Invisible Meat Theremin

Like this. And it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful to hear a soliloquy I loved so much already, and have it come to life in a way it never, ever, did before. I feel like I grasp his motivations, his twists and turns, no longer on an academic level but on a visceral, instinctive one. Because he’s presenting his mental and emotional journey in a way that speaks honestly, like a real person.

Wonder how this queen is doing today

But one day, I think it was August 2021, I flipped a coin. Thinking back, I think it might have been the first time in my life I'd ever flipped a coin. But we were deciding where to eat, me and my friends.

And then it happened. The coin landed on the table, heads... and also on the floor, tails. I tracked the coin with my eyes, but suddenly realized I was looking at two things at the same time. It was like crossing your eyes, and seeing things kinda overlaid on top of eachother, kinda mixing and fading in and out, but with four eyes instead of two.

It was such a weird experience. At first I just stood there kinda motionless, trying to figure out what was going on. Then my friend bent down and picked up the coin off the floor, and said "Hah! Tails! Pizza!" and also she just stood there and said "Damnit. Heads. Guess we're gonna get burgers after all."

And I looked down at her and up at her at the same time.

That's really when the desynch started. I reached for the coin on the table and held a fuzzy, half-there, transparent coin in my hand.

I began to feel kinda sick. We got in the car and things got more and more confusing. Thank goodness I wasn't driving that day. My friends were having two increasingly different conversations and I just sat there kinda dissociating. By the time we got to the two different restaurants I was nauseated and I had a bad headache. I stayed in the car in the parking lot at the pizza place for a few minutes until the other car going to the burger place parked. One of my friends was worried and stayed with me, so that was nice. But when I tried getting out of the car, everything went wrong.

One of my bodies walked right into another car and fell down on the ground, while the other stopped and froze in place. The completely different sense of proprioception completely broke me.

I was basically bedridden for a week. Slowly I relearned how to move, and walk, and talk. I had two bodies, in two timelines, connected by a single consciousness. My brain(s?) had to learn how to control two bodies at the same time.

It's like, pretty weird, but I'm used to it these days. My two sets of eyes no longer overlay on top of one another, they're kinda separate. It's hard to describe. I think my brain got better at multitasking too, I can walk in one timeline and draw in the other, for example.

Things kept getting more and more different, as much as I tried to enforce keeping things the same. Finally I started seeing my therapist again.

I had to convince her that what I was experiencing was real. So I asked her to think of her favorite food and her favorite color. Then in the "Burger" timeline I asked her to tell me her favorite food, and in the "Pizza" timelines I asked her to tell me her favorite color. And I told her her favorite color in the burger timeline and her favorite food in the pizza timeline (Spaghetti and Red, btw.)

She quizzed me on a few other things and sometimes her answers differed between the two timelines which was pretty frustrating, and I don't think she really believed me at first, but she was nice enough to play along at least. And like, not have me committed.

I ended up scheduling my therapy so that I have meetings on pizza tuesday and burger friday, so they're kinda spaced out more evenly. It also just makes the meetings a little less confusing. Ironically doing the same thing in both timelines is actually more distracting than doing different things.

In late 2022 I transitioned. I decided to come out in the burger timeline and stay in the closet in the pizza timeline, so if everything fell apart I'd still have one normal timeline. And like, my parents did not support me. Most of my friends did, but some of them drifted away. And I found that just made me resentful of my parents and those friends in the pizza timeline. And the dysphoria of being a guy in the pizza timeline while living as a woman in the burger timeline was killing me. So when I got on HRT in early 2023 I decided I couldn't take it anymore, I had to transition in both timelines. So I did. Ironically things went a little smoother in the pizza timeline, probably because I was already more confident about presenting female.

I ended up making some transfem friends in the burger timeline, and I sought them out in the pizza timeline too.

It's kind of a mixed bag, this phenomenon. You know like, pain is a lot worse. One week I had a bad tummy ache in the pizza timeline and a bad toothache in the burger timeline. Or like, if I have back pain in one timeline, not having back pain in the other timeline doesn't relieve the feeling at all.

It's such a cool thing, like. When I first started out I had all these conflicting signals in my limbs and body and stuff. But now it's just like. Yeah I have a pizza arm and a burger arm, just like I have a left arm and a right arm. They're the same, but different.

When I make a drawing in one timeline, I don't have access to it in the other timeline, which is really annoying because I keep wanting to show people art I made in the other timeline. One day I'll figure out some kind of interdimensional data transfer protocol. I mean I guess I could like, convert the file into hexadecimal text, and then manually type it out and hope I don't make any mistakes. I'd have to compress the hell out of the file though. Maybe I'll try that one of these days when I don't have anything to do in either timeline.

But I get to spend more time with my friends, because I can schedule hanging out on different days of the same week. Does get kinda confusing when I confuse things that happened in one timeline for another.

Because like, ever since that coin flip, the timelines have been steadily moving further apart. You'd be surprised how little the weather has changed. Like, sometimes there's a little rain shower in one timeline a few minutes earlier than in the other, but all the big storms and hurricanes and stuff are basically the same. I guess it's harder to influence these continent-scale systems than the butterfly effect predicts.

I get to see almost twice as much meteors during meteor showers because I can look in two directions at once. Meteors hit the atmosphere in exactly the same way at exactly the same time.

But it does affect a lot of other little things. Even when you don't realize it, you affect the lives of everyone you come into contact with in little ways, and that spreads. I know people with different jobs in each timeline, people who have different relationships. Even people I don't know that well.

I wasn't quick enough in the pizza timeline to keep my friend from. Well. To save my friend's life. But I rushed over to her house in the burger timeline and talked her down. It's so weird, grieving a person you still talk to every week. Because it ended up being this kind of abstract pain. Everyone else is missing her and you're standing there like. Yeah. I have plans to see a movie with her on burger tuesday. I went to her funeral just to make sure that I saw the dead body so I could really internalize that she was gone. And I still didn't cry. It made me feel like a terrible person.

My friends never really take me all that seriously when I talk about being split like this. They kinda play along but I can tell they think it's a joke. It's whatever. But my friend's girlfriend came into my DMs one night sobbing and cry-typing and begging me to let her talk to her gf one last time. I wasn't sure it was a good idea. But I relented, and made plans to have a sort of interdimensional seance.

I could tell my friend--we'll call her Elsie, and we'll call her girlfriend Robin. I could tell Elsie was pretty awkward about it. I think she felt guilty on behalf of her other, dead self. Robin kept saying stuff like "how could you kill yourself, how could you do this to me," and I would have to say that, and Elsie was just like "I'm sorry." And it was really hard to get Robin to understand that we weren't talking to Elsie's dead spirit, we were talking to her in another timeline. I told her she didn't have to apologize, and I told Robin that guilt tripping the dead was kind of rude.

After that things went a little more smoothly, Robin asked about how Elsie's life had gone, how their relationship had progressed you know like if they were still together, things like that. Elsie said some stuff that I wouldn't have known, and Robin was like. Wow you really are talking to Elsie aren't you?

And I was just like :| yep.

Ever since then my friends keep trying to get my help with stuff. Like they'll ask me what their other self is doing, like, ok, for instance, my friend, we'll call her Jane, she wanted to ask out her crush, and she was like ok. Can you ask the burger version of my crush if she likes me back. Which kinda throws the burger version of her under the bus doesn't it!

And another of my friends wanted to know if she'd regret quitting her job, so she told me to ask the other her to quit her job, and then if it went well she'd do the same. I did ask, and she said no, obviously.

Definitely will be painting more grapes. I was intimidated for years but ended up really enjoying it!

But also, and this is really important to keep in mind regarding bigotry that still causes in many ways larger problems, that the structural problems are not actually fixed.

If you go to any computer lab or public library, the mice will be on the right side of the computer. Sometimes they can be moved. Sometimes they can't. Many computer mice are curved to only fit in right hands.

It is impossible to find lefthanded scissors without going to a specialty store, because most scissor makers don't even make them. And it's not just a matter of grip; the slicing side of the blades is obscured if you use righty scissors in your left hand, so your cut is off.

All those signing pads with the little chained styluses? Almost always on the right side, often not even long enough to stretch to the left. Makes signing for lefties extremely difficult.

I caused actual muscular problems in college having to twist around in order to write at right-handed desks in college when there weren't enough lefty desks--and there never were. Some classrooms didn't even have a single one.

I could go on.

Pause for a moment, especially if you’re right-handed—and I’m being serious here, physically do this if you have two functioning arms and hands—and grab a writing tool in your left hand. Now place your right index finger down and try to start writing a word next to it.

Yeah. Great technique, huh? Really convenient and comfortable and easy. 🙃

I sent in a small baggie of small popsicle sticks I’d custom painted for them and labeled with their name for kiddo to use instead, but ultimately they stopped because it wasn’t as convenient when nobody else had to get something out.

Writing in English is difficult enough when you’re left-handed (most of our letters are designed with pull motions, but lefties must push), but even other foundational basics are made more difficult than they have to be, because their needs aren’t considered, even in situations where overt hostility isn’t intended.

Even now, in an older grade, they’re now all sharing a lot of the supplies, but my kiddo has their own pair of labeled lefty scissors they keep in their personal cubby. Teacher was 100% chill with me sending them in, but didn’t even consider to take the step further when I’d asked about whether or not they had them to just… get some for all the lefties. I know there are other kids, know some of them personally. (I made a set of writing spacing sticks for the single one that I knew of back in 1st grade.)

Regarding computer mice? Kiddo had standardized testing last year. They do it on chromebooks now at their school. They did their entire first day with the track pad instead of the mouse, because none of the teachers proctoring or assisting even knew you COULD switch the sides/toggle a setting to switch which button was the dominant select. We happened to have one at home thanks to remote learning during Covid’s early days, so that night we sat down together and found the setting ourselves so they could fix it the following day. But on a student account at school, they couldn’t change that setting. And? None of those teachers knew enough about technology to be able to override it. So even when I went above and beyond and personally sought out the skills and tools to help my child level the playing field on their own, the teaching staff was so unaccustomed to even considering this as a need or problem, that they weren’t able to remove the incredibly basic barriers to a fair schooling experience.

Big story: My second master's degree, the school had a clinician come in to do a workshop on unconscious bias and whatnot. To explain privilege in a way that would (theoretically) not immediately get dismissed by the more conservative among us, she got us talking instead about handedness. She asked the right handed people "when is the last time you thought about which hand you use?" And the answer was, of course: never. A small number of people had sort of thought about it, but they struggled to name a time that it had come to mind. Then for the lefties: "when is the last time you thought about which hand you use?" My answer was, two minutes ago when we all sat down. Because of course, all of the lefties were hoping to get the corner seat at their table so that they wouldn't be bumping elbows with their neighbors (though funny enough, all the lefties ended up at the same table anyway). Right handed people rarely-to-never think about where they're sitting at the dinner table; if they do think about it, I 100% guarantee it's because they dine regularly with a lefty.

we've had positive interactions before Rina and I saw this from your blog not from any of the people arguing with you, so I hope you're able to take this as well meaning as I intend it.

I can't perfectly describe everything happening here because I only have so much time and confronting transmisogyny directly like this is very discomforting, but I do think this is transmisogynistic and it's sad to see.

it's true that misogyny is rampant and not widely condemned in society, and if that's all you were noting like some of the other tags on this post, I would probably just move on because while I don't think winged-void was claiming that it isn't, it's not wrong to note explicitly.

but what you've done here is a few steps further than that, and you've approached a trans woman very hostily about misogyny and doubled down on it as well. it's true that it didn't originally say "progressive spaces" or something, but this is pretty clearly a vent post speaking about a specific type of experience. the first line can be read grammatically less as a statement of "this is what happens in the general context" and more in the way of "in the context set up by this line; second line". which is to say: in the context that people frown upon misogyny, they often still enjoy transmisogyny.

this is a completely reasonable interpretation of the original post and it seems like you've completely discarded it. you've also stated that no space has managed to create a space outside patriarchy, which is true in the most literal sense, but the implication is that there are no spaces or types of spaces which misogyny receives pushback. this is why you're being called a cryptoterf in the notes, because the universality and primacy of misogyny as fundamentally inescapable is perhaps the most defining trait of terfism and what separates radical feminism more broadly from other feminisms. there's several reasons why this view of misogyny is deeply harmful, it often leads directly to downplaying other forms of discrimination like racism, but it also leads to pretty directly to a sort of female-pessimism of the separatist trend, most visible of these probably being dworkin, who rather infamously advocates for an Israel for women, using much the same rhetoric zionists do, that women will never be safe otherwise because of how inescapable misogyny is, even explicitly so drawing the comparison to Israel/antisemitism repeatedly by name in her book on the subject. another reason is this perspective is harmful is that it totally inverts historical materialism and places gender at the base of class distinctions, which is not remotely backed up by anthropology or any modern science really. it deemphasizes the primacy of class struggle and substitutes sex struggle, a substitution which has been responsible for most of the worst mistakes of radical feminist thought.

the issue is also obviously visible in real life - are there no spaces where misogyny is generally frowned upon? the idea is so laughable that I have trouble thinking this is what you intended to imply, i think more likely you're trying to make a point about how this isnt the general case, and most places are misogynistic*, in which case it loops back to the above paragraphs about interpretation, so I'll move on. *(or saying that in these cases people aren't truly anti-patriarchal, just superficially, which I'll touch on in a moment)

is saying misogyny is a societal wide problem terfism? no, but saying that its fundamentally inescapable, moreover, never even opposed or combatted, while speaking over trans women, you can start to see the lines.

there are obviously spaces where misogyny receives at least superficial pushback, such as overtly feminist spaces and plenty of queer spaces as well, and we also know pretty clearly that these spaces are nevertheless not kind to trans women. does this mean they actually in reality treat cis women super well? no. even if they did would they not be misogynistic? no, because trans women are women and transmisogyny is misogyny.

but regardless, the reality is that many spaces claim to care about misogyny, and then do overtly misogynistic shit to trans women in particular and in ways above and beyond what they do to cis women. if you deny this, you deny transmisogyny. by arguing that there are no spaces where cis womens issues are even superficially recognized, you also deny that anyone can experience further marginalization in this regard. if misogyny is never believed, then being a Black or imperialized or trans woman will never make the misogyny you experience more invisible, because it's already completely and utterly ignored, and all that's left is the distinct fully unrelated experiences of marginalization, in other words, this perspective is fundamental anti-intersectional.

I say "this perspective" in reference to the perspective I outline above, not explicitly your perspective, because I understand the conclusions I've drawn likely aren't ones you share explicitly, but I do think support for them can be found within your words and it seems like some element of them are present due to the way you're doubling down on this. I really think you ought to step back and think through this a little bit more.

this post is an expression of the hyper marginalization that trans women face. it's not saying misogyny isn't real, and you don't need to teach trans women about how big an issue misogyny is, we know. what we're trying to say is that the problem is often worse for us specifically.

whenever any multiply marginalized group speaks about the way they're oppressed within their own communities, they're often made out as downplaying whatever marginalization is shared. in Black groups, Black women speaking up against misogynoir are said to be downplaying racism, in women's spaces trans women speaking against transmisogyny are said to be downplaying misogyny. can you see the pattern here?

yes, if winged void wanted to be extraordinarily precise ae could've specified the exact social context which this happened, but is that really necessary when this is a real phenomena we experience regularly? by downplaying it you either argue that it doesn't happen at all, which hopefully isn't the case, or that it's not an experience worth discussing because it downplays misogyny - the position you're appearing to take. it's not anti feminist to discuss how marginalized women are hurt even within situations that might support cis women. heck, its post didn't even say "everyone unilaterally boos and then donates money to women and says I'm sorry women" just that people booed. people boo misogyny sometimes? that's like a really real thing that happens, and especially in these queer comedy shows, where they then go on to be incredibly transmisogynistic. this is a real experience that we really need to talk about, and it shouldn't just be subordinated to cis womens concerns, because trans women are women and misogyny isn't adequately being combatted until transmisogyny is recognized as well. you're right that misogyny is still rampant in these spaces, but one of the key manifestations of this misogyny is transmisogyny and to be an effective feminist you must recognize this.

There's worse to come, folks. Strap in and stay strapped.