Nettle

i am severely traumatized. raised in a crack-house by human traffickers traumatized. my reflex, when i escaped, was to Be Nice. the world is so cruel, i wanted to fill it with as much love and kindness as i could muster. so i did. i fully did. it was never feigned. i was trying. i didn't know how to be a person, let alone how just To Be. but i was willing to try. and i wanted to be a nice person. i wanted to be a liked person. i wanted to be someone that people missed, someone that people wanted to be around. i wanted to be Enough.

i used to be overly chipper, cheerful and kind, doling out compliments, always smiling, asking people questions about themselves & listening intently, encouraging others and gently correcting their self deprecation. you call yourself a stupid idiot, or worse? Don't Be Mean To My Friend, HaHa! you lambast yourself for being ugly? fat? your teeth? the way you walk? i grin through it all, painfully, you insulting the way i look, gently coaxing others out of the fucking Swamp of Misery. no no, you're not fat, person who is thinner than me! you're not ugly for your teeth, person with a better smile than mine!

and people said i was a great listener! i was The Girl To Go To with problems! i know someone who can help, i have advice, i've read about that! i always listen! i never raise my hand or voice! people said i was bubbly, a "breath of fresh spring air!", the kindest person they knew, soft spoken, articulate, thoughtful. the most considerate.

and simultaneously, it was Fake. i was Fake. She's Too Nice. It's Weird, Isn't It, How Nice She Is. She's Hiding Something. She's Secretly Conniving. She's Being Nice To Trick You! Into Thinking That She's Nice!!! Nobody Is That Nice!

no matter how earnest or genuine or heartfelt. no matter how much i meant it. it wasn't enough. it was too saccharine. and it wasn't saccharine enough.

it's never Enough. even the most spine-breaking-torn-apart-at-the-seams, load-bearing-pillars-groaning-under-tension, BEND OVER BACKWARDS kindness i can scrape with bloody fingernails out of the bottom of the barrel, ISN'T ENOUGH.

because the same people who praise you for being That Girl, that Sparkly-Gem-Of-A-Person. they will call you all sorts of ugly names, and insult you, and beat you down until that outer shell cracks. at which point they will scream and cheer, cackling with glee, about how they Knew All Along that you were Secretly Evil.

and then your "secretly evil" moment is being pushed to the absolute fucking limit, and being slightly curt or snappish, or crying in public, or raising your voice, or cussing.

and you're the person who never does any of those nasty things, which means your kindness was always a Facade, hiding the True You, the Evil Asshole! all the praise, all that talk about how considerate you are, and nobody will stop to lend you that same consideration. how thoughtful you are, so sayeth the person who will not spare a second thought to your current state, let alone a first. how kind and careful and what a good listener you are vanishes the moment they see that you DO have negative emotions!

so no. don't be a raging asshole, of course. don't scream at or hit or curse at people, don't insult them, subtly or otherwise. don't break or steal their shit. but don't grin at them either, don't lend them the shirt off of your back, don't dish out compliments in a cheerful tone.

From The Word Made Flesh series, John Stezaker, 1979

Chasing in Colorado