Me before I came out, when I did pageants and modeling.

This was me the day of my junior prom. The dress weighed around 20 lbs, was the first one I tried on, and my makeup was done by someone who still thought brown lip liner looked good on white people. I spent the entire day being photographed and generally hating how I looked and wishing I could figure out why, when everything was technically perfect.

Came out in 2016, here's nine years of transformation (in reverse order, sorry)

Turns out I'm neither a Normal Guy nor a woman, but a much weirder type of faggy masc thing.

In my lifestyle lolita egg era. Somehow getting to dress like a princess gave me the will to get up in the morning

granted being a big ol goth doesn't really fit the bill of "socially acceptable heterosexual femininity" but i was HYPER feminine when i was closeted, especially in the years between when i FIRST tried to come out (age 16 - around the time of those first photos) and when i actually made the jump (age 19 - about a year after the last photo)

you can tell in that second to last photo i literally got a tattoo that said "MAD GIRL" which was an exercise in many things, including abstract self-harm, a visual reminder that i had given up on myself, and wildly underestimating the number of dudes who would misread it as BAD GIRL and take that as a cue to say gross shit to me while i was at work

anyway never kill yourself

haha yeah 🫣

consciously dipped my toes into the gender fuckery pool at around 15/16 but I was pentecostal at the time and well. took them out real quick

i tried very very hard to be “femme” for a LONG time but during covid lockdowns I didn’t have to perform for anyone and I slowly started to let it all go and now I’m a silly little man 😌

tried SO HARD to be feminine and dress in pinks and flowy materials and keep my hair long and evidently it did not work (was ~17 in these)

vs now at 22 and still pre-everything but im my most authentic self and it feels great

Proboscis Bat Rhynchonycteris naso

It is found from southern Mexico to Belize, Peru, Venezuela, Bolivia and Brazil, as well as in Trinidad. The bats are nocturnal, sleeping during the day in an unusual formation: most of them line up, one after another, on a branch or wooden beam, nose to tail, in a straight row.

In the photo, the two bats on the lower left are carrying young.

1. Fist: Make a fist around the epi-pen, don’t place your thumb/fingers over either end

2. Flick the blue cap off

3. Fire. Press down into the outer thigh (the big muscle in there), hold for 10 seconds before removing (the orange cap will cover the needle). Bare skin is best but the epi-pen will go through clothing. Avoid pockets and seams. 

It doesn’t hurt much at all to use this needle. The first time I used mine, I didn’t even feel it. But be sure to stab it IN THE OUTER THIGH. Do not stick it anywhere else or you could seriously hurt or kill someone. Just right to the outside of the thigh and then call the ambulance - even if your friend starts doing better, they could have a biphasic reaction, meaning a reaction that comes back (or they may need a second dose, be on the look out). If your friend has an epipen, then they have an epipen trainer that doesn’t have a needle and you can try it out just to be sure you know how to use the real thing if you have to. I’d also advise holding it a few more seconds then 10, maybe go for 14 just to be sure all the medicine is administered and that you didn’t count too fast - that’s what I did.

Here’s a graphic of where to stick it:

The suspiciously hungry and round bug:

10 People You'd Like to Know Better

Last Song - Blind by Swans

Favourite colours - it's always been blue, but I almost exclusively wear black, white and red.

Watching - I'm not really a TV or series person, but the last thing I watched was Spectral Tranquility by the incredibly talented Kevin Casciani Nolan. I've also been trying to get my partner to watch Twin Peaks with me as they've never seen it and I'm down for my fourth watch through.

Currently Reading - A Fig for All the Devils by C.S Fritz & The Category of Sex (collection of essays) by Monique Wittig

Current Obsession - It sounds extremely silly, but Aquabeads. The little bead things made of PVA that stick together when you spray them with water. My professional and personal lives have been overwhelmingly stressful thus far this year and genuinely the only thing I've found that calms me down is slowly arranging these little beads. I've also been making portraits from buttons inspired by the work of Lisa Kokin, just for fun.

Currently Working On - various items for a show of traditional handwork this summer

Last Google Search - "Kim Fowley", I had forgotten when he passed and it came up in conversation today

Current Desktop/Phone Wallpaper - My laptop is just the default that it came with because I spend no time looking at it, and my phone background is Hangyodon as my whole phone is themed around him.

Last song - Walk Talk Madly by 54-40

Favourite colours- I like orange a lot. There's one specific shade of it that my friends have taken to calling Len Orange on account of how much I use it in art. Orange is a good colour with good associations. Solid as hell.

watching- watching RGU for the first time. Far too late for a self proclaimed anime and yuri enjoyer but it's very enjoyable so far. Shockingly good soundtrack also!

Currently reading- ... nothing?? Finished raising steam (discworld) recently. If webcomics count, I'm finishing off a Guilded Age reread. And making slow progress on a CRFH!!! Reread. At this point I think the strip'll be over before I finish it. I'm still on 2002.

Current obsession- I've been reworking designs for uhm. The next point, and it's so fun. I dress exactly the same as I did when I started work on these fuckers but I understand, like, the human body/xenobiology/alt fashion way more now and I DO feel like it's coming through.

Some of you (Cartridge fan discord folks + some friends) have seen the first page of it. I promise the fun aliens will come soon.

6. Well, uhm. That. Halfway through thumbnailing the SECOND PAAAGE!!!

7. 'hand holding gun'. Wanted a reference image for something also relating to that comic. Well, specifically its site but ykwim.

8. My phone wallpaper is a piece I drew to celebrate the end of the Sluggy Freelance chapter 'monstrous'. That was... last august?

I still like it quite a bit, even if I would've done it differently nowadays. The spot colour is fun.

1. Last Song - Negro y Azul: The Ballad of Heisenberg (this slaps so hard)

2. Favorite colors - I absolutely love any shade of blue! Jewel tone, powder blue, aquamarine, all of them. I really really like red too, especially in darker or richer tones!

(Btw I can agree, orange is a solid color)

3. Watching - The brittish tv show Spotless! Tbh I just started it bc I wanted to see Liam Garrigan being a slimy horrible type of guy, but it’s actually so good!! I wasn’t expecting it and by now I’m completely invested in the plot, love to hate the Divorce Brothers (btw one of them is the guy hiding the Jewish family in the beginning of Inglorious Basterds, he’s a great actor)

(RGU IS SO GOOD DUDE!!!! In which part are you?? I’ll rewatch it with a friend next week too)

4. Currently reading - “The black agent as a factor of the Brazilian modernization” by Roberto Conduru, currently as in ‘I’m on my 5 min break of reading it’. Really short article and really really worth the read!! It touches on how black people were important to the modernization of brazilian arts in the beginning of the 20th century, predating the Art History Cannon of the Exposition of 22 being the first glimmer of brazilian modern art.

5. Current obsession - I’m really into The Terror TV show rn!!! Been reading a bit about the real expedition too, watching some interviews and documentaries, and will soon start to read that book on human survival on extreme places, can’t really remember the name now. Would also really like to read the one about the letters!! May We Meet Again on Gods Land I think? I have it all written down, so no worries for me. This also entails me getting back to sewing historical clothes!! I got this gorgeous vest pattern from the 1850s and as soon as I have the right fabric I’ll start right away!

6. Currently working on - Reading the previously mentioned article and some illustrations! It’s been a while since I’ve finished something I’m truly proud of, so I hope these turn out well.

7. Last Google Search - “Algoze meaning”, which apparently means “executioner”, from the previously mentioned article, I do not know many words

8. Current desktop/phone wallpaper - My phone has the beautifully illustrated drawing of Herbert West by @jadenvargen as wallpaper and my desktop has the image of Gilbert Cocteau getting shot in the arm by an arrow, one of my favorite Gilbert illustrations by Keiko Takemiya!

1. Last Song - Brick Shithouse by Placebo. In context of Reanimator this is like Megan Halseys song to me.

2. Favourite colours - Many different purples.

3. Watching - The last thing I watched was season 2 of Fionna and Cake but I'm still trying to get through the last seasons of Babylon 5 and Stargate Sg1. I've been saying this for months.

4. Currently reading - Nothin

5. Current obsession - Replaying/finally trying to finish cyberpunk 2077 I guess that counts. The real obsession rn is like Farscape but I don't have clipstudio open and I'm not reading any fanfics (because I've read them all T.T) so it's on the back burner.

6. Currently working on - Nothing rn :( I'm in gaming mode so no drawing for now. I get hyper focused on one thing. I've been wanting to do a pinup nurse harvey though.

7. Last Google Search - I don't use google anymore. There's more than one search engine and yes I'm going to be annoying about it. Why don't you free yourself of google by changing to one of the picks here: X Go search up fandom stuff with marginalia you'll find some old asfuck forums it's neat. I Found someones website they made for a farscape con in the early 2000s from there.

8. Current desktop/phone wallpaper - On top of my phone I have three monitors.... ok so we got Scorpius... Scorpius...Cartoon Harvey experiencing major head trauma... Vala mal doran (that one scene of her lounging on a pile of gold)

1. Last Song - I'm Not in Love by Talking Heads, I'm in the middle of a listen of More Song About Buildings and Foods right now ^^

2. Favorite Colors - Green and Orange !

3. Watching - My last movie was Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

4. Currently Reading - Nothing currently...

5. Current Obsession - Jaws. It's all I've been thinking about since January 💔 Also I just saw the movie Miracle Mile (1988) yesterday and I already need to see it again. Sometimes I see a film and it literally feels like they scanned my brain to make it because it's just so perfectly suited to my tastes. Also Heartbeat City by The Cars

6. Currently Working On - Letterboxd lists and movie spreadsheets

7. Last Google Search - The IMDB page for Miracle Mile (1988) to look at the trivia....

8. Current Desktop / Phone Wallpaper - My laptop background is currently Howard Bannister from What's Up, Doc? (1972) crawling around on the floor of his hotel room, and my phone wallpaper is a collage made by friends ^^

tagging @kosmonetic @phibes @mishashairtie @galaxygamer11037 @sonny-whorezik @campcrystal-lake (if you're not interested it's okay!)

Last Song - Eat You Alive by Limp Bizkit

Favourite colours - orange, all sorts of greens but mostly neon green.. yellow, red

Watching - the last movie i watched in full was buffalo 66, but i haven't been watching much TV as of late.

Currently Reading - lord of the rings

Current Obsession - film... all things film

Currently Working On - a short film! i just finished the rough draft of the script

Last Google Search - "when the fajitas come out sizzlin"

Current Desktop/Phone Wallpaper - my laptop wallpaper is pink polka dots, my phone wallpaper is a photo of the modest mouse concert i went to in october!

@curubastrip2002 @bigstinker-oo @dannyelfmanstattos @georgeharrisonsheartsunglasses @dogboycarriebrownstein @desolendate @kadedrowned @renanan88 @vampbeatz @leisconstitution @maydayvampire @camo375 @pornogratastrophe @miku-blue-n-pronouns @yurisoldier400 @freakyolivelady

last song - in my room by julia wolf favorite colors - purple and castleton green watching - currently reading - the dialogue im writing for my game(i havent read a book in forever) current obsession - tomodachi life 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! currently working on - oh lord let me get my comically long scroll. waiting on color guard audition results, video game, graphic novel, not failing my classes, balancing friend drama, recovering from post seussical depression, last google search - "pokemon go buddy heart count" Current Desktop/Phone Wallpaper - my laptop wallpaper is currently and has been that one akito card where hes eating the lollipop. uh. my phone wallpaper is mitski both of them

Last Song - How To Disappear Completely by Radiohead

Favourite colours - Purple!!!!

Watching - i just finished Madoka Magica soo uhhh i guess Vampire knight?

Currently Reading - The Picture Of Dorian Gray. slowly

Current Obsession - My Singing Monsters

Currently Working On - idk?? finishing school lmao

Last Google Search - the unit circle fml.

Current Desktop/Phone Wallpaper- frutiger aero type stuff :)

Last song: makes you happy by holister star

Fav color: teal!

Watching: invincable, salad fingers(again), and walking dead

Reading: tokyo goul

Obsession: idkkkkkkk too many :(

Working on: big bug gift for bf

Last google search: monster m-80

Wallpaper: my handsome boifrennnn @xxneedypupxx

last song -

> played: Your Idol 【it's got koii in a chokehold (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)】

> sung: Butcher Vanity by Vane Lily

favourite colours -

ՙ‎ᑦ‎︡₍    ܿ‎͓   ܿ ‎𓏑‎͓ ⷭ‎ࣺ›𝁑ꪫ opalescent shit and aquamarine!!

˳ᬏ‎̼̮͡۰‎̼̮ཌ‎̼͈𓈒 folly red. and pastel pink

currently watching -

well it was arcane, but that traumatized koii so now we're re-watching ghibli films and bee and puppycat :3

currently reading -

the dictionary of obscure sorrows! it was gege's favorite book before he went dormant, so we've been reading it to him in case he's able to hear us in his coma

current obsession -

ՙ‎ᑦ‎︡₍    ܿ‎͓   ܿ ‎𓏑‎͓ ⷭ‎ࣺ›𝁑ꪫ koii's genderhoard! xe finished it recently, and now xe can't stop LOOKING AT IT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [plain text: looking at it eee /end PT]

˳ᬏ‎̼̮͡۰‎̼̮ཌ‎̼͈𓈒 koii xemself. it always is :}

currently working on -

> creating koii's @sillydoggo-playpen sideblog✩

> and also our unfinished neocities website [has been a little difficult, gege is the one of us who knows how to code :<]

> and also also creating some more kemonomimi-themed kaomoji✩

last web search -

"paracosm" [we don't use google, it's horrible for a multitude of reasons ⟨namely the data collection and selling, generative ai, and cherrypicking search results⟩ our browser is waterfox]

current desktop/phone wallpaper -

the illustration we created of jung hi's eye staring down at the viewer with obsessive love<3

1. Last song -> ✱ by RISK

2. Fav color -> red and pink :)

3. Currently watching -> still haven't finished made in abyss </3

4. Currently reading: watership down!! :D

5. Current obsession: hollow knight, rain world, the backrooms

6. Currently working on: pluralspace and pluralkit

7. Last search: "twink maldito fica me atentando" ("damned twink keeps bothering me").. my beloved vocal stim

8. Current desktop/phone wallpaper: desktop is a screenshot of a rain friday playthrough, and phone is a white screen..... Though our homescreen is customized to have widgets with sunstone art :)

2. fav color - most shades of green (my personal favorites are deep, dark, earthy greens and greenish seafoams/teals)

3. currently watching - https://youtu.be/RICbYFot2mQ?si=uiiTNLQAzwf5LDb3 this long ass video (but in terms of actual shows, i've been meaning to finish this one called centaurworld but haven't really gotten around to it)

4. currently reading: nothing, but i WAS reading a book about bugs that i had to turn in because of the due date

5. current obsession: animals ! i've been thinking about entomology stuff (primarily about my (hopefully) future job as a taxonomist) and axolotls because they're cute

6. currently working on: cleaning my room (i'm lazy as hell)

7. last search: "cdc emergency levels" because a guy i don't like finally started citing sources to his claims instead of spouting random bullshit and i wanted to make sure he was correct (stuff about the hantavirus stuff going on)

8. current desktop/phone wallpaper: my desktop one is an animated version of https://bsky.app/profile/miimows.bsky.social/post/3llhpl2ngqs2o this art from ost apparently ????? i dunno. anddd the lttm poster from the sanshee shop that's extended out with karma symbols that i recreated from a reddit post, for my phone wallpaper

tags:

2. Favorite color: I really love teal-ish colors!

3. Currently watching: Some RTGame as I type this actually lol

4. Currently reading: Nothing actively, but I recently read Strange Houses by Uketsu and it was really good!

5. Current obsession: As much as I'm ashamed to admit it, I've really been enjoying Stray Kids lately 😅

6. Currently working on: Crocheting a baby blanket for a coworker (nominally, I haven't worked on it in nearly a week)

7. Last search: Information on New Game Plus for Lies of P (I started a new run last night, and already have made it past the Scrapped Watchman!)

8. Current Phone Wallpaper:

A cropped version of this collage that @fucknugg3t made for me!

Last song: Mitski - Where's My Phone

Favorite colour: Green as always! 💚

Currently watching: Dinosaur video 🦖

Currently reading: Nothing for now :(

Current obsession: My husband Alty and my son Zeke <3

Currently working on: Crossverse fanfic where Alty and Tami will adopt Zeke :3

Last search: Columbian mammoth 🦣

Current Phone Wallpaper: Photo of Eurasian nuthatch 🐦

1. Last Song: Fancy Sauce by Green Day

2. Favorite Color: Still navy blue :D

3. Currently Watching: The "ER" TV show (yes, still... But now I'm on season 13 out of 15! Last time I remember answering that question I was on season 8)

4. Currently Reading: Nothing tbh, but I've been meaning to start reading some Estonian books for once.

5. Currently Obsessed With: Obsession is a bit of a strong word for me, but I'd say video games in general. I'm rotating (as in, watching some videos and looking at fan work, I'm too fuckin broke to buy any 😭🙏) between multiple of them at a fast rate that I do not like

6. Currently Working On: A new OC for Assassin's Creed IV! I've drawn the fella a little bit already, but I hope to do more. I'm also thinking of writing a series of oneshots with that character. Damn bro, what's with me and trying to "complete" OCs before showing them...

7. Last Internet Search: The actor Alex Høgh Andersen, most known for playing Ivar the Boneless in "Vikings." I think I had just remembered out of nowhere that he exists + I used to like him a bunch + I can look up his socials, which I did.

8: Current Screen Wallpaper: It's a screenshot of some sort of big paragraph I had written out in my notes app, zoomed in and extremely blurred for aesthetic reasons. It's probably best to just show it...