The darkness crept in at an increasing pace. Faster and faster. Closer and closer. But it refused to touch me. Tauntingly staying inches away as if to show its power. And so I knelt. I collapsed to the floor and I begged begged for the darkness to take me, to numb the pain. But it refused. "That's too easy," it seemed to say "you don't deserve the easy way out." And so I grew still lying on the floor praying for a numbness that would never come.
Being surrounded by people who love you should make you feel safe, but it makes me feel constantly on edge. They only see the mask, the smile, but what if they saw the monster beneath. Not a monster by definition, but someone who wants to cause pain and to feel it. I dream of death, not only for myself but for those I love. Not to cause them pain, but so that I am not alone in the eternal nothingness that is death.
I welcome pain yet I despise it. Perhaps I deserve it, perhaps we all do. Or perhaps our minds are so twisted and broken that we believe that pain is a punishment. Perhaps pain is a teacher and us its students.
