Untitled

https://www.amazon.com/Decoration-Hashanah-Supplies-Atonement-Forgiveness/dp/B08DKD817G It’s a yom kippur “party” decoration.  this is one of the funniest things ive EVER SEEN

W H A T

Look at the description…please….

And, “will be... welcomed at.... family reunion.” 

some bullshit about batman’s schedule

first off, sleep. i’m using this site as a source because i might as well. does anything on this site have any scientific backing whatsoever? who knows, who cares, it looks legit and that’s all that matters for comic book science. now: a lot of people like to attribute the “ultraman” sleep schedule to batman because then he only has to sleep two hours:

however i believe that this is goddamn stupid because then bruce wayne has to take naps constantly. and i mean constantly. the only way this schedule works is if you stick to it. the first time batman has to pull a shift longer than four hours he’s completely fucked. his sleep schedule is screwed. he’s got no room for error. even when things are going well everyone in his life is worried about him because he’s constantly sleeping and always tired what the fuck. like maybe he does this occasionally because Shit Has Gotten Real but generally fuck no, why.

here’s what i think is more reasonable, it’s the “everyman”:

this here is a schedule with some wiggle room. you can pare it down to about 4 hours which still leaves you 20 hours to do whatever the fuck, up to and including clown punching. occasional all-nighters won’t kill you too much, because all you’ve really got to do is get rid of one of those gaps and sleep straight through and you’re back in business. to an outsider it even probably looks like you slept the night. you went to bed, you slept, maybe you got up in the night because of insomnia but you came back to bed and you woke up in the morning like a normal person. being the guy who makes a habit of an afternoon siesta isn’t going to raise too many eyebrows, especially not when you’re an Eccentric Billionaire. “likes a nap after lunch” is the least suspicious thing a billionaire can do. or a poor person. or anyone.

so anyway when the fuck’s he gonna take his naps

for location purposes i am using detroit, mi, because fuck you that’s why

so step one: when is it nighttime. batmen are for nighttimes. batman only comes out during the day for emergencies, and we’re not looking at emergency scheduling right now. this is day-to-day batman operations. batperations. i’m using this site for info here. so here’s what day/night cycles look like in general (those weird fissures are daylight savings):

jun 18th you’ve barely got any nighttime at all. it’s 11-4 at best. dec 18th? TWELVE STRAIGHT HOURS. straight-up 6-6. I AM THE NIGHT AND I’M HUGE.

anyway this is so variable it’s fucking useless, jesus christ.

so let’s look at CRIME STATISTICS YAY.

according to this thing right here which probably has a better source but i don’t care, once you hit 3am there’s about jack shit happening because even criminals are fucking tired. according to this other thing, people are more likely to beat the shit out of each other when it’s hot and more likely to steal shit when it’s cold.

this infographic got cited earlier in a dead link in an article and includes dick-all about detroit so i’ll settle for chicago. gotham can be both detroit and chicago. it’s fake i do what i want. anyway aside from a weird spike at lunchtime most shootings happen after five but before midnight. assaults actually mostly happen during the day because that’s when you have to be around people and therefore that’s when you’ll punch a motherfucker. anyway i think we’ll have to assume that batman can’t be worrying about every single instance of a motherfucker getting punched in gotham and therefore does not account for it in his schedule.

robberies! once again the stats say 5pm-12 but it seems pretty likely that people are actually getting robbed while they’re at work and just reporting it when they get home and their shit is gone. still: ain’t shit happening after midnight. like a mogwai.

burgling, ham and otherwise: MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DAY. can you believe that shit. batman have you considered a less nocturnal animal. still, there’s a lull again between 12-6am. with theft there’s a lull between 1am-9am but otherwise that’s another all-day thing.

basically night is when the least crimes happen, except for shootings. which. okay. that makes sense for batman. clearly he has a personal interest in singling out shootings as The Worst Crime.

SO WHEN DOES BATMAN PROBABLY SLEEP:

4:30-7:30am for one big sleep. six hours later he takes an afternoon nap at like 1:30, for twenty minutes. three hours and forty minutes later, it’s 5:30, time for another twenty minute nap. he’s in his office just sleeping at his desk. no one even notices. he looks like he’s reading this report REALLY intensely. his third nap is probably all over the place depending on the time of year. sometimes he probably opts to just sleep longer and take fewer naps.

GOD IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHEN JUSTICE SLEEPS.

anyway based on all that we can safely say that batmanning usually doesn’t get started until after 6pm, at the earliest, under ordinary circumstances when no one is trying to blow up the whole city. that seems like a monthly sort of a thing. maybe biweekly depending on if you mean twice a week or every two weeks. most of the time, though, dude has between 3am and 6pm (MINIMUM) to sleep and run a company and do whatever else. so that’s 15 hours, minus four hours of sleep - 11 hours of who gives a fuck, and that’s assuming a long night of batman. bruce wayne ain’t workin’ 8 hour days i guarantee that. here’s the ceo of ge trying to sound busy and sounding like he does fuck-all so yeah sure i totes believe bruce wayne could do that guy’s job and also fight crime.

(what i think about how wayne enterprises is structured and bruce’s function within it is a whole nother bullshit post but tl;dr privately-held multinational conglomerate with a wayne as chairman and ceo)

(i actually like to treat wayne enterprises as analogous to ge for most purposes and while i am well aware that there is little to no precedent for a privately-held company to be that fukken huge, do you know what else is unprecedented: a batman)

there are probably going to be some nights when bruce has to stay up late entertaining guests at fancy parties, but again those are probably more of a once-or-twice-a-month kind of thing. unfortunately, fancy party hours are - according to this totally bullshit excuse for research - also Peak Crime Times. but if crime peaks on weekends, maybe wednesdays are chill. can you imagine bruce wayne constantly throwing parties on wednesdays, like an asshole. “why wednesdays???” sensible people ask. “to annoy you, and you specifically” he says. it makes his parties more exclusive. who can party on a wednesday night. only the coolest motherfuckers in gotham, that’s who. like super-cool bruce wayne who definitely passed out drunk and isn’t taking his regularly scheduled old-man nap.

because i’m pretty sure alfred has two jobs:

be awake and available for Batman while Batman’s awake

be awake and handling shit for Batman while Batman’s asleep

so uh

yeah

1) The thought of other people enjoying what you love makes you happy

2) that’s it. That’s the only criteria

3) Why are you still reading?

4) Are you really that desperate to feel better than other people?

5) Fine.

6) Unless you’ve referred to yourself as a fan at least one (1) time

bava metzia 59b

If a man made an oven out of separate coils [of clay, placing one upon another], then put sand between each of the coils [1] such an oven, R. Eliezer declared, is not susceptible to defilement, while the sages declared it susceptible. [2]

It is taught: On that day R. Eliezer brought forward every imaginable argument, but the Sages did not accept any of them. Finally he said to them: “If the Halakhah (religious law) is in accordance with me, let this carob tree prove it!” Sure enough the carob tree immediately uprooted itself and moved one hundred cubits, and some say 400 cubits, from its place. “No proof can be brought from a carob tree,” they retorted.

And again he said to them “If the Halakhah agrees with me, let the channel of water prove it!” Sure enough, the channel of water flowed backward. “No proof can be brought from a channel of water,” they rejoined.

Again he urged, “If the Halakhah agrees with me, let the walls of the house of study prove it!” Sure enough, the walls tilted as if to fall. But R. Joshua, rebuked the walls, saying, “When disciples of the wise are engaged in a halakhic dispute, what right have you to interfere?” Hence in deference to R. Joshua they did not fall and in deference to R. Eliezer they did not resume their upright position; they are still standing aslant.

Again R. Eliezer then said to the Sages, “If the Halakhah agrees with me, let it be proved from heaven.” Sure enough, a divine voice cried out, “Why do you dispute with R. Eliezer, with whom the Halakhah always agrees?” R. Joshua stood up and protested: “The Torah is not in heaven!” (Deut. 30:12). We pay no attention to a divine voice because long ago at Mount Sinai You wrote in your Torah at Mount Sinai, `After the majority must one incline’. (Ex. 23:2)“

R. Nathan met [the prophet] Elijah [3] and asked him, "What did the Holy One do at that moment?” Elijah: “He laughed [with joy], saying, ‘My children have defeated Me, My children have defeated Me.’”

Footnotes:

[1] Since each portion in itself is not a utensil, and the sand between the portions prevents the oven from being regarded as a single utensil, therefore, according to R. Eliezer, the oven is not liable to defilement. The sages, however, hold that the oven’s outer coating of mortar or cement unifies the coils so that the oven is liable to defilement.

[2] The oven discussed was the oven of Akhnai.

I can think of exactly one way that the term could be used accurately: Referring to a book of the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible as a “Judeo-Christian holy book,” and even then you’d have to make sure you’re not talking about a translation/interpretation that Judaism utterly rejects (like, say, the binding of Isaac foreshadowing Jesus. Or anything about Jesus, really. If it mentions Jesus, Jews probably reject it.)

Honestly, it’s kind of impressive that you can have a term that is so completely wrong about Judaism, since there are only, like, five things that all Jews agree on, and “We are not Christians” is about three of them.

(The other two are “Everybody hates us” and “we should celebrate the fact that we’re still alive with food.)

And I know it might seem like we’re over-reacting, but Christianity has spent the past 2000 years trying to force us to so thoroughly abandon everything that makes us different from them until we utterly cease to exist, so erasing those differences is actually a big fucking deal.

i heard the best and most pure jewish joke of all time recently and i must share it with all of you:

Four rabbis are engaged in a heated theological argument. Three of the rabbis are convinced that their interpretation of a tractate of the mishnah is correct, while the fourth rabbi vehemently disagrees. after several hours of spirited debate, once the fourth rabbi realizes he’s getting nowhere, he decides to appeal to a higher authority.

“Oh g-d,” he prays, “I know that I’m right and they’re wrong, but they just won’t listen to me. Will you send them a sign to help me prove it?”

Just as soon as the Rabbi finishes praying, storm clouds gather above the four rabbis’ heads and a massive thunderclap sounds.

“Well?” says the fourth Rabbi, but the other three tell him it doesn’t mean anything, that storm clouds often form during this time of the day and thunder is a normal part of a storm.

So the fourth Rabbi prays again: “Oh G-d, it didn’t work, they don’t believe me! Can you send them a bigger sign?”

Not a second after the fourth Rabbi closes his mouth, the storm clouds begin to swirl together and a bolt of lightning shoots down and hits the ground directly next to where the rabbis are standing.

“Do you see?” cries the fourth rabbi. “That’s a sign from G-d that I’m right and you’re wrong!” But again the other three rabbis dismiss him, saying that obviously a lightning bolt doesn’t prove anything since they just heard thunder less than a minute ago and lightning is a natural part of a thunderstorm.

“Oh G-d!” cries the fourth Rabbi. “Still they don’t believe me! Please, G-d, send them a sign they can’t ignore!”

As soon as the fourth Rabbi finishes speaking, the clouds part, a ray of sunlight lands on the fourth Rabbi, and a deep, booming voice comes down from the sky, saying “HEEEEEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHTTT!”

“HA!” says the fourth Rabbi. “What do you have to say to THAT?”

Then there’s an epilogue where one of the Rabbis runs into Elijah (who mostly lives in Heaven but hangs out on Earth a lot) and asks him how G-d responded.

G-d started laughing and said, “My children have bested me.”

-our sacred texts include more than just the 5 books of the “old testament” 

-we don’t call it the old testament and please don’t call it that unless you’re referring to the christian use of it, when talking about the jewish torah use the term “hebrew scriptures” 

-torah = the 5 first books (genesis exodus leviticus deuteronomy numbers)  + the prophets and the writings (song of songs, psalms, etc)

-there is also Talmud (mishnah and gemara) which is where conversations by rabbis about how Jewish law should work were recorded (mishna) and further commented / debated on (gemara), and the law codes that later simplified and revised the talmud for better practical use (the shulchan aruch and mishne torah), sages’ commentaries on these law texts, and centuries of responsa to them. these texts are where you will find a lot of the rituals, observances, and rules that Jews follow (so for example the kosher laws, when we say what blessings, how we celebrate holidays, etc). so no, we do not participate in “old” testament ritual sacrifice and looking directly in there for how Jews live is a rather fruitless attempt. 

-sometimes the word “torah” can refer to talmud as well, it can refer to any study of holy texts. 

-responses and interpretations of Jewish law and scriptures goes on to this day

-Midrash is another type of important jewish texts which are basically poetic or interperative writings about the things in the torah/talmud/etc, comparable to parables, written by various jewish scholars to think through Jewish thought, history, religion, etc. not seen as binding legal texts but rather ways of thinking through torah/judaism. there are ancient published midrashim as well as modern ones. 

-Basically understand that Jewish textual tradition goes far beyond what you know of the Hebrew scriptures and “Jewish practice is just Christianity without the New Testament” is terribly inaccurate.

-The idea that “Jews just do ancient barbaric Old Testament rituals” is ages old antisemitic slander. 

Torah is the first five books of Hebrew Bible.

Torah is the first five books... 

Except when you’re talking Written Torah vs. Oral Torah, in which case it’s the Hebrew Bible and the Talmud respectively.

Or when you’re talking more generally, in which case it could easily be a mishmash of Bible text and midrashic ideas

Or when the Torah itself uses the word, in which case it just means teaching and may actually refer to a single specific law or idea.

I also remember my brothers always being told to wear hats when we went to baseball games so no one would see their Kippot.

But also, can we talk about how amazing the idea of the Malakh Hamavet getting confused by two people having the same name is?

(Side note, would that mean that the older relative wouldn’t die when they were supposed to? Or does a confused Malakh Hamavet just kill both people?