#carolly

It was funny how this kept happening. How life went around in circles. Here she was, another series of Love Island over, another year done, until January this time at least. It seemed like another lifetime ago that it had all began. She had been doing X Factor during the first series. Had just finished Strictly, had just split with Jack. A whole different lifetime.

And now, a broken relationship, another secret one and a bunch of stuff the media had no idea about. Circles, it all went in circles.

Caroline stares out the taxi window as it winds through the streets of London, bringing her closer to home. The city evokes a warm glow inside her, it was her home, and there was nothing like being home, where your heart was happiest.

‘Here alright love?’

They have pulled up at an empty stop a few doors down from her house.  Her car is in her spot, looking a bit dusty but thankfully with no parking tickets clasped to its windscreen.

‘Yeah, this is fine, thanks’

‘I’ll grab your case for you’

‘Thanks’

Caroline exits the car, takes her case from the driver, thanks him again and starts to search in her bag for her keys as walks to her house, pulling her case behind her.

Her phone beeps just as she is about to put the key in the lock. It’s from Lewis

‘Hey, should we meet up soon for another photo op? Hope your flight back was ok :)’

Caroline sighs and unlocks her door, depositing her case just inside, as it closes behind her and she sinks right down in front of it.

Rubbing her face with her hands, thinking about what to text Lewis, it takes her a minute to recognise the pattering of paws towards her.

‘Ruby!’ she screeches as her beloved dog jumps up on her, licking everywhere she can reach

‘How did you get there?’ she questions the dog before calling ‘Jo?’

‘No, not Jo’ and limping slightly from the kitchen comes Olly, grinning at her

‘Ols! You’re here’

Olly grabs her hands and pulls her to her feet and right into him, Ruby thudding slightly with the ungracious landing back to the parquet floor

‘Oh I’m so glad you’re here’ Caroline breathes deep, inhaling his scent, hugging him close

‘Are you ever going to let go so I can kiss you?’ Olly says with a laugh

‘Nu uh’ Caroline shakes her head against his chest ‘I’m gonna stay here forever’

‘Well’ Olly reaches his hand under her chin and lifts her face to his

She smiles at him and leans up for a kiss, his fingers running up and down her back, like he’s playing his favourite tune.

Circles, it all went in circles.

----

X Factor sat like a very heavy piece of furniture in her mind. It was hard to ignore and it was near impossible to move. You just had to put up and try and be as comfortable with it, as you could because it was there to stay.

It all felt like a well read book, she had gone over it so many times in her head. The time they had spent together during X Factor, it was a bubble, just the two of them. Of course they had ended up sleeping together, like there was any other option. The whole charade of X Factor was a tedious and woeful affair. They knew soon after starting that they never should have taken the job.

No one liked them, they were nothing but stressed and the whole world was watching, speculating on whether they were together or not. I mean, what else was there to do really? When the nation is ridiculing you and there’s only one other person in the whole world who understands it like you do, who is going through it like you are. A person who you had fancied for years, who you loved more than almost anyone, who had recently become single.

It had become almost like an addiction, a dependency. They couldn’t have got through X Factor without each other. Or the sex. A quickie in the morning, and later, a long drawn out glorious euphoria filled evening. It was escaping reality and yet Olly was the only real thing there was. Olly’s skin against hers, Olly’s body underneath her, above her, beside her. The kissing, the pleasure, the oblivion. It was a permanent dream, like a dream that you know is a dream but you can’t make yourself wake up from.

And then one day she was jolted awake. It was like being drenched in ice cold water, gasping for breath, reality and dreams snatched away so cruelly. There had been fights and two years of not speaking, an addict having no choice but to go cold turkey.

They had started talking again in the summer of the disastrous engagement. Texts, calls and voice notes. At first it was trivial stuff, how were their families, who was Olly liking on Love Island and so forward.

Sometime in the early days of winter Olly had called Caroline, when the only thing that preoccupied her day was playing with Ruby. He had mentioned it first, those days on X, how wrong it had all gone. With that phone call they had opened a floodgate, and they slowly began to knock down the walls they had built around themselves, keeping them apart from each other.

Their lives then had been so entwined back then, and it had been painful to untangle from each other. With them talking again, they started to tie themselves into knots once more. Easy knots, ones you can untie without much injury. It became easier this time, akin to how they used to be.

He had gotten funnier, or maybe he’d always been funny. Maybe she’d just forgotten in the long absence, that it hadn’t just been the sex that had been incredible. Back then she had called him her best friend and he was. She could talk to him about anything and they made each other laugh. All the stuff that mattered beyond mutual attraction.

But beside a quick meet up at an award show, they didn’t end up meeting in person until June the following year. Neither of them had meant for anything to happen. And yet

----

She’d never been a fan of hospitals, she didn’t suppose that many people were. There was a certain smell and everything squeaked. She hugs her present close to herself as she navigates through the labyrinth corridors, finally finding his room and knocking gently

‘Come in!’ comes the shout back and she pushed the door tentatively open

‘Caz! What an amazing surprise’

‘I-uh’

Caroline’s eyes travel from his heavily bandaged and elevated leg, to the drips in his arms and to his eager hopeful face, and without any warning at all, she burst into years

Olly, looking bemused but concerned, cast his gaze around as if there is any way of him getting up to help her

‘Caz, babe, it’s ok. It’s just fluids, and you know, my leg is fine, I’m fine, all fine, do you want to sit down maybe?’

‘I-ca, bel, I, no, you, and’ Caroline, still sobbing, gestures with her hands at him and at herself, coherence having been left firmly at the door

‘Please sit down darling, please’

Still sobbing and not making any sense, Caroline dumps her wrapped gift and card onto his tray table and sits on the edge of his bed, launching herself straight onto his chest and sobs more.

Olly gently puts his arms around her, trying not to dislodge anything as he rubs her back, and waits for her to stop

‘I’m sorry’ Caroline says after a while and she sits up and rubs her eyes with the back of her hands ‘I don’t know where that came from. I think it’s just the last time I properly saw you, we’d just broken up, and now you’re broken’

‘How very poetic’ Olly says with a slight smile, before adding quietly ‘I thought I’d never see you again at all’

‘Well that too’ Caroline says as she takes a big breath ‘not ever, it was horrendous’

‘Not one of my favourite memories ever either Caz. But you know why it happened’

‘Yeah, yeah’ she waves away this discussion with an impatient flap of her hand ‘we’ve talked about all that over the phone. It’s ancient history, there’s no need to go over it again’ she leans forward and runs her thumb across his cheek, as if he had tears there too ‘I just wanted to see how you were’

‘I’m fine, well’ Olly lets out a breath ‘I mean I’ve been better but this has helped, I’ve needed this op for a long time, no I’ve just got to recover from it. And then I’ll be fine. More than fine. I’m taking a break from it all Caz’

‘It all?’

‘That life, the showbiz crap, I’m going to spend time with the family, write music because I want to not because my contract says so, travel around’

‘So you’ve lots of free time to fill?’

‘Something like that, yeah’

‘Well then’

----

They had spent hours in that hospital room catching up on life. He loved his joke gift of a pack of Man United boxers, and they made plans to meet up soon. It was like last time, but not at all. It all happened fast but it felt natural, less intense. They kissed again for the first time in Olly’s garden after a sunny day and a barbeque. They slept together again for the first time that night, and for the second and third time. Olly’s knee was a bit of an issue. Caroline kept having to go on top, not that she minded.

Then there was the bigger issue of when he shaved all his hair off. She wasn’t used to his head yet. Before they had rekindled, she had had visions of her running her hands through his hair, and now there was nothing to run her hands through. She kept accidentally leaving nail indents in his shoulders from digging instead of gripping.

Beyond his knee and his lack of hair, came the bigger issue of privacy, so Caroline had talked to Nathan about Olly. He suggested she fake a relationship with a twenty something year old toyboy. It wouldn’t be hard for the press to shallow and her and Olly could conduct their relationship behind closed doors for as long as they could manage.

Now lying in bed with Olly, after the two had a lengthy and highly satisfying reunion, Caroline’s mind floats back to the text from Lewis

‘Penny for them?’ Olly says with a kiss to her head

‘Lewis texted earlier, wanting to meet up for a photo op’

‘And?’

‘It’s just tedious. I hate lying’

‘I know you do Caz, but it’s just easier isn’t it? The media think you’re hooking up with someone else and they leave us the fuck alone. And eventually when there’s some big news story taking over everything we’ll quietly post an Insta together and act like it’s completely normal while everyone freaks out’

Caroline smiles and curls into her boyfriend

‘And eventually it won’t be news at all’

‘Exactly my darling, exactly’

‘How long do you think we can keep it a secret?’

‘Well for however long I’m out of the spotlight’

‘You don’t even know how long that’ll be’

‘A while’ Olly shrugs ‘maybe we’ll be married with kids by the time I get back to it’

‘Olly!’

‘What?’ Olly says with a nervous laugh ‘is that not the plan?’

‘I suppose’

‘Love the enthusiasm Caz’

‘Oh shush you’ she smiles and pokes him in the side

It was strange really, like going back in a time warp. She was good friends with Dee so she saw Dermot more often than she would have otherwise. She had got used to Dermot. But now Gary was here, Gary who she hadn’t seen since Xtra. He hadn’t been there for half of it, he had no idea. And yet here he was, singing in Dee and Dermot’s lounge, women screaming at him, the memories flooding back, and all she could think about was Olly.

Gary finishes up ‘Greatest Day’, beaming around at the assembled audience, always happy to be in front of a crowd, and starts to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ as Dermot wobbles out of the kitchen with a candle loaded cake.

After the singing and the applause dies down to a chatter filled hum, Gary makes his way over to Caroline and bundles her up in a hug. He smells the same and only then does she realise she’s remembered how Gary Barlow smells this entire time. Olly had joked about getting the same aftershave as him to get all the ladies swooning but Caroline had protested, having got used to Olly’s scent and the comfort and allure it brought her.

‘Long time no see Caroline’

‘Indeed it is Captain’

Gary grins at the nickname

‘How have you been?’ he enquires

‘I’ve been fine’ she nods to herself, staring at the ground

‘How have you really been?’ Gary says gently and she wants to start crying there and then, at her friend’s birthday with her childhood crush asking after her. She should be happy.

And yet, she was still recovering from her broken heart. Andrew had burrowed deep, set up camp, made her think it was forever and then he had shattered her into a million pieces. She had thought he was different, she had thought so wrong.

Even without Andrew, there is Olly. Olly, who without contest, remained the love of her life. She had loved Andrew, she knows she had, she still did but it was nothing compared to how she felt for Olly, still did.

And with Gary and Dermot and Dee surrounding her, it was hard to fight against the wave of feelings currently brewing up inside her, the onslaught of memories that she couldn’t escape. They had only just started talking again. They were making tentative steps forward, they wanted to be back to where they were before X Factor.

But what did that even mean? He was still with Francesca before X. She was still in turmoil over Jack. Their lives had been upended during the whole thing and they had fought solace in each other. And then it had all exploded, far too much damage to repair. So they had run, the pair of them. They had ignored each other and acted like it had never happened. But of course it had, if it hadn’t happened, they would still speak, catch up every now and then, tweet each other, follow each other on social media, talk to each other at events. But no, there was none of that, there was nothing for two years, almost three.

It was the letter, she knows that. If she had known before, that writing a not so secret love letter to him in a publication, maybe she would have done it sooner. Hired a skywriter to fly over his Essex manor ‘Being with you was as easy as breathing’. And it had been, so easy. Being around him, sleeping with him, falling into kisses, falling into bed, into oblivion. Everything else felt like walking through fog, through criticism and hate and a world screaming nothing but negativity at them. But then they’d be in bed, just them, just bliss and the rest of it would all fall away.  They stuck their heads in the sand, it felt worth it. It was so good, it was euphoria between cotton sheets, ecstasy beyond anything she had known before.

Of course, all good things had to come to an end. And come to an end they did, gradually, bit by bit before it all exploded. She had thought he had loved her too. She had thought it was forever, he didn’t know how to do forever. They didn’t know how to stop after X, the sex was that good. But after that argument, he had left her house and never come back. And after that, nothing was said at all. The new precedent was set, they weren’t to talk about it and neither of them had any idea how to repair it at all, so they didn’t even try.

The letter had been a white flag calling out to him. ‘Being with you was as easy as breathing’. She wanted it back, she wanted her air back, her lungs and heart to fill to full capacity. And now that Andrew had gone, her hopes had started fluttering again. Could they repair it? Could they try again? Could they make it work this time?

Coming back to reality, Caroline smiles at Gary

‘I’ll be ok, I know I will’

‘Course you will’ he says with affirmation ‘so how’s Olly, seen him lately?’

‘No I haven’t actually, it’s been a while’

‘What happened there? I always thought you two were soulmates, the real thing’ Gary smiles ‘you reminded me of me and Dawn’

Caroline gives him a watery smile back

‘I remember you saying before’

He had, during the very early days of 2011, she knew Gary wanted them together just as everyone else did, he said it often.

‘Stuff happened, life happened’ she takes a breath ‘a lot happened’

Gary reaches over and gives her arm a reassuring squeeze

‘You’ll figure it out, you’re meant to be you two, that always figures itself out’

----

They haven’t properly met up yet. It had mostly been texts and calls. She didn’t know if his reasoning was the same as hers, that they knew what would happen if they ended up alone together again. She didn’t really see how that could be a bad thing.

Beyond that, they both knew whatever they wanted to say would be harder face to face, they hadn’t properly discussed any of it yet. What happened during X, what happened after X. How being with him was as easy as breathing. ‘Hope you don’t mind that I admitted to being in love with you in Cosmo’

She calls him in the taxi home from Dee’s

‘Hey Caz’

‘Hey Ols’

Even that made her heart glow. Caz and Ols, how they’d been from the start.

‘Everything alright? I thought you were at Dee’s birthday?’

‘Yeah I was, I’m heading home now’ she pauses, summoning up the bravery she needs ‘so are you free soon? To like meet up?’

‘Anything for you Caz’

She inhales some courage

‘Are you free tomorrow?’

----

She spends the afternoon hoovering. She isn’t really sure why, she has a thought in the back of her mind that they can’t have sex on a dirty floor. They’d had to deal with a few carpet burns during X and that was from the Hilton which had perfectly luxurious carpet. She didn’t think they had any chance on her wooden floors and assorted rugs.

She had left Ruby with Jo, she didn’t need disruptions for this, her nerves could barely handle it as it was. They had to talk, had to really talk and the thought alone of that terrified her.

‘So, you know you broke my heart right? Utterly beyond repair. And I ended up with some dickhead instead of you. Who also broke my heart. But now I want you back because my god I miss you, I miss the sex, I miss it all being as easy as breathing. So don’t break my heart again ok?’

The doorbell rings.

---

She can feel her heart jump out of her chest the moment she opens the door. He is starting there looking at the ground, scuffing his shoes, a sheepish look on his face. He turns to face her as the door opens and she can’t quite read his expression.

‘Hey Ols’ she smiles shyly, acting far calmer than she feels ‘come on in’

‘Y’alright Caz?’ he smiles at her, follows her in and closes the door ‘nice place you have here’

‘Thanks’ she twists her hands between her, staring at his shoes, unable to meet his eye ‘you’ve not been here have you? I forgot’

‘No, no I haven’t, you moved after we…’ he trails off, swinging his arms like a pair of pendulums at his side, an awkward and heavy silence descending

‘After we had that raging fight at my old place after having sex for the last time and then you left and we didn’t speak for two years’ she wants to say. She can’t.

She clears her throat, her heart thudding and she offers tea, unable to think of anything else to do in this uncomfortable situation of her own making.

They sit on her sofa and hold their mugs in their hands, a warm comfort to ward off the bad feelings hanging over them.

After a few sips, Olly puts his down on her coffee table and turns to face her, she meets his eye this time, feeling the air charge

‘It was my fault, you know, why we fell out, I’ve always felt guilty about it’

She wants to be petty and question what he has to be guilty for, what exactly, the minute details. The argument of how he didn’t want a relationship, not turning up at the NTAs, how she got blasted in the press for being fired whereas he ‘left’, how he made her fall completely in love with him and then broke her heart, how he took away her air.

‘I saw Gary the other day you know’ she says and he looks confused at the abrupt change of topic

‘Barlow?’

‘Yes Barlow, he was singing at Dee’s birthday, it felt like 2011 all over again’

‘During Xtra, back when it was easy’

‘It wasn’t that easy Ols, god knows we had enough drama in 2011. We used to fight all the time’

‘It was the all the sexual tension’ he says with an inflection of joking but they both know it is true

‘Well it was, we never acted on it, all that tension flying around had to go somewhere. So we fought and we became best friends’ she lets out a sad sigh ‘we really were, you know, especially back in 2015. Even when everything was going on…’

‘When we were screwing each other senseless you mean?’

Caroline rolls her eyes at him

‘Yes that but I mean everything else, we went through such shit during X and you were the only one who really truly understood what it was like. Even without the sex, you were my best friend during those crazy months’

‘Caz…’

‘Don’t Ols, you always used to do that too, say Caz all soft and sad’

It had been like that the first time. They had been drinking at the Hilton, it was late and everyone else had gone to bed. He had broken up with Francesca only a couple of weeks previous. He looked at her, whispered her name, staring through her like he could see her soul. He had been so close and she couldn’t remember who had leaned forward but they were kissing and it felt like coming up for air.

They had gone to her room and after four years of waiting, they couldn’t get naked fast enough. They might as well as been shouting ‘finally’ along with their moans of pleasure. They had more than made up for the long wait that night. And so many times after.

Caroline didn’t even love the sex the most. It was the little things, the stolen kisses in dressing rooms, the waking up beside him, the constant text messages and phone calls, having coffee together during rehearsals, hugging him close at the end of each weekend, one more week checked off.

She had known she loved him near the start of X Factor but she didn’t fully realise it until they were together, in all the ways, all the time. Kissing him, sleeping with him, talking to him constantly, collectively it wound her heart up in such knots until she could barely handle it.

And then after X, when they really should have stopped. She kept telling herself, her heart kept tugging at him, that it would work out. That a couple of drunken snogs with random girls meant nothing. That and the times they kept hooking up, but never going on actual dates should have set alarm bells ringing, alas.

She had been so mad after his no show at the NTAs as well, she had gone to his and they had argued but they ended up just having mind blowing make up sex.

It had been mid March, at hers. He was in town for work and asked if he could pop by after. She wasn’t busy and she knew what it was for so she’d said yes. But after he had got up to go home and she couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted answers, she wanted more than just casual hook ups with the love of her life.

And he had given her answers, answers she soon realised she didn’t want at all. He didn’t want this, a relationship, more press invasion, commitment. He wanted fun and sex and he wanted her. But her tangled heart couldn’t fathom having only a part of him. She wanted it all, he wanted a part. There was no compromise, and the fallout had been catastrophic.

He had stormed out, they deleted each other off all the social media and communication ceased. Caroline felt like a part of her heart had been scooped out, a cold hole right in the centre of her that she couldn’t rid of, her air stolen from her. He had left one of his jumpers at hers and she had slept in it for weeks after. She lost count of how many times she picked up the phone to call him, or text him, or to stalk him on all the social media she had unfollowed him on.

Time was a healer they said, she moved on, she told herself she was over him, and the pain did lessen as the months and years went by. But it never truly went away. And now sitting here, on her sofa with Olly, making her angry and sad and filled with love as he says her name softly, her emotions churn and curdle within her, firing in every direction. She puts her tea down, takes a giant breath and slides into his lap. His arms come around her, like a jigsaw fitting into place. He smells exactly the same.

She leans back to look at him and she doesn’t know who leans in, but they are kissing. Kissing like they haven’t kissed since the very first time. She wants him so badly, she feels like she could crawl right into his skin, nothing is close enough. Being with him is as easy as breathing.

She hears something fall over as he chucks his shirt across the room, she doesn’t care. She flings her bra in the same direction, as he kisses here and she scrunches into him, gripping his hair with all her might. She undoes the button and fly on his jeans before her own and realises they will have to part to get out of their trousers. Such a dilemma, to move apart to be closer together.

She reluctantly rises off him and he hops up beside her to drag down his own too tight jeans. Sans trousers and pants, Olly kneels before her and thumbs her underwear down, his mouth at her navel.

‘God I’ve missed this’ he says softly as he kisses there

He grabs behind her knees, pulling her towards the floor, and as she hits the floor with a slight thud it flits across her mind that she is glad she hoovered.

‘Are you still on-?’

‘Yeah, yeah’

He is still between her legs, kissing the inside of her thighs but for once, she is too impatient.

‘Come here’ she beckons and he puts his arms either side of her, hovering above her as she kisses him, her arms around his neck, her hands bundled in his hair, her heart exploding with love for him.

He moves within her, his face burying into and kissing her neck, and it feels like the future and the past all at once.

Caroline wraps her legs around his back and they twist and turn as she ends up above him

‘My favourite view’ he smirks as she laughs with ecstasy and joy

They convene upstairs afterwards, a replay all over again of the first time, making up for lost moments, lost could have been memories. Only in the late evening after they’ve eaten and crawled back into bed, do they properly talk again. She lies on his chest, his fingers playing on her back, the other arm stretched behind his head. It felt easier like this, like the way it was before, rather than stifled and fully clothed conversations on her couch.

‘You broke my heart you know’

‘Yeah, I’m sorry, I do know that’ he sighs and kisses her head

‘It was just so much Caz. And I handled it completely wrong, I know I did. But as much as I wanted to be with you, I didn’t know how. I had just ended the most serious relationship of my life and then within no time at all, you and me were fucking, all while X Factor was going on. By the end, it felt like we’d been on a rollercoaster and when we got off, I was so dizzy I could barely get my thoughts straight. All I knew was that I couldn’t do it. All of it. You wanting marriage and babies when my mind was in turmoil was too much to handle. So I fucked it up, I didn’t know what else to do’

Caroline feels her mind clear a fraction, muddled up things finally starting to make sense. They were both broken after X Factor, Caroline wanted to move on, move on with him. Olly didn’t know how.

‘When did you figure all this out Ols?’

‘In therapy’

‘Was it good, did it help?’

‘It did, yeah. It makes you realise things that sometimes are staring you right in the face but your mind is just too messed up to see. It puts things in order a bit’

‘Yeah I get that, it helps.’

‘And of course I wanted to make things right with you. But I didn’t know how. We hadn’t spoken in such a long time. And then you were with Andrew. But then that letter’ he sighs ‘it made me realise that you still loved me’

‘So you messaged me’

‘So I messaged you’

‘We broke up that day you know, I mean we broke up a lot of times, I was so stupid, it was all so stupid, but he knew I still loved you. He saw my face when I got that text. He felt like second choice and Andrew never liked being second’

‘Don’t I know it’ Olly laughs

‘Oh shush’ she pokes him in the ribs ‘you came second on a talent show once, you’ve had plenty of number ones since to make up for it’ she pauses ‘you’re the love of my life, first forever and always’

She looks up to him and he kisses her, a soft smooch, the kind you’d have in the morning before you’d depart for the day. An ‘I’ll see you later’ kiss, not the all consuming ferocious kind they had leading to sex.

‘You’re the love of my life too Caz, forever and always’ he smiles, kisses her again ‘so what do you reckon? Do you think we can make this work?’

‘What do you think? Do you think we can make this work? The way we should have back then?’

‘Yeah Caz, I think we can’

‘We’re going to have to talk, properly, do this thing right’

‘Caz, darling, we can talk as much as you like, whatever you need, I’m your man’

‘Yes’ she grins ‘yes you are’

She had lost track. Of contestants, of weeks, of days, of the damning media. It had become a haze somewhere around bootcamp. It had got cold and she had worn his jacket, the smell of him permeated in the fabric. She had bunched it around her tighter and breathed in deep. Then the man himself had developed her in his arms and she had lost all sense. Everything was a fug and she had ceased to care.

It is Sunday morning, bright and cold and spent yet again in the Hilton Wembley. There is a show later, someone will have their dreams crushed, their ‘journey’ ended but it ‘won’t be the last you hear of them’, except it would. Someone would jeer, someone would cheer and social media would call her fat. A normal Sunday in this crazy world.

She rolls over and disconnects her phone from its charger, ignoring her many notifications, just needing the time, 7.52am. That would do. Caroline dresses without care, she throws on a pair of jeans and a big hoody, stashing his room key in her pocket, leaving her phone behind, the room number the last message he had sent last night, embedded in her mind. He is only down the hall.

Her bare feet and the luxurious carpet mask her footsteps as she looks either way before slipping the key card in and out of his door with a beep. She closes the door softly behind her, letting her eyes readjust against the darkness. He is splayed under the covers, snoring a tad. Caroline lies atop the covers and kisses his cheek. He snuffles and sleeps on. She rolls her eyes and slips her hand under the duvet and down his bare back. Olly opens his eyes, takes a moment and grins at her.

‘What are you doing? Get in here you wally’

Caroline does as she is bade, meeting Olly’s kiss as he pulls her into his arms.

‘You are far too dressed’ his hands skim her hips, pushing up and under her hoody, and glide past her waist, before he succeeds in taking it off.

‘Morning’ he smiles as he kisses her and she folds against him, everything soft and light and on fire.

He repeats himself in action and in words as he moves to her breasts, greeting each of them with a kiss and a ‘morning’. She is putty in his hands.

‘These have to go’ he says as she he reaches her stomach, his thumbs hooking in the belt loop of her jeans ‘are you knickerless as well as braless?’

Olly inches her jeans down, Caroline kicking them off, resisting the urge to hop out of bed and do it to speed up the process

‘Oh what a shame, you have got underwear on, suppose I’ll just have to take them off’

He is in between her legs, the breath of his voice making her squirm

‘Jesus Christ Ols, you’re gonna make me come’

‘I mean that is the plan’

Caroline shimmies downwards, dislodging Olly from between her legs and cocooning the duvet around them. Their own world, where only they mattered, the two of them. How she wished that was the reality.

‘Hi’ she whispers, a drop of melancholy smudging her heart. She hadn’t said it to him, not like that. She didn’t know how. Olly stares at her for a moment, her heart galloping out of her chest to just say it. Instead she snakes her hand into his pants and grips, causing a sharp inhale.

Caroline leans in close, whispering into his ear, her voice honeyed as she turns him liquid

‘You like it that Ols? You want it like that?’

She takes his grunt as a yes, taking her hand away, ready to move down but he flips her before she can.

‘Ladies first, that’s the rule’

‘I’m not a lady’ she protests as his hands grab her legs, tugging her underwear down before he replaces them with his mouth, a throaty groan escaping her

‘You sure you’re not a lady Caz?’

‘Uhuhmm’

‘That’ll take that as a yes’ he grins

She had dreamt about him last night. She dreamt about him all the time, but dreams could never convey this. It made her heart sing and fracture at the same time that she could wake from her dreams and come straight to the reality. Right now, he was the only thing keeping her holding her on, her anchor against the madness. The guy between her legs, the one that owned her fractured heart, that made the cracks glow.

She’d danced on Strictly and now she danced with her boy. Every weekend, during the week if they could manage. And it was like music, the slow build up, the crescendo, the harmony and afterwards, feeling so content and so enamoured that you wanted to play the song again. And so they did. At this point, they pretty much had a Greatest Hits. The time back in 2011, the reunion shag in 2015, the weekend at his, her birthday. That was certainly a rendezvous.

She feels desperate for him, for him to be a part of her, for the two to sway and grind and move together. She cuddles into him after, her heart still racing as he kisses the top of her head, inhaling her scent.

‘We really have to learn to be quiet when we’re doing that’

‘I was quiet enough’ she argues

‘Darling, that ain’t quiet’

She smiles and kisses his chest, pulling him closer

‘Well fuck it, fuck them, they don’t care about us anyway’

‘I know darling’ Olly sighs ‘I know’

Olly leans over her, pressing a button on a panel and making the curtains open, the day bleak and stormy

‘I wish we could stay here all day. Drink coffee, breakfast in bed, lots of sex’

‘Give me a few more minutes and we can go again’

‘That’s not the point though Ols, we can’t. We can’t stay here all day, we have to go do a job we both hate and pretend we’re not fucking every which way to Sunday’

‘We’re not good at pretending’

‘Well no we’re pretty shit at it to be fair. But they can only ever guess’

Caroline doesn’t want to leave, she wants to stay here. She wants to spend the day with him like they were normal, and they had more than snatches of time to fuck. Time to do things other than fuck. She wants to tell him. She wants to say it in words rather than actions. Love making, love doing, love hiding.

Olly looks at his phone, Caroline seeing it is almost 9am. They’d have to head over soon enough.

‘Come on Caz’ he says kissing her ‘we can definitely do it again before we have to go’ he buries himself into her neck ‘quietly this time’

Holidays felt like another world. A world without judgement or prying eyes. No one to tell you to not eat a second helping of cake or have that fifth glass of wine. Or get back with your ex. Again. Caroline could never really tell herself why she kept taking him back. They were all such feeble excuses outside of sponsored holidays and islands of love. She loved him so she kept taking him back. It was like they were magnets, she’d look up and she’d be attached to him, without even meaning to be.

But now they were back, and for her, straight back into the public eye. With just a tan and some doubts to show for their holiday. She was glad to see Ruby and be back in her home but also glad to be having a break, even if it was only for a few hours.

This is a world of certainty, Gemma glamming her up, Nathan to whisk her away and a glam party awaiting. She could do all this in her sleep. She waves Andrew and Ruby off, promising to text about the after party and gets into her waiting taxi with Nathan, her dress crinkling beneath her.

-----

She had known he would be there of course. She always knew. The last time had been the worst, they had been so close and said nothing to each other and it was much less easy to pretend that everything was ok. But since then… well there’d been the letter, and the tweets and a couple of text messages. Nothing major, but there fluttering, a small butterfly of fleeting hope.

There was a vast difference between texts and seeing him though. She could see close her eyes and recall it vividly. The long slog of X Factor, made bearable by their rendezvouses. The entire thing had been so intense, the hatred and the media, and the love for him that felt like it shone from her skin. For her, it had felt as obvious as if she was wearing a sign saying ‘I’m in love with Olly Murs, oh and bye the way, we’re fucking all the time. Like all the time.’

She had still never known sex or love like it. He was undeniably the love of her life, she had marriage and babies so clear in her future. The way he held her, trailed his hands down her soft skin, elicited such pleasure in her. The whispered conversations, that were never about the future, but about now, how it was both so awful and so glorious. The ensuing arguments had the word presumption thrown around a lot.

It had started with him kissing those girls and he had blamed alcohol and letting off steam and that they were never exclusive. Which to his defence, was true. But they had kept on, after their holidays, they kept drifting back together. To each other’s houses, often in the small hours or the break of dawn, needing some relief, an itch to scratch, an orgasm or three to be had.

They filmed Saturday Night Takeaway and had driven back to his after. And then they had THE argument. The one that broke everything into smithereens, beyond repair. She wanted a husband, babies, someone by her side. He didn’t want that, he didn’t want the press intrusion their relationship would bring if it was anything beyond friends with benefits. She didn’t doubt that he loved her, but she didn’t think he loved her in the same way. He didn’t love her enough not to care about any of that. Not enough to save her heart from breaking so hard that it felt difficult to breathe. She hadn’t slept with anyone for such a long time after.

When Cosmo asked her to write letters to the loves of her life she couldn’t not include him. And of course it was veiled in truth rather than the entire ugly thing. She hadn’t expected the text, she had written him a letter because it felt too dishonest not to.

‘Hey you… Caz. I’m hoping your number is the same. Your letter to me in Cosmo made me cry. I miss you more than you probably realise. Love Ols X’

When Andrew had seen the text he had flipped and they had broken up the very same day. He had never liked Olly, or the love Caroline harboured for him. But of course, they had ended up back together, again, eventually.

It had taken her a while to reply to the text, what did she say? ‘Still ridiculously in love with you, hated all those times I’ve seen you and had to act like you didn’t exist. My heart hammered in my chest every second you were close by. Hope you’re well’

It had as well, she hated events where he was there. She loved having a glimpse of him as much as she hated to admit it, but it was so terribly awkward to avoid him. Her body was so aware of his presence, attuned to him from all the times he had touched her and the love she held for him. She was a flustered schoolgirl in his proximity, no matter how much she chided herself for it.

And now there he was. On a red carpet and she didn’t think she had to ignore him anymore. She had eventually texted him back, nothing but a string of kisses and life catch ups had followed. She ached to go up to him, to touch him, to hold his hand, to kiss him. Her anger after so long had dissipated down to a shimmer rather than a burning forest fire.

He was being interviewing by the abhorrent Dan Wottoon and sensing her gaze, he looked up and beamed at her. It was a punch of a stomach, sending her back to their weekends in bed, morning light dancing across his naked torso as she stared at him and thought ‘I love you, I love you, I really fucking love you’. He would wake up and smile at her and they’d be in lost in bliss before she could even say good morning.

He beckons her with his eyes and her feet walk her over to him without her conscious thought. It has been such a long time. She says so, leaning on him and feeling his apprehension as she does so. After they had finished with the red carpet, he hooks her elbow and pulls her to the bar, ordering her a vodka orange and himself a vodka pineapple. She can’t help but smile at how Olly he is being.

‘So how have you been?’ he stares right into her eyes as he asks this and she wants to climb right into his lap and answer

She takes a big gulp of her drink

‘I’ve been ok, just back from holiday’

‘You and your holidays, were you with…?’

He can’t even say his name

‘Yes, I was. We had stuff to work out’

‘Hmmm?’

‘Just…’ she trails off, tears surging up in her that she cannot explain at all.

She doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want to be sitting here with Olly talking about how her and Andrew can’t seem to make it work. If her and Olly hadn’t fought back then none of this would have happened at all. They’d have been sitting here exhausted, worrying about their babies at home.

Caroline jumps out of her chair and saunters off, biting her lip, willing herself not to cry here, not in a room packed to the gills with press and media.

She has no idea where the bathrooms are and just as Olly catches up to her and grasps her elbow, an announcement on the the tannoy informs them the ceremony is about to start.

‘Later Caz’ he whispers in her ear, running his hand down her bare arm and making her shiver ‘we need to talk. Don’t leave without talking to me, promise?’

She just nods as he kisses her head and leaves her.

She has never known an awards ceremony to take so long, Nathan keeps asking if she is ok and she reassures him that she is, that she’s in a post holiday daze. And then her phone buzzes.

‘Wuts happn wth 2night? Xxx’

‘Fuck’

She had forgotten. How could she have forgotten? She had said she would smuggle Andrew into the afterparty. They were going to get drunk and then have birthday sex. The thought of having sex with Andrew tonight wasn’t a welcome one.

Her phone buzzes again

‘On my way, c u soon’

‘Fuck’

‘What?’ Nathan enquiries ‘what’s wrong?’

‘Andrew, he’s on his way’

‘Is he not meant to be?’

‘Yes… I mean, I just’ she looks over to Olly’s table ‘I forgot, I completely forgot’

Nathan follows her gaze. He hadn’t been there for the whole Olly saga but he knew of it, in vague detail.

‘It has been over 2 years Carrie, you are allowed to want to talk to him’

‘Hmmm’ Caroline says

‘And kiss him and fuck him into oblivion’ she thinks

But how does she stop this? How does she talk to Olly like she wants to with Andrew there? In that moment her reasons to stay with Andrew seem to drift further and further away.

She opens a text message

‘Andrew, I’m really sorry, I know we were going to give things another try but I can’t do this. Love just isn’t enough. I’m going to stay somewhere else tonight, please be gone by morning’ she pauses and gives it some thought ‘please leave Ruby, I paid for her after all’ she pauses again as the last song plays and the lights go up.

She spies Olly moving her way and closes Whatsapp, the message sitting there unsent.

The afterparty is around the corner and as everyone exits the Tate Modern, it looks like a conga line of celebrities heading there.

Olly catches up to her in the melee, Nathan walking ahead and she feels her breath leave her

‘Seriously we need to talk’

‘I know we do Ols, I know but-‘ before she can say anything else, she sees Andrew, all dressed up, and his eyes don’t go to her but to Olly

She steps out of the line to him, Olly following

‘What the fuck are you doing with him?’

‘Andrew, please-‘

‘Is she not allowed to talk to me now?’ Olly snaps

‘Ols, no’ Caroline grabs his arm and pulls him back as he rears towards Andrew

‘Oh back to Ols is it Caz?’

‘I called her Caz first!’ Olly shouts like a schoolboy in the yard

Andrew laughs, a menace underrunning it

‘Well there’s a lot of things you did before me mate but you’re not doing them now’

‘I’m not your mate’

Caroline fails to catch Olly’s arm this time and before she knows what is happening, the two men are facing off, slinging insults that Caroline can barely keep up with.

‘Caz, come on, we’re going in’ Andrew says as he backs away from Olly and grabs her arm

‘Not yet’ Caroline jerks her arm back but Andrew takes it again

‘She said no’ Olly snarls and pushes Andrew away

Andrew pushes back and the two swing at each other, Andrew getting Olly in a headlock as they pirouette along the pavement, their shoes skidding beneath them as Caroline stares aghast.  

‘You’re such a dick’ Olly spits, slightly strangled

‘Bet mine is bigger than yours’

‘Actually’ Caroline says to no one but herself ‘no it isn’t’

The two wrench apart, breathing heavily and with fire in his eyes, Olly punches Andrew right in the face

‘Oh fuck, ok’ Caroline teeters over in her high heels, pulling Olly away, as Andrew lies on the ground bleeding

‘Eh Andrew, I was just about to send you a text’ she grapples with her bag and she extracts her phone, opening Whatsapp and sending the still blinking message ‘there you go, I sent it. I’m breaking up with you. For real this time’ she leans over and pulls his keys from his suit pocket, taking off the ones to her house. She makes a mental note to message Jo to go relieve Ruby for her.

‘I’ll send your stuff to your Mum’s. Ok bye’ she drops the remaining keys on his chest, his words angry and muffled through his bleeding nose, stemmed by his suit sleeve.

‘Come on Ols’ she grabs his arm and pulls him away ‘we can talk now’

-----

He drives them back to his and it is achingly familiar as his car crunches up the drive. She could open the door, kick off her shoes and head right to the kitchen, popping the kettle on and waiting for Olly to come up behind her and kiss her neck.

But it is late and it isn’t 2015 anymore.

Olly walks to the kitchen anyway and she follows him, kicking off her shoes as she does so.

‘Cuppa?’ he smiles before he digs around in the freezer and plonks a bag of peas on his hand

‘No I’m ok’ she swings herself up on the island, him leaning back against the opposite counter

‘I need to know something Olly. I need to know if you still don’t want this. Because I want to sleep with you, I am aching to but I can’t if I’m just going to get my heart broken again’

Olly looks at her ardently

‘Letting you go is the biggest regret of my life Caz. I thought I couldn’t live that life but it’s been so hard to live without you. I was so scared, so stupid’

‘So?’

‘So’ Olly says, putting the peas down ‘I want you, I want this. I want marriage and babies and forever. I can’t lose you again’

‘Ols-‘

‘Caz, what?’

‘Are you not just saying this because it’s what I want to hear?’

She is scared, she had wanted this all along but it feels too good to be true. Reality feels like a drive alone to pick Andrew up and take him back again as she thought of Olly and all she could have. Actually having Olly hadn’t been reality in a long time, didn’t feel like it ever would be again.

‘I would sell this place tomorrow and come and live with you and that dog and put a ring on it and knock you up within the week. I would. You wouldn’t even have to ask. I would do whatever you want Caz, I want a life with you, I love you’

‘I-‘ Caroline falters, staring at him, at her dreams made corporeal, hardly daring to believe it

‘An I love you too would be great around now Caz’ he laughs nervously

‘I’ Caroline coughs, breathing in bravery ‘I love you too, I’m in love with you, I haven’t stopped since X Factor’

‘That’s all I need’

He walks to her, his hand on her face, the other on the back of her neck and her body reacts, her arms going around his neck, a dance they know so well.

They kiss, sinking into each other, into oblivion and serenity and an ache being answered and it feels like home.

‘I can’t carry you upstairs with this hand darling so you’re going to have to walk’

Caroline slides off her the counter and takes Olly’s uninjured hand in her own, leading him upstairs.

Besides some new sheets, it looks exactly the same, like 3 years haven’t passed at all

‘I’m so glad you still have this mattress’ she sinks back into it, remembering how unbelievably comfortable it was

‘Could never wake you up when you slept over’

‘Yes you could, you remember how’ she cocks her eyebrow at him and after sending sequins flying, her dress and the rest of their clothes are on the floor

‘My hand is a bit useless now though’ he says holding it up

‘Yes Ols but you’ve still got your mouth’

Olly winks at her before leaning back in for a kiss. His prone hand rests at her side as he kisses her neck and her breasts, down her stomach

Caroline had almost forgotten how good it was, how good he is and as he reaches in between her legs, she lets out a loud gasp. Of pleasure, of relief, of finally.

She must have shoved it all in a box because it feels criminal to not remember how incredible this is. She could recall the detail, every detail and yet somehow the memory does not hold up to this.

‘My god, I’ve missed your moans. You make me hard just from screaming’ he laughs as she lays his head on her stomach, her head still in the clouds, dazed and fuzzy

‘Come here’ she holds her hand out to him and he lies on top of her and kisses her

‘I have missed you Ols, so much’ she lets out a squeak of pleasure as his hand reaches between her legs

‘Caz, you have no idea’ he kisses her softly and moves gently into her

She clings onto him and him to her, as if they move too much they’ll have to let the other go

‘Oh god’ Caroline cries as she holds onto him, none of it feeling real

She never wants to let him go and after as they lie in each other’s arms, the love and ache burst open the dam and she weeps, sobbing into his chest

He holds her gently, kissing her lips and her forehead and cheeks and the top of her head

‘I’m so sorry Caz’ he whispers ‘I’m so sorry’

‘I’m just being silly’ she hiccoughs

‘You’re not. I hurt you, he hurt you, you’re allowed to cry. I am so sorry, so sorry I ever hurt you like that’

‘It’s just’ Caroline takes a breath and kisses him, tasting salt ‘I was so angry at you. So angry and so hurt and I thought I was never going to get over it. And it’s like these last three years I’ve put a band aid on top of a bullet hole and thought it would do. But you’ve just gone and ripped it off. I’m not angry at you anymore Ols. But this’ she gestures to their entangled selves ‘it’s like going back in time three years. And I think I’m just crying that we’ve even managed to get back here’

‘I’m sorry it took three years’

‘Yeah me too, Ols’

‘You can hold that against me forever if you want, that I was too much of a coward to agree to a life back then’

‘A life is a long time’

‘I know it is Caz and I can’t wait to spend it with you’

‘No running away this time?’

‘Never. I promise’

‘I believe you’ she kisses him, curling into him, her emotions ebbing away and making way for exhaustion ‘I love you Ols’

‘I love you Caz, I’ll see you in the morning’

---

He wakes early and extracting himself from under her, he goes to the kitchen and sticks the kettle on.

By the time he has returned with two steaming mugs of coffee, she is sitting up in bed, the sheet pulled up to her shoulders, her hair a mess atop her head. It feels so familiar, like seeing the past and future all at once.

‘Look’ she nods to the telly where she has live paused them ‘we’re on for a full four seconds’

‘God knows people will die over that’ Olly laughs as he climbs into bed and hands her her coffee

‘Yeah they will’ she says, blowing on her drink ‘they’d die about this even more’

‘And about Andrew bleeding on a pavement’

‘Well I think we can all be grateful for that’ she smiles

She didn’t ever think it would be like this. Not since 2011. Not since the day she met him. And then when it all happened.

Back then, in 2015, she had pictured it all. Every last detail. She knew Jo’s dress colour and how Olly’s speech would go. They’d get married on June 1st, to celebrate the day they met. It’d be wonderful and sunny, her friend’s kids would be running around and the air would be filled with the sound of their high pitched laughter and birds chirping. The music would be softly drifting across the lawn where they would dance. She would be barefoot, having taken off the shoes which looked pretty for the pictures but weren’t practical. She’d have his suit jacket over her shoulders, leaning into his cleanly pressed shirt, his dicky bow untied around his neck. She would sigh contently into his chest, feel his heart beat beneath her cheek, the heart that belonged to her.

‘Oh isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful’ he’d sing softly into her ear, his hand against the small of her back, turning them slowly around. It was their song, the song they’d play on their wedding day. Because she’d known then, ten days after meeting him. She just knew, with a deep down certainty, she loved him and always would.

It hadn’t happened at first, they stalled a bit at the start. Drunken snogs brushed under the rug and the excuses of work, of the show they adored so much. And then came others and friendship and a gap from each other. She almost forgot how much she cared, how much her heart would always still beat for him.

But then her poor heart woke up again and she fell harder and faster than before. He was everywhere all of the time. He was her work life and then inevitably he became the rest of her life too.

It had been a night after filming, they had gone back to the hotel, the stars concealed behind the smoggy city sky. He had put his arm around her waist, a squeeze at her side and she had scrunched into him. They mentioned having drinks, they ended up in her hotel room where there was a mini bar that they never ended up opening.

She could remember the kiss, so different from before, with so many years having passed, so many things having transpired. She remembered it all, the touch of his skin, his lips against her neck, the weight of him atop her, the feel of him in her. The exquisite pleasure he elicited in her. The pure happiness laying in his arms as they drifted off to sleep.

Funny really, they slept together almost every day after that first time and yet the first time was still the most clear in her mind. The moment it all changed. They stopped making excuses then. They knew that they would not last on X Factor, they had known that almost right away. The show was too serious for them and by the time it was airing and they were together it ceased to matter to them. They stuck it out to the end but they always knew it wouldn’t go any further.

Of course Caroline never thought that meant all of it. They talked, her and Olly, they talked all the time, but a plan never got mentioned. What would happen after. Whether he’d move in with her or they’d get a new place altogether. What they’d name their kids. She could already picture their blonde babies with their gummy grins and tiny feet. She had thought of names, what they’d sound like with his surname.

She had presumed they would talk after X, when their lives became more than work and sex. And it would be filled with the moments in between too, the mornings in bed and the trips away and the parent’s evenings. The holidays and birthdays and the sleepy morning kisses, notes drawn in steam on the bathroom mirror, a swing set in the back garden, a tub big enough for them to relax in.

She never thought that it would end. It hadn’t crossed the mind that was dreaming of bonnets and babygros, house warmings and wedding dresses. It hadn’t crossed her mind that Olly didn’t see it like that. That he saw it as just sex, that he loved her but they couldn’t be together, he wasn’t ready to settle down, he couldn’t be in a relationship with a famous person.

She never thought that it would end with a fight so big that they would stop speaking, that they’d go from fucking every night to absolutely fuck all. Her heart had been broken, cracked right down the middle.

She ended up moving house, a fresh start, a place that he hadn’t been, a bed that didn’t still hold the smell of him no matter how much she washed the sheets. She hosted a show which was nothing but love and sex, she went on holiday, she had a few one night stands, she did her best to forget, to heal her broken heart, to not feel like it was constricting inside her chest every time she saw him but did not speak to him.

Time, they say, heals all wounds, or at least bandages them quite tightly. She pushed Olly to the back of her mind, to the bottom of her heart. And then along came another.

He was nothing like before, not a musician, not serious. He made her laugh and he made her forget. And it all spiralled like before. Not in the same way, not with the same love. He was fun, she didn’t love him as much, maybe not at all if she was to compare, maybe that was safe. Maybe it was better to have a love that wouldn’t burn her with it’s intensity, crush her so mightily when it ended. She could do with a lifetime of fun. He was easy, it could all just be easy. She hadn’t thought of names for their kids, maybe she didn’t need them all, she had her family, she had someone who wanted to stay. Who after four months put a ring on it, rather than ran away.

Caroline takes a deep breath. She never thought it would be like this. Standing in front of a mirror in her wedding dress. Her wedding that wouldn’t be to Olly. She smooths the creases down, spinning the ring on her finger, it still felt foreign, not quite right.

He was easy, he was fun.

He was not Olly.

She walks down the stairs, her bridesmaids behind her, she can hear the band playing a song.

He was not Olly.

The front doors are swung open onto the drizzly day, she can’t hear laughter or birds or Stevie Wonder.

He was not Olly.

She starts to walk down the aisle, she can see him at the top, looking nervous, fidgety. And then he looks up and smiles. Her hearts slows for a moment. She reaches him and takes his hand. She could do this.

He was not Olly.

‘Dearly beloved…’

There is a whoosh as the doors bang, a banging of shoes against the marble floor. A last minute guest. She looks to the door, he is late, he was not even invited, he was drenched from the rain.

He is Olly.