“So he gives me a magic sack. Says it’s because of my kind heart or whatever. Basically if I say this one rhyme, any bird or beast I see gets put into the sack, and the sack never gets any heavier.”
“Standard fairy tale shit. I get it.”
“Yeah. And I’m like, cool, like I live in the city and I’m vegan, so I don’t need to catch anything, but cool, magic.”
“And it’s great up until about a week ago when I put a cop into the sack.”
“I don’t think straight under pressure. There’s a cop waving a gun at my face, I look over and see that I have the sack, and - I don’t know. I figure, fuck it, maybe I can go into the woods and release him later.”
“Like it’s a fucking gopher?!”
“Fucking let me tell my story.”
“Jesus. Okay. So you have a cop in the sack and you’re going to release him into the woods.”
“And that’s when the cop’s partner comes out of the car.”
“So then I also have to put him into the sack, but now I can’t release either of them-”
“-because then it’ll be two against one. So then I’m like, ‘Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck am I supposed to do now.’ Then the next day-”
“I bought a ten piece chicken nugget meal that night and put it into the bag, I figured they’d be fine. Then the next day, these detectives come over and they’re looking for the two cops. And that goes to shit, so I have to put them into the sack. And then more cops come to the apartment, and-”
“I’m going to cut you off right there. How many cops do you right now have in this sack?”
“I think I have a whole Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode in here. I’ve spent the last day fucking shoveling as much McDonalds as I can into the sack and I have no idea what the fuck I should do.”
“Is the woods still out of the question?”
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