Itās probably too early for The Meta No One Asked For That Iām Gonna Write Anyway about XQC, alasā¦here we go
Dr. Xie Qingcheng, 32, male, straight (so far), 180 cm with only one current family member.
Xqc is introduced as a cold, aloof and apathetic retired doctor who has no passions, cares about nothing except for his sister, and unless heās angry, you can barely get an emotional response out of him.
Through meatbunās character notes on how he has no favorite food, no favorite color or animal, no personal preferences outside whatās most practical and how heās very very responsible and rules abiding and honest and sober and serious, and through he yuās POV that continuously paints him as this heartless cold blooded person, I dare say we wereā¦deceived by this so far shades of gray picture we had of him.
Xqc was born into a finically stable middle class family consisting of two cops for parents and a younger sister that came into the world 8 years after him. When he turned 13, and his sister was only 5 at that time, his parents were fired from their job due to a case they shouldnāt have been investigating going wrong, and they had to move to a rural area. Not long after that, he witnessed both his parentsā deaths and saw their corpses with his own eyes, the site was bloody and thereās no way it didnāt traumatize a pre-teen like him. He then was tasked with taking care of his sister, becoming a doctor despite not wanting to, owing others favors and spending all his money on smth thatās yet to be revealed instead of enjoying it. He got married, not to a woman he loves but to someone whom he thought of as āsuitable and appropriateā, got cheated on and went through a divorce before losing full interest in the marriage life. He was finally able to retire (we donāt know why yet) and live a quiet, normal, boring life.
I believe xqc loved his parents, I believe he loved them so much cause in chapter 20, he mentions how he thought he wouldnt be able to live past the grief, he wouldnāt be able to go on or move forward, how the grief completely overtook him. He also mentions how he used to play with knots and handcuffs when he was a child, which shows how close he was to them. So for a child who had a good stable life with two loving parents to suddenly fall from a class to a class, suddenly lose both parents and see their corpses with his own eyes, that mustāve fucked him up big time. Iām talking āwhen can I fully register all of thisā kind of fucked up. But he didnāt have time to fully absorb all of this, didnt have the time to sit down and cry, he had a sister, she was only 5, where will they get the money from? What were they gonna do? How was he going to continue school while caring for her? He didnāt have the time to sit down and grief, to sit down and adjust. For a child who had a normal life and didnāt have to worry much about the money like every other middle class kid, he was suddenly burdened with poverty AND loss, and duty and responsibility. Good bye to the days of playing with handcuffs and knots huh?
You ask me, why does xqc not have a favorite food? I answer you, because many many nights, he didnāt know what to feed his sister, much less himself. Cause I bet that many nights, he would have to give up his portion for Xie Xue, to make sure a kid like her is full. Cause he couldnāt afford to be picky, couldnāt afford to choose; whatever was edible will be eaten, taste and flavor be damned. He had to start working from a young age, balance school, babysitting and working all at once. The last friend he made (I think) was that Chen Man guy whose parents were friends with his parents, back when they were alive and life was good. He didnāt have time to make friends, or go out, or have a favorite color or visit the zoo and decide on a favorite animal. No, he had to study, and study hard to become more financially stable and support Xie Xue, he had to raise his baby sister and protect her, he had to work or else how will he put food on their table? Yet he never lost his soft kind heart, cause when his sister asked for a laptop, he bought her one just so that she wouldnāt feel less than any of the other children.
Xqc had to SURVIVE, he had to make do with what he had and what he didnāt have. He didnāt have time to sit down and cry or process his trauma, didnāt even have time to think of adolescent love or his youthful days or do what kids his age did. And all of that carried forward into his adult life. He pushed his emotions back so hard and had his practical, business like mind take care of everything in order to make it through the days. He started to believe that passionate emotions such as love and hate and lust and desire were all a waste of time, a distraction from his duties, smth that will rock the delicate balance he created with his everyday busy schedule. Emotions will stunt you, emotions will delay you, crying and not going to work today means no food to feed his hungry sister with. Thatās when he started thinking, strong emotions are a DISEASE, they will take up your time, cloud your judgement, have you make reckless decisions that youāll regret later. And he couldnāt afford any of that right? Strong emotions are for the weak, they put you in crutches and disable you from moving forward. Wasnt that what he told his ex wife? If he had submitted himself to his grief back then, where would his sister be? Where would he be? How could they have grown up to be healthy and successful adults?
So this man taught himself practicality and duty and priorities. He stopped thinking about himself, about what he wants and what he feels, and instead started making sure that those around him are happy and content and safe and well taken care of. He no longer had desires or passions, he only had rules and regulations. If a person lost their sense of taste, would they still want chocolates and burgers? Would they still have cravings and foods theyād rather swallow medicine than eat? No. If so, how will they decide on what to eat every day? Theyāll simply start following a āperfect nutritional planā and ābalanced dietā. Theyād eat what they have to eat, when they have to eat, and in the exact portion they need. To them eating would be another chore they have to do every day to keep their bodies going. Similarly, with xqc, graduating, working, marrying, taking care of his sister and auntie, these all became ātasksā and āchoresā that he had to abide by and follow. They became the dietary plan for his life till he dies, the outline he shall follow, the textbook rules he will carry out, no need to think of what he āwantsā or ādesiresā, what will make him āhappyā or bring him ājoyā. He no longer listened to his emotions when making decisions. Even when marrying his ex wife, he married her cause she was āa suitable matchā, not for her looks or personality or anything. Feelings are lifeās taste buds, and once you remove them, everything becomes tasteless and mundane, and practicality/logic takes over. He stopped knowing what it felt like to choose based on your preferences, cause he stopped having the luxury of choice ever since that night when he was 13, and he no longer was able to re-teach himself the meaning of free will and choice.
So when he yu, in chapter 20, asked him how he wouldāve acted if Xie Xue had died, and he said, āI wouldāve continued living as I am today till my last breath,ā he wasnāt being ācoldā or āheartlessā or āindifferentā as he yu likes to say. He was being practical and methodical and thinking with a logical approach, rather than an emotional one, just the way he taught himself to throughout all these years. His almost 2 decades of pure survival mode and severely repressed feelings spoke in the form of autopilot. āI would do what I have to do, what Iāve always done every day of my life so far cause what choice do I have?ā Is what he meant to say.
But I believe that heās a soft hearted, kind and loving person. He never says no his sister, never says no to his auntie, helped that homeless man as best as he could, taught he yu that he was normal and that he wasnāt a monster, believed in treating his patients with words instead of medicine prescriptions, believed that the mentally ill deserve to live normally instead of being locked up. I believe that underneath all the shit he has buried, thereās a lot of passion and love thatās been kept dormant for 19 years.
In conclusion, idk where meatbun is gonna take his character but I genuinely hope he gets to heal, and start having more color and flavor in his life. Start allowing himself to live, not just survive.
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stormborns
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snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
areudirty
