Stiff Jab

Canecão became the Refugee House on the penultimate night of the Olympics. 

You will not be able to cheer from ringside, sister. 

You will not be able to plug in, log on and zone out. 

You will not be able to binge on beach volleyball and Caipirinhas at the corporate lounge, 

Because the revolution is a dance party.

Brazil’s media landscape is dominated by Grupo Globo, controlled by the three Marinho brothers, each worth $5.4 billion. The Marinhos are openly critical of the Workers’ Party and advocating for TMDB control of the country. 

The revolution will not require a Visa card. 

The revolution will not be brought to you by Petrobras and McDonalds’ Delicious new Petroleum McMeal Deal. 

The revolution will not feature slo­-mo replays of Michael Phelps’ Speedo, Simone Biles’ eyeliner, and Ryan Lochte pissing in the pool, 

Because the revolution is a dance party, sister.

"This is the worst time in Brazil since the military dictatorship. You cannot just be an artist anymore. You have to know where you stand.” – Julia, member of Ocupa MinC RJ (Creation Committee) 

The revolution is a dance party. 

The revolution will not disqualify you for banned substance. 

The revolution will not take away your gear.

The revolution will not divide you into heats based on chromosomes, kilograms, or the extent of your paralysis. 

You can feel free to jump the gun, start slow, and fade late, 

Because the revolution is a dance party, sister.

Artists perform nightly to protest the Senate impeachment of Rousseff on charges of corruption. According to Transparencia Brasil, 58% of the House and 60% of the Senate themselves face charges or have been convicted for offenses including drug trafficking, rape and murder. 

There is no velvet rope at the door of the revolution, 

Just a beautiful boy in a plastic bag raincoat. 

The revolution is house music for the houseless, 

A sea of kites, a samba master, a mermaid formation. 

You can talk Temer with topless girls, buy cake from the children of slaves. 

The revolution will not shame you. 

This is a Brazilian revolution.

“Our art is a political act. This is a house where we are creating a democratic exercise." –­ Barbara, member of Ocupa MinC RJ (Communication Committee)

There will be no highlights of the police razing Vila Autodromo to make way for the Games. 

There will be no highlights of Doña Maria, staring down the bulldozers on International Women’s Day. 

There will be no bronze medals for irony. 

There will be no silver medals for long memory. 

There will be no gold medals for good losers.

Round 1: Conor comes out with leg kicks. Nate lands a punch to the body. Nate is throwing some weak-ass leg kicks. Conor chopping away at the leg. Diaz checks a leg kick! 

Conor lands a big left hand, then another one and Nate is on his ass, but Conor doesn’t want to follow him to the ground. Conor fighting much more patiently this time around. 

Nate lands a left hand. Nate lands a shot to the body. Conor lands a big left to the body. The fighters exchange again. Conor lands another big left. Nate’s coming forward with some shots. Conor lands a big left to the body. Tons of leg kicks. Good game plan for Conor. Conor lands another leg kick, Diaz lands a left hand.  

Diaz’s right eye is cut again, just like the first fight. Nate lands a jab. Conor lands a big right hand.  

10-9 McGregor.

Round 2: Nate’s checking leg kicks now. He lands a right hand. Conor lands a right and scores another knockdown, but doesn’t want to go down on the ground. 

Nate lands a jab, Conor lands a left to the body.  Nate lands a right hook, but it was really slow. Nate is pushing forward, but Conor is weathering it so far. Nate is following Conor around the ring, beating him up against the cage and bleeding on the Irishman. Fucking Nate Diaz man. He just keeps coming forward. Conor is fighting a perfect fight tactically, but Diaz is still in his face.

10-9 Conor, but Diaz is coming on strong and Conor looks tired.

Round 3: Conor looks gassed. Does he have another big left hand? Nate is smiling and pointing. He pushes Conor against the cage again. Crowd is now chanting “Diaz”.  

Conor is slapping his ear. The fighters break. Conor lands another big punch. Conor lands a leg kick. Conor lands a left. Diaz shakes it off. Conor is walking away sd Diaz lands one. Conor tries to land a spin kick while Diaz is talking shit to him, but Diaz catches it and pushes him up against the cage again.  

Diaz drops to a double, but Conor defends. Conor lands a big elbow. Now they’re slow dancing against the cage. Nate lands a pair of punches on the break. Conor is turning and walking away. Diaz still coming forward. Diaz lands again. Conor looks extremely tired. He’s not even really keeping his hands up. Nate is pouring it on against the fence. He lands a huge body shot, then a knee. Conor is fucked up and lucky that the horn sounds to end the round.

10-9 for Nate Diaz.

Round 4: What a fight! Conor’s corner told him that he’s winning in the clinch. He’s not and he’s tired as fuck. The last thing he wants to do is start clinching with a guy like Diaz who can go another five rounds.  

Nate’s face is cut up, as it always is. Nate is wiping his face.He’s still coming forward though. Conor looks flat-footed. Nate ducks under a big left and lands a bunch of punches. Conor lands a jab. Conor lands a push kick. Diaz’s face is a mask of blood.  

Conor lands two body shots. Conor lands a bunch of punches. Not sure how well Nate can see. Nate working for the takedown, but Conor is defending. Diaz is landing shots against the cage. Conor lands a nice elbow. Diaz lands a knee. Conor turns him around. Nate lands a big left that rocks Conor. 

McGregor looks fresh again somehow. He lands a big left to close the round.

10-9 for Conor McGregor.

Round 5: The right lands for McGregor. Conor throws a flying knee. Nate pushes him against the cage. Diaz is covered in blood. Nate pushes Conor against the cage again. Nate goes for a takedown, but doesn’t get it.  

Nate’s following Conor around the cage, but he’s still throwing. Nate has Conor against the cage and lands a bunch of punches. Big right hand as Conor looks at how much time is left. Nate’s trying for a takedown again. He should just keep punching. He does keep punching. 

Conor trips Diaz, Nate gets up and puts Conor’s back against the cage once more. Announcer Goldberg calls this the biggest fight in MMA history. It’s definitely one of the best fights in MMA history. Diaz takes down Conor and batters him as the round ends. Diaz helps McGregor up.  

This is definitely one off the best fights I’ve seen in a long time.

10-9 Diaz. 

These scores are going to hinge on whether the judges gave the second to Nate after that late flurry. My scoring should be taken with a grain of salt since I’m furiously typing. No matter what happens, people are going to be arguing about this one on the internet forever.  

Official scores: 48-47 McGregor, 47-47, and 48-47 McGregor. Conor McGregor wins by split decision.

Stiff Jab official scorecard: 48-47 for Conor McGregor.

I think the win for McGregor was the right call, but what a close fight.  Diaz’s cuts on his eyes seemed to be the difference maker.

Conor McGregor wants to fight Diaz again at 155.  These guys are making each other millions of dollars

“They can’t have a motherfucker like me win. I’m too real for this shit. He should have finished me off,” Diaz said. Nate wants another shot. I’m sure it will sell a shitload of Pay Per Views. Great outcome for the UFC’s new corporate overlords. 

UFC 202 Undercard: 

Glover Teixeira came out and almost immediately walked into a terrifyingly massive uppercut from Anthony “Rumble” Johnson, the hardest hitter in the light heavyweight division 

Teixeira was unconscious before he hit the ground. Officially a 13-second KO. That’s a title shot for Rumble. He chides the boys from the 209 for their antics at the press conference. Class act, Rumble Johnson. 

Quick fight, maybe they’ll plug in the Monsoon fight from Fightpass. Nope, Chick Magnet Punk commercial. Can’t wait to see a thirty-seven year old who has never fought against a guy with a 2-0 record on a PPV card. Did you know that decorated martial artists Fabricio Werdum and Urijah Faber are fighting on this card?  Nah, who cares. 

CM Punk seems like an honest guy and it’s great that he’s trying something new, but does it really need to be on the main card?  Yes it does, because it’ll probably be his first and last fight, and that’s the only way to separate WWE fans from their hard-earned cash now that Brock popped for a banned substance.  

Oh maybe they’ll plug a fight in now. Nope Chick Magnet Punk commercial is followed by a Hands of Stone movie commercial. I love it when I pay seventy bucks for this shit and they still manage to put a bunch of commercials into it.  

Donald Cerrone looks undersized at 170 lbs. in the cage with Rick Story. Rick Story looked decent in the first round (still think Cerrone probably won it though), but in the second round, Cerrone’s superior striking made the difference. 

Story looked tired and Cerrone landed a punch to the stomach, a punch to the face, and a kick to the face in quick succession. Really great combination. He then swarmed on Story, kneed him in the face and finished the fight on the ground. Cerrone then says he wants to go back down to 155 lbs. to get the belt from Eddie Alvarez. 

Tim “Dirty Bird” Means had a triumphant return from a tainted supplement scandal, where he was flagged for a banned substance and then his supplement company was acting so sketchy that USADA cut his suspension down to six months. He lit up Sabah Homasi with some really crisp elbows and left him a bloody mess before referee Herb Dean stopped the fight in the second round.

Tales of redemption abound as Mike Perry, who started training after getting out of prison, smoked the more experienced Hyun Gyu Lim. Perry looked like he was a weight class or two below Lim when the two were in the cage together. He also had to bite off one of his fingernails on the way into the cage since it was too long.