I feel I have got to escape this, or go mad.

Sylvia Plath

Letter to her mother

And that how you'd know for sure, based on your lived experience, that you feeling extremely bad is something to be addressed immediately and with care. That you're not supposed to be feeling like that, and it's important something be done, and your loved ones will want to help, you can ask, you can urge.

With abusive parents, you feeling panicked, distraught, grief-stricken or suicidal is not even an afterthought. It's thrown back at you as a joke to humiliate you, or a threat to control you. It's not only not given urgency or priority, it's treated as annoying, stupid, and completely your fault. Whatever is causing your distress is only increased to punish you. People presenting themselves as your loved ones don't care or think it matters at all. You'll get yelled at if you bring it up.

So you stay in this state for days, weeks, years. Thinking it's normal, that you caused it yourself, that it couldn't possibly matter because it never did. You make it worse because that's whats done, it's what feels right. You were left to rot in the worst feelings a human can experience and you learned to live that as your normal. Asking for help feels embarassing and annoying because it's been treated as such.

You don't see it as abuse. It's not a hit, a broken limb or an obvious violation of your body. But you've been broken by it. Neglect of your humanity, your well being to the point where it didn't matter if you sat in your room day after day wishing you were dead, that counts. That is extreme.

It didn't only hurt you in the moment, it left you in permanent state of distress with all exits blocked. You can't ask for help, you don't even know you're not supposed to feel like this, that it should feel better, that sometimes things can get fixed. You can't even explain how you feel without the fear of punishment or humiliation. You don't even know it's not your fault you feel this. You are only taught it can get worse. All you can do is endure.

You can have my apartment. And there will be a trust for my niece. She can have it when she's 18.

“shane and ilya’s wedding song was diamonds by rihanna” uh im pretty sure it was the moana soundtrack? as evidenced by these book screenshots my sister sent me:

The pathological environment of childhood abuse forces the development of extraordinary capacities, both creative and destructive. It fosters the development of abnormal states of consciousness in which the ordinary relations of body and mind, reality and imagination, knowledge and memory, no longer hold. These altered states of consciousness permit the elaboration of a prodigious array of symptoms, both somatic and psychological. And these symptoms simultaneously conceal and reveal their origins; they speak in disguised language of secrets too terrible for words.

Chronic childhood abuse takes place in a familial climate of pervasive terror, in which ordinary caretaking relationships have been profoundly disrupted. Survivors describe a characteristic pattern of totalitarian control, enforced by means of violence and death threats, capricious enforcement of petty rules, intermittent rewards, and destruction of all competing relationships through isolation, secrecy, and betrayal. Even more than adults, children who develop in this climate of domination develop pathological attachments to those who abuse and neglect them, attachments that they will strive to maintain even at the sacrifice of their own welfare, their own reality, or their lives."

"hockey is when you score more goals than your opponent"

"some guys in the league are fashionable. Not you tho"

"do you want to get me pregnant too, Hayden?" (yes but let's not)

"oh so now you speak bird, too?" "Fluently"

directed at a baby "tell your dad to leave me alone"

"how do you feel about getting murdered in a dark alley in two weeks"

and my favorite