shitpost heist

Victory.

I wouldn't call everything"put away", because I need to build specific storage for a lot of this stuff (particularly the garden tools and power tools), but at least everything is consolidated by type and I have surfaces again.

Back when I worked at the hospital, I had to take MRI training and it was my favorite thing every time. It was only like 10 minutes long and went a little something like this:

Hey. The MRI is basically a really big magnet and by basically I mean it is and we literally never turn it off. It's like really big. Really really big and powerful and The Magnet is always on. We don't turn it off Ever, for any reason. We mean it bro, The Magnet is literally always on. It's crazy strong and will definitely kill you. So don't bring any metal into the MRI room, man. You will fuck up the machine (because The Magnet is always on) and then you will die (again, because The Magnet is always on). Here's some fun questions for you to test your understanding!

1) The ______ is always on.

2) The Magnet is ______ on.

3) How often is The Magnet on?

4) The Magnet is always __.

5) The Magnet is always on. T/F

6) The Magnet is usually on but we know to turn it off for you because you're a very special boy :) T/F

7) My weak fleshy body can survive the wrath of The Magnet. T/F

8) Look at this 500 lbs steel hospital bed, which The Magnet has crumpled into an origami crane. Imagine if that was you.

9) Is The Magnet ever off?

10) Sometimes we turn The Magnet off. T/F

Thank you for taking MRI training. We hope you learned that The Magnet is always on, because it is. It's on Right Now and it will be on every time you come to the MRI. Have fun and remember: The Magnet is always on!

I solved this by switching genres for each POV. so when you're with Protactinium-231, it's a rom-com. things are bouncy and mostly fun. but when you're with Tantalus? it's a gothic horror. he's stuck in a wheel of abuse, in a temple deep underground, where his ancient mother prunes her brood. this is where the cannibal incest comes in. but there is one shard of hope: the Elder Gods seek to rise again, and in doing so, they will spread their curse, eliminating the humans who keep his family trapped in their own filth!

and then there's Fidelgard (the last POV) who's in a more traditional politics-oriented fantasy. she alone seems to understand that the other two are bringing in their own contradictory genres, and she is SO fed up with it all.

Fidelgard is my favourite character. she was barely supposed to be in the book initially, but she ended up taking over the entire plot and changing the grande finale. my original idea was: what if Protactinium had a straight man to follow him around and go “oh no!!!” every time he did something stupid. and it’d be better if they looked fussy, so what if they had super intricate medieval clothing and a Beatles bowl-cut. then for some reason (I didn’t make her do this) Fidelgard became extremely violent and skinned a man, and I realized she was the coolest person in the world. and that’s how the book became the Fidelgard show

There’s a lot of hate on widowers and I saw a woman say “You cannot compete with a dead woman.” which is perhaps a reasonable statement to say if he’s constantly comparing you to his dead partner but that wasn’t what the post was about. And I realized “Oh my God, these people genuinely feel like they’re constantly in competition with their spouse’s exes and the ex being dead makes them feel insecure that they cannot best her.”

1) I am widowed. my Beloved Wife of Blessed Memory(tm) died in 2019

2) I got together with my current partner about 18 months later

3) when I am committing acts of Foolishness my current partner loves to gesture at the sky to my dead wife, like "do you see this shit, my liege" and regularly says to me things like "[wife's name] was right about this" when my Foolishness inevitably comes back to bite me in the ass

4) this happens. all the time

more importantly:

5) my current partner is on tumblr

6) they love to incessantly send me posts

WHICH MEANS:

7) they just sent me this post with this commentary: