I hate this, I don't want to do it. I ate so much earlier today I actually thought my stomach was going to burst. I hated every bit of it, and I feel like I can never get everything out of my stomach. It seems at some point I'm just chugging water and then purging that same water. It's like the rest of the foods just stuck there and I cant get it out.

I'm trying to eat healthy and just eat a normal amount of food, but then every day I keep fucking up. Once I fuck up for the first time in the day, I just spiral and the rest of my day is fucked.

I'm trying so hard not to binge, but everything is making it impossible for me. Empty grocery stores, pictures of people stockpiling foods, my friends keep texting all the junk food their eating and how everyones gonna be fat when the quarantine is over. The worst is theres no fucking accountability. It's just me and my mind and nowhere to be. It doesnt matter if my voice is scratchy and my face is swollen and I look like shit. Theres at least 2 weeks until my work re-opens and nowhere to be. I'm trapped in my apartment with my own mind constantly reminding me theres no reason not to binge, and then immediately feeling disgusting and heavy guilty.

No one knows either. The literal feeling of being trapped in my apartment and being trapped in my own head. No one would really understand even if I told them, or they probably wouldnt even believe me. As much as I always try to hide it, I've showed all the major warning signs of eating disorders. But no one notices, and I feel like they never will. Either I'll actually recover one day and theyll never know there was a problem, or I'll just drop dead one day and they wont know why. Sometimes I wish someone knew, so I could talk to them about it and someone could hold me accountable, but at the same time I like the lack of accountability. I can do whatever the fuck I want and I dont have to feel bad about what I'm doing.

I just looked up my maintenance calories at my current weight, height, and activity level, and every one of them says I would need to eat 1900-2000 calories per day to maintain my weight. I sometimes think about stopping all my bullshit and stop trying to lose weight and get healthier. Then I think about consistently eating 2000 calories per day, and I feel myself starting to panic. I feel uncomfortable getting to 1000, much less double that.

Had one of the worst binges I've ever had yesterday. The whole day was a mental disaster and then unsurprisingly led to a crazy binge and purge session. Haven't done either in awhile, so I've been stressed all day about it. Couldnt even fast since I had to work and can't get away with not eating lunch there, but I kept within my calorie goal today. I figured out that I cant give myself even a little leeway or I fuck everything up, so no more for me, have to stick to my plan exactly no matter what. I've decided to post daily calorie counts to keep myself accountable. Here's today:

Breakfast:

22 ounces black coffee - 7 calories

Lunch:

100g chicken breast - 110 calories

2 cups raw spinach - 7 calories

Steamed broccoli, half the package - 60 calories

Spices for chicken - 20 calories

Feta cheese 1 ounce - 80 calories

No dinner

Total: 291 calories