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have you ever sorted shapes and colors with your life on the line

weed gummies are such a fake sounding concept like yeah if you eat this piece of candy and wait an hour you'll suddenly become very easily entertained and airheaded and cuddly

willy wonka creation

smoking the shit that turned the clock wise

EVERYOBODY GET DOWN HES TAKING A CREATIVE LIBERTY

Fuck you delilah what the fuck is new york city

*talking loudly to my fat golf friends* now jeez… chevy chase. if he had a pussy i would lay him out like pizza dough

i was working a woodfire pizza oven at a golf course in college when i wrote this, in case you ever doubted the puzzle that is my world

LGBT = Lets Go Buy Tix for the MOVIESSSSSSS

(nods sagely) (nods basily) (nods rosemarily) (nods saltly) (nods star anisely)

my new smart tv came with the 24/7 circus accidents channel

you ever see a girl

you ever out driving and you see a girl so pretty you wanna get into a non-fatal car on-purpose with her just so she's legally obligated to talk to you? i've got a $500 beater that i pay an unsettling insurance premium on specifically for this tactic. protip if you wanna get in on the game: don't ever hit a newer-looking Kia Soul. i tapped this chick's bumper the other day cuz her hair looked like it smelled good and the impact sent my shit flying rearwards into a Chase bank with preposterous force. yup, all Souls model year '23 and later are made of hyperbounce rubber