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1.  “Lydia is dead.  But they don’t know this yet.” 

- “Everything I Never Told You,” by Celeste Ng.

Ng’s masterpiece (which you all need to read, like, yesterday by the way) seamlessly pulls the reader under with this captivatingly cryptic opening line.  

She poses several questions right off the bat (who is Lydia?  Why is she dead?  Who killed her?) that keep the reader captivated for the entirety of the novel.  

Of course, Ng is aided in keeping the reader hooked with her immaculately crafted, three-dimensional characters, with all of whom the reader can’t help but empathize by the story’s end, but this doesn’t make her opening line any less masterful.  She is, in all ways, an amazing writer.     

2.  “There was a boy called Eustace Clarance Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.” 

- “Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” by C.S. Lewis.

Okay, first of all, I’d like to point out the substantial irony in a person named Clive Staples Lewis critiquing anyone else’s name.  But that by no regard diminishes the comedic brilliance of this line.  

Even if I hadn’t been such a Narnia fanatic as a child, this line alone would have made me want to become one.  Sometimes, all you really need to do is make the audience laugh with a well-crafted joke.  

3.  “All this happened, more or less.” 

- “Slaughterhouse-Five,” Kurt Vonnegut. 

Who doesn’t love Vonnegut?  Well, I might not be the most impartial person to ask about this.  His absurdist sense of humor taps into something visceral in me. 

Nevertheless, there’s something about this line that has a near universal appeal:  it shows that the author is self aware enough not to take his work too seriously, and also shows that the work should be a lot of fun.  There’s also a familial quality about it, like listening to a tall tail from a favorite relative, and creates a sense of personability that remains prevalent throughout the novel.

4.  “Call me Ishmael.  Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.“ 

- “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville. 

I wanted to skip this one, I really did, if only because it’s so unanimously acknowledged as one of the best opening lines in literature.  But it really is amazing.  

It creates an immediate sense of conversation between narrator and reader, without being overly personable.  Ishmael cuts right to the chase, and plunges us immediately in to the story at hand, like a harpoon into the blubbery flank of a wale.

Also, in context of the dramatic events of the story, I can’t help but find his casual attitude about the ordeal very amusing. 

5.  “If you’re reading this on a screen, fuck off.  I’ll only talk if I’m gripped with both hands.” 

- “Book of Numbers,” by Joshua Cohen.

This is a book that knows what it wants and is not afraid to ask for it.  Cohen’s book is meta fiction at its finest, and its opening line is unabashedly reflective of its own self-awareness.

Book of Numbers isn’t for everybody, but it’s hard not to love this opening line.

6.  “It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn’t been invented yet. But clouds massing east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, and it was going to be a big one.”

- “Good Omens,” by Neil Gaiman and Terri Pratchett. 

I’m not going to lie: Good Omens is one of my all-time favorite books.  This opening line is a promise for the themes that are prevalent throughout the book:  hidden depth, wit, and existential questions beneath a thick layer of upbeat, cheerful irreverence and satire.  

Like the book itself, it asks serious questions without ever taking itself too seriously, and makes for an enormously fun read that will make you laugh and make you think.  I highly recommend it.

7.   “I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids—and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination—indeed, everything and anything except me.”

- “Invisible Man,” by Ralph Ellison. 

This one is both an objectively intriguing opening line, and a potent one, when viewed in the context that Ellison himself was a Black man.  Published in 1952, the line resonates with marginalized groups to this very day, and is evocative of a very real struggle – the “invisibility” – of Black Americans, then and now.

It is timelessly pertinent and powerful.  

8.   “The story so far:  In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

- “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe,” by Douglas Adams. 

Oh, Douglas Adams.  One of my greatest sources of literary inspiration, who taps into my sense of dry, somewhat absurdist humor like no other.  I might have to make another post devoted to all of my favorite of his lines, but that’s not the point here. 

This line is magnificent, because it immediately sets the tone for the novel and gives the reader a clear image of what to expect (predominantly, razor-sharp wit and satire.)  It’s also short and simplistic, and very clearly doesn’t take itself too seriously, just like the novel itself.  

9.  “Shadow had done three years in prison. He was big enough and looked don’t-fuck-with-me enough that his biggest problem was killing time. So he kept himself in shape, and taught himself coin tricks, and thought a lot about how much he loved his wife.”

- “American Gods,” by Neil Gaiman. 

This line is, in my opinion, almost perfect.  It gives us an immediate image of Shadow, his personality, his values, and the challenges he’s facing, while at the same time jumping right into the action of the story without wasting the readers’ time with needless exhibitionism.  

It also creates immediate interest in the story, and asks many questions that can only be answered if by continuing to read it.  It’s almost as amazing as the book itself.

10.   “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

- “Pride and Prejudice,” by Jane Austen.

This is another one that I, for the sheer purpose of originality, wanted to avoid getting around for the purpose of this list, but there’s simply no avoiding it:  this line is amazing.  It’s a crime of our era that people consider Austen such a “serious” writer, when she was, in fact, possibly the greatest satirist of her time.  

I got pretty fed up with looking for words to replace said because they weren’t sorted in a way I could easily use/find them for the right time. So I did some myself.

IN RESPONSE TO Acknowledged Answered Protested

INPUT/JOIN CONVERSATION/ASK Added Implored Inquired Insisted Proposed Queried Questioned Recommended Testified

GUILTY/RELUCTANCE/SORRY Admitted Apologized Conceded Confessed Professed

FOR SOMEONE ELSE Advised Criticized Suggested

JUST CHECKING Affirmed Agreed Alleged Confirmed

LOUD Announced Chanted Crowed

LEWD/CUTE/SECRET SPY FEEL Appealed Disclosed Moaned

ANGRY FUCK OFF MATE WANNA FIGHT Argued Barked Challenged Cursed Fumed Growled Hissed Roared Swore

SMARTASS Articulated Asserted Assured Avowed Claimed Commanded Cross-examined Demanded Digressed Directed Foretold Instructed Interrupted Predicted Proclaimed Quoted Theorized

ASSHOLE Bellowed Boasted Bragged

NERVOUS TRAINWRECK Babbled Bawled Mumbled Sputtered Stammered Stuttered

SUAVE MOTHERFUCKER Bargained Divulged Disclosed Exhorted

FIRST OFF Began

LASTLY Concluded Concurred

WEAK PUSY Begged Blurted Complained Cried Faltered Fretted

HAPPY/LOL Cajoled Exclaimed Gushed Jested Joked Laughed

WEIRDLY HAPPY/EXCITED Extolled Jabbered Raved

BRUH, CHILL Cautioned Warned

ACTUALLY, YOU’RE WRONG Chided Contended Corrected Countered Debated Elaborated Objected Ranted Retorted

CHILL SAVAGE Commented Continued Observed Surmised

LISTEN BUDDY Enunciated Explained Elaborated Hinted Implied Lectured Reiterated Recited Reminded Stressed

BRUH I NEED U AND U NEED ME Confided Offered Urged

FINE Consented Decided

TOO EMO FULL OF EMOTIONS Croaked Lamented Pledged Sobbed Sympathized Wailed Whimpered

JUST SAYING Declared Decreed Mentioned Noted Pointed out Postulated Speculated Stated Told Vouched

WASN’T ME Denied Lied

EVIL SMARTASS Dictated Equivocated Ordered Reprimanded Threatened

BORED Droned Sighed

SHHHH IT’S QUIET TIME Echoed Mumbled Murmured Muttered Uttered Whispered

DRAMA QUEEN Exaggerated Panted Pleaded Prayed Preached

OH SHIT Gasped Marveled Screamed Screeched Shouted Shrieked Yelped Yelled

ANNOYED Grumbled Grunted Jeered Quipped Scolded Snapped Snarled Sneered

ANNOYING Nagged

I DON’T REALLY CARE BUT WHATEVER Guessed Ventured

I’M DRUNK OR JUST BEING WEIRDLY EXPRESSIVE FOR A POINT/SARCASM Hooted Howled Yowled

I WONDER Pondered Voiced Wondered

OH, YEAH, WHOOPS Recalled Recited Remembered

SURPRISE BITCH Revealed

IT SEEMS FAKE BUT OKAY/HA ACTUALLY FUNNY BUT I DON’T WANT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD Scoffed Snickered Snorted

She leaned forward until her lips brushed his ear.  “Why don’t you leave that till tomorrow and come with me now.”

His eyes drifted away, hazy with memory, to the flickering lamp on the mantel.  “Time was when our greetings didn’t include pulling weapons on each other.”

“I’ve got a surprise for you.”  She tapped a pen coyly against her lips.  “But you’re not going to like it very much.”

One trick I learned in a self-editing course (editor Angela James’ “Before You Hit Send”, which I cannot recommend highly enough), is when I find myself using (and overusing) the construction like so (taken from my current WIP):

“Great! It’s an easy fix, just needed to track down the problem in the first place,” he said, leaning against the bulkhead, wiping the grease from his hands with a rag.

can very very easily become:

“Great! It’s an easy fix, just needed to track down the problem in the first place.” He leaned against the bulkhead, wiping the grease from his hands with a rag.

Streamlined, clear, and uses what PA demonstrated before. If you’re using “he said, doing action”, just cut “he said” cause it’s unnecessary most of the time. Sometimes I’ll leave it just for variety or because I prefer the rhythm of it in a particular line, but most of the time, it goes.

But seriously, SERIOUSLY IT CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH, use the words in the original post here sparingly. SO SPARINGLY. If you can express how the character says what they’re saying in literally any other way, you’re probably better off doing so. And honestly, most of the time, you don’t need to use your dialogue attribution to tell us how the character is feeling, when you can use the actions and narration around the dialogue to show us.