I have crippling depression

Fan arts of the lovely Rosie and Jude on Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsMG14fFyXS/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=18vw82so17czv

Now that I’m finally back, I feel so much better. I feel like the chains that were stopping me are finally broke. I know things are not gonna be 100% like before but... I feel better... much better now (the tears don’t count cause these are tears of joy)

I know, I know. It could have been so much easier. I don’t even know, it started stupidly enough: I was feeling off and tired and I decided that I could wait to answer...and I waited and I waited and self loathed. And the more I waited, the more I left those messages unchecked, the harder it was. So I started making up excuses over excuses. Life went on, problems, moods, before I noticed a month have passed, and then two, and tree... so I told myself that I would come back only after I became a better person. I tried to change myself and for a while I felt good ... but, I missed my friend here, my art started lacking completely. I had panic attacks and before I noticed, I’ve lost another year of university. So, I was stuck again in the same loop, I wasn’t better, I actually became worse, and ashamed of myself . I started believing I didn’t deserve my old friends, that I was a looser, a bad influence.... But I missed them, I missed all the amazing people I had the honor to meet and talk with . People that made me happy, that made me feel better with myself and fuel my creative side.... I still don’t feel better, not at my best but I wanna be here, I wanna cherish my friend’s accomplishment. I wanna be silly with them and just, be... myself again.

... and I don’t really know how. The last year and some I’ve not been myself. I’ve tried to stay away from everyone because my mind was a mess and I didn’t want to be a burden. I wanted to come back and be better but I was just lying to myself. I kept repeating the same mistakes over and over and over, finding excuses again and again. I don’t ask for forgiveness, that would be too much. I just wanna tell, everyone I’ve been hurting with my behavior that I’m sorry. I’m so, really sorry. I was selfish and I kept lying to myself, believing I was doing the right thing, that I couldn’t come back until I was stronger, better... normal? I don’t know. I wanted to be someone else, and I tried. And nothing changed... no, that’s another lie. Something changed but not for the better. I’m not better, I’m not stronger, I’m not someone else... I’m just me, myself. For all that matter, I love you all. I love what we had, I loved every single moment. You know, who you all are. I hope you’re all doing fantastic, and that life treats you well.

With love