Submissivele

I have a confession. I hate the plug. No, it’s not that I don’t like anal; quite the opposite. I love anal. I have my strongest orgasms from anal. So why do I hate it? It’s not the physical sensation of wearing it that bothers me. It’s a small-ish plug with a narrow neck. Comfortable to wear at work or walking around. And it’s not the act of putting it in, because a little saliva is all I need. 

It’s the instruction itself. We have a new rule. I must have my plug with me at all times. And anytime he chooses, he texts me with instructions to put it in. The thing is, I have always hated plug rules. It seems so strange, that I could hate plug rules while loving anal play. But I think I figured it out. 

The plug is not sexual. All this time, I’ve been thinking of it as sexual. Then I get an instruction to put it in while I’m at work or running errands or coloring with my daughter. And it feels like such a jarring switch in headspace. It feels like being used as a sexual object when, frankly, I have shit to do. I don’t have the time or mental space to be horny. 

But the plug is not sexual. The plug is a reminder that he owns me—that my body is his property, and I am only its caretaker. The plug is no different than his rule that I put my hair in a ponytail before bed. When we are apart, these are ways he reminds me of my place and his control. The purpose is not to turn me on; the purpose is to keep us connected. The purpose is to give me peace.

Once I have the plug in, I feel that connection and peace. After the first couple minutes, I am not usually turned on. But when I move or clench, I feel him with me. There is purpose in what he chooses for me. And yet, when the instruction first comes through, it almost always feels inconvenient. Really? Does it have to be now? Because I’m in between meetings at work or volunteering or doing the laundry or… And I don’t feel sexual. 

Sometimes I feel like I just need more time—time to switch my headspace or get in the mood. I want mental space to devote to the task. I want to take the time to really connect with my submission to him. But for him, the obedience is what matters. The obedience is what feeds him. And while I want that mental space, I rarely get it. But what I always forget is that the obedience feeds me, too. Even when I’m not in the mood. Even when I don’t want to. Because it’s not sexual; it’s just part of being his. 

I saw an ask today on @instructor144 ’s blog about protocols and it reminded me of a recent research project I did for my Master. After speaking to Him, I received permission to post it here.

Thank you for this topic, Master.  It was particularly interesting, as I thought I knew what I would find going into it and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I learned much more than expected! I had expected to hear primarily about high protocol/low protocol.  I learned so much more!

Of course, I know what OUR protocol entails, and I knew generally what a protocol was.  But my research led me to a more clear definition of protocol within the BDSM community - “a set of governing rules that dictate the body, behavior and attitudes through an enforced code of behavior and/or rituals whether it be within the confines of a particular group, community, or interpersonal dynamic”.   That’s a mouthful, I know!  But it’s an accurate description and covers so much, I couldn’t really leave it out of my results.  

The question you asked me, though, was how is protocol defined within the BDSM community and to give examples.  The problem, of course, with protocols is that there is no universal protocol that applies to every situation. Each dynamic is different, groups and communities function differently as well.  A protocol that would be acceptable at a munch, for example, would not be acceptable necessarily at a Gorean gathering or a Leather event. Each situation carries its own set of governing rules.  

In essence, protocols are there because they’ve been negotiated (or in the case of a large group, they’ve been set and people have been admitted to the group upon agreement to comply with the pre-determined protocols).  In general, however, if you haven’t agreed to a protocol, it is unreasonable for someone to expect you to be held to it.

There are a variety of protocols practiced within the community, some of which we practice as well.  Some examples are:

Honorific - the use of titles

Invisible protocols - protocols used in the vanilla world that others can’t see but that reinforce your D/s relationship.  I think in general, others might use these in a more general way that we do - a Dom ordering for his sub, putting His hand on her back steering her through a crowd, all sorts of things.  In our relationship, our hidden protocols reinforce our relationship throughout the entire day, even though we may be hundreds or even a thousand miles apart at the time.

Rituals - using a variety of ritualistic methods, whether it be positions, mantra, ceremonial rituals, anything that the Dom or Master might determine is important to Him or to the dynamic.

There is, of course, the discussion of high/medium/low protocol, Master.  While I don’t believe that was the actual direction you intended, I wanted to add it, because I found a nice description that I hadn’t seen before and I thought it both interesting and helpful. I’m including it below:

Protocol Levels

Protocol may also come in other levels and be sorted as needed by the d-type, typically into groups such as high, medium, low and no protocol. An example of levels of protocol is The Estate Protocols of House Tanos[1].

Low protocol:

Used in vanilla and informal situations.

A continuous reminder of service and its responsibilities

Permitted casual behavior, yet with specific boundaries.

Recognition of station, orders, demands and requests in an invisible and unobtrusive fashion.

Behavior which reflects my intentions and desired interaction on a personal and professional level

Awareness of accountability, despite the temptations offered by casual behavior and independence.

Medium protocol:

For most public BDSM scene environments, and during play scenes.

Prioritize decisions in the appropriate context

The time and place for degrees of casual behavior

Consistent ground rules of action and responsibility

Awareness and anticipation of my needs, wants, and desires- and those of other respected Dominants in my company as a priority

Focus on BDSM priorities, no matter how long or strenuous the time spent in Middle Protocol

High protocol:

Normally used for short periods or during longer punishments.

Complete attention and focus, no matter what the distractions.

Absolute and instantaneous obedience, without delay, hesitation or question.

Decision-making and priorities are NOT part of High Protocol; the servants wants, needs and desires are suspended.

All extraneous movement, speech, and thought are unacceptable. If First Protocol is in effect, concentration is demanded.

Awareness that every move, answer and behavior is being carefully scrutinized and judged

Lumberjacks, like most megafauna species generally require more space than the average hardware store, even a big box store could provide. The misconception is that Lumberjacks are a social species because of how they often work and live together.

This is a matter of necessity, not preference, and a survival technique for thriving under the LogBoss.

A “pack” of Lumberjacks, if not under the environmental pressure of a LogBoss will naturally disperse until they each have a wide territory.

Lumberjacks rarely fight for territory.

One on one, a Lumberjack could drive out a Dad or Lesbian, however the latter tend to travel in social packs.

Lumberjacks will passively retreat on the presence of large numbers of people. Kind of like Sasquatch.

Getting a “pack” of Lumberjacks assembled would be hard enough unless they were forced into a Hardware Store by a LogBoss. In that case, they would already be in a heightened and potentially agitated state far above their natural behavior. This artificial scenario can be likened to a circus animal running amok. If it had been in the wild, the incident would not have occurred.

Free-roaming Lumberjacks are the cryptids of the Hardware ecosystem. They are surprisingly quiet and unobtrusive.

When I first wrote this, I just simplified into the lowest common denominator something @instructor144 said once about kink or BDSM is the way some people like “us” have sex.

I’m a firm believer that words matter and that good communication requires us to define like terms.

So D/s (shorthand for Dominance and submission) is the catchall for a defined Power Exchange relationship. If we think of it like a marriage, it becomes relatively easy to understand that D/s does not require sex (plenty of marriages are sexless). And just like marriage, there are as many different ways to live a Power Exchange as there are ways to live a marriage. The labels most commonly bandied about are D/s, DD/lg, CG/l, M/s, HoH, DD (Domestic Discipline), Taken in Hand, etc. But they are all expressions of a Power Exchange relationship.

Sticking with the marriage analogy, before and during a marriage, the operating parameters are negotiated. Things like finances, living arrangements, holiday rituals, shared and seperate responsibilities, exclusivity rules, future children, etc. are the “usual issues” negotiated in a marriage. In a Power Exchange relationship it’s things like what areas of the relationship and “life stuff” will be given control of to the identified “Dominant” partner, aka the leader. And just like all those “holiday rituals” the day to day D/s rituals will be full of emotional content and evolving. (Wanna see a knock down drag out in a secular or Christian Christmas negotiation? Set these “rules:” Do you do gifts on Christmas Eve? Whose house do you go to for breakfast or is it dinner or both?) In a Power Exchange, it’s the titles, tasks, daily rituals, acceptable punishments, etc. that are full of emotional content.

All of the above are about how to LIVE a relationship. None of it is about sex.

BDSM is a sexual style. Sure there are specific acts one can label as BDSM or kinky but the occasionally pinning down a partner doesn’t make for a “style.” You may own and enjoy a wand, but that doesn’t make you a forced orgasm aficionado. No, I’m not referring to any one, or set of, specific sexual acts. I’m referring to a preferred overall style, aka sexual expression.

Vanilla sexual preference doesn’t preclude kink anymore than kink precludes vanilla sex.

There are plenty of D/s relationships that only have good old fashioned vanilla sex. They approach the bedroom as vanilla equals, finding their greatest sexual joy in the romantic vanilla connection and can’t ever imagine orgasm denial or leaving bruises. And that’s okay!

There are also plenty of vanilla relationships where the minute the bedroom door closes, one partner takes absolute control and vanilla becomes a flavor of ice cream shared during aftercare.