Starry Eyed Girl

So I have nothing to do as usual. I opened the omegle site and I came to talk with this guy. Our conversation is good. We talked about our dramas in life and some random things. Of course I am well aware that everything will come to an end. He asked for my fb account but I refused to give so I gave my twitter account instead. Prior to this I said that I’m ugly and I will just disappoint him with my looks. He insists because he said he doesn’t care. He said he’ll follow me then after a few minutes, he disconnected our omegle chat and he didn’t follow me on twitter.

Guess what? Reality just slapped me.

Looks really matters. And I am a hopeless case. 

I still want to write all things that I am feeling right now but my emotions are too intense right now that I just want to cry.

I asked myself again “Is it really too much to ask for someone who will understand me?”

I don’t feel myself anymore. I really have to accept that writing is the only way I can express what I am feeling every time.

No one is really beside me. I have to embrace myself alone.

Alam kong lahat ng bagay may tamang panahon. Pero minsan di ko mapigilang mag-isip kung kailan kaya siya dadating?

paulit-ulit ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na wala akong pakialam kahit paano umaasa pa rin ako may makakaintindi sa akin dahil sabi nga ni Jung its part of the collective unconscious. 

Kaya kong sabihin sa lahat na okay lang ako mag-isa pero hindi. Somehow I hope for someone who will care for me and understand me for who I am. Someone who will made me feel that my presence is everything. Someone who would love to talk to me even though nonsense akong kausap.

Why things that started good ends so bad? I only want to be happy. I only want to have someone beside me that no matter how sensitive I am will stay. I know, here I am with my fantasies. Its so sad that they are just dreams that will never come true. Maybe for some it is just a simple thing that I keep on ranting. But for me it is such a big deal or I am the only one making it a big deal? 

I always dream on having a best friend. A best friend who knows me deep in the heart. The kind of person that will see through behind my mask. Someone whom I can talk to with everything and will never get bored. Also, someone I can spent time with that even when I am not uttering a single word will enjoy my company. Is it too much to ask? Is it selfish? Am I selfish?

I always want to be understood but as I wonder, I ask myself ‘Do I understand them?’ and come to think of it, how can someone will understand me, if I am not expressing myself. I feel so bad about myself. For constantly thinking that everyone around me is against me. They’re approaching me but I keep on ignoring them. And maybe they hate me now or maybe they’re talking behind my back.

Right now I don’t want to feel attachment to anyone anymore. because I don’t to see someone hating or the thought that someone is talking behind my back makes me feel that I am the worst person alive.

I want to cry my heart out, it feels heavy to bear anymore. I hope that it will lessen the pain.

Nothing’s ever wrong with all of you. In fact you’re all amazing and I truly thank God that I met all of you. You give spice into my pretty boring life. I seriously don’t know what to do without you guys. But the thing is... there’s this feeling that slowly killing me inside. Loneliness always crept into me, I always feel at pain and sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. It comes in most unexpected time. It is unbearable. It is a kind of pain that no matter how often I experienced it, I will never get use to it.

And I thank you because you still manage to stay with me despite me being irrational and highly sensitive sometimes I mean always. And I also know that you can’t always tolerate this kind of act. I know time will come that you will go away because you can’t deal with me anymore.

I know and I understand that not all of you are meant to stay, and maybe no one from you will stay. That’s why I need to get use on being alone. I only have myself and I’m already too broken to be broken again. If ever, I don’t know how will I deal with the pain anymore. If you go away, I’ll understand.

Maybe I’m being very inconsiderate with your feelings. But I have feelings too. I know and I feel that some of you don’t want me anymore. And I understand. Who wants boring friend, who doesn’t have a say in everything. 

Please understand if i’m staying away, if i’m too quiet. I’m just protecting myself, I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

I’M NOT WORTH IT. I’M NOT WORTH BEING YOUR FRIEND.

Sincerely,