SINNER

DC. I’m a Raven gal all the way, my dude. 

Uh, duh. What couldn’t it conquer? 

I had the brilliant idea of starting the semester by asking my students what their favorite Victorian novels were. Frankenstein, a Jane Eyre or two, a couple of Wuthering Heights fans, someone who wanted to talk about why Charles Dickens sucks instead (not wrong), and someone who selected Gone Girl of all things. Honestly, if she makes a decent argument for it, she can have an A. I’m feeling generous right now.

I... have no idea who half of those things are. But I’m totally down to learn, dude. Care to give me a crash course?

Literally the worst way to wake up before five in the morning? A puking four year old. Alright, let’s get this mid-week started.

Tragic. Absolutely tragic. Were they okay, though?

Do you ever just look at your parents and wonder how the fuck you spawned from them? I mean technically I only came from one of my dads. But still, they’re both so fucking snobby and typical rich folk and I kind of hate them for it. 

Seriously there must have been a mix up at the hospital. Pretty sure I was supposed to go home with some trailer trash nobody or something.

Sounds like someone has some hard core daddy-squared issues. What’s your damage, man?

Yo, serious question: how the frickity frick do I fix my sleeping schedule within a matter of, uhhh, let’s say, 24 hours, so I don’t look like a total zombie in homeroom tomorrow? I’m not at my all-time cutest when I have bags under my eyes. In exchange for any and all advice, I’ll give you the best hug you’ll probably ever get in your life – check my reviews on Yelp if you think I’m kidding. 

The correct answer is obviously spending the night with your bestie so we never sleep and can be sleep deprived together. 

Good morning, Lima! It is a fucking beautiful day outside. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it is time to wake up, drink your coffee, and get moving! Work, school, whatever you have to do today – do it with a skip in your step. And remember to smile at a stranger, you may just be making their day!

I have the day off and no classes until tomorrow, so I think I’m going to start a garden. Just a little one, a few different species of flowers. It’ll be beautiful! Who wants to help? Anyone not afraid of getting their hands dirty? I’ll provide lemonade!

That’s so dope. I’d love to help. I love your optimism, man. It’s wicked as fuck. The world needs more positive people like you.

Hey creepers: I like having my windows open to let the fresh air in from time to time, but that isn’t an invitation for you to watch me through my windows. Is this why you bought binoculars in the first place?

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Carl. Don’t think I can’t see you just because you’re across the street.

Woah. That’s wild. I thought they left that kinda stuff in the 90s. Did you punch him?

I’ve just gotten two fish to make my apartment a little more like a home. They’re my first pets and I’m struggling to name them. Contenders have included Ianto and Jack, Amy and Rory, Willow and Tara, and Jim and Pam. Tough decision.

Any of the gay ones. Always go for the gays. Trust me, everyone will love it.

Even professional chefs can accidentally light things on fire. And I did.

Oh well… never liked those kitchen towels anyway.

Dude. How’d that happen?