the warmest winter

        they’ve been eating frozen meals for a week, and qing’s been working and working interminably. whenever she clambers up the staircase, jia’s complete set of school pictures remind her they won’t be nailing another one next fall.        kohaku’s bed is haunted by her wondering body, whether she should depart this home, whether this family has given all it could and she no longer belonged within its peace. it was not only jia who left, but their unison. with her departure, from one day to the next, everything became empty: jia’s room, qing’s eyes, alice’s head…         yet she can’t help but wander all day in this immense mansion with only qing’s underwear on (for moral support). getting used to coziness, that’s what it is. and today she wonders if she could ever get used to leaving, she wonders what qing would think. what alice would think. kohaku wonders if they’d let her. kohaku wonders, all day long, in qing’s underwear, in the small cage of her bed, for a week. her eyes are red, her lips are scabbed, her head burns. she  w o n d e r s.           interrupted by the door’s unexpected opening, kohaku puts a shirt on, rushes downstairs with her feet making sticky sounds. it’s qing, she’s early. and as she normally does, she helps her with bags, with clothes. but she avoids to inquire about her day because she’d hate to make qing lie. instead she proposes that they order from her favorite restaurant, watch a movie after, if she’s up for it. they haven’t done that in too long, she adds. she even lets herself smile, there isn’t anyone else to witness.         half-way into the movie, kohaku admits she’s been thinking about things. she looks forward, making it easier to pronounce, to dare. but when she turns to qing, she’s met with surprise and… something else. like she didn’t even consider kohaku to have a mind of her own, as if she’d been plotting. meanwhile she’s been thinking about qing’s plans, where she’d move, who she’d forget first. kohaku tried to picture what kind of apartment she’d like, how her coat and her bags would be thrown on the floor because she wasn’t there… she’d even imagined qing waking up breathless because there wasn’t her crushing weight on her.            it’s in a hurry that she says something to counter her previous words. ❛ i’ve been thinking i’d miss you more than i miss japan, ❜ she risked aloud, the television’s colors flashing on qing’s cheek. ❛ i don’t know what you expect now, from me, or… ❜   fingers pulled at the collar of her shirt, she sighed like a tower about to collapse.  ❛ it’s just weird of me, to you know, say that i like you and because of that i’m worried you want to… send me back ❜ she wasn’t finished, she could’ve further explained but qing’s arms couldn’t wait to engulf her, sweet voice telling her to shut her mouth in her gentle way.            ❛ so you’re glad with me? ❜ then qing smiles a little, maybe her question’s a little amusing, she can’t know.  ❛ i’m glad too.. ❜ whispers kohaku, millimeters away from the mouth who conciliates her tonight. there isn’t much space to wonder when you feel, the comfort, the humming, the softness. heart beat serene and loud, how she thinks she’ll never miss sleeping in a washing machine when she could as well lay her head on qing’s chest.