I dream of soft fruit

Andulka

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dirt enthusiast
Peter Solarz
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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Today's Document
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@starfly-inq
I dream of soft fruit

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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on the enormity of love and desire when you are alone
lucille clifton "climbing" | richard siken "birds hover the trampled field" | diary of franz kafka, jan 24 1915 | laurie halse anderson on 'moby dick' | 300122 by @ryebreadgf | richard siken "litany in which certain things are crossed out" | jenny holzer inflammatory essay "untitled (oh lord when you are alone)" | mitski "love me more" | richard siken "planet of love" | haruki murakami "norwegian wood"
a painstar has entered your house…..but what are you going to do about it??? are uyou going to touch it?? it only happens once every thousand years…. maybe even two thousand years…. and how long is a year really ???? its almost haloween. i havent done shit this year, its been a summer since february, i was in australie, god. california?? then what? june, july, august, a month in europe… i cant even go to ikea any more, ive got flashbacks… fuck,,,.,
The thing about the moon is maybe you don’t need to write a poem about the moon. The moon’s been done, we’ve discussed it. It’s a coin a mirror an eye a lantern in the darkness. It’s a rock in space. It’s the dang moon we’ve all seen it! Is there something you can notice that’s is more surprising than the moon???
Okay, this made me pause and literally write out every letter that 'fell' in order (‘oomngouuhhrsrtutpntnue’), then make sure they were all contained in 'turntomushuponthergroun'.
They are, and it's very satisfying.

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If I was a wasp, I'd sting you. If I was a venomous snake, I'd bite you. If I was a lion, I'd maul you. If I was a swamp, I'd poison you. If I was a mountain, I'd fall and crush you. If I was the ocean, I'd drown you. If I was a cat, I'd never let you touch me. If I was a dog, I'd run away. If I was a horse, I'd never let you break me. If I was a farm, I wouldn't grow for you. If I was a fire, I'd burn out without warming you. If I was a home, I would fall apart around you.
If I was harmless and small, and easy to hold, you would love me. If I was a worm you could put me in the soft earth and I would be helpless in your care. Of course you could love me, but could you love me if I stung you, bit you, pulled against you, hid and didn't understand you but wasn't harmless or helpless at all?
Could you love something for what it is, when that means you can't touch it or show kindness, maybe even never be near it, and it might never, ever love you back? Is it okay to exist and not belong to anyone, to not be useful to anyone, to be dangerous or poisonous or a failure but a part of the world all the same?
I know this is a metaphor, but if you take it kind of literally, there is an answer to this.
We build wildlife preserves. Often explicitly for the protection of animals and ecosystems that can and have killed humans.
Whenever a whale gets stranded on a beach, CROWDS show up ad risk getting bludgeoned to death trying to get it back into the water.
Every Zoo has a reptile house full of venomous snakes and a team of humans dedicated to giving them the best quality of life possible.
There are volunteer beekeepers who will travel for miles and miles and hours and hours to relocate an entire hive.
There are people who rehabilitate dangerous dogs and horses
There are people who restore structurally unsound houses
There are people who study the way that fire burns so it can rejoin the ecosystem and not be smothered on sight.
Every day, millions of people get up and devote themselves to things that can and will kill them by their nature. Things they can't touch or show kindness to. Things they can't go near. Things that are wholly incapable of loving them back.
And they do it because they love them.
Everything dangerous, everything poisonous, everything 'useless'- absolutely everything has someone, often many thousands of people, who loves them exactly as they are, without expectation that their affection will be returned.
It is alright for anything, even you, to not belong to anyone, to not be useful, to be frightening and dangerous and not adhere to any standard of success. It's all alright. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.
People aren't purely good or evil,
We're all dogs, parched in the face of waterfalls
I am the dog that barks at trees and claws at your knees and waits to die in the street for the hope of a loving god
I am holy, holy, holy, down to the marrow
Maybe god doesn't exist, or maybe I am hollow,
God or not
Something knows I was never real, made to be claimed by the heavens, pulled into the earth, chained up by the collar and left to rot.
I am foul, foul, foul, down to the sinew.
Maybe god does exist, so heavy, vast, so shallow
I am the dog that bites at every hand, because nothing is sacred, nothing is; I am a beast for wanting it.
God puts dogs in cages, all the water, the life, they could swallow
My throat is dry, I'd rather be thirsty for
I am poison, poison, poison, all muscle, all teeth, all flesh,
Maybe I don't exist,
It's spring now which means the kids in my city have started drawing hopscotches on the sidewalk and as a rule I do every hopscotch I see because 1. Use it or lose it (ability to scotch) and 2. If a child got down on the hardscrabble streets of Boston Massachusetts to draw a scotch the least I can do is use it, but in doing the hopscotches, I've learned that about 50% of them are the typical 8-10 step scotch and the other 50% are. Somewhat avant-garde. And of course I'm not vetting the entire scotch before I start it so sometimes it's like haha 8 steps woo! Childlike whimsy! And sometimes they're 20 steps or 30 or they've got a section with three squares instead of two where you have to do a little Charleston to step on all three, or, memorably, FORTY one foot squares. A full BLOCK of jumping on one foot but I'm no quitter so once I've started Jigsaw Junior's fuckin hopscotch gauntlet I'm there til the end just a daily pot smoker in her thirties jumping kasa-obake style through an affluent suburb while some little proto-kennedy watches from his bedroom window rubbing his sadistic little third grade hands together and cackling. It's amazing. I love spring.
HAPPY TUESDAY ALL!!!
how terrifying metamorphosis must be for the caterpillar has no concept of what it is doing, or what a butterfly is, or what will happen to it as it spins itself the cocoon. we r more alike than different
there are parts of your future self in you waiting emerge but you have to become unrecognizable slime first

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laptop overheating?? pour water on it to cool it down!
i trusted you
Do not trust people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people
THE ORIGINAL?!?!?!?!?!
it isn't that i can't do it alone - but sometimes i feel it more, you know? i come back to an empty house. i have no one to text hey the flight got delayed, just letting you know i'll be a few hours late.
most of the time this is okay, and i bask in the quiet. i make myself a new and fancy recipe. i bake treats for my dog. i take environmentally-shameful-length showers. i often like being alone. i like to sit and have the world hold me in a palm like a mercury spill.
but then the small things. i kind of want to see one of the touring broadway shows. or a particular movie. i just want to tangle my legs into someone else's while we eat popcorn and talk about our favorite types of tea or something. it's not that i can't handle any of this by myself - i do, i am happy doing so - but i sometimes cut the orange in half and wish i could peel it for a second person.
i am cheerfully and chipperly informed that all things can be fun and exciting by yourself. i am reminded that loving myself should be the first and foremost goal. i am jokingly informed that if i just hold out, my wife will appear in the clouds as if i wished for her - but that i shouldn't drive myself crazy by looking. i ground myself in my incredible friends and support. i do it all the "right" way.
it's just - i had a long day today. and i wish i had someone's hand to hold about it.
also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i stayed for this; for murky coffee at the bottom of my cup. for pulling another tick off my dog. the sun came down, though - i wish you could have seen it - and i swear to you; everything was so violently beautiful that even god hiccupped. it is a long life of small moments. i am so glad for that. i work a knot out of my hair. i am briefly annoyed by the omnipresence of dust. and above, overhead in magic: the moon has tilted herself - a gentle, yielding cusp.
i would like to hold on to everything