FUCK THAT (in a good way?)

AND FUCK THAT CLIFFHANGER (but also thank God)

I’ve got tear stains on my face from crying my eyes out for these last 2 episodes.

It might just be the intense high of how I’m feeling, but yeah safe to say that this is my favorite anime now and forever. I’ll never know peace again.

BSD Wan, can you fix me? Can the manga? Can the light novels? Because none of that was okay, not a single bit of it. I imagine the manga will make it worse since I know the anime adaptation is not entirely faithful to the reputations of the characters.

And so this is where I’m at now… I can’t find the heart to hate any of the characters. Not a single one. It doesn’t mean I love them all, but my God they’re so morally grey like humans are and that’s the real struggle for me.

Idk how involved Asagiri-sensei was as far as the anime production and storyline (esp if there are major plot points where it differs from the manga…don’t spoil it for me pls) BUT man it would have just been quicker if he had ripped out my heart instead. I would have preferred that.

Happily ever after, I’ve never wanted it so badly for a set of characters more than I do now.

Some actual thoughts about the characters and the story:

Teruko fucking knew. She had to know the whole time, right? That’s why she had to be the one to do it.

Dazai, the man that you are…. the duo that you and Chuuya are… that’s all I need to say on them.

The combination of intelligence between Dazai and Ranpo alone is unmatched aside from Fyodor alone and even then can we truly say that about him? #souheki4ever (this is a joke, it’s skk to the end of course, but I do love the brilliance of these two)

The fact that everything Dazai does now is for the ADA and he does it of his own free will because it is worth protecting. His interaction with Sigma, ughhhh (in a good way).

Akutagawa keeping his promise to Atsushi because he doesn’t break his promises.

Akutagawa and Atsushi being the next generation SKK is everything to me, even though it’s heavily due to Dazai’s manipulation. The iconic “Just the two of us?” “Do we need any more?” exchange between the two.

Also, realizing that Dazai’s black coat from Mori was seemingly passed onto Akutagawa since everyone (meaning Dazai, Chuuya, and Akutagawa) who joins gets an article of clothing from their mentor. So, much earlier on when Dazai said that he burnt the coat… in a way, he was kinda telling the truth lol.

Aya not hesitating once to take that fall bc all she had left was her determination, her hope that she could made a difference. And her dynamic with Bram, we love it.

Fyodor being spot on that Sigma wanted trust more than a home or a place to belong. A place of safety where he won’t be manipulated. (Immediate headcanon that Sigma joins the ADA. My heart needs it.)

Opposition, plotline, and all that aside, the trio of Dazai, Nikolai, and Fyodor is a favorite of mine. But I think they are heavily incomplete with the one who holds the sanity, Sigma.

…I can’t talk about Fukuchi and Fukuzawa. Just too much grief there. Everything about them hurts and I’m not okay.

Ranpo apologizing to Atsushi for messing up and then Atsushi being all alone… it’s too much. That’s what made me sob bc at some point, so many of us have been and are Atsushi. What we fear the most is being alone. Atsushi is someone who needs to know that someone is there, needs to see it and feel it. But this sort of feeling is what messes with me a lot so I could just be projecting.

I mean, I have a clear idea of what happens next bc of who is shown at the end of that episode, but that made me sob harder.

I feel like I need to talk about Sigma but as devastating as his story is, I don’t even know what to say. Except that I bet Atsushi is traumatized by that interaction. And also, I don’t think my brain can handle processing Sigma rn bc I really don’t want to be broken further.

My brain can, however, process the brilliant character that is Tachihara. I love him to pieces. My one curiosity is whether or not that was part of the plan, as in did Dazai or Ranpo know about Tachihara already? Did they anticipate that Tachihara would be on the receiving end of the message from Atsushi? Because the moment it played, I knew Tachihara was all in for justice, for the truth. So for me, I associate justice with Tachihara not Fukuchi. The other thing I love about Tachihara is that not only is he sentimental about the time he’s spent with Hirotsu and Gin as the Black Lizards, but he also holds similar feelings for the ADA members too as we see both Kenji and Tanizaki in his memories.

Everyone in Port Mafia holds an unspoken softness for someone in the ADA.

It’s the fact that the PM know the ADA isn’t responsible for any of the shit happening. They believe in their innocence and always have.

the art is soooooo pretty, I wanna cry

look how soft Dazai’s expression is

Met up with a friend for dinner last night and realized that I must be so annoying bc all I have to talk about is anime aside from a little bit of work related frustration (we’ll call it that to simply things) but also I guess it’s better than where I was a few weeks to a month ago

Within that time, I had a really bad episode of realizing my own mortality likely bc I was home alone for 3 weeks, intense and irregular bleeding, and a case of the nostalgia…

Well, I call it nostalgia bc I have no better word to describe it. I’ve always been someone who feels very deeply and as I’ve gotten older I continue to realize that other people don’t feel as intensely as I do at times. I don’t know if it comes from all of the media I’ve consumed (books, anime, music, etc), genetics, things I’ve experienced in life (family deaths, major surgery as a teen), and/or so many other things, but it’s something that actually makes me very emotionally ill and is now getting to the point where it almost manifests as physical symptoms. It comes and goes in waves, and is probably a feature of my garden variety of depression and anxiety. My problem is that I seek meaning when there doesn’t always need to be any, feel sadness creeping into my bones even during moments of happiness bc I know that moment won’t exist ever again.

I used to think that I had changed from who I was when I was a teenager, but at 31 I feel so much the same. Maybe I’m just getting back the feelings I was meant to experience in my late 20s but never did bc of the antidepressant, who can say for sure?

I’ve never been happier to see Chuuya than in that moment, it made me tear up. But let’s just agree to not talk about Doppo “if my colleagues die, my ideals die with them” Kunikida because I don’t want to acknowledge that anything even happened, even though that was the first spoiler I was unintentionally exposed to… these internets, man, it’s a dangerous place to be when you’re not caught up in a fandom..

I really really love that when Atsushi is on the verge of giving up, his mind imagines Dazai and that gives him strength to go on. “What would Dazai do?”

Yosano’s backstory is the one that has made me cry the most out of all of them so far. As someone in healthcare (though not in a conventional or societally perceived life saving role), her story resonates. All she ever wanted was to save people, but Mori takes advantage of her ability. It hurts that she thinks that she is the reason why Mori and Fukuzawa’s alliance broke all those years ago, but I stand firmly with the truth that it was never her fault and Fukuzawa, at least, would never blame her, would never blame a child. The part I really love is how Ranpo comforts her in her trauma. He sees her as who she is. He values her for who she is. For as blunt as he can be at times, Ranpo is sweet. Or maybe I should say emotionally intelligent? Anyway, in the chain of who saved who, I think it’s Ranpo for Yosano.

“The Agency is the one place in the world where I can be allowed to live”

And how true that holds for each of them, but especially for Yosano, for everything she suffered.

Ango is a great character actually. I’m also just really dumb too so I usually take everyone at face value, which is why I am constantly surprised by Dazai when I shouldn’t be. The same holds true for Ango. In the end, it really does always go back to the three of them together in the bar, that friendship so deeply rooted. Ango, Dazai, and Odasaku.

Something I really appreciate is that Atsushi is the moral compass of the group as attested to by Yosano. If Atsushi believes it, it’s real and true. For as much as he despairs, he’s the one who carries their hope.

Who should be the next PO V character of my fanfic.

Yosano

Tanizaki

Spider boy child o. C.

Ranpo