train wreck

Hey, theys, gays, boys, and babes. I’m Coonz, or, if you want, I’m going by Jay. I’m in recovery, and I am learning that my way of coping is far different from others. I offend people with my jokes of self-depreciation and mental illness, and that’s what made me dabble into bastardcore, chaoscore, and traumacore. 

Besides shitposting, I am actually diagnosed and recognized with having the following:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Depressive disorder (with possible mania)

Borderline Personality Disorder

C-PTSD

Schizophrenia/Psychosis

Please note that I talk about triggering things: traumatic experiences (mental, emotional, religious, physical, grooming, sudden and unexpected death), hallucinations and delusions I might have, distressing symptoms of OCD (total avoidance of numbers, leading to fasting, dermatilomania, intrusive thoughts), and drugs.

BY FOLLOWING THIS ACCOUNT, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE SUBJECT TO THESE SUBJECTS, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE UNTAGGED.

IF YOU ARE A TERF/HOMOPHOBE, FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF IF YOU ARE A TRANSPHOBE. FUCK OFF IF YOU ARE A MAP/PEDO OR INTO DDLG. FUCK OFF IF YOU THINK MAKING FUN OF PSYCHOSIS AND/OR OCD IS FUN. 

So, I’m polyamorous, and I mean, it’s not a bad thing. What a weird thing is that I’m at this point in my relationships where I’m exploring non-monogamy hookups and stuff. And I avoided chatting about things because I feel guilty for posting stuff on this site about it. But this is recovery-related, so someone might feel the same way.

And, I had this dream. It was of a childhood crush talking to me as adults, and... He said he made a huge mistake dodging me and wishes we could have fallen in love together and not alone. 

And I woke up, dissociated, and added him on Facebook. And then on top of it, I just let my mind wander to the point of us being intimate. And I freaked out afterwards. 

Those of you who don’t know, intrusive thoughts are a major symptom of mine, and they usually involve sex.... Except I realized that it wasn’t an intrusive thought. I am seriously attracted to this guy. He’s single. He’s single, and I’m non-monogamous and I’m wondering if this is an avenue I should be going down.

The weird thing is that he was a little annoyed with me when we were younger, and he was a tiny bit of a bully. But he apologized and changed and is so humble now. 

I found out that you need to have 2 symptoms, one of them being offspring of the person. And.... Then there's other symptoms, but I fit the criteria....

So, I have a 1 in 2 chance of having it. My brother could literally die at the age of 50 from anger 1 day. So could I.