Stardew Otter

Basically (from what I remember):

- Takes place at the Luau (mostly)

- Harvey Centric (???)

- Everyone/most gets sick

- Marnie gets heat exhaustion/stroke

- I think the governor has an allergic reaction????

- Harvey yells at Lewis (I think, or it could be my minds desires speaking up)

- I think it mentions Sam and his 1 pound of anchovies, but I'm not sure

•─────✧─────•

Shane: Yeah, I don’t like people.

Marnie: Oh, well, now that’s not fair, Shane. Have you met all of them?

Shane, taking a swig of beer: I’ve met enough of them. Bunch of assholes.

─────────────────────

Pierre: Damn, the power went out.

Abigail: Don’t worry, I got this.

Abigail: *stomps foot*

Pierre: What the hell are you doing???

Abigail: *Sketchers light up*

─────────────────────

Marnie, to Lewis: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!

─────────────────────

Sam: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?

Sebastian: No, I said, "Sam, don't lick that swingset," and you said, "Don't tell me what to do," and licked the swingset.

Sam: Good times!

Sebastian: You were hospitalized for a week!!!

─────────────────────

Penny: Oh shoot!

Penny: Excuse my vulgarity.

Pam: I’ll let it slide.

─────────────────────

Shane: So my therapist was talking to me, and she said that I really just need to break down my walls and let people in.

Shane: So I’ve decided to break the fourth wall.

Shane: *looks at player through the screen* Hi there. I use humor as a coping mechanism. You also need a better coping mechanism than this game. It's been 13 hours.

─────────────────────

Farmer: I don’t want to talk about it.

Shane: Good, I don’t wanna hear about it.

─────────────────────

Sebastian: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter A.

Maru: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.

Sam: Fuck you.

─────────────────────

Harvey: What happened to your nose?

Alex: I used it to break some guy's fist.

─────────────────────

Sam: Did you bring Harvey?

Sebastian, gesturing to Maru: No, but I brought the next best thing. She's still qualified.

Sam: Maru? The next best thing would be Farmer.

Maru: I would be offended, but Farmer is freakishly strong and smart.

─────────────────────

Sebastian: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

─────────────────────

Farmer in Skull Caverns: All of a sudden, I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

─────────────────────

Sebastian: When I first met you, I did not like you.

Maru: I'm aware of that.

Sebastian: But then you and I had some time together.

Maru: Uh-huh?

Sebastian: It did not get better.

─────────────────────

Haley: What’s up with Emily? They’ve been lying on the floor for like….an hour now?

Gus: They're just a little overwhelmed.

Haley: Why?

Gus: The Farmer gave her a new gem.

─────────────────────

Harvey: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?

Shane: Can't relate.

Sam: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

─────────────────────

Gus: One time I went to hand the Farmer a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”

─────────────────────

Sam: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob.

•─────✧─────•

Sorry for being gone for so long, I was busy being queer

•─────✧─────•

Lewis: Alright, how do we react to road ragers/people who drive recklessly?

Sam: Steal their car like it's GTA!

Sebastian: Speed past them and break check them a few times.

Abigail: Get out of the car and slash their tiers, then maim them!

Penny: Stay calm???

Haley: Get out of my car, stand on the roof of THEIR car, and sing "Amazing Grace" as slowly and elegantly as possible.

Emily: Join Haley as back up!

Harvey: Just keep driving and ignore them. If anything speed up, slow down, or change lanes if possible to get away from them.

Shane: I'm legally not allowed to drive, so I'm cool.

Maru: Use the lazer beam that's on the roof of the car!

Leah: I either bike or ride a bus, stay safe-

Elliott: I'm 90% sure no one has road rage on a boat...

Alex: Dead lift their car!

Lewis: None of you are allowed to drive, ever.

Shane: I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRIVE YOU FUCKING-

─────────────────────

Maru: Uno!!

Sebastian, who has three +4s:

(I edited the image myself, lowkey proud ^^)

─────────────────────

Marnie: What are you going to dress as for Halloween Shane?

Shane: Depression.

─────────────────────

Leah: Remember kids, don't mess with a wild animal, ESPECIALLY when they are afraid.

Vincent: What about the farmer?

Leah: The... the farmer isn't a wild animal???

Jas: But last night I saw them running all around the forest while holding a bunch of berries and ferns and stuff!

Leah: ...

Leah: OK yeah, let's include the farmer in the rule. Just don't approach them from behind.

─────────────────────

Harvey: Are you sure about this?

Sebastian: 100%, he won't know what hit him.

Harvey: Ok..OK...

[Later, at Sam's doctor's appointment]

Harvey: The test results from last time came back a few days ago, and I found something a little concerning.

Sam, worried: What is it? Am I going to die?

Harvey: No worries, it shouldn't kill you. You have a bad case of something called "Ligma".

Sam: What's ligma?

Sebastian, breaking down the door:

─────────────────────

Maru: According to all known lays of aviation-

Sebastian: You should shut the fuck up!

─────────────────────

Abigail, with raw pasta in her mouth: Dad, can you crack my back?

Pierre: Sure.

Pierre: *picks her up to crack her back*

Abigail: *crunches the raw pasta and collapses*

Pierre: !!!

Pierre: Oh Yoba, oh fuck, OH FUCK FUCK FUCK. CAROLINE!!!

Farmer, who's recording from the background:

•─────✧─────•

•─────✧─────•

Harvey: Please, stop trying to eat aquarium gravel...

Vincent: But Sam said they were forbidden Nerds!

Sam, munching on aquarium gravel: They are!

─────────────────────

Shane: Look, I know your disappointed, but why not at LEAST have a drink with me?

Elliott, wearing his swim suit: You said this was a dive bar, I wanted to dive.

Shane: *sigh* you're a fucking dumbass...

─────────────────────

Leah: And here's my latest work!!

*reveals a canvas messily spalttered with warm shades of paint*

Leah: It resembles that feeling when you're having a mental breakdown but can't because you need to always seem perfect!

Shane: What-

Emily: Haha, same.

─────────────────────

Razmodious: I think I have a kid in the town...

Abigail: I suspect that my dad isn't really my dad...

Caroline: I wish my husband paid more attention to me...

Pierre: M O R R I S !!!!

Morris: P I E R R E !!!!

Farmer:

─────────────────────

Jaz: Tea Party!!

Shane: I'm not-

*2 minutes later*

─────────────────────

Marnie: Alright, I'll send little... um...

Farmer: Say her name Marnie.

Marnie: I'll send your sheep...

Farmer: S A Y I T

Marnie: I'll send little... DooferMcFlooferAss... to her new home...

Farmer: Thanks! I'd also like to buy a chicken!

─────────────────────

Linus: Yeah, someone threw rocks at my tent and ripped it up-

Farmer, pulling their sword: Who.

Linus: I'm not sure-

Farmer: I'LL FIND THEM

─────────────────────

Shane: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

─────────────────────

Farmer: Money is like, Presidential Trading Cards...

Farmer: So exchanging money for change is like a battle...

Farmer: AND TAXES ARE LIKE BULLIES STEALING YOUR HARD EARNED PRESIDENTIAL TRADING CARDS!!!!

Farmer: So no, I won't be paying taxes.

Lewis: What the FUCK-

•─────✧─────•

•─────✧─────•

Farmer, admiring Alex sleeping: You’re so cute.

Alex, half asleep: I could beat your ass.

Farmer, lovingly: I know ♡.

─────────────────────

ASS Squad: I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

─────────────────────

Penny: I'm a nice person, but I'm about to start throwing rocks at people.

─────────────────────

Stardew Batchelor/etts (+NPCs) reactions to being called straight:

Abigail: The fuck, no I'm not.

Sam: Excuse the hell out of you?

Maru: Ding dong, you are VERY wrong!

Harvey: Who told you that? And why did they lie?

Sebastian: Rude.

Emily: Bad vibes are coming your way for that one.

Elliott: Whoever told you that has clearly never met me-

Alex: Um, yeah! You're 100% right! (*was just kissing a whole man*)

Leah: Mhm, sure. So anyways I'm going back to my cottage in the forest to go make art by hand and collect fruit and berries if you need me-

Shane: Fuck off.

Marnie: Um, yes, 100%! But it's not like I'm um... in any relationship...

Lewis: Yes. I'm single too. [Fuck this guy in particular]

Pierre: Yes. I have a wife, and I have a daughter. [Totally didn't date Morris years before- /s]

Caroline: Yes, I am! But I'm an ally to all ^^.

Morris: Would you like a Joja Membership? [Totally didn't date Pierre years before- /s]

Farmer: *punches the person*

─────────────────────

Sam: un-tss

Sam: un-tss

Sam: un-tss

Sam: un-tss

Sam: un-tss

Jodi: wtf?

Sam: I'm a techno song!

─────────────────────

Maru: Attractive girls like computers, so I carry my case around town because it attracts chicks!

Penny: Not really, attractive girls think people that think girls are attracted to people with computers are cute in a hurt puppy kind of way.

Leah: Don't most people put down hurt puppies?

Maru: Does that mean attractive girls shoot computer nerds???

Penny: Yoba I don't mean puppies with like missing limbs or exposed viscerals-

─────────────────────

Harvey: I might not do much to most, but I love you more than anything and-

Harvey lovers death gripping a Mermaid Pendant: I'll marry you.

─────────────────────

Haley: Please for the love of Yoba don't-

Emily: TOO LATE! *adopts a parrot that crashed into their window*

─────────────────────

Farmer: Hey sexxy, wanna come dance with me?

Anyone during Year 1: Eww no

Farmer: Oh ok.

Farmer that night:

•─────✧─────•

•─────✧─────•

Elliott: This work is amazing! You can clearly see all of the effort the author put into this fine piece. It evokes such great emotions that most can not even begin to comprehend, it's amazing! I strive to be able to write with such skill.

Sebastian: ...

Sebastian: Elliott is that Ao3-

─────────────────────

Harvey: I swear, sometimes I feel like the only one with a brain cell...

Farmer: ALL HAIL THE KEEPER OF THE BRAIN CELL!!

Harvey: Farmer please lay down you're losing blo-

Sam, Elliott, Shane, and Emily: ALL HAIL THE KEEPER OF THE BRAIN CELL!!!

─────────────────────

*Game Night in Stardew Valley*

Sam: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.

Sebastian: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.

Abigail: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.

Maru: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.

Sebastian: *flips the board*

─────────────────────

Maru: Hey, what do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?

Sebastian: What the fuck did you just say-

Maru: Foetons! *Laughs*

Sebastian: Wh-what?

Demetrius: HAAAHAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH- *dad laugh*

─────────────────────

Shane: *sniffling*

Shane: Calm down you tall bastard, I'm not sick. It's just allergies.

Harvey: Mmhm, alright... then tell me, have you been feeling more tired than normal recently?

Shane: I have depressions, what do you think?

─────────────────────

Emily: Do you have a self-care routine?

Haley: Saying "Keep going bitch" to myself in different accents.

─────────────────────

Sam: *pulls back shower curtain with flair*

Sebastian: AAAAAAAAAA-

Sam: I- stop screaming it's me bro - anyways did we run out of pizza?

─────────────────────

Leah: *running towards Elliott with open arms*

Elliott: *runs out of the way*

Leah: Hey, why'd you move?!

Elliott: I thought you were going to attack me-

Leah: I was going to hug you!

Elliott, touch starved: Why would you hug me?

Leah, shows affection through touch: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?

─────────────────────

Sebastian: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

─────────────────────

Marnie: I’m proud to say I’ve come over my fear of ghosts!

Shane: That’s the spirit Marnie.

Marnie: *gasps* whErE???!!!??

─────────────────────

Farmer after dating everyone at once (without the polyamory mod): I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

─────────────────────

Penny: I love murder mysteries!

Farmer, trying to impress her: I've been a suspect in four murder cases and I've-

─────────────────────

Farmer: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.

Harvey/Leah: I'll marry you.

─────────────────────

Sam: Uhm, Mrs.Robin? Sebby is in the lake and I don't think they're waterproof.

Robin: What?

Abigail: I think he meant Sebastian is drowning.

Robin: WHAT?!

*Meanwhile at the lake*

Sebastian: *drowning*

Maru: YOBA, KEEP SWIMMING SEB!!!

Sebastian: I can't swim, dumbass— *sinks*

Demetrius: SEBASTIAN!

•─────✧─────•

Yee ^^;

•─────✧─────•

Harvey: Look, a plane!

Shane: ...

Shane: That's a helicopter-

─────────────────────

Sam: Look, boobs are like nature's bags! If you don't have pockets, just put it in your boobs! Problems solved :)

─────────────────────

Sebastian: I smell like sand and depression

─────────────────────

Haley: This is my shoe and bag closet, and this is my normal clothing closet, and here is a formal dress section, and-

Alex who just wanted to ask her to take a picture of him and his dog: Why do you need so much closet!?

─────────────────────

Robin: I've applied it to the door.

Demetrius: Um, applied what?

Robin: I've applied it.

─────────────────────

Penny: They cremated the animal crackers...

─────────────────────

Farmer: When in doubt, throw a bomb.

─────────────────────

Elliott: Look, I want to finish writing my book, yes?

Elliott: But I have a little thing called "writers block"

Elliott: Which is basically like holding a cookie in front of some who wants a cookie, but you never let them get it.

Elliott: ...

Elliott: JUST LET ME HAVE THE WRITING COOKIE DAMN IT!!!

─────────────────────

Shane when Jas was first dropped off to him: Who is your owner?

─────────────────────

Evelyn: Back in my day, I wasn't blind.

─────────────────────

Leah: Yes, it looks like orange juice, but I assure you that it isn't, that's a cup full of paint that is several days old and will likely kill you if you even smell it.

─────────────────────

Sebastian: I would die for that rat-

Robin: I would die if I saw that motherfucker!

─────────────────────

Maru: Look, I'm a person of science, I believe in cold hard facts.

Maru: But I also believe that if I don't run full speed up the stairs after turning off the light something will grab me by the ankles and drag me to my untimely demise.

─────────────────────

Sam talking to baby Vincent: Contrary to popular belief, I'm not edible-

─────────────────────

Emily: Your bread has been fucked by the rock in the east.

Haley: What the fuck?

─────────────────────

Alex: Dude, throw it over here! I'll catch it!!!

Also Alex: *catches it with his face* NAILED IT!! WOOOOOOOO!!!

─────────────────────

Linus: In this house, we hunt for our own food by ourselves.

Cat: Meow

Linus: ...

Linus picking up the cat: We are now scavenging buddies, I will die for you.

─────────────────────

Pierre: Is the person who I watched scream and slap their hand over their eyes so hard that it left red marks for hours just because they accidentally saw someone shirt lift while getting an item off a shelf really talking?

Farmer: YES, I AM! AND I'LL TALK LOUDER JUST FOR YOU!!

•─────✧─────•

This is so damn long...

Cw for mentions of alcohol and blood

•─────✧─────•

Farmer: So you're sure?

Harvey: Yes, I'm sure.

Farmer: Are you SURE?

Harvey: Yes Farmer, I'm very sure of this.

Farmer: Proof?

Harvey: Well anyone who had common sense knows that getting attacked by several flying lizards while breathing in green smog is very unhealthy and can possibly kill you-

Farmer already pulling our an Oasis Totem: Not convinced *teleports*

Harvey: I- I... Maru get the surgical tools preped again...

─────────────────────

Shane: So let me get this straight.

Shane: You went to medical school for like, 20 years or something

Shane: Just to tell me I need to stop drinking so damn much?

Harvey: Short answer, yes. Long answer, if you stopped drinking you'd be able to stay conscious and coherent enough to remember it.

─────────────────────

Harvey: *just trying to vibe at the Stardrop Saloon*

Shane: *almost unconscious in the corner*

Elliott: *dancing on a table*

Farmer: *is covered in blood and rock dust*

Harvey: ...

Harvey: Gus, cancel the coffee, I'll take vodka instead...

─────────────────────

Harvey: I have passed the transitional stage of being a complete geek.

Harvey: I was entering some thing on the computer at work today, and was putting in the order code for some medications, which is 4040. For some reason the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong, and the screen flashed up "Item Not Found: 404".

Harvey: And I wheezed so loud that Maru throught I got hurt.

─────────────────────

Harvey: Pardon the intrusion, but-

Shane: On this moment or just my life in general?

─────────────────────

Shane, seeing Harvey standing above him in the Clinic: Well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Marnie: *stands next to Harvey*

Shane: Oh shit.

─────────────────────

Harvey: Shane got into another fight...

Elliott: Why, that's horrible!

Elliott: ...

Elliott: Did he at least win?

Shane walking in covered in chicken feathers: DAMN RIGHT I DID!!

─────────────────────

Harvey, sitting on his bed after a long day: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.

─────────────────────

Harvey: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Elliott, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

Shane with cauliflower tied to a string and stick: Hehe-

─────────────────────

Shane: I think I need a hug...

Elliott: Then it's a good thing I'm hug shaped!

*45 minutes later*

Shane: You uh, you can let go now.

Elliott: No, I absolutely can not.

─────────────────────

Shane: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really fucking ugly.

Elliott on the bottom bunk: Screw off Shane.

─────────────────────

Farmer: Every zoo is technically a petting zoo unless you’re a coward.

Harvey: I’m VERY worried about you.

Shane: Hey, that lion looks pretty friendly and like they need a good pat.

Elliott: Shane no-

─────────────────────

Elliott: I'm hot, I’m tall, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc once again.

─────────────────────

Anyone who meets Shane: Are you this rude to everyone?!

Shane: Yes.

Shane: Don't think you're special because of it, now leave me alone.

─────────────────────

Elliott: *stands in the middle of the ocean with his clothing on*

Harvey: *visibility cringing inwards on the ground*

Shane: ...

Shane: I'm joining him-

Harvey: DON'T YOU DARE-

─────────────────────

Elliott: Hello doctor! I've come to ask for for one of your Fever tests.

Harvey slowly turning around: Fever... test...?

Maru: *audibly laughing from another room*

─────────────────────

Elliott: You know, I learned that urinating on a jellyfish sting can help alleviate the pain it causes!

Shane: So, piss on the jellyfish?

Harvey, who is struggling to not go on a rant about how incorrect that is and why is wouldn't work: Don't piss on the jellyfish please...

─────────────────────

Shane: The doctors can small fear...

─────────────────────

Elliott: You know, chlorine is just pool spice...

Shane:

Shane: Ok that's enough for today-

•─────✧─────•

•─────✧─────•

Farmer: The ocean is a soup.

Willy, who was just trying to fish: Could you elaborate?

Farmer: Ok, what do you think makes soup?

Willy: I'd say water, salt and some other seasonings, vegetables or vegetation of some sort, and meat.

Farmer: Now, what's in the ocean?

*a few hours later*

Elliott walking along the docs: Hello Willy, how are you-

Willy, having an existential crisis: The ocean is a soup.

─────────────────────

Rasmodius: Welcome to my basement, where magic transcends trival things, such as gender.

─────────────────────

Farmer after passing out in Skull Cavern and losing their weapon again: I'm going to go home and touch my spouses tits so I won't be mad.

─────────────────────

George: We need a new coffee machine, this one isn't working well.

Alex: It's only 7 years old, I have sheets that are older than that???

George: This damn coffee machine gets more action than you do and we all know it Alex.

─────────────────────

Emily: Here is a quick and easy way to dye your hair!

Step 1: Aquire hair dye

Step 2: Strip yourself of all personal belongings

Step 3: Put on gloves

Step 4: Make blood sacrifice

Step 5: ???

Step 6: Your hair is now dyed, congratulations!

─────────────────────

*phone call*

Demetrius: Maru where are you?

Maru: I'm at the clinic, why?

Demetrius, panicked: Wait, why are you at the clinic? Are you hurt? Sick? Did-

Maru: Dad, I work at the clinic...

Demetrius: Oh... carry on.

─────────────────────

Harvey, on the floor with a cup of coffee: Wow, the farmer really does love me... who knew love could blossom in such a place...

Maru standing over Harvey panicked: Harvey you're having a caffeine overdose-!

─────────────────────

Penny: I think the farmer might like me...

Pam, who is knee-deep in diamonds: YA THINK???

─────────────────────

Sam: Dude, a lollipop is just you swallowing your own spit in different flavors...

Sebastian: What the hell.

Abigail: Shit he's right-

•─────✧─────•

•─────✧─────•

Sebastian: Would you guys still love me if I were a frog?

Abigail: What kind of question is tha-

Sam: Yes. No hesitation, Yes. I'd build you a little terrarium to keep you in, and Abigail will get you food

Abigail: I never said-

Sam: You'll get him food and pretty moss

Sebastian: ° - °

─────────────────────

Harvey: Have you been drinking enough water?

Elliott: Yes, I drink several glasses of sea water every day! I've heard it help with clearing up skin

Harvey, panicked and in shock: S- Sea water-

─────────────────────

Marnie: Shane, why does Matilda have a bedazzled beer cans covering her horns?

Shane looking down as Jas: Why does Matilda have bedazzled beer cans on her horns?

Jas: She wants to be pretty!

Shane: Because she wants to be pretty.

─────────────────────

Alex: Bro! Go long!

Vincent: Wait wha- *gets a football to the face*

─────────────────────

Evelyn: Mayor Lewis, I made a few too many cookies in last night batch so I brought you a container. I hope you enjoy them :)

Mayor Lewis already taking a cookie: Why thank you Evelyn! I bet these taste-

Mayor Lewis, struggling to not spit: Um, these taste... different... from usual... did you try a new recipe?

Evelyn: Why yes! I used salt instead of sugar.

Farmer, who told Evelyn about the gold statue and is watching from afar: >:)

─────────────────────

Leah: Hey, what are you reading?

Emily: This is my magical book, where any ink spilled shows a passage of the future. However it bears a curse making it broken, and in order to make any passageway appears I have to do it myself.

Leah: Impressive! Where did you get it?

Haley: It's just a notebook

Emily: Yeah it's just a notebook ^^;

Leah: Oh-

─────────────────────

Harvey: So, explain why you're here?

Farmer, who is bleeding out and on the verge of death: Flying lizards. ANGRY flying lizards.

─────────────────────

Clint, holding a picture of Emily: She will be mine

Clint: *licks the photo and slaps it on his face*

Farmer, who just wanted to process some geodes: D:,'

─────────────────────

Elliott: *stands in the middle of the sea wearing all of his clothing like a mad man*

•─────✧─────•