I'd hold you as the water rushes in
(written for Buddie Week 2021, Day 2 - "Bath time")
After the tsunami, Buck struggles with entering any body of water. His therapist suggests starting with something small, like a bathtub.
Buck doesnāt have a bathtub, but Eddie does.
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āIām not avoiding them, really. I just donāt want to go near them,ā Buck says one day in a session with Dr. Copeland.
āBuck, thatās exactly what avoiding means. Have you stepped into the ocean since then?ā Dr. Copeland asks. Buck shakes his head.
āI havenāt gone anywhere near the ocean,ā he responds. Because he couldnāt do it.
The tsunami had happened nine months ago, and everyone had pretty much recovered. Christopher was doing better in school and his nightmares had ceased to exist. The pier was rebuilt. Buck was finally back at the 118.
But every time he even thought about going to the ocean, he panicked. Christopher had been once since the tsunami, and Eddie said that while he was scared at first, eventually they both felt okay being in the water. Buck was asked to come along, but he made an excuse because he didnāt want Christopher or Eddie to witness one of his panic attacks.
It was just water, he tried convincing himself. He used water to shower, and wash dishes, and put out fires at work. It was nothing to worry about. As soon as he had driven towards the ocean to try being there, all he could smell and taste was saltwater. He could hear Christopher screaming his name. He held his breath, feeling like he was still trapped.
He didnāt tell anyone, not even Maddie, about how he was feeling. He felt ashamed of himself for being scared of the water. It made him feel like a little kid, back at home and being scolded by his parents for not liking the dark.
āI donāt know why you get so worked up over this, Evan. Now come on, act like a man and come help me with this,ā his father would say when he made him crawl into the shadowy attic.
He felt ridiculous.
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