the best gift is a new day

It's been about six years since I've given up posting and most of my social media use. I stopped talking to old friends, stopped being in the background for people I'd loved, stopped being a ghost in their notes. And it was freeing because I always wanted to stop being a person. I always dreamed of being forgotten. It is still freeing sometimes to be no one, nowhere.

I don't think I know how to Tumblr anymore, but it might be because I don't know how to be who I was. I'm still overly self-reflective and exhausted and lost and sad. But now I'm too scared of social media, and internet, and my friends, and strangers, and the pressure of responding and being present and showing that I'm not washed out. And the internet doesn't force me to feel that way, but I do. I can't stop how much the internet and social media makes me hate myself and wish I could disappear.

I wish I had some good success story to tell about these six years. No one stays stagnant, yes. I've got a stressful job that lets me change people's lives for the better. I have two dogs I love and two dogs I lost. I have good friends and a car and have gone to Seattle (a long-time dream!) and even began to go camping and hiking. I climbed a mountain and saw a sea and swam in a lake and drove a boat. I broke up with a best friend who treated me wrong and trapped me in a house, and I lost a best friend because I was too afraid to tell them they'd hurt my feelings. I got to see Fall Out Boy and it was everything to me. I became part of a tight knit dnd group and for once in my life, didn't feel like the obnoxious tagalong friend. Then I fell away from the group. I learned how to crochet and grew a fantastic garden and hyperfixated on pool ownership after buying a real big kiddie pool. I stopped biting my nails and cut all my hair off and made friends with uncles and stopped talking to my abusive mother. But these six years aren't some great success, and I feel like I failed every time I see my inactive Tumblr page with the promise that I'm not abandoning my blog because I'll be back when I finally get my shit together.

I can't get my shit together. But I also don't know how to be the kind of person I was where I took solace in my blog as my life continues to burn down around me and the world is the most awful version it could possibly be. I don't know anymore how not to isolate myself. I don't think I have what it takes to be known.

I don't think I can come back to posting on my blog. Maybe I will be myself publicly one day. But probably not any time soon, if ever.

Thank you for having been my friends. Thank you for reading my posts and being kind when I was on the edge. Thanks for the memes and social justice education and teaching me who I was before I could become a victim to comp-het or live my life miserable in performing a gender that isn't mine. Thanks for being my community when I had none, and thank you for being with me when I was lonely. Thank you for being a part of what made me who I am. Thank you for being part of my life.

Are you staying home from work/school?

Unfortunately.  My university is completely remote for the rest of my course track and my job is cancelled until further notice since I’m a bartender.

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate?

I have a small list, but mostly just my sister and my two bestest friends.  I miss them ;_;

Are you a homebody?

Never have been and never will be.  I’m handling this better than I thought, though.

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled?

I was going to do a 5k for my birthday next week :(  That, and I was excited to see Neen again so we could go for a hike on spring break but that wasn’t possible, either.

What movies have you watched recently?

I haven’t actually watched any movies, not that I remember :o

What shows are you watching?

I finished Tiger King the other day and that was.  A ride.  I’ve also watched the Chrisleys and gave The Untamed a try because I’ve seen a lot of the main characters online.

What music are you listening to?

I’ve been oddly captivated by 80′s pop!  I don’t know why.  Focus playlists which really aren’t helping me focus, too.  Plus the occasional blast from the past, like Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield, which absolutely didn’t make me cry on my kitchen floor.

What podcasts are you listening to?

I don’t usually listen to podcasts :c  Perpetually (slowly) working on the Magnus Archives, I guess!

What are you reading?

Endless TV Tropes articles = w =  And wikipedia articles.  When I haven’t enjoyed such leisurely articles, though, I managed to invest at least 30 hours in reading scientific literature for one of my final projects this week T_T 

What are you doing for self-care?

I built myself a gigantic pillow fort last weekend.  I was having a hard time with daydreaming, so I decided to indulge my escapism by doing what kids do and it actually worked??  So that, plus a lot of long showers (while listening to Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield) and ordering out Indian food.  Oh!  And Animal Crossing, like everyone else.