching was my way to “stay in the game” and feel the “heat of competition” after my high school and college playing days were done. I gave it my all. I played and coached through physical pain, emotional roller-coasters, and straight-up downpours. But I continued to play, grow, and learn because I refused to be stagnant. I refused to back down. I loved the natural high that came with stepping foot on a freshly groomed field.

I gave up athletic coaching the year after my first daughter was born. I was exhausted. I wasn’t home for 12+ hours a day and barely got any snuggle time with my little one. I was torn in opposite directions and something had to give – I had to shift my mindset and playing field to focus on a new challenge: parenthood.  Any athlete will tell you though, when walking away from a sport, they feel like they’ve lost a part of themselves and I was no different.  It wasn’t until years later that I realized that coaching doesn’t just occur in sports arenas – it’s a lifestyle. And I’m surrounded by coaches: young, old, athletic, professional, parental, spiritual and worldly. When I thought my coaching days were done…I didn’t realize that coaching would always be in me; it would just manifest in atypical ways.

I read something by author Mathew Kelly, that sent electricity through my bones. That as coaches, encouragers, and supporters we must not only give sound direction to others, but also “consider how we [ourselves] respond when we are corrected. Do we respond humbly and accept correction as an opportunity to become a-better-version-of-ourselves? Or do we hang on pridefully to our old selves?” You see, we all need to sit down once in awhile and let others lead. My two little daughters have taught me a lot about patience and joy, when I thought at one point, I could’ve told you plenty about those two things. And yet, they taught me more. They became my coaches, my teachers.  I’m a National Board Certified Teacher, I know a lot about education, but I’ve got friends and colleagues who teach me about my craft every day. If it weren’t for most of them, I would’ve given up and thrown in the towel years ago.  As a wife, I have a husband who knows how to love deeply and unconditionally and can construct built-in cabinetry to boot! I’d have to say he’s taught me a few things over the years as well. He’s encouraged me in times of uncertainty and been my sounding board when I needed level-headed advice.

I love coaching, but I’ve come to realize I really love to be coached. I want to soak up knowledge. I want to learn new strategies and techniques. I want to grow! I want mentors in my life that see my potential and ignite the fire inside of me.

To a teacher or student, a snow delay on a school day is a gift – a chance to slow down, sleep in, catch up on work, sit and enjoy breakfast and coffee before heading into the craziness of the day. It’s a reprieve from the routine that can sometimes be mundane or strenuous. Ask any teacher or student and those old enough to tell you will say that sometimes school feels like Bill Murray’s life in “Groundhog’s Day” – reliving the same structure and expectations as we respond to a bell that rings every 80 minutes. We are Pavlov’s dogs, trained to instruct, move, and learn based on predetermined benchmarks. We are conditioned to live a certain way, within certain time constraints, but when a snow delay upsets the status quo…oh how teachers and students alike rejoice!

But delays to others are a nuisance. Finding last minute daycare for your kids is a huge headache for parents whose schedules don’t bend and flex with Mother Nature. Delays in general can suspend the flow of life, slow down our momentum, or stop us short of reaching our goals or completing our to-do lists. For instance, a delayed flight…brings you home later than expected increasing your exhaustion. A traffic delay while driving to work…makes you late for a very important business meeting and open to an attack from an irate boss. A delayed Amazon delivery…leaves you disheartened and empty handed as you head to a birthday party. All inconveniences, all nuisances, but what if they aren’t…what if…like the snow delays for teachers and students, these delays are actually small gifts?!

For example, my husband is scheduled to start new job in 2020! Our family is very excited for this new opportunity, what we weren’t excited for was a delayed paycheck. You see, his start date is further away than anticipated; we are down to a single income for a while. Beings it’s over the holiday season when cash flows from our wallets like Niagara Falls, it feels kind of like a punch to the gut! Yet, maybe…just maybe, it’s a gift and not a sucker-punch. He gets to be home with the kids and me for a few weeks; he gets to slow down his pace, recharge, and soak in the joys of the holiday season with his family. Money, though it tends to make the world go around, does not make the heart full they way quality time with loved ones can.

A delayed flight may give you more “me” time to meditate, journal, or binge on a Netflix show or podcast you’ve been dying to break into – a gift! A traffic delay – a gift – a chance to call a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. A delayed delivery– a gift – chance to write a handwritten note/card to show that special someone that their birthday is truly a reason to celebrate life; a new toy or sweater can’t convey that kind of love.

“A cheerful giver does not count the cost of what he gives.” – Julian of Norwich

The approaching holiday season is an exciting and magical time. Sipping warm beverages by a fireplace, giggling kids rolling in leaf piles, and Christmas cards arriving via snail mail from friends and family who live hours away. The surge of love is amplified as it echoes from every corner of our homes and neighborhoods. As the season of giving waltzes into our lives I’ve started reflecting on all the things I am thankful for, and all of the things that I have been able to give others this past year – the key here is that these things have nothing to do with money.        

Donate “x” amount of cash to this charity, buy “x” to support “z”…but the thing is that you can’t put a price on the spirit of giving. I’ll admit it openly, I’m a very frugal person. I count every penny and calculate the best deals. I never buy anything unless I have a coupon or it’s on sale. So, during the holiday season when people ask you to put money towards a good cause…I have to be particular and thoughtful with my donations. I don’t participate in every “jeans day” at work because if I did, my own family would take a financial hit. In order to be a “cheerful giver” I’ve had to reevaluate. Time, effort, and thought are the best gifts you can ever give to others. I’m not knocking a good monetary donation to a worthy cause – but I’m saying that giving money, counting that “cost” is not fulfilling when it stands alone.

Recently, a co-worker and I gave a few hours of our time to hand out candy at an inclusive trick-or-treat event. The glowing faces of children with their family and friends – this was a gift not only for them, but for us as well. Our time, effort, and thought were powerful! We left that night knowing that good cheer comes from the warmth and positive spirits of those around us. Our own kids witnessed this chain reaction of kindness and I will be forever grateful for the happiness I could share with my own daughter, my friends, and perfect strangers.

This past week I also got my nails done with a girlfriend. She offered to pay for my manicure because she had a gift card. I was humbled and appreciative as I never really spend money to pamper myself. But the real gift that she gave me was her time. As busy moms we lose sight of being ourselves without a clinging child hanging from our hips. My friend and I took a couple of hours to talk about life and meander the little local shops in our downtown district. This precious time was an amazing gift.

Everything – every interaction in life - must have an element of human connection. In some way, shape or form we must interact with the people around us. When I hear people say, “It’s not personal, it’s business.” I can’t help but think of it as an excuse – an easy out – that allows people to try to ease the pain of bad news. Or it’s an excuse to be mean and dismissive, but that’s not how the world should work.

Sometimes the data shows (like the grades my students earn) that a person has failed – but this is just business, right? Just numbers…cut and dry…right? – Wrong! That kid may be crushed, or that employee may be dejected, that patient who receives lab test results may be confused – the data is concrete, but our hearts and souls are impressionable and delicate.  So, it’s that conversation, that explanation, that deep dive into the “WHY” and “HOW’ that will help morph a complex situation into a learning experience with a chance for growth in the future. A face to face conference with a student, employee, patient, or neighbor down the street may be the determining factor between a defeatist attitude and a perseverant one.

An honest conversation between two people is a dying art. I challenge you not to let that art dwindle.

In my classroom, a quick chat with one of my students and a note of encouragement could be the turning for him/her.  From scraping by to thriving, perhaps they will not hate or dismiss everything I teach them – instead they will rise to the occasion and pursue growth. In the world of business, people make decisions all the time that “rob Peter to pay Paul” and don’t worry about cutting the bottom line. But sometimes these people forget that their choices may harm their employees. What if that employee loses their ability to pay his/her mortgage based on budget cuts? A concrete disaster, but at the same time the employer is also truncating another human being’s self-worth. When people claim that “It’s not personal, it’s business.” I call bullshit! I get that tough decisions must be made for companies to survive, but if we don’t lend one another some compassion and a face to face conversation that explains the uncomfortable intricacies of our daily jobs – then our humanity will not survive.

Ever get that feeling like you’re talking to a brick wall? You text a direct question to someone – no response. You leave a voicemail – no response. You send out a party invitation – no response. You ask your child for the 5th time “What would you like for breakfast?” – no response. You get the idea. Sometimes silence isn’t golden – it’s frustrating as hell!

I’m a planner, an includer, and I like to know what I’m doing on a Saturday afternoon so I can get logistics set. For example, what food needs to be packed for the pool, what chore or errand can I get done before we leave, etc. As a young, twenty-something I didn’t care so much. I’d be more spontaneous and jump at any opportunity to go hit the town, but as a thirty-something mom – oh, how times have changed. I read the day carefully…When will my kids meltdown? Do I have snacks and extra clothes packed? If we do __X__, will __Y__ occur? So when people don’t RSVP, don’t establish a timeframe, or when my kids don’t respond to my eighth plea to put your freakin shoes on and go to the bathroom so we can leave…I lose it!

Or take work for example. An email or a phone call…it may be very important to the sender/caller, but if the receiver ignores it? The ball gets dropped, penalties are thrown, sidelines are in an uproar, and the whole game could go up in flames.  All you have to do is respond. “I’ll get back to you soon.” – “No thanks, I can’t help out right now.” – “Sure, I’ll get those details to you by the end of the day tomorrow.” You see…that one RSVP could make the world of difference between someone’s productivity or sanity and lack thereof.

“When was the last time, you did something for the first time?” – Darius Rucker

First kiss, first concert, first road trip…over the course of my life I’ve experienced a lot of “firsts”, but as we get older the demands of adulting and parenting loom over our heads.  We tend to get stuck in the mundane, the status quo, the daily grind. I don’t know about you, but I hate the idea of feeling “stuck”. Yes, every day is a gift and I’m grateful for all the weekends at the pool cooking out with friends…but as the song goes, “When was the last time, you did something for the first time?”

This summer I watched in awe as my daughters experienced some of their “firsts” – first minor league baseball game, first ride on a bike without training wheels, first lost tooth, first hike into a cave, among other things. Their trepidation and excitement shook each moment and I couldn’t help but smile. I was experiencing some “firsts” – as a parent. Watching the little people in my life light up at the thought of exploring the crisp, cold underground of a cave or viewing the wrinkled brow of worry plastered all over my six-year old’s face as she contemplated how the tooth fairy would be able to find her tooth if it fell out of her bed while she slept – these moments were priceless - “firsts” for all of us.

What’s your jam? That melody…that beat…that takes your heart and warms it through to the core?  The rhythm that makes your feet tap or your soul sing?  Music is the thread that ties together our milestones and challenges – the last dance at prom, our first dance as a married couple, the break-up tune speaking to our heartache, and the “Amazing Grace” beckoning a loved one home to heaven. Music can take ahold of our daily lives and help us celebrate and honor the beauty of it all.

I wouldn’t be “me” without music. And, if you examine your own life…I’m sure your personal soundtrack could tell the world all it needs to know about the real you.  Good music – no matter the genre – has always been able to put a spring in my step, a smile on my face, and an imaginary microphone in the palm of my hand. A good friend of mine used to call me “Radio” because I somehow managed to know the lyrics to so many different songs – always pumping up the volume and rolling the windows down, letting the spirit of the music flow through the car while cruising on the backroads of my hometown.  And as you grow older, your music preferences may morph, but one thing remains true – we are all moved by music and its enchanting ability to define a moment in time.

I remember as a kid sitting up all night with my brother on New Year’s Eve to try to tape off the radio the top 100 songs of the past year. I remember jamming to the Beatle’s “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” in my best friend’s basement until we had memorized interpretive dance moves for each lyric and beat.  I can tell and you that Matchbox 20, N’ Sync, and Good Charlotte take me back to high school and college – freedom and energy pumping through my veins. My first concert and my first attempt at bad karaoke happened alongside these artists. The memories that flood into my mind based on one lyric takes to me to a true place of joy. In college, my true love for country music grew roots – Tim McGraw, Toby Keith, and Rascal Flatts stood by me through love and loss.

Recently, I hit the pause button on my 30-something mommy life and took a deep dive into music – a rejuvenating vacation from playing the role of parental referee and sous chef.  First up, a Thomas Rhett “pop-country “concert; the experience did not disappoint! With a frozen $15 margarita in my hand, and my hubby and great friends by my side, we danced and sang the night away.  Live music has this uncanny ability to make you feel ALIVE…in those moments thousands of people swarmed together, disgusting sweat and all, and pure joy permeated the arena. A few days later, I was transported back in time as my hubby and I explored the rap and R&B rhythms of the musical Hamilton. History, sex, romance, revolution, political turmoil, and family…brought to life on stage through the passion of the people who dedicate their lives to the cultural arts. As each song snowballed into the next, compassion and understanding unraveled before the eyes of the audience – that history is not one-sided, it is full of varying motivations and perspectives.

For what feels like the 1,000th time in the past few years, I put on my “power” outfit and stepped into an interview room, ready to be judged by those sitting at the other end of the table. You see…I firmly believe that if you change nothing, nothing will change.  So, I’ve spent my time and energy over the past few years putting myself “out there”, educating myself, improving myself, taking on new endeavors, in order to grow professionally.  But, when the other people sitting across from you at an interview table are judging everything from your hair, to your philosophy on education, to your communication style, they don’t always get to see the changes you’ve made and the progress you’ve charted.  In approximately 30 minutes, they decided whether I checked all the boxes on their rubric.  And yet again, I came up short…in their eyes.

This whole process is utterly exhausting – growth and the pursuit of it. Writing and rewriting my resume, planning mock professional development, reading material supporting the potential job switch, and rehearsing my responses to hypothetical interview questions – this pursuit has left me blurry-eyed in front of my computer screen many days and nights. Sometimes I would find myself mulling over the best word to describe my leadership skills, only to return to my original wording hours later.  Here’s the thing…at times I’ve tried so hard to complete their rubric and fit into their idea of a picture-perfect employee. What I’ve found…that as they judge, I have come to embrace my own quirks and imperfections.  If I tracked my life based on their rubric I would be constantly grappling with my imperfections. So, I decided to flip my mindset - rewrite the rubric!

My husband’s new managing director asked him to sit down and write out two personal goals, two professional goals, and two financial goals…then he suggested that my hubby should come home and work through these goals with me. The fact that his boss is working with him and offered up the importance of working on these goals with his spouse – mind blowing! There are people out their who will, rather than demand you fit into their rubric – help you grow so that you become the best version of yourself. On a six-hour car ride home from vacation, my husband and I shared our goals. We are still working through the logistics, but the idea that growth is in his hands, in my hands - I feel like we get to rewrite the rubric and choose the destiny that best fits our family.

I may not have obtained the professional titles I’ve been seeking over the past few years or given the perfect “cookie-cutter” answers others were seeking at the interview table, but it doesn’t mean that the challenges they’ve presented me haven’t taught me anything.

I’ve committed to myself over the past few months to “Seek Joy” – a mantra I’ve adopted that has reminded to me to slow down, open my eyes, and soak in the beauty of this crazy life. In order to “Seek Joy” in life, you don’t need to hop on a plane and go somewhere tropical where people serve you little umbrella drinks (though I did do this, and it was an awesome break from the daily grind). Joy doesn’t have to be an extensively planned, bank-breaking set of concert tickets or an all-inclusive vacation – joy can be found in random, fleeting moments.  You don’t always need to actively pursue joy and go do something; being present in your daily life is what will fill your cup. Joy can and will find you, if you are receptive to it, recognize it, and embrace it.

Recently, I walked into a bar expecting to have a drink with my fellow teacher warriors to celebrate the end of strenuous school year when behold…someone I hadn’t seen in over a year was sipping a beverage at the corner of the bar.  I immediately announced her name so that all could hear and like a giddy little five-year-old on Christmas morning, I ran right up to her and gave her a warm hug.  Not one of those elbow-wide, double pat, fake-ass “Good to see you,” hugs – no, this was a real hug, accompanied with ear to ear smiles and about an hour of genuine “How are you?” conversation. With attentive ears, we laughed and chatted about what we’d been up to over the past few months. This – this, my friends is true joy! We embraced it together and rode the high of that moment for all its worth.

A week later, I left to go on family vacation to the beach.  Some people may seek boardwalk shopping, ice cream, or carnival rides on a pier. These moments bring joy! For more than a decade, I’ve been traveling to the Outer Banks which is a simple place of surf and sand. Nothing fancy – just time spent with the people I love. This year I watched as my eldest daughter and nephew held hands and jumped the waves…just barely grown up enough to not really need the hand of parents 100% of the time. I was relieved and saddened by their newfound independence, as they are growing up so quickly. Then joy set in as I saw my nephew look straight at my daughter and exclaim, “This is awesome!” and they giggled and fell to the ground as a wave swept their legs out from underneath them. The joy radiated from their faces and shot straight through my bones – pure bliss. We didn’t stop mid-fun to snap a photograph, my heart and my mind hold every drop of this simple joy-filled moment.

INTEGRITY synonyms: honesty; uprightness; honor; upstanding; good character, principle(s), ethics, or morals; righteousness; virtue; decency; fairness; scrupulousness; sincerity; truthfulness; trustworthiness

Integrity – something you can spend years building and yet one moment, one person, can crush what you’ve tried so hard to uphold…how is that fair? I know, I know… “Life isn’t fair,” but when all that is good, honest, thoughtful, kind, genuine and real about a person is washed away because an ignorant or even vindictive soul tries to challenge that integrity, how can we overcome that?

It breaks my heart to watch a world full of individuals who do not see that their words and actions have a ripple effect. For example, a colleague challenges a decision made at work, a point of contention is blown out of portion, and a mark, a letter, a stain is then left on that individual’s permanent record. When years have been spent completing meticulous work, volunteering for committees, and making the business itself run more efficiently, this one moment drags this individual into the mud.  I would venture to say that most of us will spend 80% of our lives at work, so it is inevitable that when something (positive or negative) occurs there, the rest of our world will be tossed about like a ship at sea.  This individual hasn’t just had his/her work challenged – this person’s entire existence has now been brought into question. If something negative happens at work does this also mean that his/her reputation as a parent, a spouse, a friend, a coach, a volunteer, etc. has also been smeared with mud? Perception weighs heavy in today’s society, as we are constantly analyzing the world around us…and once our integrity as been challenged, how can others ever really look at us the same again? How can we ever look at ourselves the same again?

And, it doesn’t end there. The ripple effect continues. When we watch our friends’, our family’s, and our colleagues’ integrity being stripped from them, and we get weak in the knees, we cry, we scramble to pick of the pieces of it all and try to develop some kind of contingency plan to get us all through the next week, month, or even year. And we do this because we love them with every inch of our being – we would never abandon these true and genuine people in our lives. Their triumphs are our triumphs; their pain is our pain.

A colleague just recently sent out an email to the staff asking if anyone of us would like to judge a “Shark Tank” competition in her classroom. I love the show and volunteered to lay down judgement upon some of her students’ innovations. I’m going step into Mark Cuban’s and Mr. Wonderful’s shoes and seek out the strengths and weaknesses of their presentations – backing some ideas while casting others aside.

Life is that shark tank, don’t you think? Pitching ideas out into the universe, hoping they fly, and praying you won’t crash and burn.  Taking calculated risks allows us to cut through all the B.S. and get real, not just with others, but also with ourselves. Daring enough to put your ideas into motion – that’s true courage! Afterall, “failure only becomes defeat if we allow it to do so.”

I interviewed for a new job recently - taking a leap of faith and jumping out of my comfort-zone. I didn’t get the position, but the beauty lays in the attempt – the attempt to change my trajectory and send my life (and my family’s life) into a new, great unknown. I found out later that I was one of the top three candidates and really impressed the interview panel. Yet, even though my efforts were strong, I wasn’t the right fit for the job. So…I evolve, reflect, and prepare myself to take more calculated risks.