from the cosmos.

my posts: on conscious creation. no movement in the 3D?

My first thought was “I’ve never done that.”

This is a recurring theme I notice lately - that sometimes I want things, and when they find me, I reject them. And then I think, no wonder manifestation can be a struggle for me - I am so closed off in so many ways. Reserved. Hesitant.

This realization happened recently when I had to take an overnight work trip to Nashville. A few months ago, I must have seen a TikTok of someone riding a mechanical bull and passively thought “that would be fun. I’d like to try that sometime.” Only for us to come upon one while we were team building by bar hopping. Everyone tried to get me to do it and I refused.

That was the realization, but I see the thread of it through my life now. I once passively wished there was a local walking group in my city so I could go for walks but not alone, and a few weeks later, two older ladies in my neighborhood saw my grandma and I outside and invited us to walk with them anytime we wanted. I think they even gave us their number or told us what house they lived in. That was years ago and I’ve never really seen them walk since.

I see a thread now of so many instances like that where I could have had something I wanted, and people are always reaching for me, and I rarely reach back because I’m scared or nervous. I could create so much in my life too - in a more literal sense, striking up conversations, pursuing things I want - but I’m too scared to do that, too.

I’ve been feeling it since July of last year and the ball somehow feels both like it is rolling and not. I started feeling like everything I wanted was just around the corner. I thought by Fall, certainly, and—well, in increments. I was half-right. Whole right, really, the timeline is just savoring itself a little more than anticipated.

I entertained the idea of how I never really get hit on, and while I have a boyfriend and didn’t want it to go anywhere, it would be nice to feel desired in a way I so rarely have—like I had the ability to make an immediate impression. We had a class at my workplace (unrelated to my department), and one of my coworkers who was assisting with it asked me a question to which I had to dig up an answer. I can’t explain it other than to say when I poked my head into the classroom, I very viscerally felt myself catch someone’s attention, without even so much as making eye contact with him. I didn’t look at anyone in the room except my coworker and popped in for no more than five seconds, but I felt a “ping” - a sort of energetic exchange. Shortly after, he was in my office chatting me up. No one has ever hit on me more audaciously than he did. It was a nice reminder of my power.

I also spent the whole summer mulling over a routine thought - “I spend every day in this building, doing only an hour or two of work. Everyone pretends they’re so busy but I don’t see how they actually could be. What a waste of time.” I felt resentful - like I was being held hostage for a paycheck. I just kept thinking “I could do this at home and be so much more productive with my time”. By November, we learned our company had been acquired by an out of state competitor, and when they interviewed us, we learned we’d be working from home. And so since December, I have been. And while I struggled with a lot of outdated beliefs within myself initially (my need to be helpful, to prove my value, my guilt over “taking advantage” or somehow cheating when they simply refuse to utilize me in productive or efficient ways), I am getting more comfortable carving those routines I dreamt of last summer. I do morning meditations, and walking workouts on my lunch break, and I cook meals I couldn’t if I were in the office—soups that need to simmer all day long. It is leisurely in a way I sometimes struggle to allow or accept, but I believe it’s the next logical stepping stone in allowing myself ease and luxury.

For the first time since my late teens, when I was first discovering my style outside the gaze of classmates, I am struggling again with my style, which is a strange place to be since it has been so consistent since I initially established it back then. I’ve lost a lot of weight and started working out more regularly than I ever have, and while I’m not seeing huge changes yet, I can envision it in a way I’ve never been able to before—it feels like a when, not an if. I find myself gravitating towards things I wouldn’t have dreamt of wearing a decade ago—leather halter tops and tube tops and corsets.

I’m establishing routines with more ease than I’ve ever been able to—still not quite as consistently as I’d like, but a far cry from what I used to be capable of, and that is something. That is everything.

I keep having this specific vision of him looking very stereotypically 80s/90s - high-waisted jeans, tucked in shirt, hair slightly longer and pushed back, wearing a watch.

So recently he was having blood sugar issues that - he thinks - affected his vision short term. It got suddenly noticeably worse. He only had to wear glasses for reading and suddenly he needed them all the time. I manifested that away and he’s better now lol but anyway, because he was wearing glasses all the time, he made some comment about “maybe I’ll finally be able to grow my hair out” because he gets it cut when it starts to touch his ears because it bothers him, but the temples of the glasses were keeping it from touching. It’s the shaggiest I’ve ever seen his hair get. I hate that that’s how it happened, but it was kind of funny, considering.

And then today, he got acknowledged at work (which is another manifestation! idk why it’s easier to manifest for him than myself 😂) for all the value he brings to the company (he’s also gotten two raises in the last year after not getting any meaningful ones in a number of years) and they gifted him—you can guess—a WATCH. A very nice one, too. I was like “are you gonna start wearing a watch again?” And he was like “I guess I have to!” 😂

I didn’t feel special back then. How unusual could I be? Never mind that that didn’t make sense because I felt uniquely wrong, but never uniquely right. I was a surprise to him, and in that somehow brief but everlong flirtation, he said as much multiple times, despite his reticence. Surprised I messaged first on a dating app as a woman, surprised by my love of language, surprised by my persistence about him. I was a surprise even to myself, then - he inspired feelings that made me braver.

Anyway, it’s funny - the older I’ve gotten, the more I feel like a singular creature. Rare. I work every day with people who seem to give a shit - who passive-aggressively complain about their coworkers not doing what they’re supposed to, leading me to think they care about compliance and doing things right, but then they constantly drop the ball themselves. No curiosity, no drive. I’m doing things in their database that none of them know how to do despite knowing it longer than me.

This sharpness has followed me my whole life - I used to play dumb so people wouldn’t think I was weird for how much I remembered about everything. I don’t have an eidetic memory or anything, but it’s better than most people’s regardless. I suppressed it for years in shame and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized what an asset it actually is. To remember details and context. To be a fast learner.

I look around now and I’m baffled by how few people actually seem all that alive and plugged in. They skim texts to the point that they don’t actually even see what’s being said - I understand being busy, but what’s the point of even doing the work if you’re half-assing all of it. If you’re not registering what’s being told to you or asked of you. It just seems like a form of madness.

And I think - if this is my experience at all the jobs I’ve had, it’s probably a common experience in general. And he must think of me a lot, if that’s the case.