Do the stars gaze back?

It hadn’t been her idea. She had been dreading it really, the 4-0. Forty. She couldn’t actually believe she was 40. She remembers when she was 16, 40 seemed like an old lady age, where you’d wear a twin set, go to PTA meetings, and say you’d meet up soon with acquaintances but never actually did. It feels nothing like that. Mostly it is disbelief, incredulity and slight panic, ok maybe more than slight.

But she couldn’t say no to a party, how could she? Her loved ones knew she loved a party, but she hadn’t wanted to make such a big deal about it. Not shine such a spotlight on her age, all of that which was behind her, and her uncertain future. So many of her friends had had to find babysitters for the evening that it had left her wanting and bereft. Jo had left the kids with Jason, her own party tomorrow, a do at home with all the family. It still startled Caroline how different their lives were. When Caroline was 16, there definitely would have been a babysitter involved in her vision of her 40 year old self. For Jo it had come true.

Despite her misgivings, the ample bar selection and the company of her favourite people, is making her enjoy the evening much more than she had imagined she would. Caroline hadn’t been in charge of the guest list and she keeps running into people she hasn’t seen in an eon, with delight.

Whilst catching up with Dee and Dermot, a familiar and warm touch floats by her side, an arm sliding through hers and a whisper in her ear ‘hey stranger’. Caroline’s heart falls right through her feet.

‘Mind if I take her away?’

‘All yours Olly’ says Dermot with a smirk

Her feet follow without conscious action from her brain. She has been thinking about him all day, and now he is here, like she magicked him into existence. The club they have hired is a labyrinth of alcoves and secret hidey holes. She passes many of her friends making out in them before Olly pushes a handle down and swings her around in an empty room. There’s a couple of mint velvet sofas, old fashioned sconces set in the wall, the lightning dim and a low coffee table littered with books and half burnt candles.

‘So, should I propose now or?’

Her heart leaps back up and nearly falls out of her mouth

‘What?’ is her response to that

Olly grins at her in a way he used to do before he’d start taking her clothes off. God that grin, the sight of if after so many years makes her want to push Olly onto the sofa and fuck him right there and then. They’d been doing pretty much exactly that, this time four years ago. And it had been her birthday so it had involved all her favourite things.

‘Caz?’ breaks her reverie

‘Hmm?’ Caroline shakes her head, bites her lip and looks up

‘You alright there?’

‘I, just- ‘she waves her hands about ‘memories’

‘I know’ he sighs and then smiles again ‘so?’

‘So what?’

‘So’ he says slowly, walking towards and taking her hands in his, running his thumbs over the tops of her hands, little lightning sparks breaking out against her skin. She wants to kiss him so badly it aches, happy birthday to her?

‘Should I propose now or?’

‘I’m sorry what?’ she laughs ‘are you being serious or?’

‘Yes?’ he says unsurely ‘I mean we had a pact’

‘Yeah, that if we were both single at 40, we’d get married’ she starts to count with her fingers ‘one, you’re not forty, and two, you’re not single’

‘Well, two I am actually’

‘I thought you were dating some bodybuilder?’

‘I’m not. You believe everything the papers say?’

‘Well no, I believe basically nothing the papers say’

‘So, are you single, or are you still seeing Lewis?’

‘I’ she stalls ‘I, no- ‘she takes a deep breath ‘we broke up a while ago actually, he was never really more than a fling’

‘So, there you go, we’re both single’

‘But not 40’

Olly rolls his eyes and leans in and pecks her lightly on the lips, the type of kiss they used to do back when they were ‘just friends’. She hasn’t kissed him in almost 4 years, it stings and sings at the same time.

‘I can’t be 40 at the same time as you Caz, maths doesn’t work like that. Bit of a flaw in the plan we made’

Caroline lets go of his hands, a flicker of dismay passing over Olly’s face before she hooks her arms around his neck and pulls him into her, and kisses him, properly this time. The feel of his lips on hers, brings her memories flying in, pulling her back to 2015 in the space of a heartbeat.

He had bought her an expensive coat and paid the entire bar tab. They’d sang Rendezvous in a taxi and had done plenty of the same back at her flat. They had laid there afterwards, her stomach swarming with butterflies, her heart full of love, her head light because of the alcohol and how damn happy she was.  

Snapping back to reality, Caroline pulls herself away from Olly, his eyes gazed over with lust, she wonders if he was having the same flashback as her.

She nods towards the sofa and taking her hand, they walk the few steps there, Caroline making sure they sit at either end, least she feels the urge to climb into his lap. She looks towards the door and sees a twisty lock in the door. She can hear the thrum of the party, the bass beneath their feet. All her DJ friends are taking stints playing music, she thinks it is Gemma Cairney’s turn, she’s playing Bump and Grind, a definite Xtra song.

Caroline runs her hands over her legs, like she is smoothing out a crease on her skin and turns to Olly

‘I didn’t plan this, you know, I didn’t even want a big party’

‘You wanted to run away and hide?’

‘A little bit’ she shrugs ‘I didn’t think this is what 40 would be like’

‘I thought I’d be married with kids by now’ Olly admits, inching infinitesimally closer ‘which is why we made the pact Caz, and don’t you think it says something that we are both still single at 40?’

’35’

‘35’ Olly repeats, rolling his eyes

‘Ols’ she says slowly, thinking through her words carefully ‘why are you suddenly bringing up the pact now? Besides the obvious? I wanted to get together four years ago and you weren’t having any of it’ she lets out a sad laugh ‘I miss you, I miss you so damn much, but how do I know you’re not going to stomp all over my heart again? You broke me, completely broke me’ a tear slides down her face as the laugh resurfaces again ‘and I know, I know, we’ve gone through it all, and we’ve put it behind us, I’ve forgiven you, but I don’t know if I can ever forget. You’re gonna have to prove it Olly’

And as if he was waiting for that cue, Olly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box, snapping it open to reveal a ginormous diamond ring

‘Fuck me’

‘Caroline- ‘

‘Olly, no!’

‘You can’t stop a man in the middle of a proposal!’

‘We’ve not even slept together in four years! We didn’t speak for two, I’ve only just kissed you again! You can’t just propose! Oh my god’ she leaps to her feet ‘you stay here, I’ll be back’

Not looking at him, Caroline runs to the door and pulls it open, back into the melee of the party.

----

After tracking down Jo who had been chatting to Dawn, and pulling her quite forcibly to the bathroom, with Dawn, and then Sam bringing up the rear, Caroline finds herself surrounded by their aghast faces

‘He proposed, like proposed proposed?’ Dawn says

‘Well I mean, he had a ring, a fucking huge ring, and I ran away before he could more than tell me off for interrupting him proposing. So eh yeah?’

‘I mean it is your 40th Carrie’ Sam chimes in ‘you did have the pact after all’

‘It’s not like it was a legally binding agreement Sam’

‘Well’ Sam shrugs ‘I was kind of hoping it was, it’s why I invited Olly’

‘I was wondering who had invited him’ mutters Jo

‘You weren’t going to?’

‘Well no, I know you guys are better now, but I didn’t know if you’d want to deal with him on your 40th, not after everything’

‘We kissed’ Caroline says, realising she has left out that detail ‘god I’ve missed kissing him’

Sam’s eyes almost bug with glee, whilst Dawn and Jo share a knowing look

‘You guys, focus! I need help, I’m having a crisis’

‘The love of your life just proposed to you, what a crisis’

‘Dawn, stop thinking of book ideas’

‘I wasn’t…’

‘And we all know it isn’t that easy. It’s not like we’ve been dating for years and now he’s decided to pop the question’

‘Well no, you guys were never that simple, but sure an eight year just friends saga, intermittent with various other relationships, press scrutiny, a we’ll get married at 40 pact, and a brief but wonderous interlude where you were fucking every five seconds, whilst you hosted the biggest show on telly, but then didn’t speak for two years because of misunderstandings but now it’s all fine again, that’s basically the same thing as you’ve been dating a few years and he’s just popped the question’

‘Thanks for the summary Sam’ Caroline says stoic

‘You’re welcome’ Sam replies, with absolute sincerity ‘but honestly, Carrie, I think you’re just freaking out because of when this is happening, rather than the actual thing. If Olly had proposed right after X, you’d have said yes without even thinking’

‘It was different back then, I was, we were- ‘

‘You were in love with him, we know, but I reckon you still are’

‘And so, what if I am?’

‘What if you are, you should marry the boy shouldn’t you?’ reasons Dawn

‘Exactly how big is the ring?’ Sam asks

‘Huge, so much bigger than the one Andrew gave me’

‘I mean it wouldn’t be hard’ mumbles Sam

Caroline lets that one slide, knowing it’s true

‘Carrie’ Jo interjects, having been quiet a while, mulling the whole thing over ‘really the most important, the only question really, that you have to ask yourself, is do you want to say yes? Do you want to marry Olly? Do you believe he’ll never hurt you again? Do you miss him? Is he the love of your life? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Because if so, it’s obvious what you have to do’

Caroline stares at her feet, her head pounding with the last hour of her life, her heart and head fighting for first place, what to do, how to decide. She looks up to find Dawn, Jo and Sam staring at her, the answer they want clear across their faces.

----

The party doesn’t wind up until the early hours, the paps growing restless outside, her guests leaving in dribs and drabs. She is staying in a hotel nearby, needing a break from the paps at her front door, and not wanting to bother with the commute after her party. She has texted Olly the details, her car pulling up outside the hotel less than 5 minutes after she has left the party. She can see Olly sitting in the bar.

Having already checked into the hotel earlier in the day and having gotten ready there, Caroline simply catches Olly’s eyes and then walks to the lift where he dutifully follows.

Yet more 2015 memories fight for attention, all the clandestine nights spent at the Hilton, all the checking as they ran up and down hotel corridors. Sometimes they’d go from being live on telly to being in one of their hotel rooms making out within ten minutes. The proximity of their hotel and how quickly it enabled them to get naked was the best thing about X Factor.

Caroline sits on the bed, Olly standing before her, memories, memories, and he is leaning down, his hand on her face, pulling her lips to his as he falls on top of her. And her past and her future collide. Caroline hears the ring thud loudly along with the jacket as she slips it off Olly’s shoulders and it falls to the ground.

It reminds her of the Hilton, where the carpets were soft and luxurious, where thuds were quiet. She had been glad of that.

Caroline remembers the very first time they had had sex in the Hilton, they hadn’t even made it to the bed, they had just fallen to the floor and done it there instead. She remembers the urgency as if it was yesterday, a need for Olly, a primal ache, ripped clothes and fast fingers and everything exploding with ecstasy.

The carpet burns would have been hard to explain but they were mostly to her lower back and not as bad the ones later on from when they’d done it on the rug at her house. She remembers another time she had bruised her knee from the confined shower, she didn’t care about any of it. It had all become an addiction, and now, she is falling off the wagon spectacularly.

She knows they need to talk, she needs to answer but it’s like a well-rehearsed dance. And she has missed this so much. The feel of his weight on top of her, his lips on hers, his fingers and tongue and all the pleasure they could induce.

‘Darling, darling, darling’ he mutters between her legs, kissing her inner thighs, moving upwards, oh fucking hell, happy birthday to her.

---

‘Ols?’

‘Yeah?’

She is staring at the ceiling, they’re high up, the 14th floor and they hadn’t bothered to close the curtains, she watches the lights on the ceiling, Olly tucked into her side. She feels spent, sated, content right down to her toes.

‘Did you really mean it?’

‘About getting married?’

‘Yeah’

‘Course I did, you think I bought that ring for nothing? Bit of an expensive joke’

‘But why now?’

As happy as she is, she needs this little worm of worry to be rid of

‘Caz, I- ‘he rolls over, Caroline shimmying to face him

‘You know when we didn’t speak for two years?’

‘Hmm’

‘And when you haven’t spoken in that long, you need something to bridge the gap, to break the ice, and you- ‘

‘I wrote the letter, yeah’

‘Yes, you wrote the letter and I called you and we went over everything and became friends again. We needed something to get us back on track. Well’ he gestures to the room at large ‘this is like that. I couldn’t just pop over to yours on a Tuesday afternoon and propose, there needed to be an opening, and we had the pact, so I figured, well it was a good a time as any’

‘When did you buy the ring?’

‘In the summer, I bought it when I was high on morphine after my knee surgery and then my sober self freaked out, before realising that it was a good idea. The best idea really’

‘So, you really do- ‘

‘Want to marry you? Yes, I do’

The words send Caroline’s heart in a flutter, this doesn’t feel real, a bit too much and she pinches herself, hard. Olly leans over and kisses the mark.

‘So?’

‘So’ she runs her hand along his arm ‘I need time Olly, can we actually date? Can we try to be normal for once? Can you ask again soon?’

She can already hear her friend’s protests in her ears, but Olly just smiles and kisses her

‘Of course I can’

----

It is the most normal they have ever been. They go on dates and stay over at each other houses and comment on each other’s Instagrams while sat next to other on the sofa.

They buy each other Christmas gifts and kiss as the fireworks and the chimes of Big Ben announce the new year. She jets off to Love Island the very next day and he surprises her by turning up in South Africa to keep her company for a week. She flies back to London on Valentine’s Day and they both make sappy posts and adorn each other with kisses and gifts. They do weekly shops, train together and walk the dog in the park, it is boring and beautiful domestic bliss. In March they go away for the weekend, to a country hotel with luscious sweeping grounds and a spa.

They go for a walk in the grounds, Caroline’s arm tucked through Olly’s, her hand winding into his pocket and holding his hand there. It is cold, a bite of frost in the air, but it is clear and bright, and Caroline stops for a moment, to close her eyes and breathe in the fresh air, letting out a happy sigh.

When she opens her eyes, Olly is down on one knee underneath a cherry blossom tree, the petals falling like confetti onto him, getting stuck in his hair.

He grins as she stands with her hands over her mouth, dumbstruck, tears sliding down her cheeks

‘Caz, I have waited long enough, I have let Christmas and New Year’s and Valentine’s Day slide by, and the day after your birthday where I was very tempted to try again. I love you darling, I always have done, and it would be an honour to spend my days loving you and for you to love me in return. There’s no one else I want to tackle this life with, so Caz, my love, will you marry me?’

Caroline mutely nods, her breath having gone and taken her voice with it. Olly stands, beaming, and slides the ring onto her finger, before dipping his head and kissing her.

It was funny how this kept happening. How life went around in circles. Here she was, another series of Love Island over, another year done, until January this time at least. It seemed like another lifetime ago that it had all began. She had been doing X Factor during the first series. Had just finished Strictly, had just split with Jack. A whole different lifetime.

And now, a broken relationship, another secret one and a bunch of stuff the media had no idea about. Circles, it all went in circles.

Caroline stares out the taxi window as it winds through the streets of London, bringing her closer to home. The city evokes a warm glow inside her, it was her home, and there was nothing like being home, where your heart was happiest.

‘Here alright love?’

They have pulled up at an empty stop a few doors down from her house.  Her car is in her spot, looking a bit dusty but thankfully with no parking tickets clasped to its windscreen.

‘Yeah, this is fine, thanks’

‘I’ll grab your case for you’

‘Thanks’

Caroline exits the car, takes her case from the driver, thanks him again and starts to search in her bag for her keys as walks to her house, pulling her case behind her.

Her phone beeps just as she is about to put the key in the lock. It’s from Lewis

‘Hey, should we meet up soon for another photo op? Hope your flight back was ok :)’

Caroline sighs and unlocks her door, depositing her case just inside, as it closes behind her and she sinks right down in front of it.

Rubbing her face with her hands, thinking about what to text Lewis, it takes her a minute to recognise the pattering of paws towards her.

‘Ruby!’ she screeches as her beloved dog jumps up on her, licking everywhere she can reach

‘How did you get there?’ she questions the dog before calling ‘Jo?’

‘No, not Jo’ and limping slightly from the kitchen comes Olly, grinning at her

‘Ols! You’re here’

Olly grabs her hands and pulls her to her feet and right into him, Ruby thudding slightly with the ungracious landing back to the parquet floor

‘Oh I’m so glad you’re here’ Caroline breathes deep, inhaling his scent, hugging him close

‘Are you ever going to let go so I can kiss you?’ Olly says with a laugh

‘Nu uh’ Caroline shakes her head against his chest ‘I’m gonna stay here forever’

‘Well’ Olly reaches his hand under her chin and lifts her face to his

She smiles at him and leans up for a kiss, his fingers running up and down her back, like he’s playing his favourite tune.

Circles, it all went in circles.

----

X Factor sat like a very heavy piece of furniture in her mind. It was hard to ignore and it was near impossible to move. You just had to put up and try and be as comfortable with it, as you could because it was there to stay.

It all felt like a well read book, she had gone over it so many times in her head. The time they had spent together during X Factor, it was a bubble, just the two of them. Of course they had ended up sleeping together, like there was any other option. The whole charade of X Factor was a tedious and woeful affair. They knew soon after starting that they never should have taken the job.

No one liked them, they were nothing but stressed and the whole world was watching, speculating on whether they were together or not. I mean, what else was there to do really? When the nation is ridiculing you and there’s only one other person in the whole world who understands it like you do, who is going through it like you are. A person who you had fancied for years, who you loved more than almost anyone, who had recently become single.

It had become almost like an addiction, a dependency. They couldn’t have got through X Factor without each other. Or the sex. A quickie in the morning, and later, a long drawn out glorious euphoria filled evening. It was escaping reality and yet Olly was the only real thing there was. Olly’s skin against hers, Olly’s body underneath her, above her, beside her. The kissing, the pleasure, the oblivion. It was a permanent dream, like a dream that you know is a dream but you can’t make yourself wake up from.

And then one day she was jolted awake. It was like being drenched in ice cold water, gasping for breath, reality and dreams snatched away so cruelly. There had been fights and two years of not speaking, an addict having no choice but to go cold turkey.

They had started talking again in the summer of the disastrous engagement. Texts, calls and voice notes. At first it was trivial stuff, how were their families, who was Olly liking on Love Island and so forward.

Sometime in the early days of winter Olly had called Caroline, when the only thing that preoccupied her day was playing with Ruby. He had mentioned it first, those days on X, how wrong it had all gone. With that phone call they had opened a floodgate, and they slowly began to knock down the walls they had built around themselves, keeping them apart from each other.

Their lives then had been so entwined back then, and it had been painful to untangle from each other. With them talking again, they started to tie themselves into knots once more. Easy knots, ones you can untie without much injury. It became easier this time, akin to how they used to be.

He had gotten funnier, or maybe he’d always been funny. Maybe she’d just forgotten in the long absence, that it hadn’t just been the sex that had been incredible. Back then she had called him her best friend and he was. She could talk to him about anything and they made each other laugh. All the stuff that mattered beyond mutual attraction.

But beside a quick meet up at an award show, they didn’t end up meeting in person until June the following year. Neither of them had meant for anything to happen. And yet

----

She’d never been a fan of hospitals, she didn’t suppose that many people were. There was a certain smell and everything squeaked. She hugs her present close to herself as she navigates through the labyrinth corridors, finally finding his room and knocking gently

‘Come in!’ comes the shout back and she pushed the door tentatively open

‘Caz! What an amazing surprise’

‘I-uh’

Caroline’s eyes travel from his heavily bandaged and elevated leg, to the drips in his arms and to his eager hopeful face, and without any warning at all, she burst into years

Olly, looking bemused but concerned, cast his gaze around as if there is any way of him getting up to help her

‘Caz, babe, it’s ok. It’s just fluids, and you know, my leg is fine, I’m fine, all fine, do you want to sit down maybe?’

‘I-ca, bel, I, no, you, and’ Caroline, still sobbing, gestures with her hands at him and at herself, coherence having been left firmly at the door

‘Please sit down darling, please’

Still sobbing and not making any sense, Caroline dumps her wrapped gift and card onto his tray table and sits on the edge of his bed, launching herself straight onto his chest and sobs more.

Olly gently puts his arms around her, trying not to dislodge anything as he rubs her back, and waits for her to stop

‘I’m sorry’ Caroline says after a while and she sits up and rubs her eyes with the back of her hands ‘I don’t know where that came from. I think it’s just the last time I properly saw you, we’d just broken up, and now you’re broken’

‘How very poetic’ Olly says with a slight smile, before adding quietly ‘I thought I’d never see you again at all’

‘Well that too’ Caroline says as she takes a big breath ‘not ever, it was horrendous’

‘Not one of my favourite memories ever either Caz. But you know why it happened’

‘Yeah, yeah’ she waves away this discussion with an impatient flap of her hand ‘we’ve talked about all that over the phone. It’s ancient history, there’s no need to go over it again’ she leans forward and runs her thumb across his cheek, as if he had tears there too ‘I just wanted to see how you were’

‘I’m fine, well’ Olly lets out a breath ‘I mean I’ve been better but this has helped, I’ve needed this op for a long time, no I’ve just got to recover from it. And then I’ll be fine. More than fine. I’m taking a break from it all Caz’

‘It all?’

‘That life, the showbiz crap, I’m going to spend time with the family, write music because I want to not because my contract says so, travel around’

‘So you’ve lots of free time to fill?’

‘Something like that, yeah’

‘Well then’

----

They had spent hours in that hospital room catching up on life. He loved his joke gift of a pack of Man United boxers, and they made plans to meet up soon. It was like last time, but not at all. It all happened fast but it felt natural, less intense. They kissed again for the first time in Olly’s garden after a sunny day and a barbeque. They slept together again for the first time that night, and for the second and third time. Olly’s knee was a bit of an issue. Caroline kept having to go on top, not that she minded.

Then there was the bigger issue of when he shaved all his hair off. She wasn’t used to his head yet. Before they had rekindled, she had had visions of her running her hands through his hair, and now there was nothing to run her hands through. She kept accidentally leaving nail indents in his shoulders from digging instead of gripping.

Beyond his knee and his lack of hair, came the bigger issue of privacy, so Caroline had talked to Nathan about Olly. He suggested she fake a relationship with a twenty something year old toyboy. It wouldn’t be hard for the press to shallow and her and Olly could conduct their relationship behind closed doors for as long as they could manage.

Now lying in bed with Olly, after the two had a lengthy and highly satisfying reunion, Caroline’s mind floats back to the text from Lewis

‘Penny for them?’ Olly says with a kiss to her head

‘Lewis texted earlier, wanting to meet up for a photo op’

‘And?’

‘It’s just tedious. I hate lying’

‘I know you do Caz, but it’s just easier isn’t it? The media think you’re hooking up with someone else and they leave us the fuck alone. And eventually when there’s some big news story taking over everything we’ll quietly post an Insta together and act like it’s completely normal while everyone freaks out’

Caroline smiles and curls into her boyfriend

‘And eventually it won’t be news at all’

‘Exactly my darling, exactly’

‘How long do you think we can keep it a secret?’

‘Well for however long I’m out of the spotlight’

‘You don’t even know how long that’ll be’

‘A while’ Olly shrugs ‘maybe we’ll be married with kids by the time I get back to it’

‘Olly!’

‘What?’ Olly says with a nervous laugh ‘is that not the plan?’

‘I suppose’

‘Love the enthusiasm Caz’

‘Oh shush you’ she smiles and pokes him in the side

It was strange really, like going back in a time warp. She was good friends with Dee so she saw Dermot more often than she would have otherwise. She had got used to Dermot. But now Gary was here, Gary who she hadn’t seen since Xtra. He hadn’t been there for half of it, he had no idea. And yet here he was, singing in Dee and Dermot’s lounge, women screaming at him, the memories flooding back, and all she could think about was Olly.

Gary finishes up ‘Greatest Day’, beaming around at the assembled audience, always happy to be in front of a crowd, and starts to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ as Dermot wobbles out of the kitchen with a candle loaded cake.

After the singing and the applause dies down to a chatter filled hum, Gary makes his way over to Caroline and bundles her up in a hug. He smells the same and only then does she realise she’s remembered how Gary Barlow smells this entire time. Olly had joked about getting the same aftershave as him to get all the ladies swooning but Caroline had protested, having got used to Olly’s scent and the comfort and allure it brought her.

‘Long time no see Caroline’

‘Indeed it is Captain’

Gary grins at the nickname

‘How have you been?’ he enquires

‘I’ve been fine’ she nods to herself, staring at the ground

‘How have you really been?’ Gary says gently and she wants to start crying there and then, at her friend’s birthday with her childhood crush asking after her. She should be happy.

And yet, she was still recovering from her broken heart. Andrew had burrowed deep, set up camp, made her think it was forever and then he had shattered her into a million pieces. She had thought he was different, she had thought so wrong.

Even without Andrew, there is Olly. Olly, who without contest, remained the love of her life. She had loved Andrew, she knows she had, she still did but it was nothing compared to how she felt for Olly, still did.

And with Gary and Dermot and Dee surrounding her, it was hard to fight against the wave of feelings currently brewing up inside her, the onslaught of memories that she couldn’t escape. They had only just started talking again. They were making tentative steps forward, they wanted to be back to where they were before X Factor.

But what did that even mean? He was still with Francesca before X. She was still in turmoil over Jack. Their lives had been upended during the whole thing and they had fought solace in each other. And then it had all exploded, far too much damage to repair. So they had run, the pair of them. They had ignored each other and acted like it had never happened. But of course it had, if it hadn’t happened, they would still speak, catch up every now and then, tweet each other, follow each other on social media, talk to each other at events. But no, there was none of that, there was nothing for two years, almost three.

It was the letter, she knows that. If she had known before, that writing a not so secret love letter to him in a publication, maybe she would have done it sooner. Hired a skywriter to fly over his Essex manor ‘Being with you was as easy as breathing’. And it had been, so easy. Being around him, sleeping with him, falling into kisses, falling into bed, into oblivion. Everything else felt like walking through fog, through criticism and hate and a world screaming nothing but negativity at them. But then they’d be in bed, just them, just bliss and the rest of it would all fall away.  They stuck their heads in the sand, it felt worth it. It was so good, it was euphoria between cotton sheets, ecstasy beyond anything she had known before.

Of course, all good things had to come to an end. And come to an end they did, gradually, bit by bit before it all exploded. She had thought he had loved her too. She had thought it was forever, he didn’t know how to do forever. They didn’t know how to stop after X, the sex was that good. But after that argument, he had left her house and never come back. And after that, nothing was said at all. The new precedent was set, they weren’t to talk about it and neither of them had any idea how to repair it at all, so they didn’t even try.

The letter had been a white flag calling out to him. ‘Being with you was as easy as breathing’. She wanted it back, she wanted her air back, her lungs and heart to fill to full capacity. And now that Andrew had gone, her hopes had started fluttering again. Could they repair it? Could they try again? Could they make it work this time?

Coming back to reality, Caroline smiles at Gary

‘I’ll be ok, I know I will’

‘Course you will’ he says with affirmation ‘so how’s Olly, seen him lately?’

‘No I haven’t actually, it’s been a while’

‘What happened there? I always thought you two were soulmates, the real thing’ Gary smiles ‘you reminded me of me and Dawn’

Caroline gives him a watery smile back

‘I remember you saying before’

He had, during the very early days of 2011, she knew Gary wanted them together just as everyone else did, he said it often.

‘Stuff happened, life happened’ she takes a breath ‘a lot happened’

Gary reaches over and gives her arm a reassuring squeeze

‘You’ll figure it out, you’re meant to be you two, that always figures itself out’

----

They haven’t properly met up yet. It had mostly been texts and calls. She didn’t know if his reasoning was the same as hers, that they knew what would happen if they ended up alone together again. She didn’t really see how that could be a bad thing.

Beyond that, they both knew whatever they wanted to say would be harder face to face, they hadn’t properly discussed any of it yet. What happened during X, what happened after X. How being with him was as easy as breathing. ‘Hope you don’t mind that I admitted to being in love with you in Cosmo’

She calls him in the taxi home from Dee’s

‘Hey Caz’

‘Hey Ols’

Even that made her heart glow. Caz and Ols, how they’d been from the start.

‘Everything alright? I thought you were at Dee’s birthday?’

‘Yeah I was, I’m heading home now’ she pauses, summoning up the bravery she needs ‘so are you free soon? To like meet up?’

‘Anything for you Caz’

She inhales some courage

‘Are you free tomorrow?’

----

She spends the afternoon hoovering. She isn’t really sure why, she has a thought in the back of her mind that they can’t have sex on a dirty floor. They’d had to deal with a few carpet burns during X and that was from the Hilton which had perfectly luxurious carpet. She didn’t think they had any chance on her wooden floors and assorted rugs.

She had left Ruby with Jo, she didn’t need disruptions for this, her nerves could barely handle it as it was. They had to talk, had to really talk and the thought alone of that terrified her.

‘So, you know you broke my heart right? Utterly beyond repair. And I ended up with some dickhead instead of you. Who also broke my heart. But now I want you back because my god I miss you, I miss the sex, I miss it all being as easy as breathing. So don’t break my heart again ok?’

The doorbell rings.

---

She can feel her heart jump out of her chest the moment she opens the door. He is starting there looking at the ground, scuffing his shoes, a sheepish look on his face. He turns to face her as the door opens and she can’t quite read his expression.

‘Hey Ols’ she smiles shyly, acting far calmer than she feels ‘come on in’

‘Y’alright Caz?’ he smiles at her, follows her in and closes the door ‘nice place you have here’

‘Thanks’ she twists her hands between her, staring at his shoes, unable to meet his eye ‘you’ve not been here have you? I forgot’

‘No, no I haven’t, you moved after we…’ he trails off, swinging his arms like a pair of pendulums at his side, an awkward and heavy silence descending

‘After we had that raging fight at my old place after having sex for the last time and then you left and we didn’t speak for two years’ she wants to say. She can’t.

She clears her throat, her heart thudding and she offers tea, unable to think of anything else to do in this uncomfortable situation of her own making.

They sit on her sofa and hold their mugs in their hands, a warm comfort to ward off the bad feelings hanging over them.

After a few sips, Olly puts his down on her coffee table and turns to face her, she meets his eye this time, feeling the air charge

‘It was my fault, you know, why we fell out, I’ve always felt guilty about it’

She wants to be petty and question what he has to be guilty for, what exactly, the minute details. The argument of how he didn’t want a relationship, not turning up at the NTAs, how she got blasted in the press for being fired whereas he ‘left’, how he made her fall completely in love with him and then broke her heart, how he took away her air.

‘I saw Gary the other day you know’ she says and he looks confused at the abrupt change of topic

‘Barlow?’

‘Yes Barlow, he was singing at Dee’s birthday, it felt like 2011 all over again’

‘During Xtra, back when it was easy’

‘It wasn’t that easy Ols, god knows we had enough drama in 2011. We used to fight all the time’

‘It was the all the sexual tension’ he says with an inflection of joking but they both know it is true

‘Well it was, we never acted on it, all that tension flying around had to go somewhere. So we fought and we became best friends’ she lets out a sad sigh ‘we really were, you know, especially back in 2015. Even when everything was going on…’

‘When we were screwing each other senseless you mean?’

Caroline rolls her eyes at him

‘Yes that but I mean everything else, we went through such shit during X and you were the only one who really truly understood what it was like. Even without the sex, you were my best friend during those crazy months’

‘Caz…’

‘Don’t Ols, you always used to do that too, say Caz all soft and sad’

It had been like that the first time. They had been drinking at the Hilton, it was late and everyone else had gone to bed. He had broken up with Francesca only a couple of weeks previous. He looked at her, whispered her name, staring through her like he could see her soul. He had been so close and she couldn’t remember who had leaned forward but they were kissing and it felt like coming up for air.

They had gone to her room and after four years of waiting, they couldn’t get naked fast enough. They might as well as been shouting ‘finally’ along with their moans of pleasure. They had more than made up for the long wait that night. And so many times after.

Caroline didn’t even love the sex the most. It was the little things, the stolen kisses in dressing rooms, the waking up beside him, the constant text messages and phone calls, having coffee together during rehearsals, hugging him close at the end of each weekend, one more week checked off.

She had known she loved him near the start of X Factor but she didn’t fully realise it until they were together, in all the ways, all the time. Kissing him, sleeping with him, talking to him constantly, collectively it wound her heart up in such knots until she could barely handle it.

And then after X, when they really should have stopped. She kept telling herself, her heart kept tugging at him, that it would work out. That a couple of drunken snogs with random girls meant nothing. That and the times they kept hooking up, but never going on actual dates should have set alarm bells ringing, alas.

She had been so mad after his no show at the NTAs as well, she had gone to his and they had argued but they ended up just having mind blowing make up sex.

It had been mid March, at hers. He was in town for work and asked if he could pop by after. She wasn’t busy and she knew what it was for so she’d said yes. But after he had got up to go home and she couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted answers, she wanted more than just casual hook ups with the love of her life.

And he had given her answers, answers she soon realised she didn’t want at all. He didn’t want this, a relationship, more press invasion, commitment. He wanted fun and sex and he wanted her. But her tangled heart couldn’t fathom having only a part of him. She wanted it all, he wanted a part. There was no compromise, and the fallout had been catastrophic.

He had stormed out, they deleted each other off all the social media and communication ceased. Caroline felt like a part of her heart had been scooped out, a cold hole right in the centre of her that she couldn’t rid of, her air stolen from her. He had left one of his jumpers at hers and she had slept in it for weeks after. She lost count of how many times she picked up the phone to call him, or text him, or to stalk him on all the social media she had unfollowed him on.

Time was a healer they said, she moved on, she told herself she was over him, and the pain did lessen as the months and years went by. But it never truly went away. And now sitting here, on her sofa with Olly, making her angry and sad and filled with love as he says her name softly, her emotions churn and curdle within her, firing in every direction. She puts her tea down, takes a giant breath and slides into his lap. His arms come around her, like a jigsaw fitting into place. He smells exactly the same.

She leans back to look at him and she doesn’t know who leans in, but they are kissing. Kissing like they haven’t kissed since the very first time. She wants him so badly, she feels like she could crawl right into his skin, nothing is close enough. Being with him is as easy as breathing.

She hears something fall over as he chucks his shirt across the room, she doesn’t care. She flings her bra in the same direction, as he kisses here and she scrunches into him, gripping his hair with all her might. She undoes the button and fly on his jeans before her own and realises they will have to part to get out of their trousers. Such a dilemma, to move apart to be closer together.

She reluctantly rises off him and he hops up beside her to drag down his own too tight jeans. Sans trousers and pants, Olly kneels before her and thumbs her underwear down, his mouth at her navel.

‘God I’ve missed this’ he says softly as he kisses there

He grabs behind her knees, pulling her towards the floor, and as she hits the floor with a slight thud it flits across her mind that she is glad she hoovered.

‘Are you still on-?’

‘Yeah, yeah’

He is still between her legs, kissing the inside of her thighs but for once, she is too impatient.

‘Come here’ she beckons and he puts his arms either side of her, hovering above her as she kisses him, her arms around his neck, her hands bundled in his hair, her heart exploding with love for him.

He moves within her, his face burying into and kissing her neck, and it feels like the future and the past all at once.

Caroline wraps her legs around his back and they twist and turn as she ends up above him

‘My favourite view’ he smirks as she laughs with ecstasy and joy

They convene upstairs afterwards, a replay all over again of the first time, making up for lost moments, lost could have been memories. Only in the late evening after they’ve eaten and crawled back into bed, do they properly talk again. She lies on his chest, his fingers playing on her back, the other arm stretched behind his head. It felt easier like this, like the way it was before, rather than stifled and fully clothed conversations on her couch.

‘You broke my heart you know’

‘Yeah, I’m sorry, I do know that’ he sighs and kisses her head

‘It was just so much Caz. And I handled it completely wrong, I know I did. But as much as I wanted to be with you, I didn’t know how. I had just ended the most serious relationship of my life and then within no time at all, you and me were fucking, all while X Factor was going on. By the end, it felt like we’d been on a rollercoaster and when we got off, I was so dizzy I could barely get my thoughts straight. All I knew was that I couldn’t do it. All of it. You wanting marriage and babies when my mind was in turmoil was too much to handle. So I fucked it up, I didn’t know what else to do’

Caroline feels her mind clear a fraction, muddled up things finally starting to make sense. They were both broken after X Factor, Caroline wanted to move on, move on with him. Olly didn’t know how.

‘When did you figure all this out Ols?’

‘In therapy’

‘Was it good, did it help?’

‘It did, yeah. It makes you realise things that sometimes are staring you right in the face but your mind is just too messed up to see. It puts things in order a bit’

‘Yeah I get that, it helps.’

‘And of course I wanted to make things right with you. But I didn’t know how. We hadn’t spoken in such a long time. And then you were with Andrew. But then that letter’ he sighs ‘it made me realise that you still loved me’

‘So you messaged me’

‘So I messaged you’

‘We broke up that day you know, I mean we broke up a lot of times, I was so stupid, it was all so stupid, but he knew I still loved you. He saw my face when I got that text. He felt like second choice and Andrew never liked being second’

‘Don’t I know it’ Olly laughs

‘Oh shush’ she pokes him in the ribs ‘you came second on a talent show once, you’ve had plenty of number ones since to make up for it’ she pauses ‘you’re the love of my life, first forever and always’

She looks up to him and he kisses her, a soft smooch, the kind you’d have in the morning before you’d depart for the day. An ‘I’ll see you later’ kiss, not the all consuming ferocious kind they had leading to sex.

‘You’re the love of my life too Caz, forever and always’ he smiles, kisses her again ‘so what do you reckon? Do you think we can make this work?’

‘What do you think? Do you think we can make this work? The way we should have back then?’

‘Yeah Caz, I think we can’

‘We’re going to have to talk, properly, do this thing right’

‘Caz, darling, we can talk as much as you like, whatever you need, I’m your man’

‘Yes’ she grins ‘yes you are’

She had lost track. Of contestants, of weeks, of days, of the damning media. It had become a haze somewhere around bootcamp. It had got cold and she had worn his jacket, the smell of him permeated in the fabric. She had bunched it around her tighter and breathed in deep. Then the man himself had developed her in his arms and she had lost all sense. Everything was a fug and she had ceased to care.

It is Sunday morning, bright and cold and spent yet again in the Hilton Wembley. There is a show later, someone will have their dreams crushed, their ‘journey’ ended but it ‘won’t be the last you hear of them’, except it would. Someone would jeer, someone would cheer and social media would call her fat. A normal Sunday in this crazy world.

She rolls over and disconnects her phone from its charger, ignoring her many notifications, just needing the time, 7.52am. That would do. Caroline dresses without care, she throws on a pair of jeans and a big hoody, stashing his room key in her pocket, leaving her phone behind, the room number the last message he had sent last night, embedded in her mind. He is only down the hall.

Her bare feet and the luxurious carpet mask her footsteps as she looks either way before slipping the key card in and out of his door with a beep. She closes the door softly behind her, letting her eyes readjust against the darkness. He is splayed under the covers, snoring a tad. Caroline lies atop the covers and kisses his cheek. He snuffles and sleeps on. She rolls her eyes and slips her hand under the duvet and down his bare back. Olly opens his eyes, takes a moment and grins at her.

‘What are you doing? Get in here you wally’

Caroline does as she is bade, meeting Olly’s kiss as he pulls her into his arms.

‘You are far too dressed’ his hands skim her hips, pushing up and under her hoody, and glide past her waist, before he succeeds in taking it off.

‘Morning’ he smiles as he kisses her and she folds against him, everything soft and light and on fire.

He repeats himself in action and in words as he moves to her breasts, greeting each of them with a kiss and a ‘morning’. She is putty in his hands.

‘These have to go’ he says as she he reaches her stomach, his thumbs hooking in the belt loop of her jeans ‘are you knickerless as well as braless?’

Olly inches her jeans down, Caroline kicking them off, resisting the urge to hop out of bed and do it to speed up the process

‘Oh what a shame, you have got underwear on, suppose I’ll just have to take them off’

He is in between her legs, the breath of his voice making her squirm

‘Jesus Christ Ols, you’re gonna make me come’

‘I mean that is the plan’

Caroline shimmies downwards, dislodging Olly from between her legs and cocooning the duvet around them. Their own world, where only they mattered, the two of them. How she wished that was the reality.

‘Hi’ she whispers, a drop of melancholy smudging her heart. She hadn’t said it to him, not like that. She didn’t know how. Olly stares at her for a moment, her heart galloping out of her chest to just say it. Instead she snakes her hand into his pants and grips, causing a sharp inhale.

Caroline leans in close, whispering into his ear, her voice honeyed as she turns him liquid

‘You like it that Ols? You want it like that?’

She takes his grunt as a yes, taking her hand away, ready to move down but he flips her before she can.

‘Ladies first, that’s the rule’

‘I’m not a lady’ she protests as his hands grab her legs, tugging her underwear down before he replaces them with his mouth, a throaty groan escaping her

‘You sure you’re not a lady Caz?’

‘Uhuhmm’

‘That’ll take that as a yes’ he grins

She had dreamt about him last night. She dreamt about him all the time, but dreams could never convey this. It made her heart sing and fracture at the same time that she could wake from her dreams and come straight to the reality. Right now, he was the only thing keeping her holding her on, her anchor against the madness. The guy between her legs, the one that owned her fractured heart, that made the cracks glow.

She’d danced on Strictly and now she danced with her boy. Every weekend, during the week if they could manage. And it was like music, the slow build up, the crescendo, the harmony and afterwards, feeling so content and so enamoured that you wanted to play the song again. And so they did. At this point, they pretty much had a Greatest Hits. The time back in 2011, the reunion shag in 2015, the weekend at his, her birthday. That was certainly a rendezvous.

She feels desperate for him, for him to be a part of her, for the two to sway and grind and move together. She cuddles into him after, her heart still racing as he kisses the top of her head, inhaling her scent.

‘We really have to learn to be quiet when we’re doing that’

‘I was quiet enough’ she argues

‘Darling, that ain’t quiet’

She smiles and kisses his chest, pulling him closer

‘Well fuck it, fuck them, they don’t care about us anyway’

‘I know darling’ Olly sighs ‘I know’

Olly leans over her, pressing a button on a panel and making the curtains open, the day bleak and stormy

‘I wish we could stay here all day. Drink coffee, breakfast in bed, lots of sex’

‘Give me a few more minutes and we can go again’

‘That’s not the point though Ols, we can’t. We can’t stay here all day, we have to go do a job we both hate and pretend we’re not fucking every which way to Sunday’

‘We’re not good at pretending’

‘Well no we’re pretty shit at it to be fair. But they can only ever guess’

Caroline doesn’t want to leave, she wants to stay here. She wants to spend the day with him like they were normal, and they had more than snatches of time to fuck. Time to do things other than fuck. She wants to tell him. She wants to say it in words rather than actions. Love making, love doing, love hiding.

Olly looks at his phone, Caroline seeing it is almost 9am. They’d have to head over soon enough.

‘Come on Caz’ he says kissing her ‘we can definitely do it again before we have to go’ he buries himself into her neck ‘quietly this time’