( bung bung bung bung ! )

victoria: well i don't need a dad so you're SOL here buddy

victoria: are you just gonna give me another no matter what i say

victoria: if you say so

ivan: After consulting Urban Dictionary for the definition of 'SOL,' I regret to inform you that no, you do not have a choice.

ivan: Don't let your burdensome knowledge of how hard and cruel the world can be forever get in the way of forming real, genuine bonds. It's only at its hardest and cruelest when it's only you against it.

ivan: Okay

ivan: I may have sent money to the 'Nigerian prince,' but at least I've never accidentally gotten caught up in a multi-level marketing scheme.

victoria: ......

victoria: don't dad me if i wanted a dad i would've behaved in the foster homes

victoria: ok so you did send him money

ivan: I need someone to dad.

ivan: I have far too much training via 'Full House' to not give fatherly advice and pep talks. Shall I give you another?

ivan: Yes.

callie: i

callie: i just bought essential oils

callie: whY WHATS WRONG WITH ESSENTIAL OILS

ivan: Callie...

victoria: but have you considered that im just stupid

victoria: i mean yes but like. also im dyslexic

victoria: so thank god for autocorrect y'know

victoria: ivan..... have you sent the nigerian prince money

ivan: Never call yourself stupid, my child. You are smarter than you realize. You have made a life for yourself. You are brave, my child.

ivan: Duck yes.

ivan: ...

ivan: To be fair:

ian: daddy 👅💦😫

ian: lol wyd

ian: ur taking one step closer towards being a dilf u cant be mad about that

ian: YES finally thank u for asking i DO NEED HELP

ian: whats the spanish word for tortilla

ivan: I am not yet a father, there is not yet a need to call me 'daddy,' young one.

ivan: What does 'wyd' mean? I know the meaning of 'lol,' as my other old friends use it all the time. We, however, send it in separate texts.

ivan: Lol.

ivan: I need to have a child first and, while I am certainly a fatherly presence, I am not ready for a child. Can one become a 'dilf' without being a father?

ivan: This will blow your mind:

charlotte: i just watched a scary movie and now i can't sleep

charlotte: can you please come over i'm literally scared

victoria: WHATEVER fuck off you know im dyslexic

victoria: especially with numbers

victoria: but then we wouldn't be having this convo and isn't this better than being on the wiki page for the 27 club

victoria: that rat bastard i've sent him $10,000

ivan: Okay, but I think that was just a product of forgetfulness.

ivan: Also, isn't that called dyscalculia?

ivan: As excellent as it is to be a father, it would be spectacular to be on the same page as people like Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. I would be immortalized.

ivan: Until Wikipedia becomes obsolete, that is.

callie: HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEN

callie: age and time is just a concept

callie: ivan... i think everyone knows

callie: i'm the one who needs life advice the most

ivan: Thank you, Callie.

ivan: I would love to reciprocate the capital letter yelling, alas, I am old now. I may need a replacement hip soon.

ivan: Okay

ivan: Never buy essential oils.

ivan: Never trust anyone who sells essential oils.

ivan: Never trust anyone who buys essential oils.

ryder: HAPPY BIRTHDAY POPS!

ryder: "today you are you! that is truer than true! there is no one alive who is you-er than you!"

ryder: - jamie lee curtis, 1924

ryder: i do need your wisdomous wisdom tho

ryder: how does one get out of quicksand?

ryder: follow up question - how does one find quicksand?

ryder: and follow up question to my follow up question - why is it called quicksand if you slowly sink in?

ivan: Thank you, son.

ivan: I know you're trying to get on my nerves, but she did say

ivan: "The more I like me, the less I want to pretend to be other people."

ivan: which is close enough.

ivan: Move slowly. See if there's a branch you can reach for.

ivan: Go anywhere that sand, or a substance similar to sand, and water will have to mingle for some time. It's not surefire, though.

victoria: you're only five years older than me dummy

victoria: also no you should not have killed yourself this year

victoria: give me advice on life in general o wise one

ivan: I cannot decide whether or not I should correct you, as it may undermine me.

ivan: ...I am a father, it is my job to teach lessons and, therefore, correct. You are FOUR years younger than me as of today.

ivan: I could've been on the Wikipedia page for the 27 Club, though :\

ivan: I rescind my ':\' it was not very Gen X of me.

ivan: Okay, this is what I have for you today:

ivan: Should I have killed myself this year?

ivan: I ask because I then could've made the 27 club

ivan: Alas, I am now old enough to be your father

ivan: Which also means acronyms, understanding slang, and using incorrect grammar during text are all out of the question

ivan: (if it can be helped, that is - I did not go to college)

ivan: Do you need any life advice?

1. Last kiss

2. Last phone call

3. Last text message

4. Last song you listened to

5. Last time you cried

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice

7. Been cheated on

8. Self harmed

9. Lost someone special

10. Been depressed

11. Been drunk and threw up

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

12. had sex

13. How many people have you had sex with this year?

15. Made a new friend

17. Laughed until you cried

18. Met someone who changed you

19. Found out who your true friends were

20. Found out someone was talking about you

26. What did you do for your last Birthday

27. What time did you wake up today

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life

32. What are you listening to right now

33. When is the last time you had sex?

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now

35. Most visited webpage

36. Favorite colour

37. Nicknames

38. Relationship Status

39. Zodiac sign

40. Male or female

41. Primary school

42. Secondary School

43. High school/college

44. Eye color

46. Height

47. Do you have a crush on someone

48. What do you like about yourself

49. Piercings

50. Tattoos

51. Righty or lefty

FIRSTS:

53. First piercing

54. First best friend

55. First hookup

56. First Bestfriend

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating

60. Drinking

61. I'm about to

62. Listening to

63. Waiting for

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids?

65. Get married?

66. Career

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes

68. Hugs or kisses

69. Shorter or taller

70. Older or Younger

71. Romantic or spontaneous

72. Nice stomach or nice arms

73. Sensitive or loud

74. Hook-up or relationship

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger

77. Drank hard liquor

78. Lost glasses/contacts

79. Had sex

80. Broken someone's heart

82. Been arrested

83. Turned someone down

84. Cried when someone died

85. Fallen for a friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself

87. Miracles

88. Love at first sight

89. Heaven

90. Santa Clause

91. Kiss on the first date

92. Angels

93. How would you label yourself?

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For

95. Did you sing today

96. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For

99. Are you afraid of falling in love?

100. Do you like the way you look?