“Sirius Black, former heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, murderer.”

No, Hope thought. Not Sirius. Not the boy who stayed after dinner to help with the dishes. Not the boy who drank tea before bed and always, always remembered exactly how she liked it. Not the boy who laughed too loudly in her kitchen and called her Mrs. Lupin even when she had already told him he could call her just Hope.

"Yes," Remus gasped, slapping his hands on the hospital reception desk. "I'm his husband. Remus Lupin."

Behind him, James and Peter slammed to a halt.

"His what?" James choked out.

Remus didn't even look back, already taking the visitor pass from the nurse. "Thank you. Room four?"

"Down the hall to the left," she smiled.

Remus started walking fast. James jogged to catch up, grabbing his elbow. "Remus… husband? What the fuck? Did I miss something?"

"They only let spouses in before noon," Remus said, not breaking his stride. "We updated each other's emergency files last year."

"You… you committed medical fraud?"

"It's not fraud, it's…. Look, it just makes things easier."

"Right. Of course," Peter muttered to James. "Of fucking course.”

They found Sirius sitting on the edge of a hospital bed, his arm strapped into a sling. He lit up the second he saw them.

"Moony!" Sirius whined, reaching his good hand out. "They took my jacket. You have to track it down before they ruin it."

Remus immediately stepped right between Sirius's knees, automatically reaching out to adjust the strap of the sling so it stopped rubbing against Sirius's neck. "I'll find it. Are you in pain?"

"Just my pride," Sirius mumbled. He leaned his chin against Remus’s stomach and closed his eyes with a content sigh.

James stared at them. He looked at Remus, whose hands were currently busy gently checking the back of Sirius's head for bumps, and then at Sirius, who was nuzzling into Remus's jumper like a touch-starved kitten.

"So," James said loudly, clearing his throat. "Sirius. Remus just informed me that you two are legally wed."

"It’s easy, Prongs," Sirius answered without opening his eyes. "Spouses get a lot of privileges. It's a purely administrative marriage."

"Administrative," James repeated flatly.

"It’s a simple matter of logistics," Remus corrected simply, right as he leaned down and pressed a kiss into Sirius's hair.

Peter buried his face in his hands, looking disgusted by the sight. "They're going to adopt a child next week and claim it was just easier than getting a dog."

James, thinking: oh thank the lord he's finally realized he's gay

Sirius, breaking into tears: I'm HOMOPHOBIC